I first got in contact with my birth mom a few years ago. We emailed for a while. Met her once, but she didn't take it well. She still has a lot of regret over the past and is frequently depressed/suicidal.

I text her every once in a while to see how she's doing, but I can never truly connect. It's hard to say it, but she feels like just another acquaintance. I feel like I can connect more with my aloof boss at work than my own mom. I call her by her first name and still don't know much about her since she's really guarded.

It's kind of sad to realize that we're so separate and incompatible. A lot of this has to do with my LDS upbringing. I feel like I've tried everything.

I'm bad at expressing my feelings in person and I've been called an emotionless robot/anti-social, but I truly feel sad about this situation and want to do something about it.

Do you have any advice?

Thanks!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/25/2016 07:43PM by xe.

I wish I had some advice for you. But I don't.

Was able to find my birth son in 2005 through the help of a social worker who traced him through vital statistics in the state he was born. Turns out he was adopted there too, to an LDS couple - it was with LDS Social Services who still maintain a tight ship w/closed adoption records so birth children get stymied and so do birth parents when trying to locate each other.

Without the social worker I may never have found him. He was eager and excited when we first met, until his adoptive mom got wind I'd found him, and she flipped out. She has forbade him to have any contact with me, so he cut it off. His favorite two relatives from his adoptive family (his grandma and father,) both wanted him to meet me really badly. But his adoptive dad died in 1998. And his mom has kept a tight rein on him since.

My understanding is she threatens him with disinheritance, and she has some money. So he capitulated to her demands.

He hasn't got to meet his half-siblings or me yet, and it's been over ten years since we found each other. It was really hard on me and my children at first. They wanted to meet him as badly as I did (well maybe not quite as much!) Both he and my other son worked in the movie industry at the same time in Hollywood/Burbank. Their careers like their lives overlapped. My mom went to the same film/acting school he did when she was 20 (he went when he was 30.) He was/is a singer/actor/poet writer, etc. All the things that run in my family, and no one in his adoptive family share any of his traits - physical or otherwise.

It's sad we haven't got to meet yet. The social worker who found him for me told me LDS are the most referrals she gets because of its closed system. And that the adoptive parents like LDSSS is the only adoption agency she has ever worked with that goes to great lengths to erase the birth families. I was cheated, but my birth son was cheated even more than I was. He didn't even have a full medical history on us when we found each other, or any history whatsoever.

Maybe someday he'll come around. I wonder if it will be either after his adoptive mom dies. Or maybe after I die, and he'll feel safer making contact with his half-siblings.

Wish you well. There's so many painful parts of the adoption triad. The adoptee is the one who suffers the most out of the three. If your mom had any idea what you're going through, I'm sure she wouldn't keep you wondering or waiting.

She may have a detachment disorder, from what you describe. She hasn't come to terms with her past, perhaps. There may be things that have happened you'll never really know about her. Hopefully you'll find some peace, like I've had to do not being able to connect with my birth son.

((((Hugs))))

I don't have any experience with either position--being the birth mother of a child adopted or being the adopted mother of a child. But I am a mother, and I think you could give your mother a real gift, a gift of a sense of who you are as a person and that you are basically okay.

If you can do this and as they say, just let it go without looking for anything back) because she may not be capable of giving back).

In any case, I think that you might be giving yourself a gift as well--the recognition that you are a good and valuable person on your own without recognition from anyone else!

One thing occurred to me as I was washing dishes and finishing up making a pot of stew is this, that since you know who your birth mother is now, and although she may be distant - are there other relatives on that side of your family you could introduce yourself to? Maybe you have half-siblings say, or aunts, uncles, cousins. Perhaps a living biological grandparent or more than one. It's not all that uncommon for birth children to find out they have full siblings. And then there's your birth father, if you have any info on him - that's another possibility.

My mom never stopped counting my birth son as one of her grandchildren til the day she died. He was as much a part of her family as any of the grandkids she was acquainted with.

