I actually had posted this in reply to another forum member's posting on here, but I wanted to put it out as a separate topic to see if anyone else could relate..

Back in 2007 I had been attending the temple quite frequently trying to find answers or peace or something about all of my questions concerning the church. I had actually set up an appointment to talk to the temple president earlier in the week, hoping that he would be able to provide some answers or guidance. My bishop had only told me that I was on the road to apostasy and excommunication, which wasn't very helpful.

The temple president didn't have much to offer, but encouraged me to attend the temple and to pray, which I did.

I remember sitting in the chapel at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple in American Fork, Utah. I was there with my uncle Mike. He was on the same journey as I was, and we had come together that day in the spirit of prayer, asking for God's truth to be unfolded to us to help us know what to do with all of our concerns. I asked for the truth..thats all I was praying for. Well we got what we asked for..but it wasn't quite what we were expecting.

I felt very uneasy, for some reason. I turned to him and whispered, "I feel really weird..like something isn't right." He said, "I know, I feel the same thing." I closed my eyes and prayed with all my heart for God's spirit to come and comfort me. But my prayer for truth apparently trumped my prayer for comfort, because the more I prayed, the more intense the dark feeling got. I remember sitting there with my eyes closed and seeing horrific demonic images coming into my mind..seriously, it was really messed up. I was like, "am I going crazy?" So I chose to open my eyes instead of seeing those awful things, and the officiators had come into the chapel by then. I'll never forget the man that was talking..he looked dark, and his eyes were just plain evil. It was really startling, because I had always had really beautiful experiences in the temple..feelings of peace etc up until today. But it was like the blinders came off, and I saw it all for what it really was..my "eyes were truly opened," as the endowment ceremony had promised..for those who choose to "take the fruit." (i.e. the "red pill" for any Matrix fans out there..;)

It was all I could do to stay through the whole ceremony. It was awful..I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. But I felt like I needed to stay, to see it all for what it really was; a lie. It was like everything that felt so full before had suddenly become a husk...a shell, void of meaning, a whited sepulcher..white, and beautiful on the outside but full of death and bones on the inside. Strange how appropriate that analogy is to the temple..with all of the "work for the dead," that goes on inside...or necro-dunking as you called it..lol.

It goes further, there's necro-sealing, necro-endow-ing, necro-initiating...all sorts of dead people stuff going on inside.

I could hardly stand to touch the officiators hand to do the handshake's throughout the ceremony. I looked him right in the eyes at one point, and just a cold-as-ice gaze returned back to me. I am pretty sure he could see it on my face, but I was disgusted; I saw how sick the whole lie really was - and it made me physically ill.

After it was over, Mike and I didn't even stay in the celestial room and pray like we had done in the past. We just got the hell out of there. I remember looking back at the front view of the temple that I had admired so many times before as the "House of the Lord." As I walked out my car..I swore a new covenant in my heart, to supercede the one's I had made in that temple years earlier: and that new promise was to never enter that place again.

I left the church in 2008 and have never been happier than I am today. It hasn't been easy, but I am truly a free man today and live an absolutely amazing life - free to think, explore, question anything I want. I have a new relationship with a God of my own understanding. I don't know too much about it..but it's real, and super liberal, and non-judgmental and just helps me try to be a good person.

Thanks again for the opportunity to share this stuff..I've kept it all inside for years, because I didn't realize there were so many others that had been down the same path. Glad to know I'm not alone.

This reminds me of the last time I ever met with a bishop.

I had outed myself to my TBM wife that I no longer believed in the church and had no intention of continuing being an active Mormon. She asked me if I would go have a meeting with the bishop. She set up the appointment.

I met with him and told him some of my issues with the church. He tried to be understanding. But he asked me if I would consider going to the temple since I had a current temple recommend. I told him that I already tried that route and got zero answers there. And I also had told him that I could no longer answer most of the questions in the temple recommend interview. (sustain the leaders, believe in god, jesus, believe in the BoM) I asked how he could suggest I go to the temple if I could not answer those basic questions. He told me it didn't matter, that I just needed to go so I could get my testimony back.

