Posted by:
Book of Mordor
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Date: October 14, 2016 11:27AM
Faith For the 21st Century
by Royal Lee Pistoff
The Desperate News
SALT LAKE CITY, Oct. 14 — Elder Quentin L. Cook delivered a memorable solo performance at yesterday's late-afternoon Church press conference. In it he revealed the Brethren's latest inspired program to root the youth of the Church ever more deeply in the nourishing soil of The Gospel™.
Elder Cook began to read from the TelePrompter. "As most of you are aware, the Church for many years has sponsored unique historical re-enactments. Commonly known as 'trek,' these re-enactments involve our youth pulling handcarts in a pioneer-style environment. This helps them better understand the struggles of their ancestors for precious religious freedom, and appreciate the faith that produced such obedience and sacrifice. Those encouraged to take part invariably find their own devotion to the Church strengthened, and gladly testify of the rich outpourings of the Spirit that they have felt on the journey. Although this increased dedication by our youth is gratifying to the Brethren, we believe that still more is now required.
"At the October 1991 General Conference, President Hinckley recounted the story of the Willie and Martin handcart companies. While I need not examine the reasons behind that little incident or other such flecks of history, it is told that they 'suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church…' (Nov. 1991 Ensign, p. 54.) I wish today to add my testimony that only through such experiences can we acquire sufficient faith in the Lord to stand firm amid the increasing trials and tribulations of these latter days. The Church needs such faith and courage to build the kingdom, increase tithing receipts and prepare ourselves to usher in the Lord's second coming and millennial reign.
"To that end, the Church has decided to make the youth 'trek' experience more authentic in order to develop the uncompromising faith of the Willie and Martin pioneers. Commencing immediately, every 'trek' is going to take place solely within the identical setting faced by those revered companies. Handcarts are no longer to be pulled across plains and prairies, but instead over the mountains of Wyoming, the very locality where those obedient pioneers passed their brief test and secured their lasting place in God's book of life. We have also shifted the timing of 'trek' from spring and summer to December through mid-February.
"Their light clothing will be minimal yet modest. They shall have scant provisions, again mirroring that of the pioneers. Also, their 'trek' is to be conducted without assistance, and all outside communication will be prohibited. All this is necessary so that our youth may learn to rely on their own faith and mighty prayer, trusting in the almighty arm of the Lord, and not the puny arm of flesh, to bear them through.
"To the easily offended who may object to the alleged risk of this improved 'trek,' I rebuke your lack of trust in the Brethren and call you to repentance, for you are in grave danger of allowing doubt to enter your souls. Doubt is a tool of Satan, and those who entertain such thoughts are far along the road to apostasy and outer darkness. As a way to demonstrate their faithful obedience, all parents in Zion will now be obligated to sign full 'trek' liability waivers as part of the temple recommend interview process.
"I promise by the authority of the holy apostleship that the Lord will permit no harm to befall any of our youth who volunteer, but only if – and I must emphasize this crucial condition – ONLY IF the youth and their parents, indeed their entire families, are without exception pure, faithful, virtuous, obedient, righteous, and worthy enough to obtain that great blessing of safe return. This must be so, for it is an eternal principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ that all blessings must be earned. 'I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.' (D&C 82:10.) To quote Elder Bruce R. McConkie: '…every blessing, other than the fact of resurrection, must be earned by obedience' (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary, Vol. 3, pp. 124-25) and also '…we cannot deceive the Lord. We cannot get from him an unearned blessing.' (Conference Report, April 1956, p. 65.) I testify this is true.
"Be advised that this program is not designed to divide the membership of the Church into classes or levels of righteousness. It is not meant to make evident to their respective wards and stakes which parents possess the faith to have their youth volunteer, and those who do not; nor is it intended to provide grounds for the faithful to look down upon and view with contempt those who have exposed themselves as faithless failures. It is not devised to elevate some families to prominence and honor, while banishing others to the depths of shame and humiliation as pariahs, covenant-breakers and utter disgraces to their Church and their Lord. We as a Church and as individuals would never act in such a manner; therefore, you are not to imagine that there is any pressure to participate in this sacred and divine program.
