I've posted about my narcissistic sister before. She threw me under the bus about six months ago and trashed me on Facebook because I wouldn't drive her five hours to a funeral. She blew off my birthday and hasn't spoken to me all this time. We live six miles apart. Suddenly I got a call yesterday on my voicemail with a short news item and ending by saying, "I love you". I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. She only talks like this when she wants something. She had her car repossessed so I'm guessing she needs a ride somewhere. I've been advised it's best to stay away from her but it's hard when she gets our mother involved in these things.

What say you all?

Tough love is tough....She will learn appropriate behavior. Parents raising teenagers go through this all the time.

Gatorman

What do we say? I'd say that you have a pretty good assessment of her behavior. If you fall for it-you're screwed. I don't care if Mom gets involved-let Mom drive her. Not an option? Too bad. If you wittingly cave, you'll just confirm to her that her manipulation works. Why change her behavior if it works? Put your foot down & keep it down. Otherwise- get used to her using you for decades.

I don't have any trouble saying "No" to her demands. The problem is having any contact whatsoever. It was one of my cousins that suggested I stay away from her altogether. It's my mother who wants us to have a good relationship but Mom wouldn't make me cave to her demands. I just don't want to even relate at all. But it will hurt my mother if I don't even talk with her. I just don't want to get sucked into her disorder. Even talking to her seems to leave me drained due to having to constantly walk on egg shells in order not to cause her to blow-up. There is a family wedding in October that will force me into contact with her. I've already decided to skip the reception to avoid her.

That's fair. I'm with your cousin. No contact. Explain to your Mom that your sanity & well being is worth more than having a fake relation with your toxic sister just to make mom feel good. Ask her if it's worth it for your health to suffer just to try to please them. If your Mom is honest, she'll get your point. She won't like it, but she won't blame you. Save your sanity & future.

StillAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That's fair. I'm with your cousin. No contact.
> Explain to your Mom that your sanity & well being
> is worth more than having a fake relation with
> your toxic sister just to make mom feel good. Ask
> her if it's worth it for your health to suffer
> just to try to please them. If your Mom is honest,
> she'll get your point. She won't like it, but she
> won't blame you. Save your sanity & future.


I agree with this 100%. Good luck to you in dealing with her toxicity.

I have one of those.

"Mom, for us to have a good relationship, she would have to do her share of the heavy lifting. I know she's not capable of that, so I've let her use and abuse me too many times. Believe me, I'd love nothing more than a sister who treated me like a sister. But I'm done letting her abuse me. It's over until she deals with her issues."

"I want Trump & Hilary to fall in love and run off to Bali, which is more likely to happen than your sister treating you like a sister."

Tell your mother that you've suffered enough.

If she asks for a ride, send her a link to the Uber app. Then she call call a ride any time she wants one.

Her credit cards are maxed-out and she has no credit rating. Don't think Uber would take her anywhere. Which is, of course, why she has to climb down from her pedestal and ask me for rides.

A Narcissistic personality is not the same as a teen ager.

My brother was a narcissistic psychopath, who deliberately did everything he could do to make my life miserable. He would act innocent, and said he was "emotionally a 6-year-old" to get away with his abusive behavior. He abused and manipulated my mother, too, and was always the playground bully.

You're right that your sister wants something--otherwise she wouldn't try to make up with you. Narcissists are master manipulators, so be aware!

I finally had to break off all contact with my brother, after trying for years to tolerate him, forgive him, even help him. All he did was ruin my life. When he started abusing my children--I drew the boundary line there--finally.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this person.

I have a sister who is very similar. Last year she abandoned our little sister on her wedding day for selfish reasons. Before that everyone would cater to her every whim and she always got away with her behavior. Her ditching my little sister was the last straw for me and I chewed her out. She blocked me and everyone but one person in our family from any contact (like she's the victim) I haven't felt bad about it since. I have felt so much happier not having her in my life because it's only ever about her. I say, if she's that bad let her go. That's a toxic relationship and even though she's blood related, that doesn't mean you have to talk to her. Sometimes getting away from toxic family, as hard as it is, is what is healthiest.

<<<<<She blocked me and everyone but one person in our family from any contact (like she's the victim)>>>>>

This is exactly what my sister does too.


My sister has done this to everyone in our family but she does it to one of us at a time. First, my father, then Mom, and then me. She always, after many months of no contact, returns as if nothing ever happened. She always wishes us dead before she storms off in a huff. Then she returns all sugar and syrup. I'm the last to get this treatment and I have to admit that the long absence has been pure bliss. I'm afraid her sons want me to be close with her but I suspect it is because they are tiring of her demands and want me to take over their role as protectors and servants. She has multiple health issues and plays them up to the hilt for sympathy. Her boys are feeling trapped into caring for her and would like to get her into an assisted care facility so they can get away from her. She talks as if they want to put her into an asylum (which wouldn't be a bad idea).

I've dealt with crazies also. A couple of ideas that helped:

"There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right.” (Unknown)

Poster Beth has said: “Let them ride the crazy train without you." Some of the best advice I’ve heard. Don't take the bait, don't engage them.

My best to you in dealing with the craziness.

TG

I agree with everyone else, ignore her, sounds like she wants something. Doesn't she have any friends? Of course, the way she sounds, no one would want to be around her. She sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like she's made her up her bed.

She has only two steadfast friends but they are users ie leeches. When she had money they used to flatter her (she's a total sucker for flattery) and get her to buy them things she could not afford. She likes to brag that she will have lots of money when our mother dies so I think they are hanging around her for the day Mom dies and they will more than likely fleece her by making sure she knows that they stood by her when nobody else did.

