Hey folks, sorry about the off-topic but I'm trying to gather as much feedback as I can from the forums I frequent.

I recently broke up with a very needy, clingy girl. She wanted to still be "friends" which I agreed to mainly because she has NO support network whatsoever -- her parents are raging alcoholics and she has no friends. It was a long-distance relationship via text messages and only lasted 4 months, though I guess it got kind of intense at times. She has always been very insecure and needy to the point where I felt more like a counselor than a boyfriend.

Now she's flooding my inbox almost every day, generally freaking out a lot. It's been a week now but she still doesn't seem to be moving on at all. She won't take my advice to find a counselor/therapist nearby, despite obviously needing one. And I feel like I simply cannot be her counselor anymore. Would it be monstrous of me to just block her entirely and let her sort things out on her own? How else am I supposed to deal with this very needy, insecure person? Any tips would be appreciated.

When you're on an airplane they tell you, if you're in an emergency situation, put on your own oxygen mask before you put on someone else's. There comes a point when you have to put your own welfare before someone else's.

Not knowing the people involved, I would say that that if you've tried to help her find a mental health professional and you've made it clear to her that you can't be her counselor, it wouldn't be wrong for you to block her. You have to protect your own mental health, too.

I wouldn't block her, though, unless I had tried to establish boundaries first. Also, if she threatens to hurt herself or anyone else, you'd be within your rights to contact the authorities.

If she threatens to hurt herself or others you have a legal OBLIGATION to notify the authoities. A certified counselor has that legal obligation; you have no less requirement under the law.

Go online and find the city/county mental health clinic that provides no cost or low cost mental health services in her city and text that to her. That way she cannot claim poverty if she cannot or does not want to get care. Then block her and stick to your guns.

You have done more than anyone could expect to help her. Now your action must be to protect yourself.

When she shows up at your door in high drama, do not engage her. Order her off your porch and when she does not go, call the cops.

I have dealt with people like this before. The problem is that you and I are too kind hearted to say "no!" and follow through.

Not to derail the thread but there is absolutely no legal obligation to render aid. There are certain states which have passed Good Samaritan laws, but these are designed to protect the person offering assistance from liability because they do it wrong.

Even implying a moral obligation is spurious at best as it assumes that the requested or apparent need is real, or that the help will do good and not harm.

As others have said, be firm and kind. If that doesn't work choose one and live with the consequences.

knotheadusc Wrote:
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> When you're on an airplane they tell you, if
> you're in an emergency situation, put on your own
> oxygen mask before you put on someone else's.

Yeah, but the reason they say that, is so you can HELP other people..... so, maybe not the best metaphor in this situation

First of all - being needy/clingy and feeling like you can only trust one person (even if they are an ex) is NOT equivalent to being a mental case, on the verge of self-harm, or committing "High Drama"

My point of view, is this - if you have always "felt more like a counselor than a boyfriend" then maybe she sees the same thing, but from the opposite point of view.

If you cant be bothered with this person - who you once considered a partner - then be honest. Gently tell her your concerns and tell her that you consider her to be intrusive of your current situation.

If you simply block her, then you may well damage her.
telling someone to go see a 'therapist' is not helpful (I generally have a very, very low opinion of 'therapist' anyway)

to me, it is like saying 'I think you're a loony, go and see someone who deals with loonies'

You say that she floods your inbox "almost every day" How many emails are too many? cant you be honest, and stay friends?

you want a tip?
Honesty and dialogue
that's my tip

It was my understanding he was trying to help her and was being overburdened, hence the airplane metaphor. Regardless, if she's overburdening him with her problems to the point at which he's asking help from strangers, he can't be helpful to her or anyone else.

I don't know the people in this situation at all, so my answer is based on the information given. Is the problem simply that she's driving him crazy, or is she at a risk of hurting herself or someone else? If she's indicating that she's suicidal or homicidal, someone with mental health expertise or the police should be alerted. If she's just being a pest, the situation is not as dire.

It sounds like you are dealing with an adult child of alcoholics who has had little or no treatment, and/or may have a personality disorder. They must want to help themselves, and maybe she does, but a boyfriend is not an appropriate treatment center. Neither is it appropriate for her to harrass you.

Email has more options than accept or block. You can type a thoughtful, courteous letter saying goodbye, stating your reasons, but also stating that it is your final response, and that you will set all future emails from her to be forwarded to the authorities in her area, along with her name and address. Advise her that your email is being set so that you will not be notified of or see her emails any longer.

