I am really frustrated today and trying to keep calm. Has anyone here ever had a partner use this? Any advice on how to deal with it. Up to now, I'm always the one to break down and apologize and make peace. I don't think I want to do that anymore. Today, I can't even figure out what I should be apologizing for.

Does this ever get better?

Pretend you don't notice. Just live as you would if they were away on a trip. If you break down and apologize you are just reinforcing his behaviour.

I don't know if it will get better or not but I do know if s/he wakes you apologize when you not even know what you did wrong, s/he will keep doing it.

annieg Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Pretend you don't notice. Just live as you would
> if they were away on a trip. If you break down
> and apologize you are just reinforcing his
> behaviour.
>
> I don't know if it will get better or not but I do
> know if s/he wakes you apologize when you not even
> know what you did wrong, s/he will keep doing it.



I agree with this comment. Good luck to you!

But I also think the O/P should deliberately do a few small things he/she knows irritates the partner in question. That can start a shouting match, but at least some communication can start at that point.

Like push him/her down the stairs?

The silent treatment is abuse. Long term it can cause physical pain and severe depression. It is not something someone should do to someone they claim to love or care about.

There are several options to dealing with the silent treatment, none of them are easy, unfortunately...

You can acquiesce and give in and apologize. This sets a dangerous precedence though in that you'll open yourself up to it again in the future. After all, it worked for them this time, they can and most likely will do it again.

You can ignore them back... Also not necessarily the best idea if what's if the goal is to keep the relationship, because it soon becomes a test of wills to see who will breakdown first. That doesn't make for a good relationship.

You can confront the person, state that it is unacceptable to be treated that way. That for the relationship to work, there needs to be communication. You can even say that you understand that they are hurt, but that the silent treatment is unacceptable.

Abuse is abuse. If this is a common thing, please consider getting help at least for your self and maybe even relationship help.

I agree with item #3, it doesn't have to be rude. When Mrs. Boner tries the silent treatment, I confront her with, "We've been married too long for me to not notice that you're unhappy about something. What is it?"

I don't think the silent treatment is abuse,(ok in your situation it sounds more like abuse) but I did have a therapist tell me that it's akin to an adult temper tantrum.

When my husband and I disagree on something and I don't feel like talking, it has nothing to do though with wanting to punish him.

It has everything to do with feeling really hurt and either unable to verbalize my feelings or feeling like when I do verbalize instead of validation for my feeling getting told well you just shouldn't feel like that.

I'm pretty sure if you both agreed on what you were discussing there would be no 'silent' treatment. So it comes down to understanding that you can both have differing opinions and either one of you may feel a certain way about those opinions but we are each individuals and have a right to those opinions.

I find when my husband validates my frustrations, even if he can't change his opinions, I feel better.

Most of our 'disagreements' and my silent treatments have been about the church. I have a really hard time with his pov. But, I love him more than anything in this world, and I let him know that I will fight for kindness and equality wherever I meet bigotry and intolerance and we both let it go. Until next time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2016 04:05PM by minnieme.

My husband does this. At some point he almost always decides to start talking again. Sometimes with an apology, sometimes not. I tend to ignore him because he has to have his cooling off period and telling him we need to talk and work it out just doesn't work with him. If there is something that he needs to know or do I go up and tell him or text him and that's all I say to him. If I know I am in the wrong I apologize but that doesn't mean he'll start talking to me again. It's annoying but he is what he is.

Sometimes the silence is the better option. It can be used in lieu of a confrontation where things can escalate quickly and things may be said that cannot be taken back. Consider it a cooling down period. Done correctly, it can be the lesser of possibly worse approaches to marital conflict.

Well, it is abuse. This is a tool that manipulators use to control your behavior. It succeeds because it makes you feel like shit and you end up apologizing even if your partner was the one in the wrong and the silent treatment started because you wouldn't let something slide. It's a way to avoid personal responsibility for hurtful behavior toward you. That is straight up abusive.

