What would you do? It is not my child who did this. My sisters son did this to my mother.

There's a story like that in the Toronto news today, for an even greater sum. I guess it sadly happens. The sense of betrayal must feel awful.

http://www.680news.com/2016/08/09/markham-woman-dies-penniless-after-son-steals-life-savings/

It has taken a huge toll on our family. My Dad was dying from cancer when he stole the money. My Mom is a wreck right now.

make me confess, apologize, offer a plan for repayment with interest.

If I didn't cooperate, she would call the cops. She would write me in jail though.

Some people in my Mormon family have ripped off one another for decades. I can't even recall every episode. I just stay away.

Hopefully, and I'm pretty sure this is the case, I've raised my kids well enough that my child *wouldn't* steal anything from anyone, let alone grandma.

If one did, I'd tell them to repay it immediately, or the cops would be called. The cops would probably get called anyway. One thing I've always taught them: there are consequences to your actions.

I would ask your mother what she wants to do about it. And I would try to help her plan to prevent that in the future.

You could also consider contacting your local elder abuse agency.

Ditto this.

At one point in my life, I would have told grandmother to report it to the police and press charges. Having now raised a number of troubled children, I would no longer do that.

I would sit down with kiddo and talk with him for as long as it took (maybe several sessions, maybe with a therapist) until I really knew my son's thinking and heart. Until you do, you'll guess at the reasons, and fashion a response that may be really unhelpful.

I would search his room, and the entire house he lived at, including in the toilet tank, and behind and underneath the dressers, and in each book, and in the wall and floor grates --- a really thorough search to rid your home of all items, and to return stolen things to owners.

I would search child every day until I had no longer any reason to believe he was doing bad things (which could be several months or even years). I would consider random drug/alcohol tests, and show up where he said he was going to be and/or track his whereabouts randomly.

I would establish a relationship with a good child psychologist who does cognitive behavior therapy (for the kiddo) once the substance abuse (supervised by addiction counselors) was under control. Before doing anything unusual, run it by them to make sure you've thought through everything and the professional agrees that it is reasonable (I once stripped a substance addicted kiddo's room down to four walls ---no door --- and a mat on the floor, and he had to earn back more than the one set of clothes he was given, by behaving appropriately each day (it took almost a year for him to earn back all his privileges and things). Because some see this as draconian, if you get reported (maybe by the kiddo) for abuse, you need the protection of having discussed it with a professional first.)

I would do everything to get the money back from him, take and sell his toys, put any Christmas and birthday gifts, or other things I would do for son, to grandmother instead, until it was paid in full. (If I could, I would reimburse victim, and have kiddo pay this back to me.)

I would immediately have kiddo completely evaluated for drug and alcohol addiction (maybe inpatient), and mental health, as well as for executive function disabilities.

I would make sure he was never at grandmother's (or any other elderly or at risk persons home unsupervised).

And I would make it clear that if all of that were insufficient to protect society from him, or him from himself, I would not be opposed to calling the police and having him arrested if there is ever a next time, carefully explaining the enhanced penalties for doing this to disabled and elderly.

I'd also be praying because He knows our children and their needs better than we do, many times what I thought I should do, I was prompted to do something differently. It is a tough place to be. Sorry your family is going to have to go through this.

Thank you all for the responses. I should clarify my nephew is an adult.

Unfortunately what has happened is that my sister keeps pressuring my Mom to forgive him, and my Mom won't, and doesn't want him in her life anymore. She is alone and scared, and just wants to move on and have peace.

My sister gets angry and says nasty things. It has all come to boiling point where my Mom finally stood up for herself, and told my sister to leave her alone. But she is hurting really bad. She made an appointment for counselling.

I am appalled that my sister has done everything wrong in this situation, and blames my Mom for not forgiving him. Ugh.

The Voice Of Reason Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am appalled that my sister has done everything
> wrong in this situation, and blames my Mom for not
> forgiving him. Ugh.

Perhaps mom (or you) could let sister know that if and when the adult child pays back the money stolen, with interest, then mom might consider "forgiving." But until that happens, there's no reason to.

Just a thought.

I think that your mom is handling this situation in an emotionally healthy and perfectly reasonable fashion. It sounds like your sister is broken in the same manner that your nephew is broken. You have my sympathy.

The family dynamics are a mess, in several directions. Just from what little I've read I see a felony perpetrated in the midst of terminal illness with arrows of conflict going out between and among multiple relatives.

