Honestly, people say that time will heal all wounds.

But shoot. Sometimes you just wish that someone would develop a little bit of "Emotional Ibuprofin" to get some real, FAST-ACTING relief NOW - when you need it most.

It's been a good several years since the falling out with the "family." A good while since the "friends" turned their backs on the anti-mormon, apostate sympathizer.

And for what? Because I started asking the wrong kind of questions? Because my honest pursuit of a strengthened testimony led me to seek clarification regarding doctrine which I misunderstood, but leaders thought best left buried in obscurity?

I was giving everything I had to these people. Everything to this institution. I was fully invested. Therefore, it naturally followed that I was to lose everything upon their "inspired" closure of my proverbial account.

It hurt. A lot. It hurt like Hell. But when the pain begins to numb and you see that the world WILL and IS continuing on, what more is there to do than pick yourself up, dust off your jeans, and KEEP. MOVING.

I've moved a quite a ways from that spot on the ground that kept me drowning in a paralyzing, seemingly inescapable ocean of despair. I was alone then, yet the solitude taught me the value of myself. And not just...Michael, son of Heavenly Father and future holder of the Melchizedek Priesthood.

No. It was the value of....Just Michael.

Just. Michael.

No longer a mere number within the ranks of "the group," I finally gained the wisdom to seek that which is best in me.

I've grown so much stronger.

And yet, through it all.....

The familiar throb of the fall can still come back around, just as powerful as on the day on which you stumbled.....and lost your seemingly immobile footing.

Those of you who have been here.....

Did it ever go away for you?


Somehow, when I'm by myself....lying in bed at the end of the day, I still wonder if I made the right choice to walk out on it all.

And then....I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of D&C 1:14.

Because even though I can try to not like my family for what they did....and do.....to me since becoming Just Michael.....

I will always love them. And I am afraid that someday I will no longer be able to see them.

I just want to do the right thing.




This is what the Church is to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-meJHF5QeY&feature=related

At least those whose hearts do not uniformly resonate
different from you.

The more people you know, the more you can incorporate others that also do not participate- the less power over you will bein those that do.

Grief takes time. I believe you might be saying that you are grieving a closeness that isn't any more - except it would be except you believe differently, and that they, they just won't let it be. And that's a grief.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2010 12:56AM by paintinginthwin.

Wow! Thanks for sharing. Especially the link. It really clicked for me. For me.... the most painful is my family loving me for what I did in the church, or what my goals were within the church. To me that is unconditional love. Even when they invited me to their homes, it was the pain or the desperation in their eyes. I felt like their "project".

What gets me through this is reading, studying, etc..... outside of the church doctrines over and over. That is the real world. The church is a fantasy. My time will no longer be waisted there, but..... I do wish things were different with my family. The sharp pain will never go away.... but can be lessened by just loving and trusting yourself.

It has been 4 years for me. Usually I'm ok and moving on with my own life and my own family but every now and then it feels like the first week since it all blew up. I just found out a month ago one of my siblings is getting married. I used to be very close with her, best friends. To not be included or wanted was hard for me. For a week I just sat around and cried thinking maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe I should have just went along with the mormon lie, but no because I have small children and I don't want them to ever be involved with the cult. I feel better now but to awnser your question I don't think it ever goes away completely. Keep your head up! There will be more good days than bad.

I hear you.
It took me about three years to come to where I could accept that it was okay. Part of that came about fairly recently when I suddenly realized that despite all of the pain and the abandonment, self doubt and being mad as hell, that I was actually coming to a point where I am thankful that the church is not true. Thankful.

Thankful that I won't really be damned, that my family won't really be taken away by God, that promising to serve the church is the only key to salvation (it really is the only covenant that you are held accountable for). And thankful that God loves me whether I am mormon, christian, atheist or fully unaware of religion. Thankful that all the fear held over my head was only manmade.

Thankful to know who my real friends and family are, even when that is a painful realization.

For me, I WAS thankful that my church friends were real friends, and not like the party friends who disappeared as soon as I went straight and started attending church. I WAS thankful that I had such loving parents who supported me (and I understood and forgave them for the childhood beatings).

I WAS thankful, but now see that friends and family will drop you like a spider if you choose to leave THEIR tribe.

Today, I AM thankful that my real friends and family are my wife and kids who left with me, and my nonmember friends who never cared one way or the other about churchy stuff.

It is painful and it is scary, but if it is not true then it cannot harm you if you abandon it. And if it was true, it would be manifest to more people than just temple worthy mormons.

And as I heard in a sermon yesterday, even if you abandon God and cuss his name, even if you never speak to him again, He will still be there waiting for you because he loves you just as you are.

The real God is so much better than the prideful manmade mormon god who was once a man like us. (for that spirit which is in you will have power over you when you die)

You were not rich, but very wealthy.

to fill your heart with other things. You'll be OK. Takes a little time, usually.
You're doing fine.