I am a 17 year old who is in a very devout Mormon family. And, though my senior year only just started, I know in a few months my mission papers are going to be discussed. I REALLY don't want to go on a mission, but I also had 2 older brothers not go and having a third would not make my mother very pleased. How would I avoid going on a mission without destroying my mother's heart. I am honestly scared and anxious about this to the point that I can't sleep some nights. Please help

"Ah, gee, mom! Bill and Ted didn't have to go!"

Ask them for advice!

Tell your mom you're not going until the church repudiates the 'gays with kids' rule. Look noble when you tell her. Let her see your profile as you speak...

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "Ah, gee, mom! Bill and Ted didn't have to go!"
>
> Ask them for advice!
>
> Tell your mom you're not going until the church
> repudiates the 'gays with kids' rule. Look noble
> when you tell her. Let her see your profile as you
> speak...


That is perfection.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. you can't even go until you've graduated.
2. even though you can go at 18, it's becoming obvious that those going when younger have a much higher probability of coming home early. Your parents should know this by now. It's an epidemic.
3. accomplishments are made when people stay focussed. You have a year of school left. You should be able to tell your parents that you want to fully enjoy your last year of school without the distraction of papers, callings, looming departure dates.

When you've graduated, have looked into college, are a legal adult with an entire 9 months of development, you may chose to go or not. But I can guaran-damn-tee you that you won't be as scared as you are now to face it.

At some point in your life, if lucky, you will come to the full realizatioon that it's your life to live - not your parents, your siblings, friends, or the church. Until then, you will not be fully free. The sooner you begin to move in that direction the more enjoyable your life will become.

Under no circumstance should you serve a mission because not doing so "would not make my mother very pleased". In time, your mother may well accept your decision and you will always be grateful that you followed your own heart. Frankly, two years is much too long out of your young life to waste (which most missions are today) just to please your mother. Those years can be much better spend in continuing your education or learning a useful trade.

My brothers didn't go, and I am feeling unready to tackle this decision. Sorry, but I need to get more education and have more time."

It isn't up to you to avoid disappointing your parents. Part of growing up is beginning to make your own decisions. Your mom shouldn't depend on you for gratification. You are your own man and will eventually have to stand up to her unfair and untenable expectations.

Remember, it's her church that is forcing her to think this way, not anything you or your brothers have done. No other church tells parents they are inferior because kids find their own way in life. That's a good thing not a bad one.

Becoming your own person will displease your parents. Learning to stand up to them is pretty hard, but the sooner you start, the better. One of the best things you can do for yourself right now is be establish your independence through responsibility. Financial independence is vital - money=control. Start earning and saving now if you haven't already. Always have "F*** you" money. :)

Second this!

Thinking differently from one's parents doesn't mean they or you failed. On the contrary, the three of you created an independent human being.

You can give them no greater pleasure than to be independent (although they may need a few years to catch up to the idea...)

"How would I avoid going on a mission without destroying my mother's heart."

You can't. But you and your mother need to understand that your life is YOURS, not hers or your father's. It wasn't your decision to be born into a devout Mormon family, and it isn't your fault that Mormonism is false and that you don't believe in it.

Perhaps the best way to handle this is to just tell your mother that you don't have a testimony, and that you don't feel comfortable in going on a mission and spending two years trying to persuade people to joining a church that you yourself don't believe in. That strategy would be honest on your part, and your mother can't honestly pressure you into going anyway, when you don't believe in it. If you go, you would spend two years writing your parents dull letters about how much you dislike being there. It would be a waste of everyone's time. The only thing to be gained from it is that your mother will be able to tell her church friends that her son is an RM. We haer reports that a lot of missionaries are going out and returning home already, for various reasons. So it's not like you're alone in this. It would be better if you just didn't go in the first place.

I feel for you on this. I'm the youngest of 12 kids---6 boys and 6 girls. I'm the only one who served a mission. I was my mother's pride and joy because of that. When we left the church in 1998, when I was 43, it broke her heart. She begged and pleaded with my wife and I to return to the church until she died in 2010. The thing that Mormon parents need to understand is that their children have to live their own lives.

Sounds like you have a good mother and you care about her very much. This is a tough situation but this IS YOUR DECISION to make.

The best you can do for her is to be a good son in all other respects; be respectful and helpful to others, do your best in school and stay out of trouble. Do these things and she has much to be greatful for.