When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, my BF pulled this all the time. I acquiesced immediately and fell all over myself to apologize and make peace. But then found that my needs never got met and my concerns were never heard because if he heard something that would require him to take responsibility, then he'd shut down and the silent treatment would begin. Sometimes I was also gaslighted at the same time ("What do you mean, silent treatment? I was talking to you!")

I found a website called Heartless Bitches International and they have a tab on their page called The Manipulator Files. Do some reading. Not only will that help you identify the manipulative behaviors, but there's also tips in there on how to handle things.

One trick that I found particularly helpful was mirroring, which is not the same thing as reflexive listening. In reflexive listening, you repeat back what you think you just heard. With mirroring, you just repeat back exactly what your partner said.

Here's a good page with some communication tips that might be helpful.
http://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/lifecoach-articles/manipulative-behaviour-hard-to-spot-hard-to-handle

1. Recognise it. Be alert to the phrases and techniques that they use such as 'No one agrees with you' (isolating) or ‘I don’t mind, you decide’ (avoidance).

2.Ask for clarification. In response to ‘Everyone disagrees with you’, find out precisely 'Who disagrees? What exactly is their view?'.

3. Self-disclose how you feel on the receiving end of their behaviour, such as ‘I’m confused…’ or ‘I feel uncomfortable or disconcerted…’

4.Be clear and specific: say why. ‘… because I’m unsure what you mean…' or ‘because you haven’t spoken to me since you came in to work today’.

5. Broken record: persist with assertive questions if you don’t get an answer. ‘I would like to know what you prefer’ to the person who keeps saying ‘I don’t mind’.

6.Put your own view forward clearly – 'I know you think it’s a great opportunity for me, but it’s not one I seek for myself right now. I have different priorities'. You don’t have to convince them.

7. Request a change of behaviour, asking them to be clear with you in future. ‘In future I’d much rather know what you’d prefer instead of saying that you don’t mind’

Another thing I found helpful was to just let it bounce off me. Keep chirping away cheerfully. Don't let it show that it bothers you. Ignore the part where he's ignoring you -- ask questions, make comments, just go about your business like you haven't even been bothered to notice that your partner hasn't spoken to you in three days. This will be super frustrating, but do not show your frustration in front of him! Wait until he leaves the room (or the house) and vent elsewhere. The only reason the silent treatment works is because you let it bother you.

I also want to point out that the Silent Treatment is very different from taking a break from the conversation. It's one thing to just shut down and not even say good morning. It's much healthier to say "I'm upset right now and need some time to think. Let's talk about this tomorrow." Give a firm time frame if you want to take a conversation break -- don't just leave it vague. But to come right out and say, "I want to take a break from this conversation"? That's not the silent treatment. That's just respecting each other's space.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2016 04:46PM by dogzilla.

dogzilla, I really like most of what you wrote except

<One trick that I found particularly helpful was mirroring, which is not the same thing as reflexive listening. In reflexive listening, you repeat back what you think you just heard. With mirroring, you just repeat back exactly what your partner said.

that just feels too much like what I used to do to my little sister or brother when I really wanted to piss them off.

I had my doubts about that too, when I first read it. My (emotional) abuser is really smart so I figured he'd catch on right away. I was stunned at how well it worked.

"YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME."

"I never listen to you."

"You should do what I tell you."

"I should do what I tell you."

And pretty soon, his face changed, like he was satisfied that I was listening to him and heard him and that I'd finally GOT IT. He inferred that I agreed with him, although I hadn't even implied such a thing. It really stopped the fight right away.

Thing is, people who will manipulate using the silent treatment often suffer from really poor self-esteem, which was definitely the case with this exBF. Just mirroring back at him made him think he'd been heard and I was deferring to his "authority." It is a short-term solution though. You don't want to go through 30 or 40 years of a relationship with someone constantly parroting everything they say to you. It was a short-term solution that helped defuse tense, angry situations until I was in a position to leave the relationship. I had to make sure I was safe first and that was a good way to de-escalate the fear of imminent danger.

