Hi all,

I've been lurking on Exmormon.org for quite some time now. I've recently decided to leave the Church behind. I've never actually drunk coffee before, and I'm too embarrassed to ask friends/co-workers, but what I would like to know is this: How the heck do I order coffee? What do I say if I'm asked how I like my coffee?

I don't want to walk into a Tim Hortons and look like a complete fool. I figured you of all people may understand my predicament.

Thank you in advance and I'm open to any and all suggestions!

CL.

Here's an easy start. Go to a diner like Denny's and order a coffee. Ask for cream and sugar and experiment with those. Find out how much cream and sugar you like by trial and error.

Just buy coffee at a nice gas station that has an assortment of brews. They usually have artificial sweeteners like Splenda, and a variety of creamer flavors. My favorite is vanilla caramel. This time of year, try pumpkin spice.

I'm on the road a lot, so I keep a refillable mug that I can use at any gas station.

McDonald's and Dunkin Donuts have pretty good coffees too.

I don't know how Tim Hortons does it (I am assuming: NOT like Starbucks!!!), but it should be fairly easy because the only options are sugar or not, and cream/milk or not.

Sugar should be on the table, so you can do as you like with that.

"Cream"/milk may be on the table as well, in a little pitcher, so you can try it or not, as you like.

Sugar cuts down on the bitterness of coffee...cream/milk "softens" the mouth feel.

[Disclosure: the way I drink "coffee" is...

1) Put cold milk into a cup (for me: about a cup of milk)...

2) Add a few drops of liquid stevia (a natural "sugar-like" substitute made from the leaves of a plant; it is NOT an "artificial sweetener")...

3) Add a heaping teaspoon of organic instant coffee (I get mine from Whole Foods)...

Stir and let sit for a few minutes until the coffee has dissolved in the milk.

This is because I like coffee flavor (as in candies...or ice cream, etc.), and because I use it basically as a necessary superfood...but I do NOT like actual coffee (and never have---for me, it is too bitter and too intense).]

Be warned about that stevia-stuff, though, it can work as a strong laxative. So don't try that away from home, if you are not aware whether you are sensitive or not.

I started out with gas station coffee that was about half hot chocolate and half regular coffee. Now its all coffee with a dash of some kind of flavored creamer such as coconut creme, caramel, Irish creme, etc.

As for ordering coffee in a cafe, I always just ask for coffee and use the table creams in those little sealed cups, and sugar. I never have ordered from Starbucks as I don't understand their lingo and wouldn't know a frapicino from a latte or sizes.

Black coffee isn't a choice for me yet, but I'm slowly migrating in that direction.

I live in the NW not too far from Starbuck's HQ.

I've been in SB with friends but never order anything, like you I don't know the lingo.

Just can't order a 12 oz regular drip coffee. No such thing exists at SB, it's a Grande, double shot Guatemalan select expresso and it's only $7 with a mandatory 20% tip.

Go to Denny's, McDonalds, or just your local restaurant/café. I'm a little partial to Denny's, they serve 'Farmers' brand coffee, it just tastes good to me.

I'm a new coffee drinker, too, and have discovered that it is easy to order a basic coffee in Starbucks. Just ask for a tall drip with room. They usually have either a dark or medium roast, so tell them your preference. 'Room' means there will be space for half and half and sugar, which you can find on the table with the sugar, etc. tall means the smallest size.

I order plain medium roast coffee and then add cream and honey. Nothing fancy for this old farmer.

RB

To get the hang of having coffee black (without sugar or cream), everyone should try a plate of waffles or pancakes, drowned in butter and syrup of course, and alternate bites of the waffles/pancakes with a sip or two of the coffee. The sweetness (of the syrup) and the bitterness (of the coffee) nicely complement each other.

Or... get yourself a small coffee grinder and small coffee maker. Grind your own beans in small quantities and make your own. If you get decent whole beans, your black coffee should be pretty palatable. Then you can experiment with cream and sugar and see if you like it that way, or black.

