Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: April 26, 2011 02:06PM
Imagine that your mother had never heard the motherly soothing words that Rebekah expressed:
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that this is a tough time for you! Is there anything I can do to help? Are you being good to yourself? Eating and sleeping right, maybe visiting a gym and/or relaxing in a hot tub or sauna? Nothing is more important to me than your mental and physical well being -- so call me if I can help and know that I love you and want what's best for you -- always."
I have no idea, of course, but the first thing a mother would do receiving a text like that is to call. But only if the language of compassion was natural. Sounds like it isn't for your mother, so although she may feel sad for you, her own deficits in experience of love and caring may not have given her a clue as how to express that, esp through a text or a call.
Carol Y. brought up the subject of dealing with a narcissistic mother. You continue to expect a different result from your mother. As Jay Mohr put it in his latest book (which is MUST reading for all young parents) "No Wonder My Parents Drank", your parents gave you all they had.
It wasn't enough and that has caused you great difficulties as an adult, for sure. And yet, here you are one of the most popular posters on RfM, with a rapier wit and great insights to help others. Your story is powerful but your ability to tell it in a compelling way is AMAZING.
I hadn't planned to say anything about this, but I think of myself as a narcissistic mother in recovery. I ran my home like a kind of military camp with little regard for the individual needs of my "soldiers." My large Mormon family made me look "good" and successful and I loved the attention. Until, of course, it all fell apart because it was all unreal. It was all a projection of ego - the religion, the kids, the whole concept of worthiness as the center of life is incredibly promoting of narcissism and it made me worse.
Just like you can recover from alcoholism by stopping drinking, you remain with personality quirks and tendencies from your addiction which will never go away. You learn to live with those and love yourself in spite of them.
I had a narcissistic mother who was ignored as a child just like I was ignored as a child and I went on to have a large family where the individual children were ignored. They were treated like a pack and they couldn't move out soon enough. I remember taking a child to college and seeing all the other mothers crying and hugging their children. I felt nothing. I suspected something was wrong with me at that moment but didn't know what it was, exactly.
It's very easy to blame the Mormon church and its cult indoctrination for everything, or your mother, or countless other things, but in the end, you are the one trapped inside your head and you are the one struggling with your PTSD and trying to stay functional. It's your battle to win or lose.
The thing that has helped me the most is the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and his other book, "Silence Speaks." None of the various religions I tried brought me any peace, really, just more expectations to meet. What is different about Tolle's approach was that in the face of my problems, which were like a huge mountain of mistakes before me with no possibility of undoing what I had done...blocking me from my loved ones and keeping me from being happy...that mountain exists only in the past and I exist only in the present. The future doesn't count, it hasn't come yet. This was a profound realization for me and I don't know if it will come off as comprehensive in print or not. The only moment that is real is the present. This is where you can act, this is where you express yourself. The old you is dead, the future you is a dream, the real you is the one in the present. YOU OWN THE PRESENT.
To stay in the present, the place of peace, is not easy. For months I had to start every day by writing down all my crap--all my anger and blame, all my accusations and get them out of my head. For the rest of the day, one day at a time, I refused my thoughts of the past and focused on the now. At night, I wrote about the future, and that was the only time I allowed myself to plan, worry, scheme, etc, also on paper. The rest of the night was for self-pampering, a good book/movie/bubble bath/glass of wine, etc.
I continued to read Tolle's books and started meditating and studying the principles of Buddhism. Personally, I can't ever be a member of a religion, but I need help inside my head and this is where I find it.
I wish you the best RJ, I'm a fan and fond of you. I wish you the best recovery and applaud your selfcare in taking the time off that you need for your own mental health. There is nothing more important--nothing.
Spaghetti Monster Bless You,
Anagrammy