This is not off-topic, because it relates to one of my children, and her upbringing as LDS before she went Orthodox Jewish.

This is my "Prodigal Child," who has immigrated to Israel in the past several years after being harbored by a vindictive bishop in the community where I live whose wife came to harass me in my home, after my children and I left that ward when my daughter was still a teenager.

They hid her from me while she changed her name as she was preparing to make her move to Israel, in her 20's.

It has been four plus years since she has made contact with me. Recently she's been pleading for monetary assistance due to extenuating circumstances supposedly beyond her control.

I sent her $500 in September via a rabbi who she has stayed in touch with. He wired or got the money to her for me as he's been in more direct communication with her than I have been able to.

She still refuses to provide me with her contact information, So I gave her an ultimatum: either disclose where she's living, give me a phone number where I can call to check on her, or I will not continue to send money to an undisclosed location via a rabbi who is trying to be an intercessor.

I really do feel she is misrepresenting her situation, since she has not confirmed it to either me or the rabbi. He doesn't disbelieve her, but I have more reason to. If she was really sick and destitute, there is no reason for her not to communicate with me directly, so I can send her money directly.

She became irate and said she was severing ties again. I reminded her that she did that four years ago.

Back to the premise of "When love is not enough," I did the best I could to raise my children as a single mom. They were taught to know right from wrong. Both have attained a college education. Both are very bright and intelligent adult children. One even has a conscience and shows love and affection for me.

As an adult child she's turned into someone I no longer know. I have come to the sad realization that she may never move past the stage she's in right now.

She feels entitled to whatever I'm able to give, and doesn't feel she owes me a thing. No accountability, no mother-daughter give and take, etc.

I'm done with coddling her. She's trying to squeeze my resources dry when I'm preparing to retire here in several years. Paying down my consumer debt, my retirement loans I took out to help her through college and later her travels abroad. It was never good enough to satisfy her.

I've offered to travel to her to assist her with her living costs. No go. I've offered to send for her to return home where she can live rent free. Another refusal. She only wants a large sum of money each month going forward from now until one of us die. With zero strings attached, including communicating with me or something as simple as her contact information.

It's sad to lose a child to a Borderline Personality Disorder. I never knew parenthood could be so fraught with challenges when our children turn out something other than what we envisioned for them.

It's a cold day to accept that I cannot trust my daughter because of her manipulation of myself and others she has done since she left college, some years ago. Do I still love her? Absolutely. I just cannot fix what's wrong with her or her situation.

The rabbi is trying to get help to her too, in addition to what I've done. He's stumped like I am.

I realize by continuing to give her money without accountability on her part, I'd be enabling her to keep doing what she's doing. She's fits a classic profile of an adult child who would resort to elder abuse against an aging parent, from a distance.

So ... I'm not giving up on her. But I must keep up my guard, for now.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2016 06:29PM by Amyjo.

Oh Amyjo, I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I had read your previous post a while back on the situation and it broke my heart reading what is going.

Since I am not a mother, I can't dish out advise but I can send you a hug via cyberspace.

Thank you, Kativicky. It has been one of the hardest things I've had to endure thus far in my not so long life.

Here it is the holidays, and because I don't have a million dollars to bequeath to her, I've been disowned again.

Well, I still haven't disinherited my daughter. I keep asking myself should I? She doesn't merit any favors from me. Yet out of my children she is the one who has the most need.

Thanks for the cyber hug, as I wipe away a tear.

You are smart to keep your guard up with your daughter. I would suggest you don't disown her and to keep your heart open to her. If she does ever come to her senses, you will want to be open to her.

My father (as much as I don't like quoting him) used to say that our relationship changes as soon as I would turn 18. It goes from being completely obligatory on his part to voluntary. He could be very hard nosed at times and it was hard to take when at 17 years and 10 months his statement came across as a threat. At the same time, he did have some sensible things to pass on.

You need to think about caring for yourself both physically (financially) and emotionally. Your daughter isn't your responsibility anymore and your relationship is voluntary. Your daughter is an adult. If she is disabled and can't care for herself, that might be another matter, but it doesn't sound like that is her problem.

I have a son who has decided to distance himself from my wife and I. It is a sad thing but nothing like your situation. I do feel for you. I hear how hurt you feel. Please accept all the hugs anyone has to offer you - including mine. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for your kind words.

