Posted by:
starting fresh
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Date: August 24, 2016 04:24AM
Thank you so much. I am going to be reading this all masses of times. With the therapy, I have just had 2 weeks which was the assessment, I am being seen at a hospital, tomorrow it is setting goals then the next week it starts properly. So I can ask the therapist about this being one of my goals.
This is the usual pattern, the normal, not the big blow ups. Last week my mum had a heart procedure. I rang up the day to see how it went. The next day I rang up. Dad answered the phone. I talked to him about 3 sentences. It was fine. Did not mention mum as I was going to speak to her next. Then he calls mum over to the phone and while she is coming, he says in a loud voice to her but knowing I can hear too...''Isn't it nice when someone rings up to ask how you are''. He is the king of condescension.
It makes my heart drop and I get sort of tingling in my head and I feel panicky.
Then I think, he is 80 next year, I want to keep the contact, to keep showing them I do care, which is the opposite of what they think, so a couple of days later I rang up to tell dad about an amazing experience I had with a butterfly, which is important because my grandad kept butterflies, so it is significant to me. I was talking about the cost of one of them. My dad did not listen to what I was saying (and it was his own dad who had the butterflies). Dad just butted inabout the cost....''well so is a diamond ring expensive.''
And the thing that is hard is that when I was telling my mum how hard I work to keep the house and garden nice and cope with living in a challenging area with mu health and so on, she said to me.....I know you do, that is what makes it sad.
And I hate that she said that because that proves, which I know, that they don't like my house, they think it is beneath them to come to it. Dad refuses to take his coat and even once his gloves off in the winter. And that they have no comprehension of my life.
And the real tragedy is that I have believed them and wanted them to be proud of me, because they have every reason to be, but instead they demean me.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I think it will be tricky the therapy because already I am getting so much information and I have to be careful it doesn't make my depression worse, the loss in it all.
Tell you a funny thing! Last week I mention about my sexuality. So the therapist says, Oh, how does that sit with your faith? I'm like, ''it is OK, I'm OK, the literal words in scripture are a misinterpretation''. And I smiled, because I realised I actually was OK about it, and that was RfM and Steve in particular that helped me get there. :)
Thank you :)