You may have other relatives besides your mom who'd love to meet you, and could shed more light on your birth mother ....

You've only met her once. I would think you'd have to spend a lot more time with her to have any hope of having a better connection. There is only so much you can do through phones and email when you are trying to build a relationship.

Hi xe, I'm not sure why you would blame yourself for her moods or behavior. If she is not a "happy" person, it is not your responsibility to "make" her happy.

On the other hand, if you have mood disorders, it might be helpful to your docs know more of her history.

But with your birth mom, it doesn't sound like you should take her non-communication personally, but like she comes with issues all her own.

I grew up in the same house with my biological parents, and except for physical features, you would have never guessed that I "belonged" to either of them. I wasn't mom's "favorite," and I was used by both parents for their convenience. I didn't really start becoming self aware until I escaped them at age 18. Neither one of them loved me, but habit or longing kept me in touch with them until I was 40, when I finally woke up to the fact that my love was a one-way street.

I wasted a lot of time and resources trying to get something that I never could - their acceptance of me, as I am.

If I could return to an earlier time, I would invest my efforts with people willing to do the same for me. Blood relation can be completely meaningless without love.

I would focus more on my goals, and work on my own issues - I try to take care of myself to my best ability.

You have to do what's right for you, and maybe that includes letting your birth mom be who she is - reclusive and sad. You don't have to "own" that.

Not all connections with a bio parent go well. It can be a very difficult relationship.
You asked for advice, so here is mine. Take her "as-is" and accept what she is willing to share. It's OK. She has some serious mental health problems, apparently which you cannot cure.
The rest of my advice is: "Let It Be" like the song!
Just be grateful for what you have.

For an adoptee who wants to meet her birth mom, it isn't as easy as just letting it be, or being grateful for what she/he has. Adoptees even adopted as early as one day old, always carry a deep primal wound that never heals when they're cut off from their birth mothers. A well known book for the adoption triad is titled "Primal Wound," to address this for the children of adoption, and their parents (adoptive or bio,) in the triad. It never goes away.

Being able to connect with a birth parent especially for those adoptees who wish to, is a healing step that helps them deal with that anguish only the adoptee has to live with every day of their lives.

The adoptee had zero power in being relinquished, and still feels powerless now - in light of feeling rejected all over again by birth mom. No matter why birth mom is rejecting her; it's overwhelming to be put in that position.

There are more male adoptees who don't handle the idea of a second rejection nearly as well as female adoptees; so they are more likely not to want to meet their birth mothers than women are for that reason. Women, being the more natural "feelers" and the emotional ones of the sexes as well as nurturers, are more inclined to seek after their birth families for healing and identifying with 'someone' who shares their DNA.

In this case of XE, if her mom is truly unavailable because of mental illness, I would want to try and find other family members outside the adoption triad who may be more available (emotionally and otherwise,) who could be a bridge to her mom, or at least give her a sense of identity - her 'own' identity. Something an adoptive family, no matter how well meaning &/or loving, can never substitute or give her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/26/2016 10:30AM by Amyjo.

You describe your mother as depressed and frequently suicidal. You say you have a better relationship with your aloof boss. Your boss probably isn't struggling with a debilitating illness that interferes with personal relationships. Please don't feel responsible for this. You have no control over you bio mother and you absolutely cannot change her no matter what you do. She is clearly dealing with her own struggles which in all likelihood don't have anything to do with you.

Okay, you know what you want, but you seem to be discounting what your biological mother wants.

I have some suggestions. I am a mom of eight and have little in common with some of my own blood children. I love them anyway and have found some ways to create conversation when we don't share interests.


1. FOOD. Everyone eats and most women cook. Tell her you were wondering if she had a good recipe for XXX. You're not happy with the one you have and you're asking around looking for a more traditional one.

