Even bothers to talk to you and other family members? My TBM nephew who served a mission to Arizona a year or so ago, found his wife(that I've never meet) is getting married next month. I only found out about this last night(that an uncle is unaware of this) in Idaho Fall(odds are the Temple). So I'll have to wait with other "unworthy" family outside.

I hardly know my TBM nephew. I haven't heard anything from him since my TBM mom passed away 3 years ago. He was his mission at the time. He didn't come back for his grandmother's funeral( stupid cult) After his mission he resumed his studies at BYU Idaho to become a doctor.

I don't have any idea of what to do about a gift. I'm on a fixed income. This upcoming wedding has thrown me for a loop. Maybe nothing since he hasn't even contacted me since my TBM mom passed away. I haven't even seen the wedding invite anywhere in the house.

Does anyone have any ideas?? Thanks!

If they have Dunkin Donuts in his state, get him a small, inexpensive gift card for it. Presumably he can use it on donuts, but if any part of him is secretly rebellion, he'll have the chance to use it on coffee instead. ;-)

In general, a gift card to a chain of some kind for whatever small amount you feel like giving is a nicely generic gift and can be slipped into an envelope with a wedding card.

I love this idea because if you can keep a straight face about it, what can he say?

But I see it as a huge slap in the face: "On this, one of the most important days of your eternal life, I want you to have a donut on me!"

I was going to say don't even acknowledge this event, much less attend or send a gift. but I really do like the Dunkin' Donuts gift card.

Although I recently heard that a survey revealed that 20% of the wedding reception guests show up, chow down, get their selfies with the bride and/or groom and then shove off, without leaving a gift.

You barely know your nephew, you've never met his wife, you don't seem to have an invitation, and you have limited funds to give away.

I would skip it. You not being there waiting outside will be the least of your nephews concerns that day.

At the most, I'd send a card wishing them well. If you can afford it, add a gift card or a check that fits your budget.

I'm also in a wedding dilemma but it has nothing to do with Mormonism because my entire family has left the cult. I think some of what you are suffering, not all, is due to the current culture of this generation. They don't really follow the same etiquette of the past. It doesn't even occur to them that they are causing hurt feelings with bad behavior.

I have a nephew who neglected to send a "save the date" announcement to me, his aunt, nor his own grandmother who paid for most of his education. His brother, sister, and all his friends got them. Knowing him he just didn't take the time or trouble to give his bride-to-be our addresses. He's well known to be a little lazy and thoughtless. I was planning a trip out of state and thought I'd better ask his brother if I was going to be invited to the wedding because I had a conflict with the dates. His brother, my other nephew, called his brother and found out that I was going to be invited. Drat! I was hoping I could take the other trip. Now I have to wait and see if he gets his act together enough that I and my mother get wedding invitations. If we don't get our invitations I'm leaving town and sending no gift! I'm sick of his behavior.

From your post it doesn't sound like you are even invited. You were not sent an invitation and you have had no contact with him for three years so blow it off. He's blown you off. If anyone asks if you are going to the wedding be sure to tell them you were not invited. And if he somehow gets an invitation to you at the last minute you can have other conflicting plans that were made before hand. If he does bother to invite you I'd suspect it would only be to get a gift. Gifts for weddings are not mandatory, especially if you cannot attend the actual wedding or reception. If you feel some need to acknowledge the event just send a nice card with your best wishes and congratulations. A family member who won't even take the trouble to introduce you to the fiancé is not worth losing sleep over. Spend that day on a lovely hike in the great outdoors and enjoy yourself. No gift required.

And I guarantee they won't even remember after a few months whether you sent a gift or not. Stop worrying.

I found out about this last night as my TBM father went to one of younger inactive siblings job(to get money he's owed). My inactive sister asked my father about it. It was the first time I heard about it and I'm older.

It's apparent that I'm not that important to him. Yet I've got to help keep care of my TBM father(his grandfather) since my mom passed. I'm also the oldest sibling in Idaho. My oldest TBM brother lives in Washington. I've heard nothing from him in 3-4 years(since my mom passed on).