Your family needs (non-LDS) counseling, in my opinion. Without it things will likely get worse. There's no easy fix here; there's months of work.

getbusylivin,

You nailed it. I have gone for counselling, and my will Mom too.

We have both recently cut contact with my sister as it is too stressful. She was calling 5-6X a day, so I do not know her plans. The trust is so broken right now, I don't think there can ever be any reconciliation.

Thanks Tevai for the web site. It is really good. Thanks again to all for your input. Very helpful

I agree the trust is totally broken and with your sisters current and on going behavior, I would tend to believe the situation can not and will not be remedied. I also believe that the grandson's behavior is going to escalate and it will be at his mom's expense.

Sister is a full fledged enabler and likely will accept continued mis-behavior from son whether he steals from others or from her. I can see a court room in the future for the boy and possibly some bars too. I just hope his actions don't turn into physical violence some time, even inadvertently. People can do some pretty stupid things in the heat of the moment.

I suggest you and your mother get a restraining order on the grandson and your sister. You can't afford to play nice at this point of the game.

I've noticed when people have substance or other big problems, they point the finger at others. That she is constantly calling is another clue.

My co-worker was recently taken for around $10k by a con man she lived with. When he caught her moving out, HE was mad, saying that she was flawed because she couldn't forgive him.

Call the police.

Google: elder financial abuse, [name of the town/city/county/state where the grandmother lives, because this would---almost certainly---be considered the site of the crime].

Once you report this to whatever agency is responsible in the appropriate area of the crime, it is very likely that a social worker will contact you (either by phone, or by email, or in person) to evaluate the circumstances and determine what legal remedies are available in that jurisdiction. (Laws about elder financial abuse, as with most crimes, often vary quite a bit from place to place.)

The process begins with you, or another responsible party, reporting the facts to the proper agency (and most jurisdictions do go out of their way to be helpful and cooperative in elder abuse situations, whether the abuse be financial or any other kind).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/11/2016 11:47AM by Tevai.

I fall on the side of protect and report.

Your sister is perpetuating the crime by insisting on zero reparations, and her son just wants another peek in granny's wallet for that new card number.

I feel so sorry for yor mom. This is her daughter and grandson doing this to her. Make sure her legal docs are in order so they can't have "equal say" in her financial matters if she falls ill. Call an attorney.

Hello, I am sorry for this situation. It happened in my husband's family. My sister-in-law and her husband stole/embezzled about $500,000 from my mother-in-law. My in-laws owned a successful business, which my SIL eventually ran when my father-in-law passed away. My MIL was the CEO but wanted to semi-retire. It is a long story. My MIL was in denial for several years, not believing her own daughter would steal from her. When MIL finally realized the truth, she was devastated. But, at the age of 82, came out of retirement and almost singlehandedly turned the business around. My SIL ran the business down to the ground. Every business debt has been paid, and now people are flocking to my MIL because they know that she has a quality business.

But it has destroyed the family. It will not be repaired. My MIL disinherited her daughter, and the siblings cut all ties. My SIL, however, tells the sob story of how they earned that money through their hard work and sacrifice. Truth was, they got control of my MILs personal savings even and cleaned her out. They forged her signature on a loan using her house as collateral. The other siblings pooled money to keep the house from being foreclosed on. This awful situation drew us all in. My In-laws were simple people, and never lived beyond their simple house they bought in the early 1950s. My MIL paid us all back, every dime. My husband once told me that he was glad his dad was not here to see this. He loved his family and worked hard to provide for his family. My husband has not spoken to his sister and flatly refuses to attend any gatherings that include her. The extended family has had to realize that wedding invitations, etc, cannot include everyone anymore. A cousin got married and invited us. My husband called to verify that his sister and her family were not invited. My husband is the eldest son in a very patriarchal family, so his word has been respected. He has told everyone that his sister will only be forgiven if she pays his mother back.

My MIL, at our urging, consulted a lawyer. She had more than enough evidence to press charges. But, she chose not too. She could not face the shame she said of admitting her own daughter stole from her. However, it is pretty much known by everybody. My SIL and her husband are working low paying jobs and struggling financially. They spent all that money. Karma bites you in the butt. This happened to a once close and loving family. It is a great tragedy to us but my SIL still thinks she did nothing wrong.

Sweets, I don't want to go too far off topic here, but it is clear that your DH's family is still very close and loving. Only one member betrayed that, and has chosen exhile over honesty. The rest sound just wonderful.

Wow Sweets. That is so bloody crazy. Thank you for sharing. Thank you all again for your messages.

Tevai, that website was very helpful. Cheers.