Hi everyone,

I've been long-distance dating a nevermo I met over the summer. Things are getting more serious and we're trying to figure things out but something has been bothering me lately.

I was very mo in my youth and was relatively tame until I was in my mid twenties and left the church. I've had my fair share of sexual partners but nothing too crazy.

My girlfriend, on the other hand was drinking and having sex by the time she was 15. She's racked up a lot of stories over the years and it's making me wonder. She's told me stories about how she's cheated on boyfriends, had sex with her friend's boyfriends, hooked up with random guys at bars and clubs, slept with coworkers, bosses, married men, people much older than her, lots of weird love triangles where she's been with several guys in a group or has had several men in common with an acquaintance/friend, blacked out with friends and hooked up, bangs a bunch of guys during the same time period, lots of weird relationships with boyfriends... The list goes on and on it seems.

It's getting to the point where it's hard for me to trust that she won't cheat on me or that she isn't doing anything on the side while we're apart. I know she has ex boyfriends and others who contact her. We both deleted our tinder accounts over the summer and when she came back to see me, I saw that she had the app on her phone still. When I called it out on her later that week she said that her friend said that her profile was still on there so she redownloaded it to delete her profile and hadn't uninstalled the app.

Now I know she definitely likes me - I've met her family, we plan trips together, and she writes me cute notes and other things... but with her past and everything else it just makes me worry. I try not to think that she's a slut for being with a lot of people. I try to pretend that her past doesn't matter and now that what we have now is all that matters but it's getting harder and harder for me to not notice it.

Maybe I'm just not liberated enough? Am I being a prude? We have several aspects of our relationship that we're trying to overcome but it's just eating me away thinking about it. I'd love to get anyone's input on this.

It's so weird for me growing up thinking that sex is sacred, learning how to be responsible about having sex, and then meeting a girl who doesn't even seem to have a compass when it comes to this... It makes me feel like what we have is just some other crazy story in her checklist of conquests. Am I crazy for thinking that?

Obviously it bothers you now. What makes you think that it will ever stop bothering you?

You should tell her - to be fair to her - that it bothers you, and that it will probably always bother you. You are not the person she needs, and she needs to find someone who is not at all bothered with her past (or her possible future sexual activities).

^^^^^

this

ETA ~ in 4 links to pics of gf ~ thx



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 12:22AM by ziller.

Sounds like you can get more than just pics this time. Ask for DVDs or live streaming video.

Wow, very messed up. :(

Well maybe I've brought it on myself. I have asked her questions about some of the guys she's dated and when she explains things, they typically spiral into other stories with other guys she's been with. Toward the end I'm surprised she even told me all that. It also makes me wonder why she'd even date me. It didn't bother me all that much until this week when she came to visit me and I start finding out more things. That, on top of seeing that she had tinder on her phone made me start to really worry about it.

In her defense, a lot of her crazy stories happened when she was in college and starting her career. She has seemed to calm down over the past couple years but I still can't help but wonder.

We're in a precarious situation because she's Canadian, I'm American, and she can't exactly find a job here. We were considering backpacking around Central America over the winter but I got a new job. We've talked about her moving to be with me to try things out but it would be hard for her to find a job here and she could only stay 6 months out of the year in the US. She also told me about how she saw one way tickets to costa rica for $250 so it already makes me think she has one foot out the door.

Aren't relationships fun? :p

From somebody who definitely would not be described as a prude, and who did not grow up Mormon, she sounds like a train wreck and I would probably go with your gut instinct and not trust her.

If that is actually her true behaviour, it is not normal by any means and is actually rather self destructive.

I would also be worried about STDs if I were you.

Have you ever asked her why she experimented so much with sexual escapades?

Well when she'd tell me about ex boyfriends, I'd ask questions... it would then spiral into other stories with other guys... Or sometimes she'd tell me about a guy friend and I'd ask if she'd slept with him and it would just open a can of worms. I haven't asked her per say why she's been with so many guys, but I've asked questions where she's expounded on them more than I thought she would.

I did ask her if she's regretted some of those past decisions and she definitely has. A lot of them happened when she was very drunk or under the influence of something else or when she was younger.

Maybe I should ask her why she's been with so many people or if it bothers her at all what she's done in her past. That will probably open up another can of worms.

Having a lot of partners and sex doesn't make anyone moral or immoral, but the people they do have it with should be taken into consideration. The fact that she have sex with married men, bosses, and created loads of drama is what I would be concerned with, especially it having been multiple times. That, to me, indicates lack of ethics and emotional maturity. Depending on her age, it could also be her brain hasn't fully matured yet, which it doesn't until around 25. It's one of the reasons young make so many decisions that seem foolish to older people.

I'm a former party girl who was very wild and experienced life far past the edge in my late teens and 20s. While I do have some regrets, I'm also glad I went through those experiences because now I can focus on the more mundane, but important aspects, in life such as schooling. People do change, especially after cataclysmic experiences that wake them up. I've been in a relationship for 11 years, we have our ups and down, but it's more surprising to me that I'm willing to spend a night in to watch a movie and drink wine rather than go out and party (as we used to do together).