2. HEALTH. You share genes, so you can talk about your tendency to crave sugar, salt, or whatever and ask her about her health history. You can also ask advice about what she uses or used for painful periods, or ? You get the idea.

3. GENEALOGY. You need her help because you are creating a big family tree for your dining room wall. You are looking for photos for the tree too, if she has them.

4. NATURE. Most people enjoy natural beauty and you don't have to do much talking on hikes or even a chance drive. That's where one drives and the other says left or right and you just turn and see what's out there.

5. CARDS. Don't know how old your mom is, but some older people have fond memories of games like pinochle or gin rummy. My mom played cribbage and never taught me how to play. Ask her to teach you.

6. CHURCH. Is she active or a member of some other church, then invite her to a ladies luncheon or a retreat or a speaking event with a popular preacher she might like.

7. BOOKS. Is she a reader? Find out what she's reading and read the same thing and ask her questions about it.


If you ask her questions, make them about her favorite recipes or games and try to keep them in the present tense. Sounds like your mother is afraid she'll be judged by you--and she already feels guilty.

Don't give up, even if mom is a little rude. Think of how many people have gotten the job just because they kept coming back about it. Persistence pays off and you have to have a thick skin. She may think you are after something (money, attention, her car--people can be suspicious).

If she asks you why you keep calling, say you don't know, you just feel drawn to her and really want to be friends.

Best of luck, honey, and remember that it's not personal if she rejects you. She's on that mental health spectrum somewhere, just like the rest of us, and she just might not be in a place that allows her to appreciate a daughter like you.

I see so many lonely old ladies out here, I know they would kill to have someone show a little interest in them. If mom keeps avoiding you, visit a nursing home and make an old lady's day!



Kathleen

Sorry you are dealing with this. Read up on "adoptee rejection",aka "secondary rejection". Deanna Shrodes is a good one to look up.

Unfortunately, I have a relative who is about to give up his 2nd child for adoption. (He already surrendered the 1st child to his parents.) So that's 2 times termination of parental rights.

In his case, and his 2 baby mama's case, there is substance abuse and mental health issues.

Even if those aren't issues with your mom, the shame and guilt has got to be huge, even a mentally healthy person would hide from that.

I know of only a few people who met their birth mother and it did not go well for any of them. Two of them discovered that an elder sister was actually their mother, only one was an adoptee.

Sometimes, people are raised by women who do not bond with them and then reject them at some later point, leaving the child no idea who their mother really is or who their own self is.

Other people have experienced what you are experiencing right now - you are not alone.

Do not be defined by your relationship with your birth mother - she gave you half of your genetic structure but even genes do not define us; your relationships with your friends are the relationships that define you.

It is a grief that doesn't go away, for the adoptee. No matter how well meaning people may try to be, there is no hiding or escaping from their longing and needing to identify with where they came from.

Some adoptees don't want to learn about their ancestry or where they came from. They are perfectly content to let that part of their past escape them.

Others need to know. They need to understand their birth mother. Why were they given up? What common things might the adoptee have inherited personality wise, healthwise, looks wise, and temperament wise?

The longing for family for these yearning souls is not an unhealthy one. It is very natural and healthy to want to connect to their families of origin. To suppress that need or deny it is what is unhealthy for these adoptees.

Even if her mom doesn't come around, XE is still at an emotional advantage for wanting to learn and understand her biological mom, and for trying to connect with her.

If it were me, I'd tread softly and try to break the ice gently and with some compassion for her mom who suffers with depression and God knows what else. Until or unless her mom forbids her any contact or communication I don't believe her striving will be in vain to attempt to gain a better understanding and hopefully relationship with her mother.

Where there is life there is hope. XE has hope, and her mom is still alive. I wouldn't give up yet. Perseverence may take time, but she will in the meantime also keep open the possibility her mom will become more aware of her, and/or xe may find other relatives that shares her DNA. They are out there. It's a question of timing and not giving up.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2016 10:13AM by Amyjo.