My brother-in-law and sis-in law live near us, so we tend to do the whole inviting each other kids to our kids birthday parties. We have 2 kids (Boy, 8 and Girl, 6) They have 4 kids (Girl 9, Girl 7, Boy 3, and girl 1). We have ALWAYS invited their whole family to our kids parties. And vice versa... Then a few years ago, their oldest girl decided she just wanted a 'friends' party, but also wanted to invite our oldest boy, but not our daughter. She would be very crushed if she found out so we had to be very secretive about it. Then a couple weeks ago we ran into them in a parking lot. The girl that just turned 7 shouted, 'I'm inviting you to my birthday party'. Then just earlier this week I get a text with a picture of the invitation. She said that she had been trying to get it to me for the past 2 weeks, but every attempt she failed. Anyway, I do hate getting last minute invites (especially half-assed ones like this), but back to the story...she explained that she had left it with our mother-in-law, but it got lost. Then she couldn't find an envelope big enough to mail it. So she apologized for the text, but said she would get one to me before the party...it never arrived BTW. SO, now it's the day of the party, and since our entire family for the past 6 yrs have always been invited to their 2nd daughter's party, stupid me just assumed we were still all invited. BUT, when we got to the door the birthday girl answered and she had a very confused look on her face, and said right to my son's face. I didn't invite "L". I handed the gift to my daughter, and took my son back to the car. My son was very hurt, and we were both near tears. My husband stayed with our girl, and we left. I got a text from my sis-in-law saying that her daughter was talking to the neighbors boy. I said, NO, she said 'L's name. Then she said she was sorry, and that her daughter didn't know that she invited him. But, then she tells me he can come, and let me know if you want to come back, and I can get stuff ready for him....SO, now I am thinking if she was expecting him, why wouldn't that already be ready like all the others?? So then I called my mother-in-law and asked her about the invite. She said she never saw it, but thought it was just for our daughter. Anyway, I just needed to vent because we already have a bad relationship due to other reasons, but now we have this awkwardness...Plus we have plans to meet them and our other extended family for a family vacation, and I REALLY am NOT looking forward to it at all. Complete dread!! Thanks for letting me vent.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2016 06:54PM by bewildered.

I think what I would have done is when the girl said, "I didn't invite L.," I would have asked her to get her mom. Then I would have laughed it off and said, "I'm sorry, there must have been some confusion over the invitations." The mom at that point would have invited both kids inside and daughter would have had to deal. Lesson learned for both of them to invite with more clarity next time.

Although I get the concept of the daughter wanting a "friends only" party, it seems to me that an exception should have been made for her cousins.

Yes, an exception should have been made for her cousins.

These particular cousins may be into "game playing"--I saw it a lot when my daughter was young. Invitations would be passed out in front of other kids who were not invited. The birthday girl would whisper something like "I can only invite X kids because we are going to go skating, and so and so is my best friend."

Thankfully my daughter was not the butt of this kind of action very often, and when she was, we talked about what might be the motivations of someone acting like that. We would talk about how we want to be kind and considerate of people's feelings.

She learned how to protect herself from kids like that. And you need to protect your kids from your sister-in-law, because she either doesn't understand about kids' feelings, or more likely, she doesn't care!

When she first pulled the 'don't tell your son about the party' crap, you should probably have said something like, "We don't keep secrets or lie to each other in our family." If it was only girl friends, it might be understandable that he not be invited. If it was friends (girls and boys), it is not!

Watch out for this woman. She has all the earmarks of a drama queen and manipulator. Protect your family!

The first time it was her oldest daughter who invited my son, and excluded our girl. It was my decision not to tell our daughter because she would be very hurt that she wasn't invited. I really should have told her that since both were not invited, that he would not be going...Honestly, when it comes to cousins/family you should either invite both kids, or none at all. I just think it's too hurtful to exclude one kid!! For the party that was for today she did not tell me that it was just our daughter that was invited. I assumed it was for our whole family because that is how it has been for the last 6 yrs. Also, I was way too upset for my son's feelings to laugh it off. He was in tears...And who really wants to be at a party knowing you were not invited?!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2016 05:24PM by bewildered.

>> Also, I was way too upset for my son's feelings to laugh it off. He was in tears...And who really wants to be at a party knowing you were not invited?!

I do understand. In that case, I think that leaving together as a family unit would be a perfectly acceptable option.

And perhaps a chat with the SIL is in order -- "My children are deeply hurt when close family members don't invite both of them. So in the future, please invite both or none."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2016 06:15PM by summer.

Responsible parents don't let the children define the family's manners.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but our tradition is that birthdays for those not yet thirteen are a family celebration. You can be more selfish about it when you're older. We won't be excluding anyone this year, and I expect all of our guests to be treated kindly and fairly. Life is a two-way street."

Both of my children, and the gift, would have had a VERY fun day, elsewhere. Return the gift, that money towards the day.

I would send them a copy of Emily Post and neither attend nor invite them to any events until they can demonstrate a basic understanding of common courtesy. Their behavior is extremely rude, and there is no reason to let them continue to hurt your children's feelings. This is on the parents. A seven-year-old girl may have favorites, but it's up to her parents to teacher her manners.

I agree



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2016 06:48PM by bewildered.

I have to ask - do you have to share your vacation time with these people? Could you beg off and enjoy a real vacation (relaxing) with only your immediate family (mom, dad, kids)?

Ask DH what he thinks - he may go for it, needing a break, too. He may agree to please you. He may even see the wisdom in bonding tome with only his wife and children.

We would both absolutely love to get out of the vacation, however the plan was to share a beach house, and we feel if we didn't go after agreeing that we would, we would have to pay our share of the cost, which could be $1,000 or more :(



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2016 06:50PM by bewildered.