As part of daughter's ploy, she has been telling me and the rabbi, and my son that she is completely disabled, unable to work, and as of yesterday unless I were to get a significant sum of money to her by tomorrow, she will be homeless.

She has told me she's been numerous times to the hospitable for an incurable lung ailment.

So what does a mother do, but want to go be with her child?! I've offered to fly there since she says she's unable to fly home. I've asked for her phone number so we can talk. She tells me she's unable to speak. (But the rabbi where I live *has* spoken to her by phone recently.)

It.just.doesn't.add.up. I swear, I'm getting nightmares over this, not knowing what to believe.

Still, cannot afford to support two households. In her unreasonableness she tells me that since I make lots more money than she does it should be easy to fork over what she's demanding. Since I refused to and am not in a position to, she severed ties - again without giving me any details of her supposed illness. No contact information. Nothing.

This has been through her Facebook messaging feature.

It reads like one of those "Grandparent Scams" we hear about in the news. A grandparent gets a cold call, out of the blue, from a grandchild they haven't heard from in awhile. Claiming to be in jail, or sick/hospitalized somewhere, and needs lots of money to bail them out.

At this point in time she needs to do more to earn my trust, given her history with me. I may not hear from her again. That saddens me very much. Yet this person contacting me now is not the daughter I raised. She's like a stranger to me. :(

Thanks for the hug.

Amyjo, your offers are perfectly reasonable -- fly her home to live with you, or fly there yourself to assess the situation first-hand. Don't feel guilty about it.

I agree, Summer is spot on. Decide what you are willing to do - fly her home to live with you, fly there to live with her - and if (when) she refuses, simply ask her what she will do instead of accepting your offers of support and tell her you know she is a capable adult willing to make her own decisions (she certainly has made a whole lot all on her own) and you know she will work out something.

To help ease your mind, you mind ask the Rabbi what services are available to disabled persons where she is living. The US certainly makes provisions to assist those who can't work due to disabilities.

As for what you should believe: believe the facts and what you know for certain. She does speak to the Rabbi by phone so not talking with you by phone is not to be believed. This one falsehood cast doubt on any other claims she is making. You have made some generous offers to assist your daughter but your resources are not unlimited. When your daughter is choosing to not work with you, it is her responsibility to make her own arrangements - not yours to bow to her every demand. She may need to make certain compromises to take care of her disabilities just as you are willing to do to care for your daughter and yourself. Her demands are simply unreasonable and your suspicions are completely understandable.

Please take good care of yourself during this trying time.

Hugs to you.

Daughter has chosen to go it alone. you must let her go and not play into her drama's. They are her's. Let it be. You do her no favors by sending her $ or begging for her love and consideration.

Thank you so much!

It's hard to let go. But I know if I play into her drama it will cost me dearly.

Cannot afford to go homeless trying to satisfy her ploy for more money than I can afford to send her without going into more debt that I cannot afford to take on.

She hasn't once asked me how am I doing or feeling. She isn't the least interested in my welfare. After four years I was hoping she was ready to reconcile. It saddens me deeply it was just a ploy to manipulate me.

Anyway, I'm trying to move past this again. I have adopted a young family in the south (Alabama,) to be their consignment grandma. So that brings me a measure of joy this holiday season. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2016 07:28PM by Amyjo.

It is a tough one. I have a son who has some problems and he lives with me. I'm glad I have him close by. A lot of people think I should use tough love with him EXCEPT my family. My older sister, who I don't always get along with, adores him. My father always told me to go easy on him and my father was a disciplinarian with us.

You do what you have to do. Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world.

Thanks Cl2. My dad used to tell me the same about my daughter, ie, to go easy on her. I tried as much as I could.

My kids didn't have the easiest of childhoods, but I did try to overcompensate for their not having a father. Although I was mom and dad both, so that made it tough.

She was the most loving, sweetest daughter a mother could've hoped for, growing up. That's why it was such a shocker when she developed the BPD that my ex-husband has had for his adult lifetime.