I think parents sometimes feel pressure from their peer group church friends to have their child meet all the church's expectations ei - "every young man should serve a mission." If this requirement isn't met she thinks she has failed some how.

This is just another example of how the church and its unwarranted influence breaks hearts. Think of all the many hundreds of hearts that were broken by the church requiring the men to take additional wives.

Anything you do against church dogma will "break her heart." Marrying out of the temple will do it. Postponing children will do it. Refusing callings will do it. Unless you plan to be the ideal Mormon boy forever, you will "break her heart" at some point. Better to get it over with now than to waste years of your life pursuing a false perfection.

Your mother has already been disappointed by your two older brothers and survived, and she will survive this too. Enlist their support for your decision, as they have already been down this road.

Imagine what your oldest brother had to face; he was the first to break with the church and crack the mold of the perfect Mormon family. You have support he didn't, so take advantage of it.

Try to challenge and stop thoughts about how you will destroy your mother's heart. If Mom wants to destroy her heart (although I'm not quite sure how) that is her decision to make. It's not your responsibiliy. Your responsibility is to try to stop thinking (or at least reduce) thoughts that naturally would scare the dickens out of anybody.

How do you stop the thoughts? Not necessarily easy at first. But when you are thinking about Mom, you might eventually catch yourself and say, "Hey, I'm doing it again. Let's see if I can think about something else, like that person on exmormon.org suggested." Or you might find yourself feeling anxious, only to realize that your thoughts had turned to how much your mom might feel hurt.

At the same time, try not to become self-critical if you have a hard time stopping the thoughts. You have been programmed for years to think the way you do, and "deprogramming" can take quite awhile.

When I became a fomo, my mother did her best to keep me in the church, including voicing the "broken heart" scenario. Did that hurt me? Of course it did. Did I shed a few tears? Of course. But I resolved that I was going to live my own life, and she wasn't going to live it for me.

Here is another thing. I started receiving telephone calls from old friends who told me how much my mother was hurting. After thinking about it, I started saying, "I'm sorry to hear about my mother. Is there something you can do to help her feel better?" This approach kind of confused the callers and got me off the hook.

When I got back home a couple of times, I had nice chats with my mother (not about religion, of course), and she and her heart managed to make it to the ripe ol' age of 91.

I love this approach! The central feature of emotional manipulation--even if it's unintentional--is that it revolves around what the OTHER person's got to do.

"I've got to go on a mission to keep my mother's heart from breaking."

"Hey, your mother's heart-broken and miserable, you'd better go back to church."

In both cases, the speaker's absolving themselves of all responsibility. Simply bringing that out in the open, and offering to assist the other person in taking responsibility themselves, is quite liberating!

"Mom, I'm so sorry to disappoint you. But I'm not going. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?"

It's like the brilliant, "I'm so sorry to hear about my mother. Is there anything you can do to help her feel better?"

The saddest part of this situation is how value-less Mormonism is. All of this angst and suffering of mother and son alone and together, and all this damage done to an intimate relationship, is for nothing more than looking good to others, to appearing righteous.

I knew a woman who had a daughter in high school. One day the daughter complained of severe stomach cramps, so the mother took the daughter to the emergency room--where the daughter delivered a baby. The mother was shocked and went into a confused depression. She sought advice from an ecclesiastical leader who was strict with her, telling her that her suffering was due to her shame in how the situation reflected on her as a mother. How could she not know her own daughter was pregnant?! She's that alienated from her own daughter?! She's that self-involved that she never noticed?!

The person communicated to her that her suffering was just bruised ego; it's her daughter who needs caring, concern, help, assistance. And what was she going to do for her daughter and grandchild? The woman realized that it was true. Her own shame, guilt, and embarassment were nearly bottomless. But it was all about only her own arrogance and self-importance, having to be viewed in a certain way. Yes, when you put it that way, she was exactly that alienated and exactly that self-involved. She managed to climb out the pit, laugh at herself, and get on with helping her daughter and grandchild to become happy despite the situation.

That's religion. Not this BS.

Don't you think having three kids who decline doing this is likely a sign there's something wrong with her church.....NOT with them?

You go get your brothers and have a discussion with your mother. Don't let her go about life being deceived; talk things straight with her. She's a victim of this cult, do things that show you truly care about her.

