Dear God,

I'm totally broken and in despair; have been for many months.  I go about my day wearing nightmare goggles and misinterpreting what people say to me.  So many emotional triggers everywhere.  Any one failure pulls all my failures back which re-envisions the multiple types of abuse and neglect back from the time I was young to the present and I relive everything over and over and over again and over again.  Pressure from so many demands at work has stretched my mind apart like taffy.  Pressure from being required by my employer to improve something about myself for this review period forced me to start looking at how broken I am. He didn't know that I've been giving it my all just to appear normal but I've snapped. That abusive taskmaster that had been dormant is aroused. The constant reminders of everything wrong with me went on for months.  My multiple mental illnesses are grinding me into red mushy paste.  I'm not in control anymore, might lose my job, terrified, paranoid, hopeless.  And the LDS Church is at the center of all of this.  I had faith that You would protect me in but you didn't even though I'd asked in faith -- a mustard seed's measure is still supposedly sufficient.  I had faith that LDS leaders had some sort of "power of discernment" but they let my abusers walk right into their temples, serve the "best-two-years" type missions, marry trophy wives, go to college, obtain lucrative careers, pump out kids/future LDS leaders, etc. But my potential was sabotaged from 3rd grade onward and I never stood a chance. I put myself into Your hands with as much faith as I could give on, before and after my mission to keep me going but it would have been equally as effective if I had 100% faith in an old refrigerator to do the same.  Thanks, God, for letting me come home early with emotional trauma, baggage and shame that did nothing but repel everyone (I did not sin, my mind broke -- sin is much easier to deal with, just ask forgiveness and go about your business; have profound mental problems and it cascades into every crevice of your future until the day you die as an "undesirable"). It's so great having practically no support.  Where were You and where are You? You must have been and continue to be finding lost keys or leaving your footprints in the sand somewhere so an inspirational thought can be capitalized upon by someone.  Where are Your priorities? I've fallen from 12,000 feet and crashed eyeballs first into a mountain of iron pyrite which is my world. There's no fixing this.  The Church only make things worse when they send the dumbest and most ignorant missionaries on the planet to my door.  When I pray I just get ringing in my ears and body aches -- no responses, no burning bosom, no elation at all, no sense that there's anything out there that can help me besides the broken me that's fighting internally.  Recalling D&C 83:7 actually compounds everything -- a single sin brings all sins back.  I can't not sin, period.  It's always there either by commission or omission.  Thanks a lot Jesus for creating your impossible, inconsistent and paradoxical gospel.  That "counsel of the gods" thingie mentioned in the Book of Abraham really must have been a bunch of tired and bored gods just wanting to get the meeting over with, much like sacrament meetings where it's hot because the Bishop sets the thermostat to 79F and kids are screaming and dropping Cheerios and the speaker is droning on and on about the same lame platitudes you've heard repeatedly for years nearly every week.  Thanks a lot for demonstrating Your vastly different personalities in the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, D&C and POGP -- it makes for even more confusion about Your character.  Thanks also for LDS apologists who only seem to make things worse -- the only thing I feel from their writings are as if I'm being lied to again.  And why are You so inconsistent with intervening in our lives?  Jesus went out of his way to reattach a heathen Roman soldier's ear without him even asking for it but You won't heal my heart and mind? And for some reason you stopped healing amputees with that soldier's ear -- I thought You were all-powerful. Will you please heal all amputees? I've asked, it's in your court. God, You tell us that men are punished for their own sins but You went out of your way to magically curse Canaan with that skin of blackness because Ham, his dad, happened to see a moonshine-drunk-Noah in his birthday suit.  How was that consistent?  God, you went out of your way to magically change the face of the whole earth in the New World and murdered a bazillion creatures in the process when Jesus was crucified.  You magically kept Noah's wooden boat intact which stretched the limits of engineering from twisting apart until it landed safely aground, You magically made Mohonri's 16 rocks glow for light and magically accounted for air, food and excrement from all passengers in their top-and-bottom-corked boats but for some reason You won't help me get well -- You would rather watch me implode, bleed, become even more alienated than I already was, lose my job, lose my legacy. And You perform the same negligence to so many others who need help.  You went out of Your way to make sure Joseph Smith had a mansion built for him and his progeny but ignored and continue to ignore the financial needs of billions of others just to make basic ends meet.  You allowed your personal mouthpiece to set up the Kirtland Bank and ruined the financial lives of hundreds and for what? (Hey, at least You managed to help Joseph and Sidney bravely escape Ohio, never to return).  You presently go out of your way to allow this economic pyramid known as the CORPORATION OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS to be incredibly wealthy to the tune of ~$60,000,000,000 USD (ISO 4217 code 840) in land ownership, cattle ranching, mall building, high-rise real estate ventures and making those in the inner circle economically comfortable but somehow You ignore the 20K-25K people who starve to death every single day, and this despite the fact that You intervened and provided for the Israelites with manna every day but the Sabbath for several *decades*.  It's almost like You don't exist other than in fairytale literature or You're crazier than I am. Hey, at least the Xanax just kicked in.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2016 08:46PM by beeblequix.