He didn't help raise our children - he disappeared when they were both very young. She still has many fine attributes. I do hope and pray she learns to cope better than she has up to now. She was my miracle baby. Born preemie @ 27 weeks. I will always love her. It has been heartbreaking not to have the closeness we once shared. I'm coping though. What else can I do? I have to for both her and my other children, and myself.

I'm not a mom either so can't dole out useful advice. I know they say the bond is beyond powerful.

However, the maxim in search and rescue situations is Save Yourself First. If you don't, you can't help anybody else. You know how they say on a plane in an emergency attach your own O2 mask first. There's a reason for that.

Again, not being a parent, but going with the save yourself first idea, I'd say you have to guard your assets to meet your own needs first. You deserve no less. And then if you freely want to help another, go for it. But within reason. You cannot pay all someone else's expenses on an ongoing basis. (Few could). You have to protect your own retirement. It will be tough slogging anyway, never mind with too few resources.

I don't think I would agree to send money on demand in supposed return for grudging affection.

Maybe you don't have to immediately answer the question of disinheriting your daughter. For now just determine what you will do with the demands for money.

It sounds like you already know the best way to proceed with that.

Thanks Nightingale.

That does make lots of sense. If one cannot save themselves, they aren't going to help save someone else.

I'll be in a better position if can wait it out a bit longer where I'm at, retirement wise. If I'm to be of any help to anyone, including my children, I still need to be able to take care of me first.

Maybe it's a good thing she isn't wanting me to quit my job and take early retirement, like I've offered doing. Going to Israel and toughing it out isn't my idea of a dream life. At this stage in my life I doubt I'd want to live there. Wouldn't mind visiting though. Knowing my daughter is there but I don't know how to contact her has made me not want to go there at all right now, until I know I'll be able to see her while I'm there.

If she cannot support herself on her own in Israel, I don't know how she can expect to stay there - especially if she's permanently disabled now (if what she's saying is even true.) I can support one household better than two. Which is why I'd offer to go there since she says she's unable to fly home.

When she says no to that, well, my options like my resources are back at square one.

I would say, respond to her kindly but keep setting your boundaries. "I'm sorry, I do empathize with your troubles, but I'm unable to help you beyond what I have already offered. I'm preparing for retirement and have to watch my money carefully. There just is not very much there." A reasonable child would empathize with you, and make adjustments accordingly. Your daughter, due to her mental illness, and perhaps lack of maturity, is not able to do that.

BPD is a tough one. I'm sorry that you are forced to cope with that. If not for the untreated BPD, I would hold out hope that your daughter might eventually find peace, or mature beyond her issues with you. But her mental illness is unlikely to get better without treatment (and perhaps not even then.)

So all you can do is to be kind, and keep setting boundaries.

Thanks Summer, for your wisdom.

It's sapped me for this holiday season, thus far. Not hearing from her in more than four years, and now this, I'm going to be at a loss for some time trying to make sense out of it.

Was reading something online yesterday about coping when adult children reject their parents. One of the tips was to focus on something else, anything else, at least 50% of the time. That way it helps keep the focus off the adult child and helps to rechannel that energy into things we have some say over. :)

Amyjo, I'm very sorry that you're going through this. As a fellow parent, I think you've done everything a loving, caring, rational mother could do in this difficult situation. Yet, the bond between mother and child is so great, you're probably going through many self doubts; or, I could have/I should have.

As we know, there's a very fine line between supporting and enabling. We, as people with family members, can get caught in psychological collusion without understanding how or why we got there. But, even if we're codependent and enabling, our children are still our children.

My concern, friend, is for your well-being. From your posts, your daughter is getting some living and support systems--possible from manipulating others. I think the rabbi is probably very willing to help, but may unintentionally exacerbating the disconnect. He may not know from his professional training exactly how to deal with disorder as you've described it. But, he's probably a good man doing the best he can.

My guess is that he sees through some of the manipulation but doesn't know how to address it. So, I'd say, perhaps write him a thank you letter letting him know that you appreciate his help with a difficult situation. Let him know that you don't have the answers and don't expect that he does either. I'd let him know, that your goal is to help your daughter get the best mental health treatment possible.

I'd also recommend a supportive family systems therapist, although you've provided done that. My sincere hope, Amyjo, is that your daughter's next couple of life experiences causes her no harm and yet convinces her that she needs to reach out to you.

