I've been dating a Mormon guy for the last year and a half. His mother hates me because I'm not Mormon. At one point, I actually would have converted, but I've done a lot of research and there's no way I'm converting, especially seeing how she's treated me. My boyfriend says he doesn't care what his mother thinks and says there are quite a few Mormon to non Mormon marriages. Am I wasting my time? Do Mormon mother's ever come around?

It honestly all depends on the person, but I'd say if she still doesn't like you after all this time, she probably won't change. She could though. Is she any nicer than before? How often do you see her?

Well, boyfriend is currently serving a mission so I don't see her at all.
I realize a lot could happen between now and when boyfriend returns, I'm just wondering if Mormon moms will stop at nothing to have their sons marry in the church?

Heck, when he returns from his mission, HE may want to marry only in the church. You are taking a big gamble by pursuing this relationship.

You marry in the temple -

your mom and dad and siblings get (are forced) to sit outside as they are all UNWORTHY!!!

2 things may happen when he returns from his mission:

1) He may see the light (and the fraud) and want to get the farthest away from mormonism. If this happens, then you may have a good relationship and possibly marry and be happy.

2) He may see "The Light" (and ignore the fraud and all logic) and want to get married to the first TBM girl he meets. You do not fit this bill. This will make his mother very happy, along w/the church. Keep in mind that not only does his mother not want you seeing/marrying his son, the whole mormon community ALSO feels this way. Not a good way to exist when you're not mormon but almost everyone else in your and your boyfriend's/husband's life, is.


Tread carefully

Wastin' yer time...move on. Now.

How close do you live to her? Have you thought about how children would be raised if you marry?

Keep reading this board. There is much that you need to learn. Mormonism is a high-control denomination, much like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You need to know what you may be getting into should you marry your boyfriend.

I think it's time to cut your losses and move on, since when he gets back from his mission, he might want to marry someone in the church. When missionaries get home, they're under intense pressure to marry in the temple ASAP, preferably less than a year after they're home.

If you were to convert, you would still have to wait a year to be able to marry in the temple, and RM's are under too much pressure to wait that long. As I'm assuming your parents and other family members aren't Mormon, they will be banned from seeing you get married in the temple. Even if you did that, his mom would probably still hate you because converts are second class citizens.

"If you were to convert, you would still have to wait a year to be able to marry in the temple, and RM's are under too much pressure to wait that long."

Someone pls confirm or correct me on this...

*If*...the OP were to marry civilly, convert, wait 12 months, then temple marry, aren't you counselled as a good mormon to WAIT to consummate this good mormon marriage

No, that is not true. I have never heard of waiting to consummate the marriage until after a temple sealing.

This may seem kind of blunt and my apologies if your feelings are hurt. But Mormonism has some very unique cultural norms that you should be aware.

If you want to have a good chance to win your boyfriend's family over then you should get your grandparents and parents all converted. This means they should all be getting up regularly and telling everyone how happy they are to have found the true church and to be rid of the life where everyone is living without the marvelous fulness of the gospel that we got from Joseph Smith. Furthermore, you need to get the names of all their ancestors back 4 generations to your boyfriend's parents so they can have their baptisms for the dead done. Otherwise your ancestors and other dead relatives will continue to be rotting in their Spirit Prison cells.

Now another thing is that you need to establish a long history of old men having regular priesthood leader worthiness interviews with you. You will hardly fit in until you have a lot of experience being asked about whether you have ever masturbated or how far you have gone with boys in the bedroom.

And even if you have done all this then it might not be enough to satisfy the relatives due to the marvelous doctrine about people being born into the best families (i.e. they are Mormons long-time) and the other families just being lesser by comparison.

To most people outside the glorious gospel such a suggestion would seem perverted and think that Mormons are conceited self-righteous haughty people. But for those enlightened with the marvelous rays of sunshine of the LDS gospel that are high/drunk on the gifts of the Holy Ghost this is considered fine and dandy. Nevertheless most likely they will be sweet/polite to you as they are under decree to try to get as many people assimilated into the church through conversion so be prepared to have your life changed through their lovebombing. If you get a testimony too then you will feel super special and be called upon to lovebomb the rest of the world, particularly all your relatives as I've mentioned above as a step towards softening your boyfriend's family towards you.