Everything else.... pumpkin lattes, caramel machiattos, etc, are just , IMHO, adding a bunch of excess sugar, fat and calories and don't even qualify as "real" coffee.

However, regular lattes (with milk only, cappachinos, espresso, etc) are just different ways to brew coffee and differ in that and in their strength.

Personally, I can't stand sweetener in my coffee. I used to drink it black until I experienced Army coffee and THAT most definitely needed cream to make to drinkable.

To get used to the taste of coffee I used to suck on coffee-flavored candies during church (it's silly, but they made me feel rebellious). Now I almost exclusively drink black coffee. Depending on the weather I suggest you try iced coffee sometime, too. The cold takes away some of the bitterness.

Coffee for a beginner is a sipping drink. Denny's, Waffle House, any diner that has a lot of traffic. The traffic tells you good enough food, coffee stays fresh.

Order your meal, "Gimme some dem scramb..." Just kidding. Say your meal choice then say "coffee" then say "ice water" or any cold drink you like. If there's no cream or sugar on the table, say, "May I have plenty of cream (and sugar), please?" They usually bring a little dish with several individual serving creamers.

The cold drink is because a cup of coffee is not enough for hydration, and you may want it, anyway.

Your coffee and water will arrive first. Put a couple of creamers into the coffee, and two-three packets of sugar. If the creamer is in a tiny pitcher, add about an ounce to your coffee. Stir well.

It may be very hot, so bring the cup slowly to your lips, and carefully test the heat. It's okay to stir it to cool it, or add an ice cube or two, more cream and/or sugar. Lots of people toy with their coffee at the table to get it just right.

The waiter or waitress will (should) try to keep topping off your coffee, and if you don't want any more (yet), just say no thanks or not ready yet. When you want more, push the cup and saucer toward the edge of the table nearest the aisle. If you don't want any more at all, either lay a napkin over the cup, or turn the cup upside down on the saucer.

I suggest you don't start off with the flavored creamers (vanilla, spice, whatever) because you are trying coffee for the sake of trying coffee. Flavors are nice every now and then, but you've probably already tried all those flavors, and just want to experience coffee, first.

I recommend a diner because of the freshness of coffee and the good smells, usually friendly people, and you are sitting still being served, not fumbling alone in a car. There's nothing wrong with saying that you've never had coffee, and you want to enjoy it. Wear your biggest smile and take an empty stomach.

I don't know what climate you're in, but it's definitely fall temperatures where I am, so perfect weather for it!

Bottoms up!

I wish I could have asked you questions before my wedding night because you have a real knack for breaking it down!!!

Wedding night for a beginner is sli...

...nevermind. ;)

All kinds of good ideas. I don't like coffee myself, except for a Christmas coffee I tried somewhere . Each blend / brand taste different. There's all kinds of tea too, which was my vice when I attended church.
You can look at Timmy's web site too and see what they have in advance and of course , Google

I hate coffee.
give me tea !

One word: mocha.

All great suggestions. :)

If you end up at a coffee shop and end up overwhelmed by all the frappa-mocha-machiatto stuff, here are a few safe easy bets.

1. Drip coffee with a splash of milk and a flavored syrup. They'll usually have a list or a wall of labeled containers on display.

2. Iced coffee, or cold brew. I like mine with almond milk, and again add whatever flavor you'd like. It's a lot less bitter than brewed coffee. It's my favorite, but not as fun when the weather turns cold.

3. Latte made with chocolate milk. It's reminiscent of hot chocolate and it's an easy transition.

Good luck. It's a fun exploration. :)

At home I brew strong coffee with our Keurig and then add hot chocolate mix to it. Better than any drive through Cafe Mocha out there and cheaper too....and on a cold day, a shot of whisky works too.

RB

"and on a cold day, a shot of whisky works too."