I feel your pain Anon 2! I'm also taking care of my mother since my father died. ALL my family lives in the same town and not one ever offers to give me a hand helping my mother. I haven't heard from my niece in over a year. She lives on the same street as my mother's retirement home and has stopped coming to visit. Her brother lives just about a mile from his sister on the SAME STREET (even closer to his grandmother) and never comes to visit (he's the one getting married). Other brother lives only two miles from this brother and sister and also never comes to visit his grandmother who paid off all his student debts!!!! My sister has stopped even calling my mother for some reason and my mother gives her monthly checks of money! This sister (my only sibling) has stopped talking to me because I wouldn't share a car with her driving to a friend's funeral. I wouldn't share a ride with her because it was a five hour round trip drive and she screamed at everyone in the car during the last two events we drove to together. NEVER AGAIN. I'm actually pleased they all are missing in action. Mom and I can live our lives in peace.

Your family has treated you abominably. Forget going to their wedding and forget giving a gift. They don't even deserve the time you are giving them thinking about it. You deserve better. Go find some nice people and ask if you can join their family and divorce yours.

+1,000

In my state 5 out of 11 siblings live here. My youngest brother and Mr seem to be taking care of my father(when he's not out working as truck driver). The other 4 siblings seem to be "shyster" and only come around if need money from my father...

It's very frustrating and drives me crazy! This nephew I'm sure my dad helped pay for his college. I know he paid for his mission! Yet he's never seen us during spring break etc....

Gotcha! The annual christmas visits to see my mother from the family were very timely and adorable when my mother could write those lovely Christmas checks to one and all! Now that she cannot hold a pen due to arthritis and needs the money to pay for skilled care the visits ceased. My mother still has her bank give monthly checks to my sister but sis doesn't think it's enough money so she's mad. She talks endlessly about hoping Mom is dying and what she will buy with the money she inherits. Sis has no shame and no filter. Geeesh. How many retired adults still get allowances from their 90 year old mommies and are angry about it????????

I think you and I got a bum deal from the stork. Maybe we were supposed to go to the same family and got dropped down the wrong chimney. Don't get me wrong. My mother is lovely, caring, and generous and I adore her but she gets no respect. Sounds like your dad gets none either.

If you really don't have much money to spend, and are otherwise not even close to said nephew, I don't see why just giving him a nice wedding card to congratulate him and his wife on their upcoming nuptials wouldn't be appropriate.

Even a simple gift is thoughtful if you don't have much to spend.

The gift card is a nice idea. Even without a gift card, a wedding card is fine on its own.

Getting married is not an entitlement to see how many presents a couple can amass. For someone who's on a fixed income, it would be a disservice and an injustice to expect something extravagant or costly.

From a relative wishing them well is the main thing. For that a card will suffice just fine.

If you think you need to do something send a card. Nothing it but your signature. Even if you send a gift odds are great they will never get around to thanking you so save your money.

I can tell you what flies in the non-Mormon world, given that you don't know the bride and groom and are not close to their parents.

If you receive an engagement announcement or wedding announcement, or are just a nice person, you could send a congratulations card around the time of the wedding. A gift is not necessary, of course, but if you want to include one, that's never wrong. As you are on a limited income, perhaps a gift card to a home goods store for whatever amount you are comfortable with.

If you receive an invitation to the wedding, but don't attend, the above still applies, perhaps with a bit more relevance.

If you receive an invitation and do attend, the above also still applies, but you will bring your card/gift with you to the reception or have it sent to the couple around the time of the wedding.

If you receive no notice of the wedding from the bride, groom or their parents, and it remains only "rumor" within your circle of acquaintance, no action is required and no action should be taken. (For good reason. For example, if the engagement is broken off, and you were not in the loop, it could embarrass everyone to have sent something!)

I'm sure others can comment on what flies within Mormon culture, but my personal opinion is that maybe Mormons could benefit from being exposed to non-Mormon etiquette. ?

It doesn't sound like you're invited, so at the very least, you can send a wedding card with your best wishes inside. If you send a gift card or check that fits your budget, you'll never get a thank you note, so I would just save your money and only send the card.

Send a card. Even if he gets it together to "invite" you.

To be honest, it is more than he deserves.

"My TBM nephew ...found his wife ... is getting married next month."

I'm a tidge confused.

Will her new last name be Smith of Jeffs?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/08/2016 02:27PM by tenaciousd.

I'm in the same boat as you. I hardly know my nieces and nephews because of distance created by the Mormon church as well as geographical. I never felt any need to send a gift at all and I didn't.

I didn't bother to even send a card. If I happen to see them at a family reunion years later, they are friendly and I doubt they even thought twice about any of the wedding stuff.

If they have an issue with not receiving a gift from you then those are the ones you do not want to know. I can't stand when gifts are expected. No gift should ever be expected. No gift should be a duty.