You keep mentioning others who might want you to have a relationship with your sister. Let them have the relationship. You've already assessed it's not good for you. You have a right to pick your relationships -- even with family.

I need to incorporate this suggestion into my life. I feel like I'll lose the relationship I have with my sister's children if I walk away from her. But they aren't all that close to me anyway. I guess I still have this wish to have a happy, healthy family. Seems that ship sailed and I just need to accept it. My parents were so loyal and such good and steadfast support in my life that I feel guilty not being there for my sister (family loyalty). My dad always knew my sister would someday end up in poverty and made me promise to manage her finances for her. She doesn't think she needs anyone's help. She's a spending addict, has been all her life, and I see no way to control her without having her declared legally incompetent. I don't think that will ever happen because she can appear totally together and rational when she wants something. I guess that's why I get sucked in so often. I want so much to believe she is normal, at least to some degree, that I drop my guard and then regret it later. So few people know the real person my sister is that I feel alone in this mess. The few friends I've confided in doubt me because they have seen my sister only when she's on her best behavior. My cousins live far away and just don't see the constant struggle even though they are supportive of me. I guess that's why I came here. It's easier to stay strong when I feel supported. Otherwise I start doubting my decision to separate from my sister and avoid her.

Thanks everyone for letting me talk this out.

First off I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I grew up (and still am dealing) with a mentally ill parent. It's draining.

You sound like you love your family. I have learned that boundaries are healthy...feels bad/weird at first but necessary.

What your father made you promise was not fair. He's passing his responsibility/enabling(or was his when she was a child) on to you. Your life and health (physical and mental) are just as important as hers.

Switch the perspective...would your family ask her to leave you alone to help you out? I'm not trying to trash your family, just trying to give you thoughts for the rainy days when you might allow guilt or familial longing to creep over your better judgement....I have to have self talks all the time still.

Good luck

Waiting for your mom to die? That's sad and horrible. Not being there for your sister? Sounds like you've been there enough. What about her being there for you? I don't think you can help her at this point. She doesn't seem to appreciate it , nor learn from her mistakes. The more you bail her out, the more she'll keep spending or messing up. You can't keep supporting her for her whole life. You have a life too.

<<<She doesn't seem to appreciate it , nor learn from her mistakes>>>

Yes! Rather than appreciate help from others she acts as though we should all be grateful for the opportunity to do things for her. And she makes the same mistakes over, and over, and over. Yet, she acts so arrogant and full of herself. Her worst mistakes are with money and friends. She acts as though her family is an endless source of assistant (mostly in the form of money) created just for her. Her ex-husband acted this way as well. I've stopped giving her money but I think her children are helping her out now.

And she keeps taking up with the most awful men and friends simply because they flatter her. She never suspects that they are just manipulating her. I pity her for being this way but how can you help someone who cannot recognize that they are their own worst enemy? She is so disordered I cannot stop feeling guilty if I just abandon her. If the family gives up on her she's going to really crash and burn and have no idea how it happened. I get no satisfaction seeing her suffer because her suffering never teaches her anything. It's like watching someone smash into a wall again and again because they see a door that is not there. And when you try to tell them the door they see isn't real they get mad at you. It's killing me to watch her life spiral down. She is still my sister and my only sibling.

The only way to deal with difficult people is to avoid them.

Difficult people are capable of acting normal once in a while, that's why they are hard to get along with.

Just avoid her, and let her know that she has an extreme pride problem (narcissism), and you be around her any longer.

Trust me, you won't hurt her feelings... she will think YOU are the problem... after all, cant you see that she is awesome?!?

You are right about "she will think YOU are the problem". She is NEVER the problem. She just doesn't get why the entire world doesn't think she is awesome.

I have worried that she would get herself into such a financial bind that she would be wandering the streets w/o food, clothes, shelter. I think this was always my dad's fear as well. But I really think she is too good at manipulating others to ever reach this point. Plus, she has three adult children. For now, at least, they seem to be watching out for her. I'm ready for a vacation from her. The past six months she was shunning me were just fine, great actually. But that was, of course, her decision. I think now it is time for me to get tough/strong and make the conscious decision to make the separation a permanent condition. Sounds like I'm getting a divorce lol

Thanks everyone. Your input really helps.

If I were you, I'd send her an email with 4 words: "I love you too."

Ignore any further requests, except for telling her you love her.

Copy mom.

In her narcissistic mind I think any reply whatsoever would be an invitation to start making demands/requests of me. She doesn't really care if I love her or not. She just wants to know if she can guilt me some more. If she can't see how incredibly much our parents and I have loved her all these years coming to her aid I don't see what those four words will do to make her understand. If I don't reply, and she didn't ask for a reply, she can take it any way she wants. If she asks if I love her I will, of course, tell her I do. But I seriously doubt that's why she left the message.

Frankly, I don't think she does love me. I don't think she has a clue what love is. This used to hurt me but now I realize she has a disorder and cannot help that she doesn't feel love for others. It's certainly not just me. I watched how she raised her children and it was obvious they never came first in her life. Yes, she fed, clothed, diapered, etc. But her needs always came before theirs. Is that love?

My advice was given for YOUR benefit (and your mother's). Not hers. I would not be concerned about what she thinks or cares about.

I'd move on with my life, and ONLY respond to her emails with the one I suggested.

That's what I would do.

Carry on with the Cone of Silence®. Do not give in. You've made it clear that your sister is toxic. You owe her nothing.

And when you get the calls from relatives and/or mutual acquaintances, telling you that Sissy is worried about you, laugh, and tell them that you have no intention of dealing with wack job sister ever again and you've never felt better or more liberated. Tell them not to be jealous and then change the subject.