Neither my brother nor I went on missions. Our mother threw a variety of tantrums about it over many years and to this day (15 years later) remains disappointed in me for not going on a mission. I am so glad I had the courage to follow my conscience and not do something I didn't believe in. I feel sorry for my mom, but it is her own fault that she feels so bad. If she hadn't placed such narrow and unrealistic expectations on others, she wouldn't be disappointed. Her unhappiness is her own responsibility, not mine.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, either. She actually owes YOU an apology for putting so much pressure on you. It is unhealthy and toxic behavior on her part to try to make you feel like you have to go on that mission. It is your life, not hers. Your mom sounds very immature like she has a lot of growing up to do.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Perhaps the guidance counselor at your school can help you through this.

Agreed -- your mother, like so many Mormon men and women, unfortunately -- appears to be quite immature with lots of growing up to do.

I feel for you. That is such a mind control cult. Shame on their actions

Part of the process of becoming an adult is having the capacity to disappoint your parents when needed. It is a rite of passage. Your mom may be disappointed, but she will get over it (or not.) She has been down this road twice before. She can deal.

Always try to frame things in terms of positives. Yes, you will be telling your parents that you do not wish to serve a mission. But tell them what you DO want to do instead. Hopefully that includes going to college or a trade school, or into the military. Give them a positive vision for what you wish to accomplish with your life, and ask for their help in achieving your vision. You may wish to seek after school employment in order to give yourself a financial cushion for when you follow those plans.

Do ask your brothers for advice in how to navigate telling your parents.

Keep posting and let us know how things go.

Agreed -- focus on what you plan to do, not what you don't want to do. Keep the discussion on these positives, moving to this conversation when the mission issue is brought up.

It is realllly hard to change your way of thinking from doing what your parents expect of you to doing what you want. It took me years to switch my thinking around. I'm almost 40 and my parents (mostly mom) still try and get me to do things they think I should be doing! It's easier said than done, but you have to be able to stand up for yourself and be strong about your decisions. TBM parents act like they OWN their children and grandchildren. They don't own you and their comments about 'breaking their hearts' are purely manipulative.

My brothers at the time didn't feel it was for them. Both went through a phase of non-mormon and one stayed that way but the other came back and is now becoming more active in the church. And I was just always taught that you were either Mormon or you were a bad person and only questioned that statement a few years ago. If I were to try to act out I would have been put in line very quickly as I was a very trusting child

I just wanted to thank you all for the excellent advice. This gave me clarity and hope. For the first time in a long while I'm not stressed about this and I can actually focus on school. Thank you all so much

Glad we could be of help in your time of need. That's why we're here.

Best of luck to you.

The church is so cult-like that not serving a mission is like not getting a tribal tattoo on your face when you become a man. OK, maybe that's over the top, but not by much.

Why did your brothers not go? Just curious. Do they just not like the church, had better opportunities in life by not serving missions, or studied their way out when they discovered the whole history and doctrine of the church was a sham? Also curious about how "good" or "cool" or "strict" your LDS upbringing was. If it was stifling, then I can see wanting to distance yourself from spending two years to try & get anyone else baptized into it. I'm going to assume they didn't decide to spend two spend two years smoking dope, being unemployed, and getting laid. Any mother would hate that.

On the other hand, your mom must have raised some pretty smart kids who figured out it was a corporation shilling as a church.

First, drop the bullshit self-talk lie that you can control your mother's emotions. If you could do that, you would command that she be blissful about you and your brothers not choosing to serve a mission. She can try to blame you, herself, satan, your brothers or father and iPad. She may do all of them, just for good measure. Her emotional condition, good or bad, is out of your control. She gave it to the church, probably as a young adult, before you were born.

Blame is nothing but church manipulation, because in this case, THERE IS NO CRIME. A crime is usually an act against person(s) or property. You are not kicking a child, burning down a house or anything of the sort.

So how does one deal with church manipulation? Because you are a dependant, you can fight fire with fire. That changes as you gain independence.

What follows is just one person's opinion of how to do that.

Tell her (now) that you have no intention of serving a mission unless you receive a personal testimony calling you to do so, that you believe your life is being led in a different direction. That direction has not yet been revealed to you. Leaders claim that past leaders have made mistakes, and you serving a mission would be such a mistake, you are sure of it.

Say it with authority, like a father to a child. Keep calmly and firmly saying it, the same thing, over and over, each time it comes up. This is how she learns - repetition. Don't yell, don't fight, don't respond to accusations of "breaking her heart," except that you are sure that her "broken heart" is not the Lord's intention. Say it like a kindly superhero-teacher. Practice the words and intonation like a sermon.

