I girded my loins and went to Utah for a funeral this week-end. Very sad as it was sudden and the person was young.

The family of the deceased was not TBM, though, for the most part Mormon, and the funeral ended up taking place in a Mormon chapel that was not their own. So, the conducting bishop was a stranger to them.

The focus of the funeral was on the person who died for the most part. But the bishop did finally perform a softened version of the Plan of Salvation Razz-Ma-Tazz at the end. His recital was routine except for his testimony as to the fact that God knows each and everyone of us personally and cares for each of us---personally. Like every little thing. And he cares deeply. Like, for sure.

To illustrate this, he told of when he was out rounding up cows over a 50 acre ranch and when he was done he realized he had lost his wallet somewhere on that massive spread. Oh no! So he and his wife prayed and then knew right where he dropped his wallet!

What popped in my head was, 'Thank you Mormon Heavenly Father for expanding the story. I just couldn't bear hearing about those pesky car keys one more time and am thankful that this bishop is finally getting creative and adding not only some new scenery to chew but new props as well. Yea, even cattle.'

How can they not see that these are the most shallow self-serving words to utter ever? Your wallet. Really?

Why won't they just finish their story and come right out and say that their God only cares about them and for anyone hungry and suffering it is their own fault for not being valiant in the war in heaven?

If Mormon prayers worked, wouldn't BYU win the football game every time and be champions in perpetuity?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2016 12:46PM by blueorchid.

"Answered prayer" stories are so funny.
'Cause, of course, he NEVER would have remembered where his wallet was if magical man in the sky HF hadn't magically prompted him. And as you point out, meanwhile children who desperately pray for a bite of food to eat go wanting and die...but bishop magically finds his wallet!

Sigh.

Glad you made it back alive. :)

I did have four kinds of funeral potatoes and a green and a pink jello salad which more than made up for listening to the miracle of the wallet worth it. :)

I'm glad you enjoyed me.

Sorry op, this is completely off topic but were you the author of serveral posts a few years back about Adam's backstory? I've searched and can't find them anymore. It was something about how his original name was Steve, a semi-ok hometeacher on another planet who eventually gained his exhaltation and his daily life with his innumerable celestial harem? I was wanting to dig those up and have another good laugh but can't find it anymore. We need these documented somehow. Anyway, apologies if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Sounds very creative and fun. I write do stuff sometimes,and I wish I could claim credit, but no--don't know nuthin' 'bout no Steve. Hope you find it. Sounds fun.

I was shocked when award winning journalist Diane Sawyer related one of these faith promoting stories on the evening news. It seems a little girl in the hospital was suffering after a surgery and she saw an angle (couldn't possibly have been a nurse in white she saw while under influence of pain killers) who came and told her she would be alright. Her recovery was swift after that angle sighting. I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to reach into my T.V. set and ask Ms. Sawyer why God doesn't do things like that for the thousands of starving, abused, war ravaged children she's seen in Northern Africa during her journalism career. Why was it an American girl in a modern hospital with the best of care and concern from her family and her medical care system that gets angle sightings and special blessings?

I'm confused. An angle sighting? Right? Acute? Please explain. Give two examples.

Your angle here is a little obtuse, no? :)

OK...so they meant angel and not angle. Be nice. :)

Too bad that ass wipe didn't pray for all the little children

who will die today because they starved to death. That would

have shut the giant TurdKabob up. if there was a ghawd,

he thinks finding an ass wipes wallet more important that

to save a starving child? This story only illustrates how

self important mormons are. Grrrrrrr.

Taught since childhood, a grown man teaches others that an omnipotent un-seen being cares not about the sick, hungry, abused and starving by the millions daily yet he intervenes in a timely manner the location of a wallet for a wed fed man. Worse yet is that the story is about the man telling it as the beneficiary.

The selfishness when I attend LDS meetings is palpable now my eyes are open.

I like to counter these 'healed of a dread disease' stories by saying if your faith is your deity is so strong why did he/she give you that disease in the first place? To scare you into belief and submission?

blueorchid Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> His recital was
> routine except for his testimony as to the fact
> that God knows each and everyone of us personally
> and cares for each of us---personally. Like every
> little thing. And he cares deeply. Like, for
> sure.
>

It is funny to think about it now, but if he knows us so well, why in temple when you get to veil the first thing you hear is basically "Who are you and what do you want?" So much for omniscience.

I know. Is there anyone more clueless than Mormon Heavenly Father?

And when they ask, "Who are you, what do you do give your new temple name? So you answer "I'm Elijah?" and God says, "Geez it seems like at least twenty thousand men and two women have said they were Elias today. What idiot thought of this system? . . . oh, right . . ."

And then, "What is wanted?"

"What is wanted? Are you kidding? I'm dead. I've come back home. Why in heaven's name would anybody be standing at this veil somewhere in outer space, rubbing the person on the other side in five different places unless they wanted in?"

Two old texas ranchers were having a pissing contest ...who had the best horses...most cows...finally one old guy went in for the kill...my ranch is sooo big...it takes me three days to drive my truck across it...other fella didnt miss a beat and quietly snarked...yeah...i had a truck like that once...50 acres haha...trying to get ol bossy in the barn To pull her tits would be my guess

Wallets are wiley creatures...mine went missing once...being a hopeless heretic gawd cudnt be invoked...so i put up a bounty of twenty bucks after a week of fruitless searching...strange part is i was perty sure where id left it but it was gone...had i lost it unplugging the hay swather...hmmm...wasnt where i plugged...it staid gone all week...i had a fair idea it may have been lifted by our dear many fingered foster daughter....usually it was just phones or cash...so I thru out the twenty dollar bounty...suddenly she knew right where it was...right where i was fairly sure id left it even though id checked there three times to be sure....there it was...i gave her the twenty...it was no use discussing it with her...about like discussing JoesMyth with a mormon ...just go right to the ransom and skip the begging and pleading

Seems a little ironic to me that the big guy cares deeply enough about car keys to clue the bishop in to where they were dropped, but doesn't care enough to have prevented the untimely death of a young person.

Glad you were able to survive the Utah experience and the Mormons. You're probably glad it's over.

Mormons should have specialized saints like the Catholics.

St. Martin Harris: Bearer and payer of bills. Pray to him for lost wallets and losses to MLMs. He knows.

St. Emma: Watcher of wayward husbands. Tons of experience.

St. Oliver Cowdery: Twitter and texting scribe. Flexible with working conditions. Use him anywhere.

St. Porter Rockwell: God's hit man and remover of the contentious. Sic him on apostates.