Posted by:
JoD3:360
(
)
Date: October 21, 2010 08:50AM
I grew up in a family where you believe or else. There was never any doubt that the church was true and that was that. One of the times that I got my self in trouble was we were having Sloppy Joe sandwiches and I thought it would be clever to say Sloppy JosephSmiths. Damn! You'd think God was gonna kill my parents unless they forcefully straightened me out.
My family lived on a dairy farm in a small allwhite allmormon community when the race riots were on tv all the time, so we all knew black people were bad...not only that but it said so right in the scriptures, and they were representatives of satan, and were less valiant in the preexistence- it was obvious from watching the news. My parents, seminary teachers, Priesthood leaders all said so.
There was no choice but to go to church, Primary, Seminary, mutual but the kids hated me and I got beat up a lot so I started hanging out with the kids who were cool to me. They smoked. On my 18th birthday when I got up for school I threw all my stuff into my car and left home, called the school and told them to F-off and never set foot in a church, or my home for many years.
Everything I knew about the church was taught before 1978 and even though I did not participate as a jackmormon, I believed it because I was taught that it was a mortal sin to not believe it.
When I got reactivated Jackmormonism had taken its toll and I was seriously in need of a better lifestyle, and my future was on very shaky ground. So when I got reactivated, I saw that it was my chance at earthly and eternal salvation and I fully and completely immersed myself in it.
Unfortunately, many things I had been taught in my youth were now non-teachings, and many times people pretended not to know those things, and when topics came up they were acknowledged by a knowing wink or nod. I understood that it was an inside teaching and we didn't talk about it because it seemed weird to investigators, so I played along.
One thing my mom told me was that since moving to the East Coast, I had turned into a bleeding heart liberal. It was sort of true. I saw that Black people were not satans children. I saw that there really were homeless people who were not winos. I saw that many of the paranoid smalltown ultra-rightwing beliefs I was raised with were simply not true. It was also obvious that many people who went to nonmormon churches were seemingly happier and more at ease with life than many of the mormons I knew.
Not only that, but I was having a hard time with the church teaching many of those same things. I was still hearing that if people would join the church their problems would disappear- and yet we had several very faithful and devoted members who were suffering, and paying their tithing on funds given to them by the church. And I was fully immersed in the politics of the church which became a burden on my awareness. Yes, I was too liberal to be a good member, but it was essential that the church be true.
In 2007 after many years of church life and full dedication and leadership positions, I watched the PBS show The Mormons, googled seerstones, saw the reality of the Book of Abraham, Polygamy and Seerstones and it was all gone. My hopes, dreams, eternal family, exaltation, truth, hope and honor. Gone.
Gone unless I could salvage it. I tried really hard for the next two years to prove that the church was true. I studied every topic over and over and over again, but every single thing that the church teaches has either a different and/or accurate version from before, or it isn't really even an actual event.
Two things that I learned was that friends will turn on you when you change you mind about their church, and secondly, that it is okay to lie if it keeps people in the church. My bishop said so.
A third thing I learned was that everything I learned as a child from primary teachers to the prophets can be dismissed at the drop of a hat, and that you can get into trouble for repeating the words that you heard the prophets speak. That the only true LDS gospel is commitment to duty.
Now, I have fully accepted that the church is not true. That its foundation is a myth, and that when Joseph Smith started boinking other women, the church started to change drastically and tragically until it had lost its way. That whatever it had was lost when Brigham took it out west. The church was already false, but Brigham Young made it evil.
The hardest thing for me to accept, that the church was the vehicle that God used on my behalf, because it was familiar, and that I would have amazing suport from my parents and that there would be an instant support system in the church. Something other churches should strive toward...
Despite all that it has done for me, and all that it gave me as a man, I have had to accept that it is not true. I tried very hard to make it true, apparently, even when I was active...but in the end, it was really an exercise in remaining committed.