Anybody have good material on setting boundaries with inlaws, especially Mormon inlaws....?

I have an extremely pushy Mormon mother in law and an exmormon husband who loves his parents and wants them to be able to see their granddaughter whenever possible. Mother in law just told me she will be volunteering in daughters classroom once/week for entire school year - did not even mention this to me prior to setting it up - school starts in less than a week. I'm feeling disrespected as the mother and primsry caregiver....

Mention this to your daughter's teacher to see if she might be sympathetic to your side, and thus be open to making MIL suffer for her beliefs.

Worth a try...

But hopefully our working teachers will let you know what the norm is in terms of class volunteers. Maybe the teacher can't help but be overwhelming grateful?

Wow. You are describing a huge overreach on the part of your mother-in-law. However, there may be a silver lining: In the school districts where I live, there are strict limitations with regard to who has access to the classroom environment. Non-custodial parents, or extended relatives (as in your case, a grandparent) are not allowed to either enter the school building or volunteer in the classroom without the express, written permission of the custodial parent.

If that is the case with your district, simply tell your MIL that there will be no written permission to access your daughter's classroom forthcoming from you or your husband. You can also advise the school that she does not have your permission to be involved with classroom activities. Believe me, the school district will side with you and enforce your decision, if only because of their fear of potential litigation!

Your MIL will probably pull out the stops and have a major meltdown; but it will be better for your daughter in the long-term if you create boundaries rather than let your MIL set the rules.

Having had a pushy LDS MIL myself, I learned early on that what she 'expected' to happen had to be tempered by what was best for our family in my husband's and my opinion. This is one of those 'Stonewall' opportunities that can serve as a foundation for educating your MIL in boundaries.

Good Luck, and please know that some battle are worth the fight!

Thanks. Our district lets anyone volunteer - no background check even! I just learned this when I went to look at their policies because if this issue....

I think your school has the right idea. Although I'm sure teachers are grateful for help, I have to think classroom parent's wishes would trump....

It's a matter of disrespect and not operating within appropriate boundaries. Had she talked with me first, I probably would have said 'sounds good' - once a month or special events would be appropriate.....

But she's one of those who thinks SHE always knows best and has immeasurable wisdom that we should listen to in terms of parenting and education.

I would like to have a reasonable 'boundaries' discussion with material to back it up.

Is it a done deal or has she just put her name on a list to be called later?

I'd suggest you go to school and talk to the teacher if one has been officially assigned. Say that you are uncomfortable with this once a week plan. Suggest that MIL could attend one or two class parties and a field trip but that you want to be the one contacted for conferences and updates and you won't be comfortable having messages about school activities or your daughter's progress be filtered through grandma before getting to you. I say go to school first thing in the morning. Don't let this idea be etched in stone before you have a say in it.

I was a teacher for over 30 years and hated having to deal with complications like this but it was sometimes part of the job. I'm a strong believer in parent rights and think you need to exert yours.

Please be very positive and gracious about the school room set up, program and decorations. Teachers like that.

Thank you very much for your input and perspective as a teacher. I do fear that the teacher will be resentful about having to deal with family 'drama' before the year even starts. I do not think it is etched in stone because MIL said the teacher isn't sure YET where or how she will be 'used'. BUT, the teacher does already have her helping with decorating projects...

My biggest fear is, as you mentioned, that things will now be filtered through MIL. She has no problem inserting herself into everyone's business. She has definite opinions. I greatly fear we will be getting progress reports and updates from grandma, as well as opinions, etc. I don't want her tracking my daughters academic progress or asking about daughter's behavior, and then telling us what she thinks WE should do. I feel it's not her business unless we ask.

Tracing patterns, stapling together little journals, cutting, folding, inking in, cutting name tags and such.

Yes, although I think MIL is trying to ingratiate herself with teacher by doing this because MIL mentioned that she thinks she will be a part of the grouped reading and helping 'tutor' students / instructing in that manner. So..... It will not continue as menial tasks.

A teacher checking in -- a grandparent volunteer in the classroom is nearly always a good thing. She will be a huge help to the teacher and the teacher will be very mindful that your daughter's needs are fully met (the squeaky wheel gets the grease.) Besides which, your MIL can keep an eye out and let you know if anyone is bullying or otherwise being mean to your daughter. At the teacher's discretion, she will also be available to give your daughter extra help if she needs it.

I like Cheryl's idea of telling the teacher to contact you if she has any concerns about your daughter.

Your MIL sounds loving and responsible even if she is pushy. I would manage her but not discourage her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2016 05:39PM by summer.

You can write a letter to the school and deliver it personally informing them that there are undo influence religious issues in your divorce case and you, as the primary caregiver, would like your mother-in-law to volunteer in another classroom other than your daughter's.

Grandparent visiting is completely up to the parent. They (we) have no separate right at all, so you are within your rights to restrict contact when the child is in your custody.

Best of luck


Kathleen

Hey Kathleen. I didn't see anything regarding a divorce here. I saw "exmormon husband", not ex-husband.

I have a different perspective on this, because my instinctual position is identifying with your daughter, and her potential feelings about this (whether she voices them or not, which if she is like most kids in similar situations, she will not---and for all kinds of reasons).

When I first went to school, I entered about three weeks before the end of the semester because my parents and I were not yet able to occupy the house my parents were building, and so until we could, we were living with my Mom's sister and BIL in Topanga Canyon...which meant a fairly long, and largely mountainous, drive to where classes for my eventual school were being held. (The elementary school I would graduate from was still being constructed.)

