faboo Wrote:
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>
> My parents are resolute in their decision to cut
> off financial support. What's worse is that my
> father refuses to even acknowledge me. I called on
> Mother's Day, and my dad just said nothing and
> walked off when my mom offered him the phone. She
> started crying and said she had to go.
>
Emotional withdrawl is a classic tool of abusers. It could be that he's just grieving. But he could be trying to send a message. You probably have a sense of which it is, based on past behaviors. Perhaps his behavior is sending a strong message your mother's way, as well. That his love is conditional. Do you think he told her she had to get off the phone?
> I've pretty much made up my mind to go back home
> and start living life on my own terms. The problem
> is my parents are obviously taking it very hard.
> My mom has been talking about how her only purpose
> in life is to make sure we all get to the CK
> together, and how she'll do anything necessary to
> push for that.
>
I hope you aren't going to live with THEM.
It's not your fault your mother built all her hopes and dreams on a fantasy of having perfect children who would conform to her faulty beliefs.
How can she be responsible for your salvation? She CAN'T make you believe OR attend. According to Mormon beliefs, even JESUS can't force that on you. Where there is no POWER, can be no responsibility. Period. I think I've used that line before with my parents.
Which brings up another point. Why are the faithful Mormons effectively punished by losing their loved ones who leave the church in the eternities when THEY did what they believed to be right? That's not justice.
Do imperfections, or having a different set of beliefs REALLY make someone unworthy of LOVE in the afterlife?
> I realize I won't be able to count on them for
> help in transitioning into my adult life because
> of this, but at the same I really ache to hear her
> say stuff like that. Doesn't she realize life is
> so much bigger than the confines of Mormon
> doctrine?
>
Guess not. In fact, maybe THEY haven't transitioned to adult life yet. And yes, when she says stuff like that, she's being hurtful.
> How have others here dealt with this kind of
> thing? I've been trying to give my mom lots of
> reassurance, telling her that I love her, that
> she's important to me, and that I'm grateful for
> everything she's done for me until now. She in
> turn tells me she loves me and that I'm a fine
> person, but that I'm basically messing up her
> purpose in life, and that she's heartbroken that I
> don't believe in the church anymore.
>
That's kind of you to reassure her, and I think it's the loving thing to do. But honestly, it sounds like YOU are carrying too much blame here. It's normal for parents to be disappointed when they think their kids are making a big mistake. But when there is a disagreement about a lifepath, they need to step back once the decision is made.
I think you can comfort, but shift the responsibility back to her for her own feelings. She should know that it's not right to have a lifelong plan for how adult children are going to believe and behave (beyond expecting children to grow up to be responsible and law-abiding citizens).
> That's not even touching on my dad. He hasn't
> uttered a word to me in days, and I suspect that
> won't change for awhile.
>
Silent treatment is NOT a healthy way to deal with disagreement. Don't grovel. Here are some suggestions for dealing with silent treatments:
behavior.
http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk/2010/06/the-silent-treatment-how-to-respond-to-your-partner-when-they-refuse-to-speak.html> How have others on this board dealt with similar
> issues? These are my parents, so I love them, and
> I'm genuinely sorry that they're hurting. At the
> same time, though, I know I can't compromise
> myself. It's just hard to know how to engage them
> and offer support for the pain they're going
> through.
>
Offer support for the pain THEY are going through? This sounds a bit like role reversal . . . you are trying to nurture your parents, meanwhile, they are are inflicting pain and hardship on YOU to get their way. They have cut your education short (mid-program, no less), your Dad is giving you the silent treatment, and yet somehow they have cast themselves as the victims.
Don't buy into that. Sure, they are upset. But they have been controlling, manipulative and abusive.
I think you need to set some boundaries with them. You have to right to be angry that they tried to CONTROL your religious practice, and then THREATENED to withdraw support and then cut your education short on such short notice. Then your father withdrew from the relationship by giving you the silent treatment. This behaviour is WRONG and ABUSIVE.
My recommendation is to get yourself far enough away from your parents that you can heal from their controlling and abusive ways. Read some books by Patricia Evans on abuse, so you can recognize more quickly when they are crossing boundaries or being abusive. Emotional manipulation or abuse hurts less when you can see it for what it is (what the tactic is). It loses some of its effectiveness when you can label it, and respond to it appropriately, and sometimes it's almost humorous.
I also think that although your mother is causing you pain, she might also be a victim of your father's ways.
The way they are behaving surely can't be just this instance. My guess is that there has been controlling crap like this going on your whole life.
Best of luck.
> Thanks.