So I am new to this website. I have been on this path for years, but haven't reached out for support or help. Here I go.

In short, I was raised very active (served a mission, married in the temple, etc.) and after a year of marriage I ran into questions that I have never been able to resolve. After a few years my wife, whome I loved so much, left me (9 months ago) and I don't know what to do. I am tempted to walk back to faith and mormonism mostly because it gave me stability and a greater sense of life. I have lost so much leaving the church and I just don't know what to do. I honestly have so much to say but I don't know where to start and am looking more for support than to put my whole story online. What do I do?

I'm sorry that you're in pain, but you will find many, many people who will empathize and share their stories. Hopefully you'll find some comfort from people who are where your are, were just where you are, and have made it to the other end from where you are.

It will get better.

Welcome, agentscarn15! We are glad to have you. Some board members are able to keep up church activity to one degree or another (usually for family reasons,) and others find that once the genie is out of the bottle, there is no stuffing him back in. For most, it is initially a rough landing, but does get better.

There are exmo groups that get together on a regular basis. If you let us know your location, board members might be able to suggest a group.

First of all, agentscarn15...Welcome!!

We are very glad you found us!

You are embarking on a journey which contains many interesting adventures ahead...but what form, exactly, those adventures take is up to you, since it usually is not a straight road for anyone.

One of the immediate problems you face is that you may not have any real idea of the alternative choices which are possible for you, since Mormonism is such a closed culture.

So...you start out taking a first step, and you see how that works out and how it feels to you...

...and then---based on what you've just learned about your "new" self---you take another step...and then another...

Sooner than you think possible, you will find yourself with a new life.

You may have some practical ideas of things you would like to experience...or you may have no idea at all right at this moment.

Whatever your first steps might be, there are likely people here who will be able to give you support and advice, once they realize that you are interested in something they have probably experienced or know about.

This is a highly eclectic community (with a number of Nevermos, too). For example (and taking religion as an easy example): we have people here who, after leaving Mormonism, now identify with, or have affiliated with, most of the major philosophies and/or religions (and not just Christian ones)...and we have many atheists and agnostics...and many people who are very much interested in the "place" where science and philosophy meet.

Our members have many different interests...many different lifestyles...and are global...

...lots of North Americans, of course, and also many members who live around the world (or who have maintained great interest in the countries they served in as missionaries).

There are exmo meet-ups (many of them monthly), and a wonderful Exmormon Conference every year that is live-streamed on the Internet.

Welcome to RfM!!!

:) :) :)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2016 01:59AM by Tevai.

I really would like to go to those meet ups. I truly love so much about the LDS church and have no reason or intentions to hate on it. I think it is an amazing organization that does so much good, but still has flaws and is just, in all reality, not "true." So if there are respectful groups that meet, I would love it. I had to give up my pHd program because my wife left and I couldn't cope and now live in Provo; not my ideal situation. Just let me know when people met up and I will be there!

Yes, you can find one or more groups in Provo. As for "respectful," your mileage may vary. Many new exmos feel anger that they've been lied to for many years about church history. Is that something that you could relate to?

Welcome! You're having a rough time right now. You should find support here as well as in meet-ups.

You made a comment I'd like to ask about:

"it is an amazing organization that does so much good"

Really? Could you give me some examples? I'd really like to know.

ragnar Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Welcome! You're having a rough time right now.
> You should find support here as well as in
> meet-ups.
>
> You made a comment I'd like to ask about:
>
> "it is an amazing organization that does so much
> good"
>
> Really? Could you give me some examples? I'd
> really like to know.


My question, as well. Best of luck to you in your new 'journey':)

The DPRK is an amazing organization that does much good. Kim Jong Un is such a great leader, I'm sure there must be some redeeming qualities to his regime.

Be glad your bogus childhood conditioning crumbled without you having to pick at it much. You now have a clean slate on which to build a real life.

I was like you once: Maybe I can fix this. As you hang out here, you'll come to see the poisonous and vile nature of Mormonism.

I am in Provo as well. Admin, I'd be interested in a meetup. :)

First time poster missing Mormonism?

