A few questions for those like myself who are in sexless marriages.

What do you get from your spouse? Even with no sex are they willing to hug, kiss and cuddle?

Do you sleep in the same bed? The same room?

Is your spouse generally nice to you? Do they greet you with a smile and speak kindly to you?

Do they contribute to the household, either by earning money or by cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc?

Is your spouse responsible with money, cars, the house?

Are they a good parent? Do they play with the kids, help them with homework and projects, shuttle them around?

Are you still friends? Why do you stay in the marriage?

And anything else you'd like to share.

I'll tell my story after others post. I don't want to bias the replies with my experiences.

Very Anon For This Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A few questions for those like myself who are in
> sexless marriages.


I was in a sexless marriage for a few years but am not now

> What do you get from your spouse? Even with no sex
> are they willing to hug, kiss and cuddle?

Yes, there was some affection

> Do you sleep in the same bed? The same room?

No and No

> Is your spouse generally nice to you? Do they
> greet you with a smile and speak kindly to you?

Yes

> Do they contribute to the household, either by
> earning money or by cooking, cleaning, laundry,
> errands, etc?

Yes, we were still married after all. I was earning the money and she was a SAHM, even after our youngest was a young adult

> Is your spouse responsible with money, cars, the
> house?

Yes she was

> Are they a good parent? Do they play with the
> kids, help them with homework and projects,
> shuttle them around?

Yes

> Are you still friends? Why do you stay in the
> marriage?

We are not married, I have been available to help when she had problems with car insurance and to help out with some extra finance when needed. I have not needed anything from her. Towards the end, we were like people in a house share freindly strangers

why stay? a few reasons. One of the biggest reasons was fear of change, but also because my kids expected me to stay and support her. I also felt sorry for her because she was very much dependent on me not only financially but also for simple things like dealing with the utilities, accounts, dealing with any kind od local authorities and that sort of stuff

I get consistency from my spouse. I'm afraid to leave because of kids, grandkids, and loneliness.

We sleep in the same bed but don't touch. Spouse is generally nice on a very surface level. Lots of passive aggression when mad at me (which is not often).

Spouse is generally responsible but I pay all bills and do the cleaning. Good parent, but pushes Mormonism a lot.

Spouse feels masturbation is wrong, oral sex is disgusting, and sex is for conceiving babies.

I want to divorce, but don't know how to get out.

Eighteen years with no sex and no touching. She seemed just to lose interest.

We are good friends, we get along well, we share household chores. We rarely argue, and when we do, she quickly wants to get over it and make up. We see eye-to-eye on most topics of importance. We have two adult children who are now on their own. We are both retired, own our own home, and no problem with income.

I long for some physical affection. I would try to have a love affair, but it would be difficult (very small town, everybody knows everybody, difficulty in explaining time away, etc....)

So I live with memories and fantasies, and occasional porn videos and masturbation.

I should add that in every other way she is an ideal mate. Just no interest in sex. Even when we were still having sex occasionally, I used to think of it as "ten and ten sex" - it lasted for ten minutes once every ten days. And then it was quite perfunctory on her part, like when you finally have to take a crap, so you get it done just to relieve the pressure. And I don't think that it was because I was a poor lover. I was always very affectionate, tried to give her pleasure and respond to her needs before my own...

In those days, when I was still working (sometimes two jobs) and we lived in a larger city, I was able to find sexual companionship elsewhere, and I didn't feel the slightest guilt. I had a number of very nice love affairs with very sexual women, some lasting several years. I realized that one affair, where she and I would meet once a week for an hour of loving, provided me much more sex in one week than I got in a month at home. Home sex for a month was 30 minutes. Sex with my loving friend was 60 minutes every week.

I did not feel guilty at all, and was very careful not to get caught. I mean, if the cooking at home is really lousy, should one feel guilty about eating out?

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

As far as stepping out on your wife, I get it, but I think it's a poor comparison to "bad cooking." Stepping out on your wife puts both of your for risk of STIs, some which are incurable, cause health problems down the line (like cervical cancer), and some that are becoming antibiotic resistant. Condoms help prevent transmission, but it's not 100%, even when they are used correctly.

It sucks, it sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. I think cheating is awful because of the deceit, risks, and secrecy behind it, but I also understand why people do it, too.

