Posted by:
Breeze
(
)
Date: October 26, 2016 09:47PM
A lot of my friends (women) dwell on this way--too much. There's a lot of "drunk-dialing" of old boyfriends and old girlfriends, around New Year's Eve, and hasty, frantic hook-ups at summer class reunions.
This is also a favorite theme for stories, such as, "A Christmas Carol." You've got to see "Family Man" with Nicolas Cage, and "Sliding Doors" with Gwyneth Paltro.
I will always, always wonder what life would have been like, had I married either of my Great Loves. These wonderful men are still in my life (not romantically), and I can see what a great, exciting, fun, well-traveled, wealthy life they are living.
I'm very happy right now, and whatever happened to put me where I am, I wouldn't change.
I would change being beaten by my violent ex-husband. It was a temple marriage, and I stayed in too long. I have injuries that will never heal right, and that I still have to deal with, and side effects like ringing in the ears, dizziness, floaters in my
eyes, bone fragments in my jaw, and PTSD. No matter how I look at things--I will never come up with any meaning, any purpose at all, to being beaten like that.
The rest of my life makes sense, mostly. I loved music, too, but knew that I wasn't willing to devote much of my life to it. I had too many interests to concentrate on just a few. I took piano performance at BYU, and was good enough to confidently teach piano lessons at BYU, and grad school. My real career has been interesting, and has offered plenty of variety and freedom. I've needed the flexibility and good income to raise my children on my own.
I probably wouldn't have had any kind of work ethic--I would have been bums like my brothers--if I had been happy at home. I was the youngest, and the middle brother bullied and tortured me from infancy on. I spent my time outdoors, or after school in the library. All that studying brought me good grades. I would babysit, until I was old enough to get a real job. I escaped to BYU the day after graduating high school, and never returned home.
When I got married the second time, I finally had a home of my own, and felt secure enough there to have babies and raise them. After my second divorce, I realized that I could have a happy, loving home on my own, without a husband (who was critical, selfish, and unkind.) I don't think I would have survived those two divorces, if I hadn't learned to fend for myself in childhood.
Oh, I would rather have been happy, like most of my non-Mormon friends, who's parents loved them for themselves, and encouraged and protected them. I was pushed into marrying Mormon men, who were cold and authoritarian, like my father. My mother was the one who exploded on me, and called me names, and cursed me.
Perhaps we learn from our parents what NOT to do. I have a feeling that some of you are great parents!
Right this moment, I'm living in the home of my dreams--peaceful, loving, cozy, full of children and laughter--and we're financially secure. My children did have a happy childhood, and they did turn out very well--so far--and that's what's most important of all, to me.