Then do just that, and set your email to respond / forward with that same "notice" (from you) each time.

You may want legal and other mental professional help with writing the response/notice. Remember that she can publish it, illegally dox you, or even show up at your door. You are dealing with a very damaged personality. Compassion, yes, but you also have the right to say, "No."

Whatever you do to terminate the relationship, she will consider you have "hurt" her, and you to be the "bad" guy. At my age, four months would not be considered "a relationship," but a false start. I know "things" felt more intense when I was younger. You have no guilt in her illness, and you can't fix her or this situation to be a "good" guy in her eyes. She never had the opportunity to develop or grow emotionally, but no one can do that for her.

You can include links for "adult child" support (ACA). There are many sites and types of support, but one person, alone, is not sufficient to the need.

-signed, A former adult child.

You may want to take stock to look inward and ask yourself what was it about this person that attracted you to her in the first place? You say you were in a relationship of four months leading up to the breakup which you initiated.

The further you pushed her away, the clingier she became from what you describe.

Good luck getting over the breakup. I would say cut off all contact with her for now. As others have mentioned if she is suicidal call the professionals and report it. It's not your job to be her therapist.

Friendship between exes can be tricky. Sometimes people say they want to be "friends" but they're really not up for the intimacy or involvement to continue to support a former partner. Sometimes people don't want to say they'll probably never talk again (I get it, it's awkward).

In general, I find mo's and former mo's are not very good at open communication. There's a ton of passive aggression and assumptions that go on. Granted, there's a lot of that in general in American culture.

So this is my take. I believe people are generally stronger than you might think. While the truth hurts, I've found it's much better to be honest than lead someone on. It's not your responsibility if your ex doesn't have a lot of friends or who her parents were/are. It's not your responsibility to continue to press her to go to a therapist.

It is your responsibility to be honest and say that you need time to yourself for now, and you can't support her as she needs (if that's true). Be specific. Things like "I'm not comfortable with you calling/emailing every day - but it's okay to email every week or so". OR "I like you, but you seem to be expecting more from this friendship than I'm prepared to give. We need to take some time and space".

Sure, she may get upset and sure, she may blame you. But it's much better to be honest and up front with your boundaries and expectations, than to lead her on to expect some emotional support or intimacy if you're not up for that.

Some mormons or former mormons are worried about being rude - but it's not rude to be up front and honest. It can be a good thing, so everyone can move on.

Remember - you are not responsible for her feelings. You are responsible for yourself and for being honest about where you're at (and for not being a jerk). If after you are honest and up front with her, she continues to push specific boundaries (email each day, show up on your doorstep), then it's okay to block her.

I have found that most people are able to take the hint and hear specific boundaries (particularly if they're reminded that they are crossing boundaries). They may not like it, but they are usually able to hear it and respect it (unless they have serious issues). Most people appreciate the honesty (I do, anyway).

...From your ex. From experience, and a whole lot of it, it's very difficult to move from lovers into friends right after a break-up. If one person is needy and insecure, that compounds it the problem.

It's not a loony suggestion to tell her she needs therapy and it doesn't mean she's loony, either. People need an objective POV to understand their situation if they're going to move past it instead of wallowing in their misery.

Another lifetime ago, I had a relationship with my HS BFF that moved beyond a typical female friendship. After graduation and we were moving onto young adulthood, I started feeling like the only reason she wanted to be around me was for free therapy. (Those familiar with this know how toxic this friendship was for both of us.) She never wanted to have coffee or go see a movie, but simply wanted to unload on me most of the time she decided she wanted to be around me.

It's not your responsibility to fix this person and if you don't have the qualifications and tools, you could end up causing more problems for her. In no uncertain terms, tell her you cannot help her and she needs to speak to a professional.

You are stuck in a very difficult place. It is hard to know what to do when someone you cared/still care about is going through something like this. To me, it sounds like she has an emotional regulation disorder, if not BPD, something similar. Hallmarks are fear of abandonment, impulsiveness, dramatic emotional swings, no boundaries, etc.

I have a few questions that might help.

- Are you a trained counselor?
- Do you want to keep this person in your life?
- If you want to keep this person in your life, how much time can you devote to her?