My wife sometimes likes hers with a shot of cinnamon fireball whiskey.

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://www.ogfinewines.com/images/sites/ogfinewines/labels/t9744216pr_1.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.ogfinewines.com/spirits/Fireball-Fireball-Cinnamon-Whisky-w69682623l&h=1000&w=605&tbnid=BAMdomAguy7DrM:&tbnh=186&tbnw=112&docid=zgHGwgP0fk90eM&itg=1&usg=__3mD4vkyUL0ZFIL-fwooqmQqh01U=&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjS-7GHotbPAhXOcCYKHUv4CRwQ_B0IgQEwCg&ei=nbL-V5K5Ac7hmQHL8KfgAQ

Canadian-Lurker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't want to walk into a Tim Hortons and look
> like a complete fool. I figured you of all people
> may understand my predicament.

Too late. Just walking into a Tim Horton's does that <grin>.

First you need to figure out how you like your coffee. Me, I generally like it black. I do go for a quad-venti-latte at Starbucks now and then, though.

So don't be afraid. Walk in and try something. If you don't like it, you're only out a few bucks. If you do, now you know what to get.

Most people "new" to coffee prefer it with cream/milk and sugar because they're not used to coffee's rich bitterness. That might change over time.

Have fun!

If you like how cocoa, try a mocha. Also, your request should end in "eh?".

COFFEE 101 - AN INTRODUCTION TO GOD'S TEMPTATION

First time? Say, "I'd like coffee with cream and sugar"

If they ask you how many sugars? "two". (if its a large "four")

Here's a quick primer for first-timers so you don't feel like the newb that you are:

Coffee drinks start with one of 2 bases:
1. Coffee
2. Espresso

Let's break it down:

Both are made from roasted coffee beans (you know, the plant God put on earth to tempt the children he loves away from returning home to him. WTF kinda dad does that! Call the Interstellar Child Social Services!)

COFFEE:
- The beans are coarsely ground.
- Hot water slowly dripped through the grounds
- Takes minutes
- Uses a pot of water
- "regular" amount of coffee flavor

ESPRESSO:
- "Espresso" refers to the process, not the beans.
- Same beans
- Finely ground
- Hot water at high pressure is very quickly forced (i.e. "espressed") through the grounds.
- Takes seconds
- Uses only about a 1/4 cup of water
- RESULT: Highly concentrated coffee liquid.

So that's the genesis of all coffee drinks. You start with either "regular" coffee or highly concentrated coffee called "espresso".

Now what? Well, all the fun/confusing/crazy drinks are made from the espresso. And plain old coffee is made from, well, coffee.

COFFEE DRINKS:

1. Coffee

That's it.

NOTE: When ordering coffee you have to tell them HOW you want it.

Terms:
- The number of sweeteners = the number of those little packets they put in.
- Cream = half-and-half
- Breve = heavy cream

Sizes:
- Usually just small, medium, large. Some places you order by the oz like 8oz, 20oz, 32oz. And then of course there is the Starbucks sizing of: Short (small), Tall (med), Grande (med-large), Venti (large), Trenta (huge)"

HOW you want it, say the size, then say:

-Black
-With Cream
-Breve. Not "with breve". Just say "breve". Like this: "I'd like a large coffee, breve, with 2 sugars."
-With Milk
-With Soy milk
-With Almond milk
-With Sugar
-With Cream and Sugar
-With 2 Splenda
-With 2 Sugars, 2 Splenda, 1 Stevia, and Soy Milk
-With vanilla flavoring
-With sugar-free vanilla flavoring
-and on and on

ESPRESSO DRINKS:

Simple concept: The more you water(milk) it down, the less strong it will be.

In order of strongest to weakest:

1. Espresso = STRAIGHT UP.
They give you the straight-up espresso liquid served in a miniature cup that looks like a child's tea set. Sometimes with a twist of lemon or lime on the side or rim. This is the STRONGEST drink.