I think that people who think the silent treatment is abuse actually are prone to be abusers. No one has to communicate with someone who is abusing them.

There is a very big difference between not wanting to communicate and actively ignoring someone.

I've been at the end of both. I can totally understand someone being emotionally overwhelmed in an argument and needing to take a break or simply not being able to communicate. I've been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt. So has my wife. It happens. People get overwhelmed an find themselves stuck in their heads and needing time to unravel their thoughts. That's not the "silent treatment".

When someone refuses to communicate with you, actively, for extended periods of time, days even. That's abusive. Someone you love denies your existence for days on end. Being in the same room while they look right through you and refuse to acknowledge you in any way. That's abuse. You question yourself. It is manipulative to get their way. No one should be made to feel that way.

A family member used to do that to me. I found that ignoring the behavior and going about my business was the best course of action. Within 2-3 days the other person would start talking again as if nothing was ever amiss. I'm an introvert so it doesn't bother me to keep to myself.

Stand your ground. Don't apologize, especially if you know you didn't do anything to say sorry for. Passive aggressive behavior is so difficult to deal with. Good luck.

Look he/she straight in the face and without sound mouth the words you wish to say. A long walk in the park sans spouse has worked for me more than once.

good luck!

I am vewy vewy quiet...and I just go and do something else for a couple hours...or days...or however long it takes...and the chill in the air warms up and life goes on. Sometimes if I'm feeling hurt from what was said, I'm the one ignoring her....but time heals so I let it.

RB

I divorced him.

Me too. Best.thing.ever. to be out of that. S/he would shut me down, and then complain that they couldn't communicate with me. Sooo tired of that game, and now I no longer have to play.

I agree that the "silent treatment" is not only manipulative, but abusive. The spouse who gave me the silent treatment also beat me.

My mother used to give us the silent treatment, and would refuse to even look at us kids. My father traveled a lot, and wasn't around much, but when he was, he would take over, and take care of us. Often he wouldn't know which one of us my mother was hating at the time. Yes, this is hatred. The silent treatment would go on for days, and once my mother left us alone, and went to stay at a relative's house. I walked to elementary school, but then decided that if my mother wasn't being a good mother, I wouldn't be a good daughter, and would not go to school. It was not fun, when we ran out of food. My father had some old Army ration food, and we ate all the malted milk balls out of them.

With each silent treatment, I physically felt something being killed inside of me. I could never completely love my mother, the way I loved my father. Your spouse is digging their own grave with your marriage. He/she needs counseling. Unfortunately, TBM's like my mother think they know it all, and that counseling is just a scam.

Tell you mentally ill spouse that the only lesson the silent treatment teaches is hatred. Silence means: "I don't give a damn about you."

I think there is a big difference between the silent treatment and needing some space to think. If you need some space, you tell the person that you need some space and you take it. Walking around pouting and acting like a child isn't acceptable. I would not put up with it.

What is the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with you? I would rather be living alone that living with someone who refuses to acknowledge me or interact with me. If someone doesn't want to have anything to do with me, let's just end this now.

I agree with this. You need to determine if your spouse is simply being quiet because he doesn't want to talk, or if he is actively and intentionally using silence as a weapon. Ask directly if you need to. If he just needs time and space to cool down, or think things through, learn to be patient. Let him know that you'd like to talk when he's ready. Understand that this is his process.

If he is really giving you the silent treatment to control and/or punish you, call him out on it. Let him know it's not okay. If he is unwilling to change the behavior, you will have decide if it's something you're willing to live with or not.

(I used the pronoun "he", though I realize you did not specify genders. Advice is the same either way.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2016 08:23PM by Pista.

Ask if they are mad at you. Go from there.

There were times when I used to pray for the silent treatment: Times when I would have sold my soul just to have them shut the hell up!