I wish I had better answers and hope that in no way have I offended. You're going through hell as a concerned responsible parent. ((((((HUGS))))))

Thanks bro.

That's an excellent suggestion to write a thank you to the rabbi. He's been an intermediary between my daughter and I for over a year now.

That's a wonderful idea. He's very well-meaning, and is concerned for her welfare too. What an opposite from that god awful bishop who hid my daughter at his house for six months before she disappeared to Israel! He refused to help in any way foster a reconciliation between her and me. His wife was instrumental in that separation as well.

She was the one who came to my house when daughter was still in high school screaming at me, and assaulted me in my livingroom because I'd stopped going to church, and refused to let my daughter go back after they were committing outright fraud going behind my back to have my daughter's personal mail go to the Young Woman's president's house instead of ours because she was applying to BYU, which I wasn't about to let her move that far away with her health problems she was having at that time. As soon as I discovered that, we were outa there like lightning. That is what led to her driving to my home one late summer day and assaulting me. Then she wrote me the next day to apologize saying she had to increase her anti-anxiety meds, and would I please forgive her?

By then I'd already sent my daughter's and my resignation to Salt Lake City.. it was "too little, too late." She exacted her revenge 10+ years later. Bitch. While her own 44 year old daughter was living with mommy and daddy; they harbored my 24 year old daughter for six months, unbeknownst to me. For that there can be no forgiveness in this lifetime. Once I learned of their duplicity, and would call the bishop's house to speak to my daughter he refused to let me.

Anyway, I need to focus on what I have now instead of what I've lost. Thanks, Boner, for your friendship and comforting words.

Amyjo, I agree with your assessment of the situation. It seems that her illness has painted you as "the enemy," and there's no convincing mental illness that it's wrong. I would guess that having been a very prominent figure during development, its damaging view focused on you as a convenient target.

Watching my SIL, who also had BPD, scheme, harrass, go from loving friend to lifetime enemy in the space of a mispoken word, self-medicating, the list goes on, I'm here to tell you that reality doesn't matter to your daughter. Whatever it is that goes on on a BPD brain, it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do or say, in the past, present or future. The illness drives, not the person you once knew as your daughter.

You could throw your last dollar into the bottomless pit of the illness' need, and it will not help her to heal. You would then be blamed for being penniless.

One of the most difficult aspects of BPD is how utterly "normal" sufferers can appear, even charming, to strangers. It is not until that first disagreement, that first slight, the one we hardly noticed, that the obsessions begin to show. We still expect them to "get over it," like normal folk do, but it never happens. Any "niceness" that follows is pure manipulation.

I'm so very sorry that you've lost her to this illness, and just want to offer my understanding as a comfort to you. Peace be upon you, Amyjo.

Thank you very much for your kind words. In fact, you sound almost like my therapist. :)

It is hard to deal with. But once you become a mother, all those "what ifs," are now "has beens."

((((Amyjo))))
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You sound like a wonderful mother. I would have loved to have a mama like you. She could get enough of her current lifestyle and return home.

Thank you Aquarius.

I tried to be the mother to my children I didn't have, and used to daydream about having. I felt so neglected as a child I used to imagine I was adopted and Tony Curtis was my real dad. Instead he had Jaimie.

Plus, I look too much like my dad to believe anyone else fathered me. ;)

I had a fairly dysfunctional upbringing, but I still didn't doubt my parents loved me. They just didn't know how to show it. So I made sure my children knew they were loved, and unequivocally.

That is like rubbing salt in the wound now for me. Maybe if I hadn't tried so hard to be the best parent I could be under the circumstances. Maybe my daughter would not take me so much for granted.

I was overprotective. My children grew up in NYC. Most of their classmates parents were at least as overprotective as I was, so I don't believe that caused her to become alienated.

Damn personality disorder anyway. I understand my ex-husband better as a result. He never got better though, and has been a high functioning borderline for his adult life. Very smart man. So is my daughter a very smart woman. Both are multi-lingual. That she inherited from him too. Not from me. :)

Amyjo, worse than her financial distress is your broken heart.
((((AJ)))))

My first thought was this could be a scam by someone who isn't your daughter and by someone who isn't a rabbi. Do you know him personally? It does not sound like he is advocating for you.

