I'm fine with my change in beliefs. As I get more settled in to the exmo worldview I'm more at peace, less nervous, happier. My wife, meanwhile, is still devout. (But maybe less so?)

As many of you have urged (to me and others), I avoid theological warfare. I respect her differences in belief. Any discussions that do come up are without blame or shame. I bite my tongue a lot.

Instead, I try to be a good hubby and stepdad to her kids. I find that now 'm taking a more proactive approach to the kids' lives and needs (e.g. yesterday I mentioned that one of the girls is getting a little pudgy and maybe we should help her watch her diet or encourage a dance class at the gym). I think I'm a better husband because I know I have unwanted and, IMO, negative competition: LDS. I'm trying to show through my actions and by expressing my inner happiness that there's an alternative to the church.

It seems to be working (knock on wood). Saturday night I suggested we take the girls to the zoo on Sunday instead of church. She said yes--I'm pretty sure partly because I didn't press the point or get all high and mighty--i.e., "We should take to girls somewhere instead of that stupid church!"

We had a great time at the zoo--a perfect family excursion. Not one mention of the church. Just laughter, love, fresh air and sunshine--the important stuff.

Excellent...free market competition at it's best! If only the church would reciprocate by trying to prove it is worthy of the blind brand loyalty it fosters in its members.

Though I am nevermo, I, too, have a TBM wife who sporadically seems less devout than when I married her over three years ago. She and I both attribute it to me being a better husband than her RM ex, and come out better than most (if not all) priesthood holders in comparison in the ward. My only negative mark is that I'm not a member, and she has actually said recently that that is of less importance to her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2016 11:39AM by surprenant.

"(e.g. yesterday I mentioned that one of the girls is getting a little pudgy and maybe we should help her watch her diet or encourage a dance class at the gym)"

Oh my god.

Please stop doing shit like this. Don't be body shaming girls.

If your stepdaughter wants to lose some weight, then great, be supportive WHEN and IF she asks you for support. Otherwise, try to work on stopping valuing women for their fuckability (or looks only).

All I know about this girl is you think she's a little too pudgy. What can she do? What is she good at? What is her VALUE to the world? Focus on that. Help her discover and develop her talents and interests.

But for the love of dog and all that is holy could you please not start harping on some poor girl's weight as if that is the only thing valuable about her?

You have a lot of recovery work to do with respect to not being mormon anymore. Why don't you start with your inherent sexism?

There's no body shaming involved--she's unhealthy. She's also in an awkward place emotionally. I think it would be good for her to get control of her emotions instead of resorting to drugs (i.e., carbohydrates), which is what she's doing now. She's not going to start the slow descent into diabetes and high blood pressure if I can help it.

By the way, last week her gynecologist also recommended (to her mom) that the girl have a change of diet.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2016 11:54AM by getbusylivin.

You have to be very careful when you single a kid out for being pudgy. I know your intentions are innocent, but you're sending pointed signals.

Perhaps you could see this not as *her* problem, but rather a problem with unhealthy eating habits in the family. If there are too many carb choices to be had, why not eliminate some of them for everyone instead of making her feel self conscience in a negative way.

A younger sister has a different set of issues: defending herself at school from aggressive peers. She just served a three-day suspension for smacking another girl who called her a "whore." There's a lot of man-on-woman violence down here (South America) so we're looking into having both her and her zaftig sister try some martial arts classes. They like to do stuff together; that might improve several issues at once.

There are other issues. The eldest daughter and her family just got evicted from their rental and she was just robbed at knife-point two days ago (theirs is a dangerous barrio). A fourth daughter is getting married in five days to somebody who's already up to his armpits in debt.

All of us see a (non-LDS) counselor on a rotating basis, by the way. The Mrs. and I are firm believers in preventive maintenance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2016 12:06PM by getbusylivin.

This is an excellent approach. Make it a family goal to be more active and eat a healthier diet. My daughter (late 20's) is back home to study for the Bar Exam.

We are regarding this as an opportunity, and we are all eating super-healthy, doing our favorite fitness activities and supporting each other.

There is no body shaming involved for any of us. But we know how important it is to be fit and healthy.

The preteen and teen years are key for avoiding a lifetime of unhealthy food practices, overweight, and an unhealthy lifestyle and all the emotional issues that come with it.

When it's a family goal, always positive and encouraging, it is fun!

getbusylivin:

I know you are talking about a one-time talk with your daughter and using her health as a basis for the discussion. But please, please consider carefully.

My mother told me I was fat. In fairness to you, she harped on it through my childhood. Still, fifty years later, I use food for comfort. She would bitch, I would eat. If I had to, I would eat in secret. I would eat when I was away from home so she wouldn't know. Just as I handled the beer she stroked over.

Please, please, please be careful. Overeaters Anonymous says to develop good eating habits in a child (my understanding anyway)
you should never say anything about how much they eat. As a parent you certainly regulate sugar, soft drinks, candy, etc., but you should do that for everyone in the family. Let your daughter develop good eating habits by watching you and Mrs. getbusylivin.

This is to dogzilla: Whoa! Seems like a sensitive topic. Encouraging someone to get healthy and fit is not shaming them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2016 12:24PM by rubi123.

It's not too hard to shine when the competition is what it is. Zoo last Sunday. Keep this up and she will be out from under the clutches (as will the girls) What are you lining up for the coming weeks? Swimming? Drive up the canyon, Picnic, Movie,?

We're mulling that over. We don't have a car so we're limited to bus-based excursions. There's a large park with picnic areas and soccer fields nearby--I think that's next on the agenda.

I'm going to bring up the subject with the Mrs. I wonder how she feels about missing the first-of-the-month show-and-tell (Testimony Sunday)?

And, while I agree there should be no body shaming or judgment, it read to me like you were making a plan with the Mrs. to have her eat healthy and get more exercise. Seems like a good idea. It didn't sound like you were going to tell her anything, just offer healthy food and exercise (and on Sunday!)

Good luck!