If you're not a trained counselor, you are probably not really being her counselor, but enabling her boundary crossing and being an emotional crutch for her. People with emotional regulation issues often will look for someone else to "activate" to fix their problems for them as they don't have the emotional tool set to do it themselves. This can be a huge drain on the person that they do this to. Keep in mind they don't do it to be mean, they don't even know they are doing it. They have deep emotional problems and don't know how to solve them so try to get others around them to solve them instead. If you aren't a counselor or someone who's done a lot of research into how to deal with these issues you can actually do more harm than good because you are constantly their on-call emotional tool set, which does neither you nor them any good.

Do you want this person in your life anymore? It's a valid question. You broke up with her for a reason. People who break up sometimes stay friends, sometimes they don't. As harsh as it may sound, she was OK before you were together, so you know she can be OK without you now if that's what you decide. But, I do suggest being honest with her and letting her know that it's not working and that you need to focus on moving forward after this breakup. That way she knows you've set this boundary. If she emails you after that and you don't respond, she'll know why, you won't have just disappeared. Just stick with it. She may not make it easy.

If you do want her in your life, where do you draw the line? Every healthy relationship has boundaries. You have to know where she ends and you begin. You don't have to cut her off entirely if you don't want to, you can say I will set aside x amount of time each day/week/etc to answer her emails, but outside of that, I have to focus on me. Be aware that boundaries are for you. You can not force her to stop sending you emails, texts, etc, but you can control when you read and/or respond. You can even clearly communicate your boundaries to her, and you don't have to give a reason (in fact I suggest you don't). "I see that you're going through a lot right now, I'm sure that's difficult, I need to take care of things for me as well. I can look at your emails at x time each day/week/month." She will probably push against that. So you have to be a broken record for a while and stick to your guns and only promise what you are willing to do. Keep in mind that you can change your mind later too.

Finally, You didn't say if she had done so, but take any threats of self harm seriously. If she's bluffing in an attempt to manipulate you, call her on it by calling the police immediately. If she's serious and you've called the police, then your conscience is clear. So, it's the right thing to do either way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/08/2016 12:07PM by Finally Free!.

Why the agrandizement of cultural meme which idealized or dogmatic expectation that the correct or right or best or higher concept righteously-

Is to cease being a lover physically after an all encompassing physical emotional social joining yet stopping all physical affection maintain established emotonal affection
Without disaffected,

If it is done if there is no more love and physical joining or social emotional union... why carry on at a lesser state? At all

In our cul th Ural morass where tribal rules collapse and myriad tribal mores ebb they ebb and flow like sand moves on a beach after a wave moves on a beautiful home after every wave into a different pattern more beautiful pattern

I hear some people expect the same thing as buying a bag of groceries with sex they'd be upset if the cashier asked for prrsonall connection and would consider any sex partner clingy if they even wanted coffee. But thats just ______ (until named town)
The buzz word in this meme is the word used to describe past former or present sex partners who want coffee or breakfast or relationship as. Clingy

Clingy in this sex then leave and see you again for sex whenever error I fit it in my Xbox so
Tournament plus work schedule is meaning inconvenient.
It's like you are a table and someone might sit you again

Some people are in this cultural meme. Seriously they usually don't live in vegas.because people might get another idea about the situation- either one might determine it could be profitable for them. Anyways whenever I hear the word Clingy around during here it's in connection with a commitment to being single getting the macho on, the term Clingy is also brandished or thrown around during ( or some lover that's overstepped after being invited in for fun in an open marriage. Oh and the ______ name of town. Open marraia g email polyamorous crowd who say proudly I learned to share in kindergarden /stern judgemental look forehead creased arms crossed attempting to Shame one I to being ashamed of being in another cultural response. here cultural settings the word Clingy has a similar meaning to uNorth you, sinful, dis graceful, and the other in the open marriage whom the crowd accused (usually publicly, in front of others like me visiting or break rooms at work) the correct cultural response in open marriage or polyamorous would be oh gosh I'm so sorry / effusive blush shame stammer apology bowing to the group I'll work get right on that ( as if God had spoken other a manager had spoken a decree) immediately make self available to someone else in the group, who, politely, says yes. (Sigh) all good cultural tribal value supported.

Another traditional cultural response is different.

What is the use of the word Clingy to mean here, in this thread? What culture and value or belief system are you employing when you use this term, Clingy? What value systems are represented by other posters in their use of the word Clingy? Are they espousing differing belief systems with exoectations.... clearly the use of the word Clingy is loaded with connotations, lobbed across cultural lines likeep medieval we spoke a across a moat at a castle situated between religions or warring tribes. Except this word, Clingy, has a use in forming behavior conforming to the macho or opened marriage tribal culture in my region of California. It is not used in its other connotations psychological holistically, it is a term used frequently on others it's a strong term a shaming phrase spokennot publicly to control manage and shame the rest ever into compliance and better manners in sexual etiquette among Co workers part of a loosely drawn open marriage crowd in a very conservative almost monoculture grooming their own as seriously as a Mormon bishop


What does the word Clingy mean to you

Sorry need to find settings in new tablet posting from, meaning.