Good luck. But make sure you first get a strong testimony that the Mormon church is the most honest and truthful church ever full of the most humble and truthseeking people ever. I'd suggest a great way to start learning is to learn all you can about the lovely Kinderhook Plates, Book of Abraham papyri, and the wagon loads of records & golden plates that Joseph said saw in the Hill Cumorah. Some people said he made it all up but any honest believer believes its all true.

If the boyfriend is on the mission he is there for one of two reasons.

First, he really believes the the Mormon church is the one true church. He will insist your children be raised Mormon even if your relationship survives with you being non-Mormon. When he is forced to choose between you and the church he will choose the church if he is a true believer. Like, for sure.

Do not think of any of this as compromising. You will give and the Mormons will take. That is how they compromise.

Also, compromise sucks. All it means is nobody wins and each only got bits of what they really wanted.

Second, it's possible that your boyfriend went on a mission only due to family pressure. This means he has not grown up and not cut the apron strings. He is not a man yet and not marriage or serious relationship material. Unless he does this--firmly and forever--the Mormon family is going to run your life. Mormon men often buckle to their parents.

The Mother is not going to come around.

Do not raise your children in a cult. Do not do that to yourself or them. Take it from an old one who has seen a helluva lot.

The day your boyfriend tells you he is leaving the church because he has realized it is not true, and has told his parents, and has told them that you come first, then you have a shot.

READ THIS ^^^^^

run run run

do not stop

do not pass go...

doesn't matter whether the bf is not mormon or jack mormon...

run run run NOW!

Having the mother "accept" you is the least of your worries. Actually, the best "acceptance" you will ever get is that she will be sickeningly sweet to you always thinking that will eventually convert you to become a Mormon.

There is no other side to it.

I am really Sorry to say, I know from experience that there is no way it will work. Please cut your losses.

Does he write personal letters to you? By that, I mean does he ever write to you outside of the myldsmail.net approved email system?

That would be the one shot you have of him being "faithful" to a faithless person. If he's called you or texted you or written you letters or used an outside email system, then he's a rebel missionary and there's a chance that he'll continue to be a rebel mormon.

But if has been a good and faithful little elder, then yeah, your chances of having a happy, fulfilling marriage are between slim and none.

Even though his mother doesn't have the priesthood, it kinda sounds like she pulls a lot of weight...

Good points

My advice? Run like hell. This is not ever going to be a "match" and your boyfriend will capitulate very quickly when pressured by mama and daddy. (Rare if he didn't!) As long as he is a believing Mormon, on any level, you are not part of his life, his family his tribe. Can't happen. You don't fit.
The sooner you get out of this relationship the better. There is nothing of value for you there.
OK. That's my two cents! :-)

I don't know but based on what I've seen in my lifetime I would say that you will never get approval from his mormon family as long as you are not one of them. Even if you join, you have been tainted and will always be a second class person to them. If you can handle coming in second in all things family, then continue to date this young man. However, if you want to be important in someone's life, then look for another future soulmate. And, just as important, date non-mormons. There are plenty of people who will be a good fit for you without you changing who you are to fit what they want you to be.

You're not marrying the mother.

Does her son car more about you than his mormon mom?

Only you can say.

if life was that simple....

He's on a mission? If he's that strong in the Church, he'd very likely give in to pressure to marry a Mormon. At the very least, he'd insist on any kids being raised in the Church.

If he leaves the church, your relationship might have a chance.

Ok so just to answer some of the posts...I am liked by his father and other family, he writes me every day from his mission and emails me ALL day on Pday. Boyfriend pretty much "rules the roost" so to speak, he does not conform to MOrmon doctrine and eventually mom gives in to him. But, Ido realize I am swimming up stream here. He's just a really sweet guy. Just really stinks that religion will get in the way!

This was very refreshing to read! He's a rebel!!

And if he's the kind of guy who wants what he wants, the two of you could be on the right track.



But...

I don't remember exactly where I heard, who said it, but it was in a meeting of older teenagers. The speaker asked, "How many of you have a boy or girlfriend you think you love and could possible marry?" A bunch of us raised our hands.

The speaker's next pronouncement was, "Statistics say that 95% of you have NOT met the person you will marry."

Please factor that in. Enjoy life, but at your age, nothing is set in concrete.

