For the last year or so I've been losing my faith in the lds church and after doing my own research I no longer believe it to be true. I have CPTSD as a result of a situation that happened because of my involvement in the mormon church. My family believes that my lack of belief in the truth of the church is because of what happened to me. I've tried explaining all the research I've done about the BOM not being historically accurate among a lot of other things but it always goes back to me having a mental illness and not being able to have a clear mind to make this decision. All I hear is them telling me how broken I am and how the gospel will heal me. I know that the only way I'll heal is to get out of the church. If anyone has had a situation like this can you please let me know how you got through it?

I wouldn't talk to your family members about facts concerning the Mormon church, because they are not concerned about facts. What I would say to them is, "I realize that the Mormon church works for you, but it doesn't work for me. It doesn't help me to calm my mind or to feel peaceful. What does help me to feel calm and at peace is [fill in the blank.] Please respect that." Keep repeating variations of that like a broken record.

When they say that you are broken, respond, "The Mormon church does not help me to feel whole. What helps me to feel whole is [fill in the blank.]"

When you respond like that, you are taking back control of the narrative -- YOUR narrative. Your family doesn't get to define your life, nor define what constitutes happiness and success for you. You do. Tell them your truth.

Some things that may help you to feel calm and peaceful might include spending time in nature (the mountains, the seashore, walks, etc.,) exercise, yoga, playing and cuddling with pets, spending time with your friends or your spouse or kids, reading (especially uplifting things from a variety of authors and traditions,) visiting a library or a garden, working with your own garden, painting and drawing, creative crafts and hobbies, listening to music, etc.

The broken record technique that summer recommends is the easiest and most effective way to deflect unwanted criticism, comments and "advice."

It allows you to respond in a way that deflects comments and allows them to just pass on by without touching you.

The broken record has the added bonus of driving your attackers crazy! Give it a try

I thought mental illness was why people stay IN the Church.

There are proven yet unorthodox methods for dealing with PTSD. Look up MAPS.

hear, hear. I see belief in magic (includes some religion) as a form of mental illness. While I don't see being something mainstream as believing in magic, it still might be. at any rate beliving in Mormonism is just crazy and is more about mental illness than believing in science.

Since they're the ones in denial, how is living a lie considered mentally healthy?

When you're surrounded by such people it probably would make you question your sanity. Maybe need new interests, hobbies, boundaries, where you can make new friendships and get out more from the cloistered life surrounding you.

Your Mormon family's living with a huge disconnect and cognitive dissonance between what is and isn't real versus even a semblance of a rational religion that doesn't pretend to be the only true church on the face of the earth (hence, another defining characteristic of a cult.)

If you need to treat mental health issues &/or illness, the church is not the vehicle to do that for you. Even God who hears and answers prayers, isn't going to vouch for a pseudo religion. That's where their logic fails them. Being brainwashed is not the path to spiritual enlightenment. Never was. Unlearning dogma is not easy to do, especially when your own family is still mired in it.

It might be easier to give into their demands, but if you've already reached a place where you can no longer reconcile the teachings with your own beliefs, to buckle to family pressure would cause you more problems in the longterm IMO than to deal with it as you go. Losing their support may be more detrimental on the other hand, if you need them to help you cope with what else you have going on.

Best wishes whatever your decision/s are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/16/2016 09:48AM by Amyjo.

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig." -- Robert Heinlein.

Why are you trying to teach pigs to sing? They can't sing.

Move on.

Your specific situation will best determine what your options are, and there isn't a lot of information to go on.

For example, does your "family" mean spouse and children, or parents and siblings? Are you a legal adult or a teenager? Do you live with your parents or are you on your own? All these make a difference in how you can respond.

In general, the less dependent you are on your family, the freer you are to push back on them.

"The gospel can't heal me – it's your stupid gospel that did all this to me in the first place!"

"You think I'M broken? You're deluded, ignorant and brainwashed!"

"No, you're wrong… You're wrong… You're wrong" (repeated over and over; eventually they'll get tired of hearing it and drop the subject)

Your family is holding you back and dragging you down with them. You have to find a way to lessen or minimize their influence in your life. Your recovery may depend on it.

^^^

This

They assume someone is crazy not to want to be in touch with god via the one true church. Weird, aren't they?

"YOU are the ones who believe that an angel gave Joe golden plates, which he translated by looking at a magic rock in his hat. YOU are the ones who think that knowing the secret handshakes and passwords will get you into heaven. YOU are the ones who believe the ever-changing pronouncements of the old men in the church office building....

"And you think *I* am crazy?"

Exactly.

I've felt more grounded and sane than any time in my life since I became religion free.

Mormon conformity and servitude coupled with punitive parenting made a nice foundation for my mental health problems.

Thank you for all the comments, it's actually steeled my resolve to be completely transparent about why I've left. My family could be told that Joseph Smith married a 14 year old girl and they would find a way to rationalize it. Oh wait, he did do that and they have rationalized it.

CPTSD is complex post traumatic stress disorder, mine is a result of extended sexual abuse. The only reason I met my abuser is because he was in the same ward as I was and the bishop thought it would be nice to introduce us and have him give me private art lessons. So much for the power of discernment. When I found out about Joseph Smith having multiple wives and many of them were under 18, it made me sick. Then in every young women's class it was stressed that as a woman I have the responsibility to make sure I'm not dressing or acting provocatively because that could distract the men. As a young girl and dealing with what happened, this teaching messed me up and caused me to blame myself even more. It took years of therapy for me to stop blaming myself.