2. Americano = Espresso + Hot WATER

3. Cappucino = Espresso + Hot Milk FOAM

4. Latte = Espresso + Hot MILK

5. Cafe Mocha = Latte + Chocolate syrup. (oh yeah!) Note: Usually you just call it a "Mocha". Example: "I'll take a medium cafe mocha."

NOTE: When ordering these drinks you don't have to tell them how you want it. You just order the drink. The "only" exception would be if you want to ask for a flavoring in it. Like "I'd like a large cappuccino with sugar-free vanilla"

BONUS: At a coffee shop you can usually order ANY of the above drinks "ICED" except for straight-up espresso. Example: "I'd like an iced latte."

Now you can order coffee and know what you're talking about.

Technically there are more that are variations and twists of the above, like Flats and Macciato, etc., but that's a different class COFFEE 201 - INTERMEDIATE COFFEE WITH THE DEVIL

Great explanation. And then you can get into the "fancy" coffees like Pumpkin Spice Lattes and all sorts of candy bar flavors, Peppermint Mochas, White Chocolate, etc. They are basically Lattes (espresso and milk) with flavors added. Espresso in the Lattes comes in 2 oz. shots and depending on where you go a small may have one shot, medium may have two shots and large have three. Then the rest is milk and flavors. If you want more or less espresso you can say single for one shot, triple for three or whatever and then they'll make up the difference with the milk. You can ask for a skinny or non-fat and they'll use non-fat milk instead. Beware though that the fancy coffees are super bad for you, but thought you should get an explanation of what they are.

So,

What you should do is walk in and say I am not a big coffee drinker but I really would like to try something nice. What do you suggest.

IRL people love to help. It is just Mormons who are dickish about helping.

Love my Keurig!

"May I have a coffee, please?"




-works for me....

... you'll be underwhelmed by the shortness of a "Tall"

I asked the server -- "What?!?! is this opposites day?!?!?" They were humorless -- and mostly still are.

They DO make good specialty coffees (I try most of their "reserve" specials and don't blink at all at the $4.50 cost for a "Venti" (venti -- is 20 in italian 20oz).

Your post reminded me of my newbie days of "how do I make coffee"?

At home I'm a french-presser and I usually throw in a bit of egg shells -and-or- coconut -and-or- fresh ground nutmeg.

At home, I grind my own coffee (a decent grinder required) and drink it black. I can only drink black coffee that is fresh made. If it's been cooking for more than 20 minutes, it tastes terrible to me. If you eat a sweet pastry of some sort with black coffee, you'll be amazed at the difference in taste of the coffee. Cinnamon rolls are a weakness of mine that I severely limit or i'd weigh 300 lbs.

Once in a while I will treat myself to a Vanilla Latte with 2% milk. I love those, but not enough to buy an espresso maker. If I drank them every day I'd buy the machine and make my own because the cost of them would add up quick.

Buy a couple of flavored creamers and make coffee at home and see what you like....then go to your favorite coffee shop and order the same flavor there.

At Tims, I order a medium coffee with two cream - works every time for me. However, if you've never tried coffe, you'll probably want it sweetened a bit. Or a lot, I don't know.

If you're not sure, I'd buy a small, cheap drip coffee maker and some ground coffee from the grocery store, and experiment at home with different combinations of sugar, milk or half and half until you know what you like.

Then you'll be able to walk into Tims and confidently order your large double double or whatever!

Having tried various types of coffees, I prefer good old fashioned black coffee, with sweetener and non-fat dairy creamer.

I like to keep it sweet and simple. Could never get used to drinking coffee black without something to sweeten it. The cream or milk helps to reduce acidity in the stomach, so it has an added bonus in addition to the flavor.

If you try a cold coffee, the iced lattes are nice. McDonald's Skinny Vanilla latte is yummy. Iced Chai teas are usually very good too, if you like cinnamon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/13/2016 04:37PM by Amyjo.