It might be worth it to eat any deposit you would owe; it might even be worth it to pay the 1000, and take a closer vacation or even stay-cation - take day trips, have fun with the family, a closer beach. At least it's a week you know you would be left alone.

It would also be *fun/snarky to mention, next time you saw them, "Best $1000 we ever spent! Thoroughly enjoyed our time alone."

I hope whatever you decide goes well for you.

Feel free to vent :)

Thank you it helps!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/12/2016 05:35PM by bewildered.

Thanks for all the nice comments...It helps to know that others agree that it isn't right to exclude a sibling when it comes to inviting cousins to parties. One of the things that irks me the most, is SIL is telling everyone that her daughter was talking to the neighbor boy, so she and her daughter are off the hook, and I look like a crazy person that overreacted. The thing is her daughter clearly looked at our whole family, and said 'L's name. Also the neighbor kid she claims she was talking to was at the party. A lot of your descriptions of my SIL were spot on too! I'm glad my son is so resilient and forgiving. It really sucks to see your kids feelings hurt like that! Esp. from family.

And the drama continues...oddly enough my SIL told our MIL that her daughter that was rude to our son ended up crying through her party. I asked my hubby and daughter if this was true and they said no. The only thing I can think of is she wanted to make her daughter sympathetic to the situation. They both still insist that she was talking to a different boy. Anyway the reason this drama continues is because she has unfriended me on Facebook for the second time. I mentioned it to my husband, and then he tells me he knows why.... His brother sent him an email saying that me and my kids gave them the cold shoulder. we saw each other at the movies today and claims her kids said hi to us twice, and we gave them the cold shoulder. From my viewpoint only one of her kids gave a half a hi, and looked away. My daughter said hi, think my son was being shy and awkward because of what happened... Really can't blame him. He has social anxiety like myself. She wasn't really around when it happened, so she really can't make the claim IMO. He was asking how we could smooth things out. Well for one, maybe don't unfriend your SIL?! Ugh the trip is later this month, and I'm having major dread and anxiety over it :(



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/07/2016 03:30AM by bewildered.

Some people seek drama at every opportunity. She sounds like one of those people. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.

I do think you are right on about her seeking drama...I am the opposite, I hate it and want to avoid it!

This is known as gaslighting. I finished this article earlier tonight and you should read it to see if anything feels familiar:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Your niece obviously doesn't have very good manners, but why should she? She has been taught by a mother who lacks manners as well.

I'm sorry you have to share a vacation with these people.

Get used to it!

You can't control the behavior of others, and there will always be rude people flapping around like magpies, making noise and upsetting the other birds.

So, live with it, by establishing your own boundaries.
"We don't lie to each other" is a good rule to start with. "We are careful not to hurt others' feelings." "We communicate clearly, and make sure others understand what we are saying." etc.

You can soften the blow for the uninvited child by doing something special for him, as one poster suggested. There are a lot of things more fun than a girls' birthday party.

One boundary I always made with Mormons is to be very sure exactly who was invited. I wanted to hear the names! Several times, my children were told about a party, but were not specifically invited, and by making doubly sure, I avoided embarrassment. Often the parents themselves didn't know about these parties! We just took off skiing, or something, instead, and used the gift money for ice cream or a movie.

One "frenemy" (That's a word that didn't exist when I was a kid) called my 9-year-old girl, and pretended she was the birthday girl, and invited her to the overnight party that night. My daughter was so excited! But, I thought it was very short notice, and was hesitant about an overnight with someone we didn't know, so I called the parent of the birthday girl, and discovered it had been a prank call. It would have been worse if my daughter had shown up on their doorstep with a gift and her sleeping bag. We invited a better friend to spend the next night, then went to the grocery store to buy treats, and came home and built a fort for the sleepover.

If you live long enough, that sort of rude behavior comes back to bite them! My daughter was always nice, and after she got used to the new school and neighborhood, ended up with more friends than the "frenemy". Hurting others is not a good way to make friends.

Your son has learned, on his own, not to get too close to that one cousin. You can help by telling him to treat everyone kindly, and pointing out that most other people are not rude.

Oh, yeah, they learn it from their parents!

I'll be the voice of dissention. This certainly was handled horribly and the little girl and her family were rude.

However I think that inviting one cousin and not the other is OK. Her party, she can decide who is coming. When I was growing up, my sister was invited to some events for my cousins that I was not. My parents were very matter of fact about it and I was fine with it.

My personal rule is to never, ever go on vacation with extended family. Ick.

Telling one kid to keep a secret from a sibling about an invitation doesn't make for a well functioning honest family environment. Were I that child, I would have lost trust in the parents' word and I'd think the parents didn't trust me to own up to reality.

id be glad to have been unfriended on Facebook. One less way to be disconnected from them.

I can see where you feel you're obligated to the shared vacation home, but I sure would not plan on doing a lot of things together while there, and that would be the last time I'd plan to share something like this together.

A kids party should not have to be so complicated. From now on I would probably always have other plans that do not cause so much angst.

An elders quorum president once remarked, "When you have 6 kids you are never invited anywhere."

You must remember that your LDS relatives had probably invited several children from other LDS families to the party. If any of these families were clueless, they could have assumed that when one of their children is invited to a birthday party that all 4, 6 or 8 of their children were also invited.

A single child per family policy might have been necessary.

I recommend using the first day of the vacation to sit everyone down in one room and clear the air. Set ground rules about how things are going to go on that vacation. If you must, then let's go over all these mini-dramas while everyone is together so we can clear up misunderstandings and apologize for hurt feelings. Now that you've set some ground rules and hopefully cleared up the past hurts, then everyone can move forward together with a clear path and a clear conscience.

Barring that, "sell" your share in the vacation rental to someone else and send them instead.