Yeah it's hard to imagine having to step out on my wife, but it's even harder to imagine a sexless marriage.

And especially discussing and exploring before marriage or any other LTRs. I feel bad for people stuck in sexless and crappy relationships, but at the same time it doesn't excuse deceitful behaviour. I'm not one of those that thinks "asking for forgiveness is easier than permission." It's a cop out.

I have a relatively rare skin disease that makes the skin "down there" so brittle that it cannot stretch to accommodate sex - or, for that matter, not even a GYN exam. Both literally rip the skin to bloody shreds. This is not only horrible and painful, but it sometimes requires surgical repair, which is even worse. Fortunately, I had a hysterectomy some years ago, so I no longer need PAP smears or GYN exams.

As for the sex thing, we make do with many other ways of pleasuring each other. We are in a very strong and loving relationship, and I am aware that some men would not be as understanding as my husband is.

It sounds excruciating, but I'm glad you can find pleasure. And yes, I 100% agree there are valid reasons for not having PIV intercourse. The human body has a fantastic way of making other areas sensitive to pleasure too, when a condition like yours or others that limit sexual activity is thrown in the mix. It's something that's explored quite a bit in sexology and sex therapy (my future field.)

What I find almost deliciously ironic is pretty much everyone here has been lied to, abused and used by, and betrayed by the cult. You would think it had an impact on people's ethics, but human nature is funny that way. We can find ways to use justification to reduce cog dis in everyday life, so for some, their reasons cheating is just another justification to implement in their mind.

Keep in mind there is NO test for HPV in men and most people carry at least one strain. I think it would be cruel for the OP's wife one day to discover that she has the HPV strain that causes cervical cancer and the NP informs her how she likely contracted it, usually with the question, "Is it possible you or your partner has every had outside sexual contact?"

I've been in open relationships, none of which worked out, but at least my consent to be in a relationship that involved exposure to other people's bodies wasn't compromised. That's why I have such a problem with people who cheat, lie/withhold information, and justify it: You're taking away your partner's informed consent to be in a monogamous relationship. In the case of a sexless marriage, people should gather the courage to talk to their partner about the problems, inform them that they're going to step out if things don't change, then deal with the consequences. It's amusing how many have no problem burying their faces into other people's genital areas, but can't talk to their partners and protect them from the possible consequences of sex outside the relationship which can still kill and maim people.

> I was able to find sexual companionship elsewhere, and I didn't feel the slightest guilt. I had a number of very nice love affairs with very sexual women, some lasting several years. I realized that one affair, where she and I would meet once a week for an hour of loving, provided me much more sex in one week than I got in a month at home. Home sex for a month was 30 minutes. Sex with my loving friend was 60 minutes every week.

I did not feel guilty at all, and was very careful not to get caught. I mean, if the cooking at home is really lousy, should one feel guilty about eating out?


ಠ_ಠ

After discussing cheating, the issues surrounding it, and why certain people do it (unrelated to this) with a psychologist friend, she mentioned that it's a usually a narcissistic trait to cheat on a spouse. Everyone has these traits to some level or another, but the ones that score higher on the scale tend to be the ones that see no problem with cheating on their SOs and justify it, too.

Every choice has a consequence, as I see it; You just may not see the results in the near future.

My husband never wants to converse with me, but somehow thinks I should be interested in a physical relationship. He plays on his phone or watches TV while I talk or try to converse. He seldom responds to anything I say. He never asks how my day was. I recently had a painful procedure done at the doctor's office. He never asked how it went. He was just annoyed that I didn't feel well enough to go to a work function with him that evening. In many years of marriage, he has never once complimented me.

I have never denied him physical interaction if he wants it, I just never initiate. He thinks I should be the one to initiate. It's my job.

Everything that has to do with the house or the kids is my job. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, household financials, homework help and house maintenance. He watches me work and rarely offers to help. He often becomes withdrawn and resentful if I ask for help with a task, so I've learned not to ask.

I feel worthless and ugly and am not interested in sex. The fact that we don't have sex is always my fault. He doesn't see his part in it at all.

He takes the kids on fun outings and spends time with them that way. He likes to be the "fun" parent while I do most of the heavy lifting.