Girlfriend Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...Boyfriend pretty much "rules the roost"
> so to speak, he does not conform to MOrmon
> doctrine and eventually mom gives in to him. ...

So, then the obvious question is: why's he on a mission?

Ask him questions from the CES letter. If he does some real research but still keeps writing you, you might have something. That means you're more important than his "testimony". Better to be a Church widow sooner than later.

Careful. You could be plan B in case he doesn't land a perfect LDS girl after his mission.

I know because I had a non-Mormon boyfriend who I dumped when the right Returned Missionary came along.

If he is submissive enough to go on a mission, he will probably cave when push comes to shove to marry in the temple.

If it does work out, you will need to find a way to deal with the family. You will always be an outsider or activation project. If there is the slightest indication that he will favor his mother or his church over you over anything, it could be trouble.

Be prepared to hand over 10 percent of all your money each year.

Like the others have said: run, Run, RUN! As fast as you can.

If he's on a mission, he hasn't broken away.

Even if you "work things out," the nightmare will start all over again when/if you have children. The tentacles are long and run deep.

At some point, when he feels domesticated, he may likely think it'd be good to go to church, and guess what church he'll want to go to...?

I hate to be brutally honest, but I suspect that you'll get the heave ho at some point during his mission, or shortly thereafter. He's gonna be under intense pressure to marry ASAP when he gets back.

I'm curious how much of your year and a half has been long-distance, while he's been gone.

We've been physically together the whole year and a half. Apart now for 3months.

The lds church is very aware of this message board, just as heads up don't give too much information about your boyfriend.

Hi Girlfriend,

You said you had done a lot of research, did you discuss your research with him? Does he know you have no intention of converting? Does his Mom know that?

It's also interesting he writes you daily--do you mean snailmail or email?

What has happened that you feel his mom hates you, if you don't mind my asking. Also, his dad likes you--is his dad mormon or not?

My suggestion would be to keep learning. did he ask you to go to church while he was gone?

So nice to hear that you are ok about your parents and siblings not being allowed by you and boyfriend to attend the wedding when you get married in the temple.


Ya just don't git it....

>
> We've been physically together
> the whole year and a half.
>


So did he totally lie to the bishop and the SP about his moral suitability!? How awesome if he did!

It certainly wasn't "love at first sight" between my mom and my nevermo wife, but I think my mom liked her as a person by a-year-and-a-half. When I proposed after we'd known each other for two years, my mom had a tough time with it, though, with the lack of temple marriage and all, and it was strained through maybe close to a year of marriage. Now, I think if I walked into my parents' house and told my mom I was leaving Jillian, my mother would say they were keeping Jillian and that I needed to look for a new family.

No one else in the family ever had the trouble with Jillian that my mom had. It helped that Jillian is very much a 'kid' person, and all the nieces and nephews were all over her from day one and couldn't get enough of her. Even my dad loved her right away, and he's quite TBM.

If I had been forced to choose between my wife and my mom, I would have chosen my wife, and it wouldn't even have been a tough choice. I love my mom, but neither she nor her church is ever going to dictate how I will live my adult life.

My advice is to watch for those little times when his mom tries to come between you or to force an issue. if he sides with you consistently, your chance may be as good as anyone else's. I hate to be such s pessimist, but the ultimate success of a marriage is little more than a toss of the dice even between what would seem to be the perfect couple, although there are traits or practices in both individuals and in families that may predispose a marriage toward success or failure.

His mom is just one member of the family. If she's noticeably cool toward you, she may face pressure from other family members to knock it off. It happened in the case of my siblings and my mother when it came to my wife. If it's not just his mom who is being difficult, you're fighting little tougher battle, but that doesn't mean necessarily that both of you shouldn't still follow your hearts.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2016 11:01PM by scmd.

When my parents met my mom was inactive and my dad is a never Mormon. 4 kids later some sister missionaries found her and re activated her. Now she is a hardcore TBM. She gets upset every time he drinks coffee, wine or beer. It used to not bother her until the sister missionaries found her. She got endowed about 15 years into their marriages. Now she is very hardcore TBM, pays full tithing, regular temple trips and she does genealogy. Church takes a huge amount of time and money, I am glad that my dad has his own hobbies and money and can deal with her religiousness. My parents seem happy but religion does seem to be the elephant in the room. Many mother in laws can be hard on their daughter in laws no matter how nice the daughter in laws are.
After over 8 years of marriage I can tell you that my mother in law still thinks that nobody is good enough for her son. Last year mother in law ever gave my husband a kiss on his lips.

