LDS Church Calls Maintenance Motivator Missionaries

Salt Lake City (DUH Press Int'l)

LDS Church leaders announced today a new program of calling older couples as full-time "Maintenance Motivator Missionaries," whose assignment will be to oversee cleaning and repair of local buildings.

Church spokesman Scoot Trooter explained that the church's new emphasis on local care of facilities represented an opportunity for church members to feel "invested" in the church. "As people become more involved in caring for their local meetinghouses, they come to feel more connected and find a certain pride of ownership. It's no longer someone else's building, but it's theirs. There's something really gratifying in saying, 'That's my urinal, and by golly I'm going to make it shine!'"

To ease the transition to complete local control, missionary couples are now being called as special "motivators." Trooter explained: "Local members are often confused or uncertain about their responsibilities, and we regularly hear that attendance at Saturday cleanups is less than optimal. Clearly, more members need to get 'the vision' of what we're trying to do. That's where the motivators come in."

Older couples will be called and then receive a two-week training course in maintenance motivation. "Older people make great motivators," said Trooter. "They automatically carry the authority and wisdom of their years, and our training program will help them become even more effective."

Naturally, Trooter admitted, certain types of people are more suited to organizing and motivating others. "We're looking for people with experience changing opinions and behaviors, such as high-pressure salespeople, military drill instructors, and parents skilled in using guilt trips on teenagers.

The pilot program in the Daybreak community of Draper, Utah, has been a resounding success.

"I don't know about anyone else, but it was difficult to say no to our motivators," said local elder Rob Winters. "Some of those people scared me."

Motivator Eugene Stevenson said that his training had really paid off. "We were taught to find out what people feared and then use that to encourage them to participate in the cleaning. Worked like a charm.

Stevenson outlined some of the training methods: "We had to memorize quotes from films such as Full Metal Jacket; my favorite was 'I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump!'" Motivators, he said, were authorized to give slackers extra work to encourage more cooperation the next time they cleaned: "Yeah, they gave us some little toothbrushes, and we made the lazy ones scrub the floors and the commodes with them. It took hours, but they sure didn't cause problems the next week."

Stevenson's wife, LuDene, said she preferred guilt trips: "They're much more effective with the sisters. If you can just get them to feel like they're disappointing Jesus and the prophet if they don't get the baseboards done, you can get them to do just about anything."

Church leaders expressed pride and satisfaction in the success of the program. "We are gratified that members have taken this responsibility to heart," said President Thomas S. Monson in a written statement. "There is nothing more noble than selfless, willing service, but then the next best thing is obedience. The motivators are helping us achieve both of these goals."

Trooter anticipated that church members will see the wisdom in this inspired program and give thanks to God for the opportunity to serve. As she wiped down a diaper-changing table in her ward's meetinghouse, Melanie Compton sighed and said, "Well, I don't know about being grateful, but I'm getting the work done. It beats another late-night phone call from Sister Stevenson. She's kind of mean." Compton added, "You aren't recording this, are you?"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2010 01:20AM by Susan I/S.

'That's my urinal, and by golly I'm going to make it shine!'

A more perfect metaphor for Morg membership could never be articulated.

You know I like you, why don't you come over and f my wife/

OMG! Do you know that a couple of weeks ago, as we were visiting our children in Utah. We were enjoying the company of our grand children when their TBM mom came by to grab them to clean the fricken chapel! Does this qualify for child labor and therefore abuse of children? They ranged from 14 down to 7!

...forgot to add that the family in question is from Daybreak! They must have a mean bishop Mustard there!

Haha...good one Bob Loblaw.

Oh, for heaven's sake. There's no link because it's a joke. What's scary is that even something so ridiculous doesn't sound like too much for the church to do.

And I'm guessing the mall will be staffed with retail missionaries right?

And the ghost towers that no one wants will be occupied by occupancy missionaries so that potential buyers aren't scared off by the mass vacancy.

Bottom line. The church is to cheap to pay someone to scrub dried sh** of the toilet bowl like I was dumb enough to do while "helping to clean the ward". My son was totally grossed out, on my hands and knees, cleaning the damn floors. What a fool! Let the scam artists hire someone instead of "calling" old farts who will guilt trip younger members too stupid to say "NO Way in Hell"!!!

I was thinking from the "our urinals" quote that it must be satire--then no, it's real, but the church is so ridiculous that it seems like satire. Then of course the thing everyone's unconscious mind is saying (in connection to real church callings) although it would never be verbalized:

"I don't know about anyone else, but it was difficult to say no to our motivators," said local elder Rob Winters. "Some of those people scared me."

Motivator Eugene Stevenson said that his training had really paid off. "We were taught to find out what people feared and then use that to encourage them to participate in the cleaning. Worked like a charm.


(I so hope I hear of some relative getting a janitorial calling someday--if those ever develop; I will have to ask for your permission to share this with her/him at that point.)