I never went back to the temple. I have only gone to church for a couple family events.

I can relate to that uneasy feeling. You can twist your mind to find hidden meaning in the temple and believe you're doing an important work for the dead, but once your eyes are opened it immediately becomes laughable.

I decided to re-read the BoM and up my temple attendance a few years ago to see if I could regain my faith. I had attended the temple quite a bit before, but I never really found any meaning in the endowment. I just believed it was important work that I would be blessed for doing. I felt good doing "service"...especially since it required almost no effort, no money, no talking to others, etc...

The last time I attended the temple I was desperate for answers. My family knew about my doubt by this time and nobody was handling it well. I changed in the locker room and sat for a while and prayed, pleading for a good experience. I continued my prayers in the chapel. I paid close attention in the endowment to every word, every promise, etc... I paid close attention to my surroundings. I just felt nothing...no answers, no meaning, not even any regular old warm fuzzies.

I looked around at the others there and everyone just looked anxious to get through it. They looked embarrassed to be there in their "robes" and silly hats...especially those in the prayer circle. It just felt like everyone there KNEW that this was all BS.

I suddenly recalled preparing to go to the temple for the first time and my first experience. I remembered my parents making jokes about the initiatories and the temple clothes trying to laugh off the weirdness. I thought it was a bit odd, but then the stake president did the same thing. I thought I was getting ready for some super-spiritual experience, but people are joking about silly hats and being naked?

I went through for the first time and I got nothing out of it. I get through the veil and walk into the celestial room with a confused look on my face to see my parents and older sister in their funny clothes. They all have anxious smiles, like they're thinking "please don't run out of here". My mom and sister just give me hugs. My dad puts his hand on my shoulder and reassures me "you'll learn something new each time you come back". He obviously knew this wasn't the spiritual experience I was hoping for right before my mission...but I trusted him...maybe next time...

I'm sitting there in my last session and realize that "maybe next time" had become a theme for my temple attendance. Am I going to go through my whole life hoping for something when all evidence says it's never coming?...when nobody in the place looks happy to be there? Something was definitely wrong and it wasn't me.

I gave prayer one last shot in the celestial room. Nothing. I looked around and saw a couple people praying that looked more distraught then me. They were obviously pleading for something. Maybe they were going through the same thing I was. Maybe they were praying for sick family members. Maybe they were just struggling with their church-instilled self-doubt. Who knows? It just struck me that no help was coming in that place for me or for anyone else. If there's a loving God, he doesn't need you to perform silly rituals or pray in a temple to earn his love and blessings.

I walked out of the temple at ease. I didn't get what I came for, but I left with a new covenant much like you...to never return. I haven't missed it at all.

I remember praying in the celestial room just like you did. I was in agony wondering when everything in life would makes sense. I did everything TSCC asked me to do X100, so why did I still feel so empty & lost, and why did no one love me?

Well TSCC never did make me feel whole the way it always promised it would. So I found wholeness is a process that only comes over years of hard work and taking a beating out in the real world.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/06/2016 06:59PM by lenina.

Years ago someone said even satan could get in the temple. I wondered how the hell that was supposed to work and what bishop gave him a recommend?

The temple didn't break the camel's back for me, but it sure made it sag. The BoA was the final straw, but I was so relieved to be free of any temple obligation. It was creepy.

It's Beyond Amazing that so many LDS chatter about 'how inspiring' temple & other church experiences are; I seriously wonder if they've had any other breath-taking events.

Temple puts ppl to sleep, but appeals to our emotions (ha).

I've decided that the people who say 'how inspiring' the temple is are just parroting what they've been brainwashed to believe.

Everything is white & quiet & expensively decorated in the temple. Those things might make some people think they feel inspired. Maybe they enjoy a few quiet hours away from a noisy life.

But I always found the temple experience incredibly numbing & empty.

I was wondering if it's the "whiteness" of the temple and the expensive looking furniture that makes people feel like they are in a special place. The decor is probably just another way to deceive everyone.

I love hearing these stories.