Naturally, I'm the one who's lost my grip on what's rational because I was disgusted by Joseph Smith. It only makes sense that the only reason I could be confused by this religion is because I have PTSD, it has nothing to do with the historical inaccuracies or Joseph Smith being a child molester.

So now at 22 I actually feel like I can free myself from the church that caused me so much grief. The hard part is that the way my family views it, I've allowed my PTSD to skew my perception of the church because of a "small" incident with Joseph Smith. I suppose I'll probably always have to deal with the fact that my family ignores how much I've grown and instead puts it in an ashamed light that I've left the source of my abuse.

As far as I'm concerned, this is all the reason you need for leaving the church. Studying and deciding that the BOM is bullshit should not even be on the radar. You were groomed for abuse and abused at the hands of priesthood holders. CPTSD is completely legit.

Stop talking to your family about this. It's none of their business and obviously, they cannot be supportive of you at all, so just stop. They will NEVER understand and you'll NEVER get the love and support you need from them. Ever.

They'll do that. People who have become delusional to the point of believing something absolutely (which one should never do,) will be unreasonable and irrational. They'll project it on to you. Just remember: You're not nuts. It's them!

There is no obligation to believe everything someone tells you! Definitely not when you know it is not true or factual.
That is particularly true when they try to find fault with you spiritually. That's just plain out of bounds.

You can chalk up the thoughts an goofy ideas to people talking about what they think is right or true with nothing but beliefs.
Everyone has an opinion.
A thought is just a thought. You can change it!

The more time you can spend away from the craziness, the better!

This is classic manipulation/abuse/gaslighting:

"If you don't believe what I believe, you are insane."

Don't bother to argue with them. The abuse will only escalate.

Best to disengage, keep a low profile, and work on discontinuing the relationships. Being completely open and honest, is giving a green light to further abuse tactics.

This is what makes them so clannish is the fanaticism by which they are all knowing, and everyone else is wrong. When I was on my family history trip in May and visiting TBM relatives the most distant of those I visited should have been the closest in terms of kinship.

Instead, despite my being treated with courtesy and respect, I was still an outsider because I no longer conform to their religious beliefs or dogma. I was viewed with skepticism bordering on scorn because I don't adhere. My TBM brother railed about the early Lamanites and the matching history in terms of artifacts and archaeology. I stood in disbelief as he went on about how science has proven the BoM, and so has the DNA.

I mean this is a guy with a PhD, married for decades, and family guy. But his mind is in a funk that he can't see through. One of his adopted daughters I met for the first time while I was visiting, and she burst out, "Oh, you're the one I've heard so many stories about!" And then complete silence LOL. Like I wasn't supposed to hear or know what those stories were. I was treated like the apostate that they must think of me as (I'm actually a very moral person and straight shooter.) I was above all that, but it was a snub by those who use religion as a battering ram. That's what LDSism has done to my brother and his family. As nice as they were on one hand, they were condescending on the other.

I was glad to see him if for only the reason we may not get the chance again. We nearly lost him a few years ago from a heart ailment he didn't know he had that snuck up on him. So I went out of my way to visit him and his wife, and nieces & nephews. I'm still glad I did. :)

I have another TBM brother who jumped through hoops to try and destroy my family as best he could while I was active TBM, and since. He I will have nothing to do with. I judge them too, on their hearts. There's no law including biblical that says we are to forgive and forget when a brother betrays our trust. He has one too many times to ever regain it back. That has more to do with "The Law of Return."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2016 08:47PM by Amyjo.

Remember what Tom Phillips pointed out: you have been able to see that TSCC is a made up religion, so you have gained one very precious gift: integrity.

This was many years ago. This incident should of sent me immediately out the door of Mormonism to never return. I, unfortunately, hung in as a member for a couple of more years.

I had recently moved to TN and my family was still up north waiting for our house to sell. I had been the ward clerk previously and received the same calling here. The first Bishopric meeting started and the Bishop began a very nasty monologue about a woman in the ward. She was having some serious problems emotionally and he blamed it on sin. His exact words were, "Mental illness is caused by sin." I immediately spoke up and said that mental illness is like having heart or liver problems or cancer. The brain is an organ that can malfunction or be damaged by disease. He got angry and repeated the same words again that mental illness is caused by sin and shut down any other comments by me. The two asshole counselors agreed with him.

I called home when I returned to my temporary living quarters that evening and talked to the wife about a mistake I made moving here. The idiocy of the local bishopric troubled me. Such narrow minded thinking is common in Mormonism.

Can relate. It is so frustrating. It helped me to remember that the church is false independent of me, it isn't my fault JS made it up, my only "fault" is figuring it out. Looking back, I was looking for validation from my family that my new worldview was "okay" and nothing to do with my mental health issue. That isn't ever going to happen. No matter how many times and ways you tell them, it (most likely) will never happen and until you can come to peace with that, the pain continues. My advice is not to talk to them about it but seek validation elsewhere. Online. In person support groups. Anyone not mormon--you know the other 99.8% of the rest of the planet's population. They would readily agree that it isn't you.

Sorry they're doing that to you. I've experienced similar treatment. It is frustrating and disappointing when your own family won't treat you with basic respect. Personally, I found it helpful to create boundaries with toxic family members and to make a conscious effort to stop caring what they think. What my family thinks will always be important to me, but the reality is that they sometimes have manipulative impulses and ulterior motives so I can't/don't trust them with much information about myself or my thoughts. It has taken a long time for us to reach a point where they kinda sorta just about respect my decision making abilities.

What you're dealing with is not an impossible situation but it's hard to address as a stranger across the internet. I really encourage you to work with a therapist to develop strategies for dealing with your family's gaslighting behavior.