Open the phone book to "Divorce Attorneys". "You can talk to me, or you can talk to them, your choice"

Do not accept this crap.

My spouse sometimes likes to pretend like he has no clue what he did wrong, even when it is really obvious. Then he likes making me explain in detail my perceptions and feelings of a given event. It's exhausting and like speaking to a five year old. If I know he's playing the "dumb" game on me, he gets the silent treatment in return. Sometimes he really doesn't know, and then I speak frankly with him. But if he plays dumb on me, he gets silence. One good game deserves another.

I vote for getting up in the morning singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" at the top of my lungs alternated with "Zippidy Doo Daa."

Just dance around the house as you do whatever it is YOU want to do. Make your own food and clean up for yourself. Go out and take a nice walk. Put your earbuds in and do your own thing.

The best defense is a good offense!

Nothing will tick the jerk off more than seeing you not be hurt and sad! Good luck!

Thank you all for your input. I was feeling hopeless yesterday but today, I'm hopeful. I will try Finally Free's third approach when we get home from work tonight. Hoping the ice will break soon (as in tonight). Hoping I can stay calm. Hoping I won't mouth the words "fuck you" in his face (thank you desertman).

It'll be hard because in conflict situations, it's either silent treatment, or I can't get a word in edge-wise when and if the ice breaks. He interrupts and talks over me, and goes on and on and on and on and on, so that I completely lose the thought I had, and am left stumbling to reply 5 paragraphs later when he pauses.

It's like being caught red-handed over and over and over again when I can't think of what I wanted to say after he's talked me up a tree. It's really quite humiliating and I need to work on my verbal communication skills to ever have a chance. I know counseling would be really good for us but he would never come with me.

So if it isn't the silent treatment, it is a filibuster.

Ann Landers would tell you to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. Dan Savage would tell you to DTMFA.

When my husband does that talking over me bit. I am not dealing with an adult any longer, I'm dealing with his two year old self. Just remember that.

How would you treat a two year old?

Just say, 'when you really want to talk and listen we can have a discussion, until then go to your room and think about what you've done.'

Consider going to counseling for yourself if he won't go with you. Setting up proper and healthy boundaries can help you deal with situations like this.

As another thought regarding the wall of words attack... You can not respond to specific arguments when that happens. There's just no way. So, don't even try. There's no point, because they are living in the past and will always have something new to bring up.

Both the silent treatment and the barrage of words are opposite sides of the same thing. They are attempts to keep you off balance and unable to respond or defend yourself.

So, what do you do? Respond to the emotion. "It sounds like you are very hurt. I know it's hard to communicate when you're hurt. I want to work through this. I need for us to focus on what's going on right now. What can we do to move forward."

Be a broken record if you have to. It may take a long time, and it can be very hard, because if they are saying mean and hurtful things, it can be very difficult to not want to respond directly defending each statement... I'm guessing, based on your posts that you know how well that will go.

When someone is stuck in their emotions, they can bring up anything and everything from the past, but the root of their current problem is usually recent and can be dealt with. The hard part is that when the argument is over, they may be fine, but you're dealing with all the emotion that was thrown at you, and that can take a while to recover. So, again, being a broken record and trying to find out what the current issue is, while difficult it can be the key.

My husband (a great guy) was telling me how I should handle a situation. (He has his ways of dealing with people, and I have mine.)

So, I just kept saying (with a smile), "Well, thank you for your input." I declined to engage beyond that.

I've used that same approach with many people in different situations. That and "Interesting!"

Meanwhile, I am slowly deep breathing and take a mental trip to a different place.

It works pretty well.

Talk about a moody bastard! He is a much happier person out of the closet.

I had to learn to ignore him and act as though nothing was wrong. There were times I called him out on it and force him to admit he was doing it. It was easier to just ignore him.

I get talked over all the time. I seem to be everyone's sounding board, but nobody really wants to hear what I have to say. No wonder I have a long-time therapist!