We sleep in the same room and bed, but there's no physical contact.

My husband is emotionally abusive without saying a word. I stay in my marriage for the same reason I stayed in the church for so long. I don't know how to get out. My husband is a good provider. Although I'm educated, I have been a SAHM for many years and I'm worried that I won't be able to provide for myself and my children.

OMG I recognize elements of my relationship with my wife in that but the other way around. Thank you for sharing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2016 02:37AM by Susan I/S.

I think this is a classic example of why lots of husbands don't get the sex they feel they are entitled to. They just don't get it.

My one girlfriend shared with me the other day that her husband's idea of foreplay is to pull it out and thunk her with it. Really??? He thinks it is cute, her not so much. She will leave him when it is convenient for her. She works and takes care of the house and kids. He works and hides out in the basement playing video games. He has no clue what is coming.

My husband sweet talks me into sex any time he wants it. It works every time. Guys...learn your wife's triggers and seduce her. Stop the thunking!! If it is menopause related encourage her some vaginal cream with hormones...a little testosterone can help.

I was in a marriage like this, neither of us willing to give in to what the other needed. You are only hurting yourself. Get off your cross and stop with the martyr game. Does he ask you to do all the things you do or are they your idea? Just stop doing all this busy work you deem so important so you can stop resenting him for not doing it. Forget about having a nice yard, order pizza more, don't clean so much, leave his dirty socks on the floor, don't fold the towels. No one will care but you. And none of that stuff matters as much as a healthy, sex filled relationship. Just QUIT. He might just step up and help once bills start being late or his kids go hungry, or the bathroom sink clogs up beyond use. He probably doesn't want to hear about your day because you complain about all you had to do and he is not requesting any of that from you.

Shock the shit out of him by not doing a damn thing but lay around in bed naked (unless you have toddler or baby obviously). See if he wants to join you. Try touching him when you talk about your day. If you died tomorrow what's more important???

Oh, I'm female btw. Yes, men are clueless, do not see what needs to be done without being asked, are generally unaware, and if Mormon, most likely chauvinistic. But guess what Chica? You can only change yourself, not him.

I am offended by your response, although I suspected that at least one person would respond to my post with a reply like yours. I am surprised you're a woman, however.

Why is it that our society believes that someone who is treated like dirt should still be willing to "put out?" Why does a man's need for sex trump a woman's need to feel loved or valued as a human being. How is someone who has NEVER been told that she is special or even that she "looks nice today" going to find the self esteem to lay in bed naked and wait for her husband?

By the way, I don't complain. The punishment for complaining in my house is a week of the silent treatment from my passive aggressive spouse.

Your response lacks empathy and any real understanding of a situation where a spouse is emotionally abusive. You may think you have walked in my shoes, but you haven't. If you had, you wouldn't have responded in the callous way that you did.

Agreed and well said.

There is such a thing as a lazy spouse. Can't be bothered with this troublesome thing called life. Can't manage to fairly divide up the work necessary to having a healthy life and relationship. Won't work through emotional and physical barriers to intimacy enough to be a good partner and lover, yet, somehow feels entitled to sex. Some spouses just do not care.

I feel you anon4this. I recently read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie and found it helpful.

My ex was a malignant narcisistic sociopath. He was selfish and self absorbed and emotionally absent with episodic abuse. Which, I now see were just manipulations to get his way. Or, to start a fight so he could leave the house to sleep with a prostitute...or whatever! There was no loving physical affection such as hugs, cuddling or even holding hands. And sex was just sex. When sex even existed. He would go months n months withholding it. During multiple affairs, did not need it from home.

My wife of 30 years told me 20+ years ago that she didn't care if we never had sex again. She did, however, want to be worshipped and adored, which included only the most g-rated affections, such as hugging and hand-holding.

As a bitter, disappointed card-carrying male, I decided that I was not going to be subject to her arbitrary limits for affection. So, none of the things that she felt was okay (as long as it didn't lead to 'the sex'.

So, we live as roommates and walk on eggshells because we are both bitter and angry about what does not exist between us-mutual admiration and affection.

Sad way to live, but at my age, options that are more appealing are rare to non-existent.