You are not lost. You are found..found by generous people-some of which have been through what you have. Some of us old folks have experiences and hindsight to share although not always similar circumstances. Given you are still technically a member- like myself- I would like to make some recommendations:
1. Your wife left. Assume it was church issues. You didn't mention children but in either case you need legal advice.
2. If she left she told her family and possibly yours her reason(s). In addition to her rejection of you there may be others next in line. Read the biography board stories. I have read EVERY single one. So many inspiring words and steps taken out of similar events as yours.
3. Did you leave Phd program in good academic standing or $$ dollars lost for support when wife left? Gather yourself academically and if there is a trusted advisor seek counsel. Other institutions are out there. With some use of good connections another program awaits you. This has some relative importance and immediacy in action is needed.
4. What to do with church? Take a step back from it. Look at a global perspective and really ask a tough question- If something so important to the salvation of mankind was lost for some 2000 years would it have been restored in such a chaotic manner by use of a restoration document completely unsupported historically and scientifically and be promoted for years by deception? Would God as you have come to know him actually have chosen such a path? I have come to the conclusion after 70 years of existence that such is not the case.

Keep reading on this site. You will not regret it. Painful days yet ahead our new friend... Better days still yet and for sure to come. Blessings

Gatorman

I can relate. I lost my wife at the same time I exited Mormonism.

It was certainly rough emotionally for a while. I even tried to go back t church for a while, to try and stuff the genie back in the bottle.

I just couldn't do it. My mind wouldn't allow me to overlook all the falsehoods. Like you the ultimate issue with the church is - it is NOT true. So why bother? It just becomes a community of like-minded people. It isn't anything more than that.

I can find other communities that don't tell me what underwear I need to wear, or demand 10% of my income, or suck up every free hour I have with church busy work.

All I can tell you is that i gets better outside the church, even after a divorce. As I look back, I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is just much better once the pain has subsided. It may not feel like it now, but it really does get better.

Mormons might feel grounded but it's *they* who are lost because they base their security on a pipe dream.

Take some deep breaths and go on, step by step, day by day. It takes time to learn to find your own way after being told who you are and what you need to do for years. Your freedom is hard won but I think you'll see that the trauma is worth it. When you come into your own, you'll look back at the mormon church as a box that kept you captive.

There's no need to hurry or cut corners as you depart on your journey to freedom. Take it easy and take time to enjoy whatever non-mormon pleasures you've always liked. Do you enjoy nature and hiking? Good music? Fresh air and exercise? Good books? Cooking? Gardening? Art? Bird watching? Without mormon commitments, you'll have more time and energy to pursue these or other interests and this will likely help you get in touch with your authentic inner person which is something mormonism tends to marginalize.

We've all been where you are and have come out of it as better, happier campers. We did it. You can too!

It is traumatic to have the reality that you grew up with ripped away. Expect to go through a series of stages very similar to grieving. Denial, anger, and so forth. Your wife is likely farther along this journey than you are. For me it has now been over two years and I. Only recently have I been able to step into a church building and just feel pretty ambivalent about it all. Frankly, now what I feel is mainly empathy for so many basically decent people who continue to be harmed by TSCC - they are being denied living the full measure of their lives and it is quite sad.

Since you have arrived here you are already at a point were "what has been seen cannot be unseen." You are already gone even though you may not fully realize it yet.Since your wife is out start working things through together.

Sorry for your losses, including your wife and your faith. That is not only life changing, but heart wrenching.

Losing Mormonism is a difficult transition all by itself. You're going from your comfort zone, and a known identity to the great unknown, and basically a "free-for-all" buffet where you wind up.

Be selective, and don't fall for every hook, line, and sinker you encounter. There's a reason why Mormonism works so well for its believing flock. It teaches some sound principles to live our lives by.

All the rest is peripheral, and unnecessary. Keep what works for you and say bye bye to what doesn't. My dad was an inactive in his later years, and used to tell me there were parts of Mormonism he accepted and believed, and parts he didn't. He was able to reconcile his beliefs with that of his upbringing without throwing them all away, while keeping his boundaries intact of what he didn't need or want from the religion.

Being divorced is harder at first, but your heart *will* mend. You may not be ready for an emotionally healthy relationship with a significant other right now, but one day you will be. Give yourself time to heal, and grow. Finding your balance should be your focus right now, your "center of gravity," that will help you stay centered during the storms of life.

The church has been your anchor and rock up to now. Leaving Mormonism forces us to find our inner strength, and develop inner reservoirs we may not have needed before. But you do now.

You'll get through this. Relationships may come and go. As people go through changes in life, so can oftentimes relationships. We weren't taught as Mormons to believe in ourselves without the church being our crutch and life support. This isn't a time to change religion for drugs or alcohol IMO. That would set you on a path to self-destruction. It is a time to study, ponder, and decide for yourself where you want to be today, in five years, and so on. Like someone else mentioned here, think "baby steps." Be patient with yourself. You're learning to love yourself all over again, absent a cult that did your thinking for you.