I've been in Tom Hortons often.

I order their Double Double.

It's a coffee with two creams and two sugars.

Believe me, this is the way to go at Toms. And be sure to get a donut to go with the coffee.

Best regards!

Scully



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/13/2016 05:37PM by Scully.

The best coffee, IMHO, is found at the Waffle House.

They have Waffle Houses in most parts of the country, and they are open 24 hours a day. So if you are a bit uncomfortable going into a cafe to order your first coffee - and there is a Waffle House near you - go in sometime late at night, when everybody else is sleeping. :)


I ask for cream with mine, and they bring me little containers with cream in them.

They have sugar, equal, and splenda packets on the table before you ever sit down.

But I like Stevia, so I bring my own Stevia packets in with me.


Waffle House coffee is not expensive ($1.90 plus tax), and the waiter/waitress will come back to give you free refills.

They make great waffles, too.

As somebody already suggested, there's nothing better to complement your first coffee with, than a well made waffle.

Excellent breakdown Newlifenow!

Coffee (liquid evil) warms my soul. When I was first trying coffee related drinks (high school), I started with the frapuccino-esque types. That was my gateway drink. All through my 20's I liked the drinks that were sickeningly sweet, or a flavored drip coffee with cream and sugar. Now I prefer a latte slightly sweetened, brewed coffee with a little cream and sugar, and iced coffee allllll summer long. Oh, and the occasional caramel macchiato. Good luck. Have fun experimenting! One bit of advice...go easy on the espresso in the beginning. If you have too much at once (like say 3 shots in one drink) you may get very jittery. :-)

I started with those frapacinos and super sugary drinks too. In reality, food-wise, those are more related to a shake than coffee. Most adults wouldn't go to work everyday with a 32oz milkshake in their hands, but hey, let's make it coffee flavored and give it a fancy name and ka-bam! now its an adult beverage. I fell for it too and was drinking so much sugar I put on a bunch of weight. But hey, it got my BIC tastebuds aclimated to coffee, and now I'm on to the simple stuff.

My favorite drinks are:
- Cappucino
- Latte
- Coffee with cream. I rotate each day from light-roast, med-roast, and dark roast, just to keep it varied.
- Iced coffee with cream in summer.

I stop at my local coffee shop every morning on the way to work now. It's not that I'm addicted or in love with coffee. Its just that I'm addicted to giving the middle finger to that all-controlling church that ruled over me for 40 years!

"Bring me all the coffee in the land!"

My favorite coffee? all of it. Folgers, Starbucks, Maxwell House, coffee flavored icecream, coffee pie, chocolate coated espresso beans, iced coffee, Irish coffee, coffee cake.....

(...shrimp soup, shrimp sandwich, fried shrimp, shrimp salad....)

You get my point.....

applesauce

I usually order mine by the cup

"GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!"

"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."

http://www.davebarry.com/misccol/decaf.htm

Rule number one: You don't have to drink coffee if you don't like it:)

Coffee is like ice cream. Everyone likes it a certain way.

A cup of coffee is basically three things.

1-The Brew (the liquid of ground, roasted beans filtered thru hot water)

Light roasts=lighter flavor. Often described as blonde or smooth.

Dark roasts=darker, deeper, sometimes described as bitter or smoky.

2-The Creamer (Milk, Half and Half, Straight cream, Soy Milk, Almond Milk, Coconut Milk) each one will affect the calories and mouth feel of your coffee.

3-The Sweet-Sugar, Sugar in the Raw, Flavored Syrup, etc.

4-Other flavor additives-spices, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, hot cocoa, etc.

Play with the balance of these items to find your own liking.

Ordering a Mocha in a coffee shop is a pretty safe bet for a beginner. Pretty much half hot chocolate and half coffee. whipped cream optional. A white Mocha is pretty much more vanilla style.

Enjoy! Turn and report! J/K

RMM