I in no way would try to suggest what you should do, but it's just been a THOUGHT of mine that I've mentioned from time to time, that the "g-rated" touching, as you call it, hand holding, light touches like on the shoulder or waist, hand on lower back etc and other non-sexual touching shows a woman that you CARE about her. The sexual touching shows her that you more deeply love and/or DESIRE her.

If a woman continues to feel cared about, even when she's having issues with sex for who knows why, it MIGHT help her to eventually be able to go further again. But if all touch is withheld, I would think it would be near impossible for your partner to have the courage to to rekindle the relationship. In some situations, not necessarily yours, a very gradual re-introduction of g-rated touching might help bring it back. But if g-rated touching was re-initiated by you, I think I'd wait for my partner to respond to that and to maybe let them be the one to move up a level if they wanted. And be willing to wait.

And again, this may not apply to your situation at all, but while I'm on the topic, our society is very harsh on women who have sexual problems, so she may be afraid or embarrassed to seek help. A loving partner would try to help her feel supported about her problem and give her courage to seek medical treatment.

I have friend who is in a sexless marriage but is in an open relationship. If it wasn't for that they would defiantly be separated. As it is it is working for them.

Married 40 years. Same bed. Plenty of hugs, few kisses, sex, but not 3 times a week like the old days. More like 3 or 4 times a month. Use outside "marital aides" (not a misspelling) to help with excitement. Still argue but wake up friends. Enuf money so no fights there. Yea, he touches a lot. (Stop that. I'm trying to write). We like each other. Go figure.

We're middle aged but not that old. My wife wants an orgasm about 1.5 times a month. He has a little helper that she pulls out from under the bed and it's mutually enjoyable. But that's about it. If the trend of the past couple of years holds up then I can expect actual intercourse maybe twice more before I die.


We hug, We kiss. There is plenty of affection and I genuinely like being with my wife and spending time with her. We're close. She just doesn't like sex.

I've tried talking with her about it and that always backfires. She has a ton of guilt over it all. On the one hand she has the Mormon guilt from all of those Young Women lessons demonizing sexual pleasure. On the other hand she has crippling guilt because she isn't the woman her husband needs her to be.

I just can't win.

So we just ignore it. I pretend I don't want sex and every third week or so she'll ask for a back rub while she gets what she needs.

My husband and I had a very healthy and happy sexual relationship until I had a baby. I gave birth by c-section which may have had nothing to do with it, but after giving birth I completely lost sexual desire. It just never came back.

It was like a switch was literally turned off. I was surprised and my husband was hurt. We had one big confrontation about it until I cried and tried to explain that I felt the same about him but that something had just changed - then he didn't talk about it again after that.

My doctor just thought I was tired or stressed. But it wasn't that. Perhaps nowadays they know more about that kind of thing and you can get treatments - or maybe they haven't solved it. But it's pretty awful. And of course all the jokes on tv and movies don't help. It just makes you feel more uncomfortable and guilty.

My husband has stayed true to me as far as I know, but he did withdraw his affection in most ways, which I guess I understand. Years later I felt like maybe I was starting to feel normal again and tried to get it back, but he sort of lost the ability by then. Ugh! It just makes me cringe even to share this anonymously.

We are perfectly amiable at home, everything pretty normal except that one BIG thing. This has been the biggest guilt trip in my life. I honor my husband for sticking by me after I was broken.

I see so much of my own personal struggles in this thread. Thanks for starting it. Will be watching.

I don't know why I stay, to be honest. We are roommates and that's it. Lots to think about, but at least I know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

All of my life I was sacrificed to a dumb ass cult! And in even talking about this, I don't know where to begin. Married to a penis priesthood holder that I didn't love. And then, seldom getting any sex was totally unacceptable. I am left to question why I would want an eternal companionship like that in the first place and I wonder where my brain was during all those years? Apparently, dead in a cult!

If the sex is good, it's 10% of the marriage.

If not, it's 90%.

Or so they say . . . .

Sounds about right.

How can that be true if most of the people in this thread say that even without sex, they stay? People are willing to put up with it for a variety of reasons.

Looking back at the various relationships I have had in my life, this is my own life wisdom too...

Twinker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If the sex is good, it's 10% of the marriage.
>
> If not, it's 90%.

Twinker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If the sex is good, it's 10% of the marriage.
>
> If not, it's 90%.
>

This makes no sense.