If your boyfriend believes in the church he will want to get married in the temple and keep the law of chastity.

If he does not believe and actually wants to resign, his family will probably will not react happy about it. The fact that your boyfriend is serving a mission clues me in that either he believes or does he is against conflict of the family. Either way is not good.

As a non Mormon? No. I married a Mormon as a non Mormon. I never fit in. He is now out. I've known others to divorce after one loses belief. When you have kids, it just gets worse.

If he actually believes in Mormonism and you have no intention of becoming a Mormon,I would strongly suggest that you end the relationship. You were just looking out a whole a lot of pain I had of you.

As for your boyfriend's mother, my advice is not to cut her any slack. I strongly recommend not treating in-laws or potential future in-laws any differently than you would treat anybody else. If they are not nice to you, just cut them off. Do not waste your life trying to please somebody who is just simply not nice to you.

In-laws and potential in-laws get away with an incredible amount of garbage, because people are worried about damaging the relationship with their spouse or significant other. But the relationship is not worth keeping if it means putting up with abuse or miss treatment or just plain disrespect

This is a lesson that I learned the hard way, and I am a very open and my advice to people not to put up with any garbage from in-laws or potential in-laws.

Your boyfriend's observation of there being lots of other Mormon to Non=Mormon marriages is a bit naive. Yes, it happens but the results down the road are varied. Some work and some don't. Some take their mate out of the church and others coax their mate into the church. Some just grow farther and farther apart until one is making huge concessions to please the other. Yes, they may stay married but that doesn't always mean it's a happy or healthy functioning marriage. Boyfriend needs to do his homework. Moms have a lot of influence over their sons in the Mormon world. Unless you know you will be living far away from his Mom in the future I'd be very wary. Don't rush into anything. It also matters whether or not he is or will be living in a heavily Mormon population where appearances mean a lot. Outside the Mormon culture region he may be able to act normal. Within the Mormon culture region he will struggle being the only active member married to a non-Mormon wife. He will be looked down upon.

Marriage isn't easy and it doesn't make sense to go into it with such a huge downside. The mormon church isn't kind to anyone who doesn't comply with established expectations and mormon families go along with badgering and shunning non-mormon and sometimes converted spouses.

The best religiously mixed marriages are usually not as satisfying as those where the couple agree on this issue. At worst, the marriages fall apart and any children suffer more than the adults.

Half of marriages end in divorce and that statistic includes those with all of the basics in place, meaning similar attitudes about sex, money, and religion. The mormon church often negatively impacts sex and money matters as well as family interaction. Differences in these areas puts tremendous stress on any relationship. The mormon church and mormon families are much less accepting than typical churches and families.

You'd be doing this young man, his family, yourself and your family a favor by cutting your loses and moving on.

I was offended when coming to this board and hearing 'there's 7 billion people in the world'
I wasn't even seeing a TBM but an apostate jack mormon. He resigned and then his mental illness became full blown because he had no frame of reference at all. As a lot of board members know he beat me almost to death in 2013 after which I was stalked by missionaries and blamed by his family for his resignation. His Mama got him out of jail because there was some mormon event the next day and they needed him in the family photos. After the event they pointed him back my way, probably hoping he would finish the job. I am not even in the morridor and I can't impress on you how dangerous this church can be if you oppose it. Had I not had very vocal friends looking in on me I am quite sure it would have progressed to rocks being thrown through my windows at 3 a.m.
The one constant was Mommy. No matter what if she and her smarmy ways said jump his 45 year old self jumped. He is completely obsessed with her and she wants him that way plus financially dependent on the family.
To this day this Mormon, resigned or not, can't understand why I don't want to be his best buddy and every time I tell him to leave me alone he goes into a tirade about what a bitter and angry bitch I am. His family shipped him out of town for a while but will need him back for Thanksgiving photos.
My mormon love story will end with me getting another restraining order and a gun for self protection.

Your "Boyfriend" has chosen to leave you.