I went to do baptisms for the dead one time. Every time I'd tried to go it in the past it was that "time of the month" and I wasn't allowed. Finally my big day arrives and I'm able to go. I was hoping to feel something special, to maybe finally get a real testimony since I'd been obeying all the rules. The man doing the baptisms was kind of gross looking. I know, shallow, but he was. I didn't get any warm fuzzies. It was a disappointment and not what I thought it would be.

I didn't ever do the rest of it. I heard it was weird and now that I know more about what goes on there, I'd have freaked out.

I'm perplexed by those that ever had any positive feelings towards the temple. I disliked everything about it and never really understood how anyone could take away anything "good" from it.

The endowment and initiatory were just plain creepy, and only through repeated exposure was I able to go from feeling creeped out to feeling weird and dumb.

Date night at the temple was the worst. What could be a worse way to spend time (or rather not spend time) together? Ugh! I hated it when my wife would "suggest" that we do the Temple date night.

Maybe most of all, I hated that I had to pretend that I, like everyone else, really loved and revered the temple. I hated it for making me feel like there was something spiritually wrong with me because of my feelings towards it.

This reminds me of Exmo Aspie's recent experience doing baptisms for the dead, he felt the evil there too.

Aside from the first time when I eagerly awaited some amazing spiritual experience which never materialised, I never once managed to get through the entire session without dozing off to sleep. I learned to take mints in my pocket and have some interesting things to ponder. It was undoubtedly one of the most mind numbingly boring things I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through. So relieved that I will never do it again.

Express yourself. What the heck they did to you is crazy. They deserve this feedback. The never will admit what a mindf*ck their temple is.

I hope you've found the peace you were seeking.

I was pulled aside to do sealings. They didn't pull my husband aside, just me as some lady hadn't shown up. I had a lot of issues already with the temple. I had wanted to be able to sit in the CR because I felt if I could find answers anywhere, it would be there. My husband was gay and I knew God would give me my answers. I never got to sit down, not once.

So this last time (just after the 1990 changes and my ex wanted me to see the new movie), they pull me aside. In my young life (even old life), I've had a lot of stalkers and I also had a bunch of odd guys in the singles ward who would follow me around. I don't mean to be rude, BUT I get there to do the sealings and this guy that was there who I got to be "sealed to" over and over and over again kept looking at me with those "eyes" like he'd found his love. It was just TOO MUCH. I sat in the foyer for 40 minutes waiting for my husband to come out. That was all I needed, all the meditation I needed. I've never been back either.

I did write to Packer years ago about marrying someone gay and he wrote me a very rude letter back. Whenever I'd see the letter, I'd get a dark feeling. Couldn't understand that one either. I burned the letter. Throwing it out wasn't good enough. I burned it just before I married my "ex."

My husband was a convert and we waited the full year so that we could get married in the temple. A week before we were supposed to go through, my (then fiancé) told me that he really wasn't sure about TSCC!! I was honestly heartbroken and SO confused. Obviously I couldn't tell my true, ultra devout family. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone but couldn't imagine giving up the love of my life. So, I started debating whether or not we should just call off the temple wedding and do the civil ceremony, which we were already doing because none of his family were Mormon. The next day was a Fast Sunday and my Mom, (who NEVER bore her testimony) went to the front and talked all about how proud she was that I was getting married in the temple...on and on and on. So we did. The first time we went through I hated every second of it. I was shaking. I started crying uncontrollably in the celestial room because it was NOTHING like what we had sang about in primary. We stayed active in TSCC for 5 years and only went back once.

My last trip to the temple was so I could take back my oaths. I literally started the whole temple ceremony and stood when the presenter asked if anyone did not want to continue. I stood up and announced that I no longer believed that the temple represented anything to do with God and that I wanted to "take back" the oaths I had made years earlier. I stated that "before God, angels, and the people in this room this day" that I didn't believe any of it and I did not want to give everything, including my very soul, to this church. The officiator started chasing me around the room as I was speaking until one of the other participants told him to leave me alone and just let me finish what I had to say. I finished my short speech and they didn't know what to do. Finally they asked me to come out of the room and I agreed. They invited me to meet with the temple president. He started out kind of demanding and them loosened up a bit. He wanted my TR but I refused and told him I would return it to the man who had given it to me but I never did.