I would say that for most men, good sex is a valued component - say 60% - 75% of the marriage. Which aligns more with the 90% when there are issues.

I believe that for women it's a little more complicated. Studies show that 75% of women rarely orgasm through intercourse alone. Combine that statistic with the sexually repressed culture of Mormonism, and it is no wonder that so many Mormon women have not learned how to enjoy sex.

My husband and I are going through a dry spell at the moment as I deal with some health issues. It has been difficult for him because we're a middle aged couple who had sex 2 or 3 times a week.

I am happy to pleasure him in other ways but he is less interested as what makes him happy is interacting with me and the mutual pleasure of it. Yes, I know I'm very lucky.

As far as home life, we divide chores but help each other out when we can. There is affection between us and text flirting too. We're close friends as well, meaning we enjoy being together.

I'm a SAHM so I handle all of the bills and kid related needs. He has a very demanding and stressful job, so there have been stretches of time where I've felt more like a single parent. However, I always know he has my back.

Sometimes I worry that the lack of sex will lead to emerging problems. We stay together because we love each other and hope to ride this out and get back to normal. I hate the situation as much as he does and I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy.

My husband has an endocrine disorder that has caused him to be impotent. He started having issues 5 years ago, and our marriage has been basically sexless since then. We had a terrible crisis in our marriage 3 years ago, because I found out that he had visited a tantra massage/sexual healing place a couple of times, (unsuccessfully), and also had an email relationship with a few other "therapists". We ended up in counseling and he visited a urologist to find out what was wrong. We then tried Viagra and Cialis, but neither worked for him.

I stay because I do love him. We are really the best of friends and do have lots of fun together. We both share the load at home and are both responsible people. There is physical affection and we do share a bed. We have bought some books on how to have an intimate relationship when ED is the problem, but I think we are both just too scared/feel too awkward to try. Plus, I'm 60, and went through menopause 3 years ago, so my libido is pretty nil. -Sad )-:

My first husband (who had Type I diabetes when we married) and I got married when he was nineteen, and---at seventeen---I had no knowledge that his sexuality at that moment in time was at the peak of his soon-to-be-vanishing lifetime sexuality.

For him, this was no big deal (he had many other reasons why he wanted to be married...and why he wanted to be married to ME)...but for me, it was devastating. We liked each other a great deal as people (we always did....right up until he later died)...but (though neither of us realized it) not only were we (a year or so into our marriage) dramatically sexually mismatched, we also had completely different life goals (which neither of us realized when we married, for all kinds of reasons). We were divorced three years after our marriage.

I think that kids, once they are into puberty, should learn about the realities of male and female sex drives...and that what appears to be "forever" truth when either partner is a teenager or young adult, has nothing at all to do with "forever"...

...and, in the case of males, IS (almost certainly) going to go through a dampening down process (either due to hormonal decrease, or prescription drugs), while the sex drive of females, at that same point in life, is often just taking off on an upward swoop on the life graph.

Add in the possible effects of earlier and unfortunate life experiences on the part of either partner (sexual abuse, incest, rape, etc.), and the potential complications increase dramatically.

We can't tell in advance what is going to affect our sexual lives in the yet-to-unfold decades (medical procedures, etc.), but we CAN create an environment where kids growing up---gradually, and in age-appropriate ways---learn that "what you 'see' " during the late teens and twenties is, very often, NOT "what you will get" during your increasing adult decades.

Teenagers and young adults, in my opinion, have the RIGHT to know what can reasonably happen during the adult years of people "just like them," because it just might happen TO them.

^^ Everything above me ^^ is exactly why I'm not the slightest bit disappointed that my libido has gone down drastically over the past year or two. If not for the need for sex I can do without a woman in my life. And sorry gals, but most guys, the vast majority of guys, are like that. And if you admitted it, you're the same way except exchange having sex for having kids. I've seen it too much around me, it's a definite pattern and makes sense really.
Men and women are not meant to be with each other long term. Evolution dictates getting as many combinations of DNA out in the world, it doesn't give two shits about what happens after that.

I am going to be single the rest of my life (with flings as they occur naturally) and I'm perfectly content with that. Your stories all sound so awful. Fuck.