He has decided that he would rather spend two years of his life trying to convince strangers to believe that a con artist stuck his head in a hat and read a magic rock.

Forget about his mom accepting you. The real issue here is him!

Move on and have a good life.

texsaw Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Your "Boyfriend" has chosen to leave you.
>
> He has decided that he would rather spend two
> years of his life trying to convince strangers to
> believe that a con artist stuck his head in a hat
> and read a magic rock.
>
> Forget about his mom accepting you. The real
> issue here is him!
>
> Move on and have a good life.

This ^^^

Speaking of that, now is the time to ask a few questions: is he going to leave you every Sunday for 3 hours, spend a bunch of time and money on something that you are excluded from? Will he leave you for home teaching, temple visits, ward house toilet scrubbing, and all the other Mormon time sinks?

Have him read the LDS.org essay about the four different accounts of the "first vision" and ask him if that is the story they are telling potential converts. If they are lying and covering up the truth about the first vision what is he lying and covering-up when he deals with you?

http://www.mormonthink.com/firstvisionweb.htm
https://www.lds.org/topics/first-vision-accounts?lang=eng

My daughter began dating in HS. He came from a TBM family and was active himself but he didn't let that get in his way with my daughter. He went on his mission and they wrote each other every week.

He came home and suddenly communication ceased. He didn't contact her or explain.

Three months later she was sitting in a restaurant with my other daughter when she noticed him at another table with another young lady. She was aware that he was aware she was there. He and his date got up to leave and as they passed by my daughters table he said hi and pushed a napkin by her plate and left. On the napkin was printed the word, "Sorry". That was it. He was married in the temple the following month.

Daughter got over it and married a never-mo. She is now very happy she didn't get sucked into marriage with her high school sweet heart. Her advice (and mine)? NEVER trust a Mormon !

It will be interesting to see how your situation works out. Even if you end up marrying your missionary, I don't think your marriage will survive and you will be out on your own fighting for your kids, trying to keep them from being sucked in and indoctrinated by his family.

You are too close to the forest to see the fire but believe us, you are playing with fire. the fire is smoldering and will burst into flame. I hope you can escape and now would be the time to run.

Perhaps I am the lone exception, not because of anything about my family but because I was truly OUT even if not resigned before I even met my future wife. The only thing I might say you should take a wait-and-see approach on is his attitude toward the church, since he's willing to flaunt mission rules by writing to you every day. If he's sticking with the church, however, perhaps I was overly optimistic and it cannot ultimately work out. I was just lucky AND was already leaving the church with or without Jillian.

People older and far wiser than I have spoken. You would do well to listen, though in the end the decision can only be made by you. I would HATE to see you in the same situation as was the daughter of Dejavue. My baby girl is only a year old, but already I know I could not stand to see her hurt as badly as Dejavue's daughter was. However temporary the hurt, and even it everything worked out for the best in the end, I don't know that I could bear to watch my child go through anything so ugly. Don't do this to yourself or to parents who love you unless the young man is willing to toss the church and everything it stands for to the wind on his own almost the minute he steps off that plane.

Didn't you guys talk about religion, politics, social issues? Do you know what he thinks about things? Do you have any opinions or positions on what makes the world go round?... Is there any "meeting of the minds" between you two or is it just physical attraction as in many young relationships? How you relate to each other is much more important than whether his mom likes you or not, unless you are going to live as a threesome.( only kidding). If you can't answer yes to the above questions, you shouldn't be considering marriage, in my opinion.

If he has a girlfriend (you) he loves and is breaking mission rules for her, I'm guessing he's on a mission for the money...his parents have it and he wants it both ways. He wants to walk the line enough to keep in their good graces and not get disinherited, but keep you also.

I don't think either of you are mature enough to be talking marriage yet.

Go date other guys, let him figure out his deal, keep your options open and don't waste your youth on worrying about whether to marry someone who hasn't decided how he's going to live his life yet.

She probably won't change until/unless you two get married. As long as there's hope her little boy will marry a Mormon, she'll probably keep trying to get him to marry someone with the "same values." If you marry outside the temple, be prepared for tears.

But with the passage of time, there's probably hope for a better relationship, if you don't mind pressure to baptize your potential kids.

Besides the flags of mormon tentacles running deep...