"Some may ask, What of the Brethren? After much discussion and prayer, we have received inspired direction on this subject. It is obviously impossible for a man to become a General Authority unless he has proven his loyalty and devotion to the Lord many times over. As high Church leaders, we have exhibited sufficient righteous behavior that, were our own families to take part, they might well reap for themselves many of the supernal blessings awaiting those who doubtless have greater need of them. We humbly submit to the Father's will, and with sorrow forfeit our opportunity to claim these great blessings, even as we have sacrificed so very much already. Know that our generous selflessness is a clear witness to the honest in heart that, as Elder Ballard said two years ago, 'We are not out of touch with your lives.' (Nov. 2014 Ensign, p. 90.) I now remind each of you that our decisions are final, and are not to be disputed or questioned by any Church member. Any criticism shall be reported immediately to the appropriate bishop or stake president for prompt disciplinary action.
"Let me assure you that this is not, as our enemies will say, yet another desperate and ill-conceived attempt to control a restless, dissatisfied membership. That is a lie of the darkest hue. Satan is literally everywhere spreading that cursed lie. Our members are happier than ever. They are not leaving the Church. There is no hint at all of any so-called weakening; in fact, as I have stated before, the Church has never been stronger.
"How do I know this? Because of my integrity, of course, for I am after all an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ. Apostles do not lie or otherwise act unethically, such as, for example, profiting from the distress of others. Privatizing a successful Marin County hospital, then becoming its lawyer, reducing its expenses by cutting health services, and bleeding it of millions of dollars with no oversight into a shell corporation created by that lawyer, in effect harming others for personal gain, is an excellent hypothetical illustration of such sleazy conduct. An apostle of the Lord could never do anything like that, or by extension even tell a falsehood. My apostolic position alone is a testament to my moral virtue. That is how I know."
After this masterful display of logic and reasoning, Elder Cook paused for a few well-deserved sips of Sprite. In the audience, a grossly fat man gorging on donuts declared that Elder Cook's expert use of chiasmus proved that his message had indeed come from God. Asked why, he boasted that his name was Daniel C. Peterson, a famous and important defender of the Church. From the ensuing blank expressions, however, it was apparent that none in attendance had ever heard of him, or even had the slightest idea what he was talking about. Peterson then proceeded to sneeze huge globules of donut jelly all over several people sitting nearby.
As Enish-go-on-dosh (or, as those addicted to pornography call it, "the sun") began to set, its rays fell on Elder Cook's face, bathing it in a golden radiance and bestowing as it were the personal endorsement of God Himself upon this marvelous press conference. Then as dusk fell, two overhead floodlights suddenly came to life and shone down on Elder Cook. His high, bald, perspiring forehead reflected the light in blinding fashion, causing many to gasp in awe and shield their eyes from the dazzling power thus manifested.
At this moment something unexplainable happened, which many interpreted as a genuine miracle, and one not experienced since the hallowed days of Nauvoo. As Elder Cook continued, his voice and speaking manner seemed to be transformed into that of the late beloved Elder Richard G. Scott, by acclamation the most brilliant and charismatic orator of this generation.
Raising his right arm like Moses or Nephi over the mesmerized masses, with all the majesty and command of Elder Scott, he droned, "Hear me, O Israel! Who’s on the Lord's side, who?" At first, a hushed silence fell; then a lone voice cried out in response to the clarion call, "I am, Elder Cook!" Others quickly followed in a swelling crescendo, "I am… I'm on the Lord's side… I am… And me… WE ARE WITH THE LORD!" A fiercely triumphant gleam blazed in Elder Cook's eyes as he extended both arms in apostolic benediction over the uplifted, tear-streaked faces gazing in adoration at one of the Lord's chosen servants.
And then each person, individually but acting as one, brought out a single Q-Tip and lit its end as though it were a candle. Holding their burning cotton swabs aloft in the gathering darkness, the crowd slowly waved them back and forth in ritual homage to the apostle standing above, as he in turn smiled benevolently down upon them. As Elder Cook at last turned and strode away, the floodlights were switched off, leaving several hundred small flickering lights swaying in the night, like fireflies that had sinned against the Word of Wisdom.
(Edited by Joseph Fielding Bednar, future General Authority)