But, I, too, have a son and a sister with BPD. My advice is don't let her move home. In my experience, that ends badly. BPDs can hurt you mentally and physically.

In the case of my sister, once my dad (the tender of the flame) died, and she could no longer snort his retirement up her nose, she cleaned up--a little. Before that, he bought her a nice home. She destroyed it. He bought her a new car. She wrecked it.

Please take care of yourself. That's the best favor you can do for yourself and for her, too. Good luck to you.
More hugs.

Thanks, Kathleen.

That was my first thoughts too re the rabbi and daughter.

I've pretty much vetted the rabbi through. He resides in my community and is a bona fide rabbi over an Orthodox congregation. He seems genuine enough.

If anything, I owe him a debt of gratitude to try and help smooth things over between my daughter and me.

For my daughter, some of her behavior albeit it's been online and not telephonically these past several days has led me to believe it is her and no one else. Although she could be being exploited by someone other than herself where she's living, which I'm not privy to. That may help explain her reluctance to want to provide me contact information and a phone number?

The rabbi here cannot confirm her story either, but wants to believe her. He may have sent her some money himself, but his funds are limited as to how much he can help.

He knows someone near where she is who might be able to get her some assistance, and help her navigate the Israeli system. He also believes she needs more relief than monetary, beyond what she is asking for to be able to manage where she is.

He honors her request to have no direct contact with me. He was her rabbi while she was being secretly harbored by the former bishop and his wife, when she was living with them in 2012-2013. She was under his tutelage while preparing to make Aliyah (that's 'immigration' to Israel, which means "moving up" to the 'Promised Land.') He also has acknowledged to me she has some deep psychological issues based on his acquaintance with her. So he seems to be the "real deal." I have to trust him, he's my only link to her right now.

It sounds like you have some experience yourself with BPD in family. It is the most daunting challenge I've been faced with since my children reached adulthood. There is no parenting manual in the world that could have prepared me for this. None.

There's the book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells," prescribed by my therapist. And online support material I'm learning about. Thank God for that.

Hugs to you too, Kathleen.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2016 04:41AM by Amyjo.

Why would anyone want to emigrate to Israel? America is such a nice beautiful place separated from the rest of the muslim world by two big oceans, perfect!

I got a whole bunch of Jewish ancestors that decided to become christian during the Inquisition, and it has been a good move over all I guess? We kept our necks intact, lol!

poopstone Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why would anyone want to emigrate to Israel?
> America is such a nice beautiful place separated
> from the rest of the muslim world by two big
> oceans, perfect!
>
> I got a whole bunch of Jewish ancestors that
> decided to become christian during the
> Inquisition, and it has been a good move over all
> I guess? We kept our necks intact, lol!

That's an interesting ancestry you have there, poopstone. I wouldn't have guessed that about you. Lots of Jews migrated to Salt Lake City at the turn of the last century to help grow Salt Lake valley (or whatever you folks call it there.) Including several of my ancestors on my mum's side.

Good move for your ancestors they "assimilated" to save their lives. I consider it no small feat that some of my Jewish ancestors survived the Holocaust without costing them their lives - others didn't. Some of my forebears assimilated like yours did, to escape Nazi persecution. That didn't work out too well since Hitler killed those ones as well as the ones who refused to.

One cousin, Max Born, moved to England in 1933. That likely saved his and his family's lives. Another moved to Amsterdam in 1933 (both men were professors,) with his family to escape. Both converted to Christianity to save themselves. During the Holocaust, Max Born lived through unscathed, from England. My other cousin was interred to be sent to a concentration camp from Amsterdam, until his daughter, who was a Dutch Resistance fighter saved his life (as she did many others during that time.)

I've noted however that Born converted way before the Holocaust or the rise of Nazism. So did my other cousin. Assimilation was nothing new though even during their era. They lived persecution as did their families, in Germany. They were mostly successful doctors, lawyers, professors, etc.

Some moved away from Germany to far flung places. My German Jewish ancestors came to America during the 1850s. So they came ahead of the hateful persecution that followed.

As to why would anyone want to emigrate to Israel? After the Holocaust it has been about the only *safe* place for them to move to, with the exception of America. The USA has roughly the same number of Jews living here as are in Israel.