From the first day, I felt independent (the six-year-old kind of "independent" ;) ). School became this wonderful place where I could be ME, without being scrutinized on a moment-to-moment basis by three generations of relatives. It was wonderful and glorious and I still remember the joyous feeling of unexpected freedom, for the first time, to be who I actually was.

If any one of my parents or relatives or friends of the family had decided to volunteer in my classroom, or at my school, I would have felt squashed: under a microscope, unable to be spontaneously the person I was (which, of course, I was trying to figure out at that very moment).

In brief, I would have felt not only constantly constrained, but spied on and judged, no matter what I did or did not do.

In large part, this is (very probably) your daughter's introduction to HERSELF. THIS is the time for her discover, all on her own and without family scrutiny, "who" she is and "what" she is all about, from the smallest things to the largest.

This is HER time...NOT her grandmother's time. There will be other times for grandmother and granddaughter to be together, but school is for HER, and she has a RIGHT to it.

I say: Do whatever you must to keep your MIL out of your daughter's school (EVEN on field trips, because field trips are IMPORTANT!!!), and give your daughter her rightful time to grow without family supervision.

I would have wilted inside in very long-lasting ways if any of my relatives (even the ones I loved intensely) had done this to me.

Everyone needs "alone time"...and (even in a classroom full of kids) this is rightfully your daughter's time to just "be."

This was a point my own mom made - that it is my daughter's time to be independent - forge her own way - and do her thing without family oversight or influence. And it is a good, worthy point. As a parent, I volunteer for the seasonal parties, but would never be in the classroom weekly, and it is for this very reason.....

It's why I didn't allow parents to help in the classroom every day or several times a week. Part of the school experience is learning to be separated from family during school hours. Explaining this to the teacher and grandmother might help.

Apparently, you are not alone in your plight, nor is this issue limited to Mormons. I Googled "helicopter grandma", and got too many hits to list.

FWIW, I strongly disagree with the "anybody can volunteer" policy, but would not discuss that with the teacher. I would start with the principle, and raise a couple of different security issues like your child being exposed to non-screened people, people using the school nefarious purposes such as self-gratification, grooming, taking photos and putting them on facebook or much worse sites, are the volunteers ever left alone with the children, etc. IMHO, your biggest concern may not be grandma, but the undelightful cluelessness of the school. If you can afford it, I'd consider a private school. If you have to educate this one about security and parental rights concerning very young children, you have an uphill battle on your hands.

If the principle ignores you or tries to otherwise dismiss your concerns, two words may get her/his attention: lawyer and media. You will find no shortage of articles on school security and violence.

'Helicopter Grandma'....?! I have never heard this term before, but will shortly be googling for my reading pleasure...! :)

Check with your SCHOOL DISTRICT regulations if this is permissible. Most schools have strict regulations on this.



Yes, it is disrespectful to you.

My ex hubby was a weenie when it came to his Mom. I said "You fix this, or I will in my own way."

RMM

Oh my. Well, I had an extremely pushy MIL who was not Mormon, but she was textbook narcissistic.

My spouse and I did set boundaries with her, and it in the course of doing so, found out the root explanation (in my MIL's own words) for her behavior. I'm not saying your MIL has the same motivations my MIL had, but it could be very helpful to have a discussion and discover why she wants to be so involved... More involved than you(?)... in her grandchild's classroom.

In my case, my MIL simply wanted to be my kids' parent. She wanted me busy and out of the way so she could raise my children herself. She was not at all happy that we were not on board with this idea. (We no longer have a relationship with her. There were many more factors involved than this one instance.)

It's a red flag that your MIL announced to you what she would be doing instead of asking you if it would be ok, or at least discussing with you her plans as she was making them. Anything that involves your children should go through you and your spouse. You are the parents.

What does your spouse think?

This is all about control. She wants to be in charge, and she is (not so subtly) shoving you out of her way.

Not subversive. Overt. In your face.

You are the mom. Tell her absolutely not. Then tell her from now on, she needs to check with you about everything she is doing with your daughter.

Second the idea above to to tell hubby first: "fix this, or I'll fix it my way. Got it??"

I completely agree with your experience and assessment. My opinion is that it IS all about control. Also, would not be surprised if SHE wants to have the main 'parenting' influence with our daughter....

We had to have a very serious sit down discussion with them about 2 years ago about how we no longer believed in the church, how they were absolutely NOT to discuss religion with daughter of any sort - even if she asked them a question, etc. They had a hard time with it, and voiced several concerns over our parenting choices. I'm sure they disagree with our parenting choices, mostly involving religion, but probably in general.

The other thing she has a tendency to do is 'take parenting away from' my husband..... I have mostly been a stay at home parent with my daughter. But I work part time picking up shifts at a hospital in the evening. Mother in law is constantly offering to babysit - any time, all the time. Even if my husband is home with daughter in evening and "just in case he wants to work out, or do work on our house" (we are updating), he should contact her to take our daughter..... The problem is, as the 'main parent', I WANT my husband to spend one on one time with my daughter. I want him to take over the parenting for a few hours. I think it's important and healthy. Maybe some people would say, 'oh how nice of her', but it's excessive.

My husband just attributes it to mother in law wanting to spend time daughter and loving her so much.... He thinks it's a win/win for mother in law to see daughter and he 'can get stuff done'.

The problem is mother in law is being selfish and taking important parenting responsibility away from husband. She IS being controlling and manipulative, but husband does not see it that way....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2016 04:48PM by dogeatdog.