I don't have any illusions that what I did had much impact on anyone else but it sure made me feel better to "officially" take back those creepy oaths in the same place where I made them.

Oh my gosh! I got warm fuzzies reading your story. Thanks.

It sounds to me like your prayers were answered, after all your soul searching.

The icy cold stares gazing back at you would've given me the chills in the temple. The emptiness and hollowness in place of hallowedness, is testament in itself how broken it is.

I've only been to the temple to do baptisms for the dead as a teenager, and to be sealed to my parents while yet a young child.

My experiences don't come anywhere near yours.

It was attending church at the local ward and branch level that opened my eyes to the evilness in front of me.

My last trip to a Sunday block session had many of the same feelings and emotions you described on your last trip to the temple.

I just knew as I was leaving the meeting house that day it was the last time I'd be going there. A heavy dark feeling had settled over me, it was with sadness but firm resolution I was going and not coming back. The people had become similar to those you described in the temple, cold vacant and distant, with icy stares.

And empty on the inside. Not a place to go for spiritual warmth, food or sustenance. No longer a sanctuary or place to go to simply pray and fellowship. Once I could no longer identify as a Mormon I wasn't able to relate to them either, nor they to me.

Why did they seem more brainwashed the more I knew? Had they become more set in their dogma? Or was I just seeing it up close for the first time under a magnifying glass?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/07/2016 12:56PM by Amyjo.

The longer I am out, the more I feel a sense of embarrassment over being so gullible, so naive, so duped into believing such total nonsense. I think that is part of the reason I do not like associating with active Mormons today.

They remind me of what a fool I was and it is all I can do to be civil to them. I admit, it's about me, not them.

I feel pity toward them and feel nauseous as I watch them continue playing along. Some of them seem so arrogant and silly as they strut around pretending to be better and know more than anyone else. Laughable and embarrassing for me to be around them.

I really relate to this feeling. I feel disgusted when I am around especially arrogant Mormon's. Because I used to be one.. :S

I never thought the temple was anything other than an incredibly lame fraternity with absolutely no value outside of my group of friends and family who believed to be getting these nebulous blessings for obedience. The only good part had nothing to do with the temple experience itself but had to do with the notion that I was "worthy" to be there.

The temple is spiritual porn. For some it tides them over--that's fine if they want. They can do what they want.

Watching a movie, playing dress up, exchanging handshakes that would make any Cleveland Cavalier fan proud--well, if that floats your boat, bro, have at it.

I prefer the real thing. I'd rather put on my old dusty boots, put a couple bottles of water in my backpack, don my crappy old sun hat and head out to the desert where I walk alone for a couple hours. I say whatever comes into my head; silence is the desert's answer. That there is what scrapes my soul down to the rind. Just me and the universe, eyeing each other warily.

No revelation, because there isn't any. That's the revelation.

For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works. -2 Corinthians 11:13-15

Hey let's not forget about all those temple BS stories told by TBM fools.

One I heard was a lady falling asleep during endowment. The person she represented came to her as a spirit and chastised her for ruining her endowment.

Another, someone told me as they did necro dunks, the pew had ppl watching the font. As each dunk happened, a person would stand up and leave the pew.

What total crap! I knew those were garbage lies. Ppl make up anything for attention.

I had an interesting thing happen in the Orlando Temple. I was in the celestial room with my beloved wife, sitting on a couch, when we decided to bow our heads in SILENT prayer. A temple-worker sister came over to us, INTERRUPTED our prayer, and very rudely said: "We don't allow prayers to be conducted in the celestial room!" WHAT?? We weren't vocal: we were silently bowing our heads and each of us praying separately...in our minds. I wanted to "make a scene," but TBM wifey talked me down. It probably wouldn't have mattered, since this one sister already had it in her thick head that you aren't allowed to pray in the CR. What a crock of crap. A day off work, gas money, baby-sitter fees, toll roads and food...all to be ruined by one idiot sister who felt it her obligation to prohibit prayer in the CR of the temple.