Mormonism may "look" supportive and caring but it is an illusion. If you have been away for awhile you may not have noticed the increased emphasis on obedience. Yes, Mormonism is highly structured. Yes, Mormonism is highly organized. One may go so far as to say micromanaged. This may be comforting to you. When a person is at loose ends in their life it is very easy to let others do the thinking, organizing, and structuring of your life. Mormonism is GREAT in that regard. But once you regain your sense of self you will feel trapped and suffocated realizing you are being manipulated and used. Beware!

Where else can you go? Ex-Mormon groups sound like a really good fit for you. But there are some other support options. Check your community for organizations that are outside the Mormon power domain. Even some other churches will welcome non-believers who have support needs without pressuring them to join their faith. Mormonism may be your first choice because it is familiar and known but I doubt it is your BEST choice.

Take heart. Life gets better once you find a safe and supportive place to get back on your feet and get your life back on track. Recovery from Mormonism feels your pain and is a great place to start.

Same thing happened to me many years ago: temple marriage, three kids, then I realized (after three years of trying to prove that it's true) that the church was not what it claimed to be. Wife divorced me, took the kids.

It took me about three years to adjust and start to live again. I had some psychotherapy for a year that helped a great deal. I found other romantic relationships that were helpful, and ultimately got married again to a wonderful woman (a lapsed Catholic). We have raised a family of non-Mormons and have been married 51 years.

Life has been beautiful.

The moral of the story: You will not always be lost, if you seek your true self.

Give yourself time, and don't be impatient.

"After a few years my wife, whome I loved so much, left me (9 months ago) and I don't know what to do. I am tempted to walk back to faith and mormonism… I have lost so much leaving the church and I just don't know what to do."

All right, you're separated/divorced because of your so-called "faith crisis" (which is in reality the church's "truth crisis"), and you're thinking of returning to the church… to get her back perhaps? That may be understandable on its face, but you'll be trying to reclaim someone who has conspicuously demonstrated that she loves the church far more than she can and will ever love you.

In addition, because you have already left the church once, she will never really trust you again; and because you will have essentially come crawling back, she won't ever truly respect you, if she ever did.

And even if she does agree to take you back, she'll know that walking out is the magic solution to any future dispute. Don't want to attend? "Do it anyway or I'll leave." Wear a blue shirt to church, or skip tithing settlement, or turn on "Game of Thrones," or even protest her purchase of an expensive toy? She's got the all-purpose answer: threaten and blackmail. Hell on earth. You'll subsist on a steady diet of self-loathing, and end up a beaten shell of what used to be a man.

You may "walk back to Mormonism," but you can't "walk back to faith." Do you imagine you can convince yourself to believe once again in the Book of Abraham? It will only be an act, one that will grow ever more difficult with the passage of time.

You've lost a lot because the church is a cult. Only malicious cults do this to its adherents. Benign organizations don't. Returning to a cult will not make your life better.


"I truly love so much about the LDS church and have no reason or intentions to hate on it. I think it is an amazing organization that does so much good"

The church's doctrines and influence tore your wife from you, and you have no reason to "hate on it"? Make no mistake, that's what did it.

Continue reading on this site, and learn about the incalculable damage the church has caused so many others; how many lives it has destroyed, and continues to ruin. It's not "an amazing organization" at all. What's "amazing" is the hold it has on people, and the effectiveness of its indoctrination.

You may be lost but now you're found. You found the truth about Mormonism. Regardless of your motive ulterior or just reaching to try out complete disbelief, you've taken a step that makes you either an apologist or a Mormon lost in the mists of truth. The fruit of Lehi's tree doesn't taste so good anymore.

I hope you find a good path be it back to a great and spacious building (COB) or out where the wild things are.

I am just leaving the 'faith' also. It is bizarre how my mind has to qualify 'is this a mormon belief (brain wash) or can I keep this idea?' There are all types on this board, some which have vehement hostility toward the Church. I hold that mostly for the charlatan JS, Brigham Young, early prophets and their accomplices. I don't hold so much animosity for the current crop, or my LDS neighbors. I think I should have some empathy there, as I was in the same boat months ago. I am trying to filter and figure out who I am. In light of my marriage, and my Wife's adamant belief in a system which provides it's self-prescribed way to 'truth' - I don't seem to be making much headway. It is already taking a toll on my marriage, but I cannot go back against what I know. The genie is out of the bottle as they say. Nothing will ever be the same.

If you are young and starting over, I am not sure Provo is the best place for you. Start meeting like-minded groups...I'm not in this boat, but I assume there are FB groups, dating sites, Tinder or whatever if you are divorced or on your way. If you don't have kids, then you should be very grateful you have made this discovery this early in life. I know it is cliche, but a whole new life is in front of you. Love, community, family or whatever belief system you land on. Don't settle.