I suggest you do it soon to alleviate your own stress, open the door to her onslaught of manipilation. It gives you more time to "teach her your testimony," by repeating your words.

Here's the beauty of it: It's true. Your chest is burning with a desire to NOT go; you are receiving the strongest possible "message," "DON'T GO." You didn't say if you have any belief in the church or God, but either way doesn't change "your message." Only a mistaken (human) calling would direct you otherwise. Sometimes the Lord takes a long time to reveal his plan in full.

Your goal is to have a good, productive senior year and plan for your future. Don't bring it up again unless she does. Let her be the student asking the questions. Have "your testimony" ready. If and when the papers come, repeat your statements, and respond to them in the same, exact way.

EXPECT her support in your alternate plans; this is your calling, and you never thought she would ask you to go against your testimony. It is her "role" to support you in your testimony.

You may receive threats to your future duties/positions/opportunities/eternal soul. Same response. That it's not possible if it's not YOUR testimony. Same calmness, same air of authority. You simply cannot be upset if you feel you are following the Lord's plan.


Them: "So you think God talks to you?"

You: "You don't?" (*sad, walks away)


Mom: "You're breaking my heart!"

You: "You think that is God's plan?" (*sad, walks away)


Them: "How do you know it's not Satan telling you not to go?!"

You: "Can't you tell the difference between God and Satan?" (*sad, walks away)


Them: "I know it's not what God wants!"

You: "Was it -God-? who gave you -my- testimomy?" (*sad, walks away)


Answer questions with questions, and you expect no human to have a better "answer" than the one you already "know." So they ask, you ask it back, and walk. No fight. You will not argue about your testimony. It is between you and God.

If you can't think of an answer on the spot, use the same statement.

Them: "So you blah blah blah?!"

You: "My life is in the Lord's hands." (*sad, walks away)

Refuse to engage, try to be ready for the same question next time, with another question.

As you become more independant (self-supporting, pays for own rent and food), you can become more authentic, as you wish. You were given a tough job to break away from cult-think, but there are much tougher roles to have been born into. You can do this.

Their only refuge with this method is to tell you that it's not possible for you to have this testimony, which is game, set, and match for you. If this is not your testimony, then nothing can be a testimony.

Them: "It's not possible that your testimony is to not obey this calling!"

You: "Are you saying that God cannot direct me by authority higher than that of man's?"

You are using the armor and weapons they gave you. Go ahead. Do what they have taught you to do, but do it mindfully.

BTW, for this to work, you have to remain a "good" son. They are not going to believe someone who is caught drunk, in a girl's pants or tattooed, so there are still "rules" to follow until you are free. Behave, have as much fun as possible, work and get into college or other career path.

Your feelings are your feelings alone.
Your fears are your fears alone.
Your ambitions are your ambitions alone.
Your future is your future alone.
Your decisions about you are your decisions to make, yourself, as long as they do not break any laws and are not made with the intention to hurt others. Not going on a mission will hurt nobody. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and trying to manipulate you.

Do not diminish yourself and your parents by taking on a role that belongs to them. Let them go on a mission if they want a missionary in the family.

Parents need to help children learn to individuate from themselves, not stand in their way. That is the only way you mature in a healthy way. You are at an age where you are becoming your own person. Become that person. Your parents should be happy to see you become a unique and independent person, not a confused, fearful, obedient clone of themselves. And you have no responsibility to take on their feelings, fears, ambitions, futures, etc. That is for them to do for themselves.

At 17 you are transitioning into adulthood BUT (and it is a rather large BUT) everyone makes that transition in their own time and in their own way. For your parents (or church leaders) to tell you that you are ready for a mission is beyond their scope of discernment. If you are scared it means you are not ready for this experience or just plain don't want it. There are 18, 19, 20 plus year olds who are not ready for this experience. And there are plenty of people who never serve a mission. This is SUPPOSED to be a volunteer experience!!!! Could you imagine your parents forcing you into the military? Could you imagine them forcing you into the Peace Corps? It would actually be illegal for your parents to coerce you into either of these situations. Why, then, is it acceptable for your parents to FORCE you to be a volunteer? You cease being a volunteer if you are forced. There is no way your experience as a missionary could be helpful to anyone if you are going because of pressure and fear.