You're right about the church. You're right. Most people never face that reality, and thus their lives are easier. You've faced it, which takes much more courage than most people have. Give yourself credit.

You deserve a great deal of credit. Talking about it is courageous. You deserve more and more credit. Don't sell yourself short. You're a courageous human being.

Can you drop the church and stay away from them?

Sadly, "god" won't answer. That's how imaginary things are.

You did YOURSELF a lot of good by writing it down and getting it all out, though. Keep doing that. We'll listen, even if imaginary god-things won't.

Everything you know about God is what the church told you. Maybe they told you things that are self-serving? Maybe they don't have the slightest interest in what God is really all about? I hope this helps. I feel your pain.

I also feel your sadness and pain. You're among friends here. We can listen to you, and then hold onto that pain for you, while you take a well-needed break from carrying it yourself. Many of us have felt sadness as you do. And we're still going on.

I may not see your next post, but I believe that the good folks here will always find room for another broken heart, and give you comfort.

Doesn't sound like you are crazy to me. Sounds like Mormonism gets that title. When you try to make sense of that kind of crazy, it can be mind bending.

I hope you'll hang in there, and seek help. I have someone in my life who was suffering a lot with anxiety, and some counseling and one daily pill has changed a LOT. I'm not saying there is necessarily an easy solution, but if you haven't tried that, I hope you will.

Losing my faith in God really helped the world make more sense to me. The idea that there is some all-powerful being who ignores prayers and lets so much injustice and pain continue is NOT a comforting thought. It just didn't fit with the doctrine of a loving father in Heaven.

There's a thread here that may help you: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1794078

It's about developing mind muscles to help you quiet the echoes in your head. Mormonism wants you to fear the echoes and make them more echoey.

I've found that the natural world is far more amazing and precious without a sky daddy. That makes me very happy.

I am a nevermo but from everything I have read on this site (which is a lot!), you have come to the right place for support.

Were the lies of Mormonism easier to endure than the reality of life post-Mormonism, you'd think more of us would stay to deflect the fallout.

Life IS hard. There is no magic wand, no quick fix, no pill to make it all better when things get tough.

Mormonism was only a false security blanket that kept us in a bubble like cocoon, but we weren't really living until we broke free from that.

Dealing with the harsh realities of living as painful as it can be at times is still preferable to the cocoon.

Don't give up, or give in. You still stand for something, and are a torch bearer of a truth we could only wonder about when inside the bubble of Moism.

That being said, I hope you are able to get counseling and help for the issues you're dealing with, especially at work. Some of what you're struggling with may be protected under Americans with Disabilities Act, if your mental illnesses (or neuroses) are documented and you're in treatment for them.