The only advice I have is to change how you look at your life. Instead of focusing on loss, focus on what you now have open to you: a whole new life of your own making, based on your own thinking. Add: confidence, and a sense of well being and you'll forge the kind of life you want for yourself.
Stuff happens. It's OK to change your mind and move on.

Ease out of the past mess, and ease into a new future. Learn to live in the present and go from there.

This is an opportunity for you to be in the drivers seat, chart your own course, live where you want where you can find work that is right for you.

Mormonism is what you knew. Now it's OK to learn new things. You can give yourself permission to build and create your own World View without any regrets.

There is much more to be found and gained outside of mormonism than you'll ever find by returning to it.

Good living is the best revenge (not implying you are out for any type of revenge) and good living will bring you happiness.

Have the wisdom that this will pass, have the diligence to WORK through it, and have the patience to let it work out.

I do feel your pain.

My wife left me, too. In tscc, love is not the primary glue in marriage. Marriage for most is based on a checklist of qualifications to create an image for other members to admire. You changed your role in order to be true to yourself. The role is what mattered to her. Image and dogma trump love. Sad, but true. The hardest thing to admit is tscc is loved more than you.

My Mother always said, 'this too shall pass.' It always does, even when we are in the deepest pain, it does.

Come be here. You will find really good friends

Love ya

I really appreciate all the responses. I would love to meet up with anyone, just message me.

I will never and would never take my wife back. There is too much damage there now. I think I tend towards mormonism because I enjoy the lifestyle, is all I know, and am surrounded by it.

I went through this faith crisis years ago. The organization isn't some terrible Nazi Germany group. Every organization in the world has pros and cons to it. I honestly find exmormon groups extremely judgmental ironically enough, which I totally get because it sucks to be hurt so much by something not to be angry towards it. I considered myself an atheist for a while but there are aspects to spirituality I really enjoy and want to keep. My wife left because that's what she chose, most LDS people felt that it was outrageous to leave but no one knows what she felt and experienced besides her and she did what she felt was best.

I know full well the pains and the problems with the LDS church. That being said there is so much good, but there is no need to share the good because it just gets rebutted with the bad. The church has evolved from its origins to a constantly better religion in my opinion. My issue isn't what it offers or teachers today so much as what it claims to be. True is a bold statement and it just doesn't hold up to its' claims.

You are all right about one thing that is heart breaking. Love becomes conditional. My wife's love was conditional, and now I get to find someone who will love me despite my flaws, and more importantly unconditionally.

I am not a big forum guy, but I would love to meet up with some people to make connections outside of this religion to find what I really want. Keep posting, I love all your insight!

agentscarn15 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I went through this faith crisis years ago. The
> organization isn't some terrible Nazi Germany
> group. Every organization in the world has pros
> and cons to it. I honestly find exmormon groups
> extremely judgmental ironically enough, which I
> totally get because it sucks to be hurt so much by
> something not to be angry towards it. I considered
> myself an atheist for a while but there are
> aspects to spirituality I really enjoy and want to
> keep. My wife left because that's what she chose,
> most LDS people felt that it was outrageous to
> leave but no one knows what she felt and
> experienced besides her and she did what she felt
> was best.

Did you not feel much anger???

For 10 percent of your money and your time surely there are much more enjoyable organizations. Surely.

Naturally there is pain and resentment. There was so much great that came from it too. I just tend away from places like this because I don't want to build my future on hate for the past. It's to easy to look at the lives the church has hurt here, but make no mistake there are many more who would testify the opposite for their lives. Each life is different, and everyone has a different perspective and experience. I can only speak for myself when I say it caused me so much pain the last four years because I no longer believed it, but when I believed the church, it was a great experience.

I know there is so much pain that has been caused from mormonism. My wife leaving me put me in a state of depression I have never been in and hope to never go back to.

Here is some good the religion offers (I know of all the pain and bad things so rebutting bad with good does not disqualify the good, it just means both coexist together, which they always do).

It offers people a strong sense of purpose and confidence in what they do and how they life.

People do strive to be better and loving in my experience. They are constantly looking for ways to improve their lives and becomes better people.

The moral threshold is much higher so they avoid a lot of pain that comes from living lives full of dangerous justifications. (i.e. TBM families tend to avoid lives of crime, drug addiction, and sexual promiscuity that can ruin their lives, I know there are always exceptions, Joseph Smith for example, that manwhore).

It gives a sense of community that is hard to rival.