I saw Elder Nelson speaking at a press conference. He laughed at the idea that missionaries were forced to serve missions. He emphatically stated that all missionaries serve willingly and without pressure. Tell this to your parents and let them know that you are heeding Elder Nelson's counsel to go when you are ready and not under any pressure to conform to what others think is best. Your parents want you to go so they will look like exemplary parents and not because it will be good for you. How your parents look to others is their problem. It is never anyone's responsibility to make another "look good" by changing their lives. And it is most especially a bad idea to take responsibility for what your brothers did or did not do. That is between them and your parents and no way a burden you should be taking on.

Your two older brothers got off without going on their missions.

Follow their lead. Ask your mother if your happiness means more to her than appearances? Let her know that it would only make you miserable if you had to spend a day, month, year, or God forbid two years of your life doing something you have absolutely zero desire to do, and actually dread.

If she can't hear you telling her that, you are going to need a good therapist.

Best wishes; the future is your oyster! Be brave, be positive. Be happy. And be true to yourself.

Even though your mother may not like it, she'll be fine. Nothing will break. She has proven that she can handle it with your brothers.

Something you may not know, it's not our job to live our parents dreams. It might make her happy, but at what cost to you? It's never a good idea to live your life so everyone around you is happy, except you. That can cause mental issues down the road.

Maybe it would help if your mother realizes this is her dream and not yours. Maybe she should focus on saving money and going on her own mission once all the kids are grown and gone. That way she can live out her dream any way she wants.

Actually, the fact that your two older brothers did not go on missions makes it easier, not harder, for your mother to accept you not going. One more disappointment won't be any surprise or hit her that hard. If she was deceiving herself into believing that the third son would make-up for the other two than that's her own little fantasy. If that's her method of deluding herself she'll just have to keep having more kids until she hits pay dirt or she can start adopting. It could get to be a pretty large family if she chooses that route. ; )

Stop worrying. Your mother is tougher than you think. She might pretend otherwise but don't buy into it. Not having a missionary son never killed anyone. At least I never saw a death certificate that said: Cause of death: Son refused to serve LDS mission. Take a step back, relax, and get real. Life will go on without you in the mission field.

Haha I love that about suggesting to the mother that she save up and go on her own mission.

Please don't go just because your Mom wants you to. Within a short time you will realize what a mistake it was and you will build up resentment towards her and everyone else including yourself. This could be the start of a lifetime of depression. You are in a tough spot, I was once there and decided to make everyone else happy and went. It was the most horrible decision I have ever made and I hated e-v-e-r-y s-t-i-n-k-i-n-g m-i-n-u-t-e of it.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVq5CmpLZCU

But anyway, TBM families are rife with mental intimidation and threats. You (and your brothers) need to take the initiative and pigeonhole your mother into a discussion over the church's REAL history and all the things its done to people that earn it the title of CULT. It is what it is, and it deserves it! Better your mother cries and pouts (temporarily) than live the rest of her life in darkness and confusion.

There does not appear to be any evidence your two brother's actions broke your mother's heart. Doubt your absence in the mission field will either. But....
1. Apply to schools far from home
2. Consider military academies too- good education with great upside even if you don't stay beyond your obligation
3. Not wanting to serve a mission isn't all of the story. Not believing in the church is. This hurdle needs to be faced between you and your parents.
4. In a tight situation going away to school or working where brother(s) are may be intermediate step.
5. Agree strongly with suggestion above to save, procure or plan to support yourself
6. Somehow, if your bishop calls you in to discuss your future mission and you haven't had "the talk" with your parents. Tell him you aren't going. The reasons are yours alone and if he speaks with your parent(s) before you do then you will see to it personally his honor and trustworthiness no longer exists in his Ward,stake or community. Calling the bishop a liar and untrustworthy in F/T meeting can be very effective

Gatorman

Gatorman



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2016 07:34PM by gatorman.

If your mom knew that you posted on an exmormon message board hmmm? Yes it would probably disappoint her but she would get over it. You are stronger than you think and so is your mother. Good luck to you.

join the military



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2016 01:20AM by Dave the Atheist.

I did both and the military (Air Force) was been quite valuable in my fifty+ years since. It trained me in electronics, helped pay for my college education, permitted me to buy my first home with no down payment and even now I am able to get much better dental insurance at a much lower cost thru the VA. I can even get a free burial if I choose to be interred in a National Cemetery.

Mormonism, on the other hand, has only given me lies and grief. Honestly, I am unable to recall one damn thing of value which has ever come to me as a result of peddling a false church on the unsuspecting. My mission was really a complete waste of my time when I could have been doing something much more worthwhile like watching tv reruns.