His stubbornness and double-messages are big flags to me. If he didn't want to go on a mission or thinks he's Mr. Rebellion, then why did he go?

If he can wear his mother down... what happens when the tables are turned and you disagree? Will he be wearing you down in the same way (most likely yes).

Agree with the above, he's still a child, not a man. Run. Now. Meet plenty of other people until you realize what you want.

I know it's a difficult situation and breakups are stressful and they suck. But you know what's pretty spectacular? Falling in love and meeting someone where all the cogs fit together smoothly and without having to shave off pieces of yourselves to fit.

If you're not already, get yourself some higher education and begin preparing for a career while he's gone. It will help you mature and learn more about yourself and what you want from life. It's also very freeing to know you can support yourself if you end up in a bad relationship.

IF U do 'fit in' with family, You'll (later) be sorry, Depend on it!

Mormons/LDS of the Nazi-Mo variety, and those without any spine to follow their own values & priorities are a clannish, self-centered sub-culture. They think of themselves as 'specul' (did I spell that correctly?) because they (ONLY) have the 'truth', because it was revealed to THEM starting with the World-Renowned adulterer, Child Pedophile & Money-Digger Joe Smith!

Speshul...or spechul in a pinch.

By now you know that Joseph Smith was a fraud if you have studied at all. His ugly exploits have been verified as fact by many historians and the evidence is there. Read No Man Knows My History if you really want the big picture on Joe. It has footnotes, reference, court records, journal entries, etc.

Then find yourself a Mormon hymn book and open to the Joseph Smith worshipping song, "Praise to the Man," and read it. The Mormons worship one of the most vile men ever.

This is a cult. Ask yourself if that kind of person who can sit and sing that song is who you want to marry and possible have children with. Don't leave your integrity behind on your journey through life.

It depends on the person. When my sisters married outside of the church, my mom did anything and everything she could to try to prevent the wedding. But once the wedding happened, she was pretty good about respecting their choices and welcoming her sons in law into the family. The only issue currently is that she desperately wants her grandkids baptised. Be prepared for that.

Back in the 60's, there was a club for us gals who were waiting for missionaries. There were a few of the girls who were "dating and waiting". In your case, you might want to do that. Find a non-mormon guy to date and see where it goes. Believe me, he won't be the first missionary to get a "dear John" letter.

I'm on the other side of it. I'm the one born and raised into a Mormon family and married a non-Mormon. When I met my boyfriend (now hubby) I was already mentally out of the church. I had a hard time letting myself fall for him because I knew I was going against everything so ingrained in me. I finally decided to let myself fall for him, said screw the church, and moved in with him while my parents were away (I literally felt like I was escaping prison or something!). After that a huge shit storm ensued, lasting for years. He wasn't allowed to go with me to my parents house at all ever, they tried everything they could to break us up, they sent missionaries to my house, and the list goes on. My parents finally eased up a little bit on treating my guy like shit when we got engaged. It's been better with my parents since I got married...so they could stop being so ashamed about us 'living in sin'. Yea, that line was thrown in my face a lot.

Nowadays my parents treat my hubby really well because they realized he was a good person and not the devil himself. Lol
They even have apologized to him for how awful they were to him before we got married. Funny how they never apologized for the way they treated me, though.

I've been out of the church for 19 years now and my parents know my hubby won't ever convert, nor would I want him to! But they've been trying to suck our kids into the cult, which enrages me! It never ends and my mother is wrathful. She basically hated my man because he wasn't Mormon. Didn't give him a chance until after we got married 6 years later.

I don't envy your position, but it's not too late to walk away and never be on the receiving end of a wrathful Mormon mother like mine. I went through a great deal of emotional trauma in order to break free from the church and marry a non-Mormon. I am pretty bitter about the whole thing. I share my experience so you can give this a lot of thought.

Remember when people return from 2 years away, they are different people. Have seen quite a few relationships where a girl faithfully waited, sent letters, pictures etc. When he returned, never acknowledged her, dated her or had any contact with her. The Mormons are a close knit, controlling group. "if you are not with us, you are against us." Have been told this numerous times.
Best to not put much devotion or expectations in this relationship. Wait until he returns and take it from there. Meantime get on a path of your own, education, travel, What ever you enjoy. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Take care of yourself, keep us posted.