There is a lot more as well, but I don't care to share it because people will always have experiences that contradict what my observations are.

This church and religion has caused me more pain than anything. It has also given me so many cherished memories, experiences, and relationships. My mission will always be something special to me. That being said I want to move on from it. I want to create new experiences and cherish what I had and take the good from it and abandon the rest.

The reason I keep second guessing leaving it is because I am still in an emotionally vulnerable place, and everyone around me is Mormon. So making new relationships with people in Provo who are not Mormon will help me grow this vulnerable time out of the religion instead of back into it. Anyways, thanks you all!

for what you are going through. I lost my marriage first. My testimony was failing for quite a while even before I married. My story is on here extensively. My ex is gay. I knew before I married him. The hell the leaders put us through can't be explained. Even with all that and the failure of my marriage, I still clung to my beliefs that mormonism was true???? Well, I don't know. That it deserved my respect for some reason.

It was on this board that I finally realized where my anger should be directed and it wasn't at gays. My ex deserved some anger for how he treated us after he left.

When I finally realized mormonism wasn't what it claimed to be--when the shelf finally completely fell, I was THRILLED. You mean I wasn't wrong? It wasn't my fault that my ex is still gay? (Though mormons still blame ME for his failure to become straight or, at the very least, suppress who he is.)

Coming here allowed me to realize how thoroughly they had lied to me, how they had fucked up my life BIG TIME. I wasn't a failure, THEY WERE. I went to therapy for YEARS. I still go see him now and then. He is an ex-mormon, too. He said to me once, "You and I tested mormonism to its very limits and it FAILED US."

I was as devout as they come. My parents considered me the golden child. I would never leave. I made sure I never did anything to cause them pain. I made my ex promise me when he married me that he would never leave as I couldn't hurt my parents. Thankfully they weren't "that" TBM. My mother more so than my father. They listened. I lost them both 7-1/2 years ago. Luckily, they were around long enough to see me through the worst years of my life.

I'm with the nonmormon I wanted to marry at age 20 (I met him at work). Our old boss (a mormon) got us back together after 27 years. We've been together 11-1/2 years now. My ex and I are best friends. My daughter is TBM and that causes me SOME angst.

People sometimes ask here and other places, "What would it take for you to go back to mormonism?" Nothing could make it attractive enough to go back. Just when I thought they couldn't hurt me more, they pulled that new policy back in November. I cried for days. They told me to marry him and now my kids are second-class citizens? Are you KIDDING ME? So many mormons I know said, "It is to protect the children." My 2 sisters said, "Bullshit." My older sister is still slightly in the church. She was really concerned about my daughter and how this will effect her life.

And THIS is a good thing? Do you have any idea how much pain this church has caused me? My ex? My children? I realized just last week when my boyfriend and I were out to dinner and something came up about "sexual sin" and how I lived my life in such a fashion I would NEVER have to talk about sex with a bishop and, guess what, I had voyeurs quizzing my boyfriend/future husband and I on sexual issues because he is gay. I told my now boyfriend as I sat there with tears running down my face, "I got married to survive. They were destroying me. I had to get them out of my life." I wouldn't have survived much longer had I kept dealing with the leaders. I have severe PTSD from mormon leaders. I quit going to any interviews including things like tithing settlement after I got married. I only renewed my TR once, but then I thought the temple was laughable. Something I'd looked forward to all my life. It was probably the biggest disappointment in my life--the temple, second only to my new name, Lucy. I thought they were going to give me a a god-given name, LUCY???? Even my ex said, "WHAT?" at the veil.

Well, I'll shut up now. They took me and used me and abused me, and made me their lab rat. Now tell me what good the LDS church has done.

All this doesn't include the letter I received from Boyd.

There is someone else out there that you will find that will love you and you will love more than your wife. You're young. There is so much more to life than THIS. My salvation probably was that I had so much I had to take care of after he left me that I didn't think about religion for a while. Take a vacation from thinking about it. Just live your life and put religion on the back burner. Take care of yourself, get back in school, etc., and eventually the indoctrination will start to die and you can see mormonism through clearer eyes.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2016 12:58PM by cl2.

I once got a fortune cookie that was like a revelation from God. It was the day I got fired from my job.

The message was: "How will you ever get to where you are going, if you don't leave where you are now?"

RPackham Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I once got a fortune cookie that was like a
> revelation from God. It was the day I got fired
> from my job.
>
> The message was: "How will you ever get to where
> you are going, if you don't leave where you are
> now?"

I will remember this for a very long time, Richard...

Thank you very much for posting this.

:) :) :)