I proudly tell others I am honorably discharged whereas I almost never mention my mission to anyone. I truly wish it had never happened.

My brother and i joined the military to get away.

It's too late for them. Save yourself.

All the above have given you excellent advice. They would be your best choices. You would be well served to get away from your mother and father and separate from them ASAP.

However, I think you are looking/asking for a quick, easy, non-confrontational way out. It may be cowardly, immature, and dishonest BUT have you thought of finding a doctor or psychotherapist who would give you a medical/psychological excuse? At least an excuse that would buy you some time until you are accepted into a college away from home (and not and LDS school) would get you to your legal age of 18. I know that before going on a mission you must get a physical exam. Would it be possible to find a compassionate apostate or non-LDS doctor who would help you out? I think a psychotherapist could easily suggest you are suffering from generalized anxiety and it would not be recommended that you serve for a year or two.

Just a thought.

"I think a psychotherapist could easily suggest you are suffering from generalized anxiety and it would not be recommended that you serve for a year or two."

From what I've read on this BB and heard from Mormons over the years, anxiety disorder/clinical depression is one of the most frequently cited reasons for missionaries to come home early. I knew a couple of cases on my mission 40 years ago, and a couple more in my old ward.

felix expressed this very well.
<<I think parents sometimes feel pressure from their peer group church friends to have their child meet all the church's expectations ie - "every young man should serve a mission." If this requirement isn't met she thinks she has failed some how.>>


Some mormons who are otherwise very good parents fall into the trap of pushing their kids into things for which they're not yet ready and in some cases will never be ready just because of what all the other members of the ward will think when X doesn't happen at the age X has been designated to happen. I had a sister who was terrified of baptism. She was unable to articulate her reasons, so we don't know if it was a literal fear of being dunked under the water or a fear of something more symbolic that baptism represented to her. It was the sister just older than I, so I remember the whole thing well. She cried every night for weeks before the event. I was told that she told the bishop she did not want to be baptized, but it didn't seem to matter. On the big day, she was pulled into the font crying, was dunked, and then comforted afterward. My parents could have been worse -- they could have belittled her after the fact instead of being sympathetic, but that's not really the point. A little eight-year-old girl did not want to be baptized. That should have been the end of it until she decided she was ready.

My mission was essentially the same thing. I went to appease my mother. At least I picked up fluent Spanish and developed a few carpentry skills in the process. It was otherwise worse than a waste of my time.If I'd been sent to Boise or to Oklahoma, I wouldn't even have those factors in my favor.

At the time, it seemed that it might kill my mother when I married a Cuban nevermo out of the temple. For what it's worth, Jillian offered to join the church and play the game if it would make my life easier, although she said we had to get married in a public setting then wait the required year before going through the temple because she would not exclude her own parents from her wedding. The funny thing was that this cardinal sin that was supposedly going to kill my mother didn't kill her after all. She's stronger than ever, and loves my wife as though she were her own daughter. My children are not second-class citizens among the other grandchildren.

Mormons do this sort of thing with entirely too many milestones, with missions being the very worst of the lot in my opinion because it's such a long-term commitment and they come at such a crucial point in one's development. In my opinion, it happens not so much because most of the parents fear for their offspring's immortal souls or anything like that. It's all about saving face with the neighbors.

Someone mentioned the importance of financial independence to some degree. You may have an idea as to just how necessary that will be in your particular case based on how your brothers' situations were handled, but it's still wise to be prepared.

I believe it was Dave the A. who first brought up the military as a solution. That's really not a bad idea if your other options are limited, or maybe even if they aren't. Get a study guide for the ASVAB so that you will score well and therefore have more options. You may even be able to do an ROTC program where the military pays in advance for your education in exchange for an obligation of so many years (often it's six, but I don't think that's etched in stone), which will allow you to serve as an officer.

You have options. Don't go on the mission to please anyone else
-- even your mom. Once in awhile it works out OK, but it seems that those situations are rare. Live YOUR life.

Mormons feel obligated to fit mormon expectations which are sometimes good but are often bad. This is the same feeling young teens have when they try to fit in with their peer group.

Non-mormons usually mature and find their true authenticity which frees them from constant worry about what others think of them. Mormons are saddled with this worry for a lifetime.