Outside of Israel and America, the next largest concentration of Jews left in the world has been France. Since the Muslims invaded Europe, and brought the terror cells with them, more Jews are now migrating from France to either Israel or America. The poorer ones are fleeing to Israel. The wealthier ones to America.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2016 09:10AM by Amyjo.

This is a quote I found recently by Max Born, from one of his biographies re his conversion from Judaism to Christianity: (note that him and Einstein, best friends since college, used to debate God. Einstein insisted that God was a God of order and in control of the natural world. Born resisted that notion and believed in deism (according to his son,) that God watches from a distance but does not involve himself in the affairs of mankind.)

"Nancy Thorndike Greenspan (2005). The End of the Certain World: The Life and Science of Max Born : the Nobel Physicist who Ignited the Quantum Revolution. Basic Books. pp. 58–62. ISBN 9780738206936. "Max later traced his reluctance to his father, who had taught him not to believe in a God who punished, rewarded, or performed miracles. Like his father, he based his morality on his "own conscience and on an understanding of human life within a framework of natural law." ...Born, in fact, was no longer Jewish. His mother-in-law had worn him down. In March 1914, after a few religion lessons in Berlin, he was baptized a Lutheran by the pastor who had married him to Hedi. As he later explained, "there were...forces pulling in the opposite direction [to my own feelings]. The strongest of these was the necessity of defending my position again and again, and the feeling of futility produced by these discussions [with Hedi and her mother]. In the end I made up my mind that a rational being as I wished to be, ought to regard religious professions and churches as a matter of no importance.... It has not changed me, yet I never regretted it. I did not want to live in a Jewish world, and one cannot live in a Christian world as an outsider. However, I made up my mind never to conceal my Jewish origin.""

I think you've laid out the situation well which might help you deal with it. My good thoughts are with you. Take care.

I feel like you can help your daughter about as much as you could help someone with the plague. It is tragic, but she has a disease that we can not cure at this time. Her distrustful thoughts are her real thoughts, and that is tragic too.

I know two other mothers with similar situations (except at least their grown kids are in the States) and I tell you, they have suffered a great deal because of their children, because like you, they love them very much and want them to have good lives, but they also have been totally unable to help. The only thing that might help, medication or mental therapy perhaps, you can not make them do.

I think you're already doing the best thing you can. I can't think of what else you could do.

Thanks Cheryl and seekyr for your kind thoughts.

It feels as though my hands are tied, and I've been blindfolded and gagged - where my daughter is concerned. Without having more info to go on, I have let her know and the local area rabbi that for my own reassurance I need more than an anonymous Facebook message through an old account of hers that has been inactive since she disappeared in 2012. She unfriended me from there when she disappeared the last time.

The mutual family and friends who're still there haven't heard from her either, with exception of my son. He'd like to help too, but doesn't have thousands of dollars lying around to send her either. He's offered for her to come live with him, where he is.

It has been tough on him and me both. I worry he internalizes more as her brother, than I do. I talk things through, where he keeps them to himself more. When he was in high school he had devised a video game where the brother goes around the world to save his sister. Who knows, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2016 12:12PM by Amyjo.

It's a very complicated and heartbreaking situation. I know you love your daughter and desperately want to help her.

However--like you seemed to indicate--I don't think there is ANYTHING you can do for her. There is nothing you can say or do that can fix her real problem (the personality disorder). I don't even think financial support is helpful to her, because it doesn't solve the real problem. And it certainly puts you at risk both financially and emotionally.

You are being cruelly manipulated by her, or possibly even conned by someone else. I think I would refuse to allow HER to communicate through an intermediary. She wants your money but won't even talk to you? That's BS. I'd thank the Rabbi for his concern but refuse to play that game.

It sounds like you've talked to a therapist about the situation, and I do think you need the support from someone who knows the illness.

I watched my parents support some older siblings throughout my youth. Thankfully, the relationship wasn't emotionally abusive (like your daughter is). But those siblings didn't become financially responsible until my parents finally cut them off financially.