Do your values and cultures differ hence the term Clingy? I guess you intended to find other people but your former is traditional, they may misinterpret you saying that you are OK continuing any relationship. If a tradition couple cuts it off but continues communication sometimes they may reestablish stronger relationship and marry.

In a more nontraditional setting one may continue physicallyrics connecting or emotional friendly communicating sans sex

You have to become clear about this and what values you intended to communicate

Clingy is not just a behavior it's a value ladden wording enacting both something someone has done and the connotation of the word Clingy in this situation may reflect your values contrasted to hers. Different cultures values have different expectations, that's why your word Clingy carries so many connotations.

I would tell her that your relationship is over and that you do not think it is helpful to her that you two still be in touch. Tell her that for that reason you are going to block any further texts from her. Then do it.

I think the kindest thing to do is to make goodbye final this way.

I'd cut down on the communication. Don't reply to her emails. She cannot force answers out of you. If she's needy, she knows she can't push so hard, or she will push you away. I'd gently but firmly let her know that while you still care for her, your relationship with her has changed. You have every right to get on with your life, without her constantly burdening you with her immense problems. She doesn't mean to be awful about it, she's just desperate for help. I think a therapist was excellent advice to suggest. Whether she takes it or is capable of taking it is something she will need to figure out, not you.

If she begins to demand you answer her, I'd warn her that you don't give in to demands and that you will have to cut her off if she continues. If it comes to that, she will be forced to learn some new way to cope. The great thing is, she'd be much less dependent on you. I would only cut her out of your life for good if you explained and reiterated your need for boundaries and respect from her, but she hasn't listened. A person can only get so many chances. Right now would be a good time to tell her you are going to do some soul searching or something else that will be keeping you busy for awhile (to get a break from her). It's a nice way of telling her to brush off and respect your need for space. Don't reply to anything she sends you. See how that goes over and how she is a few weeks later. Maybe she'll be better. If she's not, I think it's ok to cut her out.

On the other hand, if you're already at your breaking point with her, it's also ok to gently cut her out of her life, explaining why, then blocking her. You always have a right to decide who gets kicked out of your life, I just advise that you do it with compassion for someone who is so fragile. Who knows, maybe years later she'll be better and you two can be on good terms because you chose to end it that way. It's your call, depending how much you value her, if you want to gently dismantle the bridge or burn it. If you think the only way to get through to her because she's too intense is to burn the bridge and you want no further contact, then burning the bridge is alright. You have many options for how to handle this. Use your best judgement and do what you think is best.

IMO She is playing you. It is hard to realize sometimes, but as a third party observer, I believe that she, although desperate, is playing you. What you do is your own choice. I do believe that if it were men I would bail!!!

I would send her an email that says that you need to move on and that a continuing friendship will not be possible. Find out the contact information for an Adult Children of Alcoholics group and forward it to her. Wish her well. And then yes, block her.

If it's one thing that I have learned working with at-risk populations, it's that I can't fix everything and everyone who is broken.

Thank you all for the great replies. Thankfully she calmed down a LOT today and I'm hope this improvement continues so I won't have to cut her off completely.

A few responses for people... No I'm not a trained counselor, I have no background in it at all, though I do share some of her issues like depression and anxiety and have gone through some therapy myself. I do believe that being an adult child of alcoholics is a large part of her problems, plus the fact that she still lives with them. It's not a healthy environment at all and I've urged her so many times to get her GED, find a job and move out but I know she won't do it. I agreed to start the relationship because I was in a bad place myself -- very lonely and desperate. Though I realize now that it was a mistake. But I've learned from this experience a LOT so I can apply it to future relationships.

Thankfully she can't "show up on my doorstep" because she lives several states away and doesn't have the means to travel. Though I suppose if she got really desperate there is always a chance, and it does scare me. She HAS talked about self-harm a few times and I have threatened to call her local PD in response, but she always back-pedaled and assured me that she was only trying to get attention.

You being thankful that she calmed down today tells me more about you than you can imagine (at present).