Unfortunately, their kids suffer if they can't or won't follow church expectations. They might feel uncomfortable in white shirts. They might hate praying in public or giving talks. They might want to take up hobbies that aren't mormon-like. They might not want to be dunked in the temple for dead people or do church callings. They might hate the idea of giving up a portion of their lives to a mission or to a church that doesn't suit them or ring true. The trouble is parents who are subject to peer pressure and think they can't hold their heads up unless their kids are clones of the mormon ideal.

two arrows I give to you.

1. I don't have a testimony.
2. (The flaming arrow) The M word.

You can also put in and if you go foreign, see the world till they send you home. If you go state side, just say the M word.

In life, most know there is a pink elephant in every situation. Everyone tries to look around it and pretend honesty. In your case the pink elephant is the fact your mom wants you to go, but you don't want to. You can dance around it hoping the big guy will just go away.

From years of experience negotiating labor agreements I always found it best to name what the elephant is and deal with it directly. "Mom, you want me to go on a mission, but I really don't want to. I love you and value all you've done for me. Don't take it personal. It's about me, not you. Got any more of those great cookies."

Get it done now so you can take it off your plate and get busy living your last year of school. If you don't there will be regrets. Live now, my friend, because everything will change in your life beginning next spring!!!

Welcome to the club.

This is exactly the way we all felt (at 17, or another age). Elders get pregnant with that feeling too, in that way... They don't want to disappoint thier posterity, or 'church'/ FAMILY!

ROCK AND HARD PLACE KID.

Act now or there will never be peace or happiness...

I post this every few months "for those struggling with missionary service." I hope you'll find it helpful.



Things to tell any LDS missionary (or anyone that does not want to be a missionary).

1. You are an ADULT. Think and act like it. As an adult, you make choices and you are responsible for those choices regardless of who influenced you to make the choice and regardless of what type of persuasion was used.

2. If you choose to discuss your sex life with someone who has ulterior motives, regardless of whether the discussion was supposedly in confidence, you can reasonably expect that someone to use that information to coerce you. Knowledge is power. The more someone knows about you, the more power they have over you. Confession in the LDS culture invariably comes back at you in the form of coercion.

3. You are a VOLUNTEER. As such, you are in a superior position. The LDS church is asking you for your help. If you chose to extend your kindness to the church by VOLUNTEERING to perform some kind of function, the church needs to understand its position as the recipient of charity. If any mission president, stake president, bishop or other so called leader makes demands of you, remind him that beggars can't be choosers and he is in no position to demand anything of you, AN ADULT VOLUNTEER.

4. Money + passport + clear thinking = freedom.
You are an adult, you are a volunteer, there is no binding contract. You can be a missionary on Sunday and a tourist the rest of the week if you so choose. You don't need their permission to be a missionary. You can go knock doors anywhere you want at anytime without anyone's permission, blessing, calling, or setting apart. You don't need anyone's permission to be a tourist at anytime. You can tour anywhere you choose at anytime. It's your belief system that both limits and empowers you.

5. In the United States, they cannot 'send' you home. They can only coerce you into agreeing to go home. In the USA, you have the option of telling the mission president you will go home on your schedule, not his. If he has trouble understanding that, I'm certain the local police will help him understand the you are a FREE ADULT, not an indentured servant.

6. I'm not sure about the visa requirements in a foreign countries as far as a mission president being able to send you home. Research the law before you go so you'll know what kind of legal power a mission president has in the country you are going to, but in the USA they cannot 'send' you home.

7. Take a credit card, a telephone calling card, and a photocopy of your passport with you. That's what any rational adult would do. DO NOT TELL ANYONE about them. They are your ticket out. Keep your options open.

8. Take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep. Make sure you eat right. Make sure you are safe. Make sure you are healthy. Make sure you keep private matters private. That all sounds obvious. What isn't obvious to some missionaries is that obeying rules does not relieve one from natural consequences. If people around you are not allowing you to take care of yourself, they are not your friends. Simply tell them that you are not available for whatever it is they want you to do. If they as why, simply say you don't care to discuss that. Do not present your reasons for debate. You are an ADULT. You do not have to defend your reasons for your decisions. You do have to live in the environment you create with your decisions.

9. Print this out and take it with you.

One more thing. You know that story about putting fleas in a jar with the lid on and after awhile they'll only jump high enough to not hit the lid? When you take the lid off and the fleas won't jump out of the jar.

As long as you think of yourself as anything other than an INDEPENDENT ADULT, you will never jump out of the jar.