I also wonder if you need to put MORE distance between you and your daughter. Perhaps only allow her to communicate with YOU through a lawyer or someone who can minimize her ability to manipulate you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2016 11:58AM by imaworkinonit.

imaworkinonit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's a very complicated and heartbreaking
> situation. I know you love your daughter and
> desperately want to help her.
>
> However--like you seemed to indicate--I don't
> think there is ANYTHING you can do for her. There
> is nothing you can say or do that can fix her real
> problem (the personality disorder). I don't even
> think financial support is helpful to her, because
> it doesn't solve the real problem. And it
> certainly puts you at risk both financially and
> emotionally.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride since she initiated contact recently requesting and then demanding assistance, or else she'll sever ties because "I don't love her if I'm not willing to support her." Whatever I said to her about my ability to help and what I'm willing to do went right over the top of her head. Very troubling.

>
> You are being cruelly manipulated by her, or
> possibly even conned by someone else. I think I
> would refuse to allow HER to communicate through
> an intermediary. She wants your money but won't
> even talk to you? That's BS. I'd thank the Rabbi
> for his concern but refuse to play that game.

Yes, the rabbi deserves a lot of praise for genuinely trying to help be an intermediary. As for her conning me, that is what it feels like. Which is why all my red flags are up and on alert. My employment is in the field of Consumer Protection. I work with people all week long who've been scammed out of their hard earned money. It happens all too easily! :(

>
> It sounds like you've talked to a therapist about
> the situation, and I do think you need the support
> from someone who knows the illness.

My therapist has met my daughter. Without treating her per se, BPD has been his diagnosis since she began acting out. Of course I cannot *fix* her. It's myself I need to work on so I can cope with the fallout since she left college.

> I watched my parents support some older siblings
> throughout my youth. Thankfully, the relationship
> wasn't emotionally abusive (like your daughter
> is). But those siblings didn't become financially
> responsible until my parents finally cut them off
> financially.

It does feel abusive. I didn't pinpoint "elder abuse" until after I considered the various angles of her latest ploy. It does seem like that is what she (or someone exploiting her possibly?) is trying to see how much I will give in out of desperation to help save her, and our non-existent mother-daughter relationship.

People w/BPD I've been learning have coping disorders with reality. Her reality does not match mine obviously. Trying to explain why I can't afford to support her just does not jive with her expectations that I owe it to her as her mom. She sees it as an entitlement. I also get the sense it may even give her satisfaction to bleed my resources dry if I were to give her what she's demanding. She seems to enjoy trying to hurt me even from a distance (without going into the details of what has transpired before - it's TMI.)

>
> I also wonder if you need to put MORE distance
> between you and your daughter. Perhaps only allow
> her to communicate with YOU through a lawyer or
> someone who can minimize her ability to manipulate
> you.

I don't believe she's going to initiate contact again anytime soon. She tried to fleece me, and wasn't able to other than the money I've already sent her in September. If I had lots of money I'd set up a trust fund for her. Since I don't, it's either my way or the highway if she truly needs my help. If she was that close to homeless and destitute it doesn't make sense why she would refuse the help I've offered her.

Turning it over and trust in the Lord is what I've had to do thus far. Last winter my son and I had a nearly identical dream about my daughter 12 hours apart - the same night (he lives overseas as well.) Mine came before his did. He called me 12 hours later to tell me about his very strange dream and I was gobsmacked because it was the same one I'd had myself. It was a message dream I'm certain (my son doesn't believe in that but I do.) So what did I do, but pray my heart out. Asking for guidance. I went to my bible and the first page I opened to was a passage in the NT of Jesus raising the daughter from the dead, and healing the woman who touched the hem of his garment. Then a complete sense of peace washed over me, and I felt reassured that my daughter was being blessed in her affliction.

That is one more reason why when I left Mormonism I didn't check my faith in God at the door when I left. It's what sustains me during times like this. I'm also thankful for all the good people of RfM where we're able to share our joys and sometimes disappointment where our family is concerned. With my daughter there isn't any closure. All I can do is hope and pray she sees the light while there's still life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2016 08:10PM by Amyjo.

I'm sorry to hear it, Amyjo.

Maybe this is where your faith will come in handy. Sometimes you have to "Let go and let God". And stop enabling.

Things happen, and then what? And why? And from a faith angle, how much is God in it? Is God in everything, nothing, or somewhere in between. I tend to lean toward "everything", so I wouldn't overanalyze the situation. Clearly this is a case where love isn't enough.