I actually mostly give gifts now out of the blue when there is no occasion. It is surprising how much more it means.

I think a $20 Starbucks gift card would be appropriate.
The amount reflects the amount of effort they've put into maintaining a relationship with you.
And what it's for reflects the fact that you find their superstitions rather silly.

IMHO, it's perfect :)

I would send toilet paper. Get one of the big packages.
Not only is it functional, and quite helpful when starting a new life. It is a symbol of the crap that you have to put up with.

You win!! Absolute best answer.

My niece is from a well to do family. The had a full on mormon wedding/reception.

I saw the gifts she got from people who have know her for her whole life. The majority of it was junk from the clearance tables at Walmart. The question becomes what to do with all that junk. Especially if they have to go back to school and have no way to transport, or store it. I'm not sure, but I think a good portion of it got donated to DI.

Don't waste your money, or your effort. Send a card and be done with it.

I give gift cards Kroger or Walmart something like that for like $10 or $20 for people that I am not super close. The Bishop gave me a Hymn book as a wedding gift a cousin gave me a one year subscription for the ensign/liahona. I got a temple picture of the temple were I got married. Another cousin gave my a statue of Jesus. Even as a TBM I wished they would have given me different gifts less church oriented and more practical like pots and pans or cups something like that. Now a Dave Ramsey book about budgeting since one of the top reasons for divorce is finances. I love my rice cooker I brought it for less than $20 and the rice tastes great.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/159027016/fhe-family-home-evening-board

I'd suggest slippers and a dildo

if they don't like either they can go F&^k themselves

Seriously..The TP idea is good though

Give them a pre-paid debit card for $25 in a nice card. Would that work and be sufficient?

I'd send a card, or, if invited, one of the cheaper gifts listed on the registry. You don't need to break the bank for someone you hardly know. Besides, it's the thought that you are wishing them well on their wedding that truly matters. Anyone should be thankful for warm wishes towards their wedding.

Don't go....don't give a gift.

If you have not, in fact, been invited then send a congratulatory card. If you have been invited, go to T.J. Maxx, Marshall's or Home Goods and pick out an inexpensive silver picture frame, and put a nice family photo in it. Or select crystal candlestick holders or a crystal bowl. There is no need to spend much money at all.

Odds are they're going to have another reception in California(where his TBM parents lives, my TBM brother and my SIL).

Just a card. Go to Dollar Tree - will only cost you a buck.

Condoms

Why should you even feel that you should get this couple a gift?

You just heard about the wedding?

They didn't invite you?

You haven't seen him in 3 years, and probably just in passing?

If you absolutely feel you have to do something, send a card, or a card and a minimal gift card. Perhaps a gift card to Starbucks?

One of my nieces is apparently getting married. Being on a limited income prevents me from even considering a gift.

But I did not receive an invitation, only heard about the wedding through the grapevine. So I don't think it makes sense for me to send something because had this niece wanted me to know about the wedding, you'd think I would have received at least a notice from her.

Had I received a basic notice or invitation, then I would have naturally sent a card and/or small gift.

If I wasn't invited, I wouldn't worry about sending them anything.

It sounds like there is enough back story where this side of the family has shown you they don't care.

My suggestion is take the money you may have spent, and treat yourself to something you would enjoy.

Since moving to Utah, and getting invitations to a reception but not a wedding because we are not worthy, I've gotten quite callous about it all. If I feel it's nothing but a gift grab from people I really do not know, I do nothing. Except for when it comes to my husbands extended family, I ask him what he would like to do and we send a gift even tho I don't know the people and they have no interest in being involved in our lives.

For the stuck up TBM neighbors who have always looked down their nose at me, yet invitation with gift registry information is sent, I do nothing.

I might get a card. There's several blu rays and 4K I've been eyeing. I think my younger sister wants to carpool. I looked Idaho falls is only 2 hours away.

Just send them a used copy of the "Miracle of Forgiveness." Let them wonder what YOU know about them. The Boner.

One of the sweetest wedding gifts I got when I was married came from a woman I used to go to poetry club with once a month in Idaho Falls. She was elderly, and didn't have much. Poor as she was, she sent me a little soft cover cookbook, with a wedding card.

That meant more to me than some of the other presents I received because I knew she gave it to me with great love.

It isn't how much you spend IMO. It's the thoughtfulness you give whatever it is you give with, people remember the most.