Go to counseling. Run, don't walk. I'm sorry to say this, but you are easily manipulated, and you don't really seem to have a grasp of how this is being done.

Push, pull, push, pull. You need to protect yourself, and like others have said, it is likely not even intentional on her part, but the effect will be just as devastating to your life. You may not know how cheap bus tickets are.

Not cutting her off leaves her in a perpetual state of hope of rescue, and she may well view you as not bold enough to invite her, and, she will find the better choice over the hell of her home to be a $60 bus ride to you.

You need to be firm, and a non-option. She has been trained to be a master at reading people for her own survival, and can morph into whatever mode will best calm YOU down, as she just demonstrated.

Please understand that I'm only being so blunt to try to say, "been there, done that." Young, desperate and stupid is young, desperate and stupid.

If you can't say good-bye in an email, try to imagine doing it as she is a weeping, beautiful mess in your arms.

Save yourself NOW. (Or is that like trying to tell her to get her GED ajd nove out?)

https://www.verywell.com/what-is-learned-helplessness-2795326

It's a cycle that's incredibly difficult to break free.

Were I in your place, I would send her links to this kind of stuff on repeat, especially if it's the same issue she's emotionally regurgitating daily.

It sounds odd, but people can be more comfortable in their misery because at least then they know what to expect. If things change, even for the better, it's frightening because it's unexplored territory.

Nephew found someone on the INTERNET (long distance). Supposedly fell in love. Person did not have a job. No money but decided to move in with Neh=phew. Copped a ride the 400 miles to Nephews house. (He had agreed to this 'sorta'). Now they are together and Nephew wants out of the relationship. Suicide is being threatened by the other now as they have no place to go and no one to turn to. They do not have a drivers license nor do they know how to drive. I'm sitting back and watching the train wreck continue.

Do not think your ex will not attempt to come and move in with you some how - some way. I suggest, as have others that you cease communication with her. Her life, her problems. Don't play the game. If you choose to continue in the relationship (friendship) you are gong to get caught in the avalanche that will surely follow. JMHO

All of this with someone who lives several states away. She won't get a GED, job or take the initiative for herself, and you know she won't make any effort to improve her lot in the future. What is it that you are getting out of relationship/now ?friendship?

I would suggest that you may benefit from further counseling about setting limits, putting your own interests first and learning how to not lose sight of yourself in relationships.

This relationship seems toxic, and it does not seem likely that it will get much better than her being a little more tolerable on occasion. Good luck.

I've been the clingy, needy and emotionally dependent one in a "relationship."

Cut her off with an explanation, closure if you will. Leave it there and never respond again. Be clear on your reasons and boundaries. If you think she would come to you, then be clear that if she does, the police will be called. Sounds harsh, but that's what it will take. Tough love my friend.

If she's threatening self-harm with the intent of attention, rest assured she won't follow through. And if she does, that's on her. Self-harm threats are manipulation and desperation for any form attention. Yep, been there too.

It's a dark, dark hole. But that's not your problem. It's hers. It's hard for me to admit that I've been that girl... but I can tell you that cutting it off is the only way to go. Even without closure, it's better than dragging it out and trying to stick through it. All it does is leave hope and the behavior will continue when she doesn't get what she wants.

I've been the crazy one on more than one occasion, and know what it's like. Time will heal her if she wants better for herself. You cannot carry the both of you.

Good luck.

It's no wonder she has no other friends to turn to. She's an emotional vampire, and people have to cut her off or be consumed.

My view is that you will need to set some clear boundaries and give her some clear instructions. Don't call me anymore. I cannot help you. Get into Al-Anon or some program. Then tell her this is the last time I will talk to you. You need more help than I can give you. Of course, if she threatens to hurt herself, call the correct authorities in her area.
Then tell her you have to move on and block her.
Simple, clear, and blunt.

Sometimes a little validation and a shot of confidence does wonders. Just tell her you know she'll find a way to handle [whatever the problem is] because she's smart and resourceful. The message: You can't help her, but she's got this. She can do it.

Children of alcoholics tend not to trust in their own competence and capability. Many have a tough time "adulting" and dealing with difficult issues alone. A vote of confidence in her self-reliance (even if she doesn't have much) can be a parting gift from you.

Go longer and longer between your replies and just affirm the same idea: she'll find a good way to handle this problem -- and the next. The gentle fade-out is a kindness. Eventually she will either find someone else who can/will help her, or the confidence will take effect and she will resolve the issue on her own.