People and society still take issue with women who have lots of sex. They call them amoral, sluts, unnatural, selfish, screwed up etc...But again, it's not the her sexual history you should be concerned about, it's the actions surrounding her sexual history. Women are sexual creatures, too, (remember we have the only organ designed solely for pleasure) and many women don't like to be tied down to one person until later in life, but not all these women sleep with married men, bosses, or create unnecessary drama. I had a roommate that was sleeping with a married man with an 8th month pregnant wife. She couldn't fathom why people thought it was disgusting because "it was no one's business." Actually, no, that shows a lack of integrity, especially since you pretend to be friends with that wife, it shows you're untrustworthy.

I can't tell you what to do, only that risks are every where in life. Some STIs and their effects don't show up for a long time, such as Herpes, HIV, and HPV (She can't give you AIDS, and it's actually more difficult to for a male to contract HIV from a female barring he's intact). Other STIs can be asymptomatic, so maybe it's not a bad idea to get tested together a couple of times. I had to be tested for HIV 4 times, just to be on the safe side with my doctors (not a sexual issue) and it's scary, but it's not a death sentence anymore.

There's always risks when getting involved with someone. You have to assess what risks you're willing to take on and move from there.

She seems remarkably open about her various experiences. From your description, this isn't really a question of her having slept with a bunch of guys. She admits to cheating and creating lots of weird triangles and such. This is what you are focusing on, and that is legitimate. It isn't about how many people she has or hasn't had sex with. It is a question about how she treats people she is involved with. That is a totally legitimate concern to have.

When she talks about things that she did in the past that you don't think were particularly kind or considerate toward her former partners, what sort of attitude does she have about the former parterns and their feeling? Does she care about others, or does she just use folks for her own ends?

If she is so open, I would ask her why she did what she did then and what did she learn from it. If she hasn't learned anything from her past that is pointing her toward a stable relationship with you, then I would let this one go.

If she is still the same person that she was in the past (most people don't change, while a very few do), than the long distance part of this makes it more difficult for you not to just become another one of her stories.

Part of it was because I asked her about guys she dated and then stories would just unravel. I knew about a few things but this week I've learned a lot more. She's asked me if I really wanted to know and when I said yes, she'd tell me.

Some of the time she brushes them off because she did them in her teenage years when she didn't realize how stupid she was, but other times she tells me how she had to burn some bridges or how she does regret some of the decisions she's made. She has been nonchalant about some of the guys she's been with (which I thought was weird) and she did have a really messed up relationship when she was in college where she was engaged with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Maybe that was the catalyst? She still has some stories from before that time period though. I honestly need to create a flowchart because the stories are getting confusing.

Ok Viking, .....I wasn't going to say a thing, just lurk this one out, but when you said you are considering " honestly creating a flow chart" to keep track of her past sex partners I knew I had to chime in with my 2 cents.

We don't know each other, but you don't have any idea what you're getting yourself into. There's a saying that men have two brains, a big one and a little one.....and only enough blood to use one at a time. You are in a long distance relationship...you don't know this woman at all. She is trying to be honest with you because she is trying to change, but hasn't yet. Use your big brain if you're making decisions for you future well being. If you only want sexual satisfaction, you do what you want, but don't kid yourself...I think you already know that, you're just looking for validation of a decision you've probably already made, or know you should make.

I'm not going to go into it, but I know what I'm talking about.

This is not a reply to myself....just an afterthought. Google and read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. Don't just read one thing off the top of the list and think you've got things figured out. Read lots. Maybe you'll run across something insightful.

Also, last thing....relax, nothing has to happen right away. If you're pressured to make any decisions, it's a big red flag to back off. Good luck.

If it doesn't bother you that this woman is amoral, then don't worry about it. Obviously you have a moral compass so her past sexual behavior and what may be going on under your nose while your head is turned, is going to bother you.

She doesn't sound like it matters to her one way or the other. It does to you. You'll never be on the same page, unless she does a 180, or you do.

Trust is vital in relationships. If you cannot trust this woman, do you really see yourself and her going the distance? Also respect for each other starts with self-respect.

If, on the other hand, her escapades are really behind her, and she's not returning to that self-destructive lifestyle as someone else pointed out it *is* self-destructive to live that way ... if she's learned from her past and does not wish to repeat it, people can change.

From what you describe it sounds like she may still be living a double life, and leading you on, if she has other men she's seeing when you aren't around.

I'd also be very afraid of getting an STD from her or contracting AIDS. If she becomes prego, you may also want to make sure it's yours by getting a DNA test.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 12:42AM by Amyjo.

Well it's a little late to worry about STD's - if something were to come up, it probably would have happened several months ago.

She does show that she wants to be with me - she posts about me on social media where everyone can see, she writes me notes and messages me often, and we do talk about our future. I've met many of her friends and family and they all love me so it's not like she's hiding me from everyone. It's just that her sexual past, along with a few other things, has gotten me to start thinking twice about the relationship and if either of us are ready for it.

The problem about her being long distance is that it escalates things very quickly. We've talked about her moving in but it's kinda crazy to think about it when we've only been dating since the summer. Plus she isn't American so she can only stay for so long and it would be hard for her to get sponsored for a job.

The time she hooked up with her friend's boyfriend, she had good friends with the boyfriend for years and one night they got black-out drunk at a party and woke up naked together in a bed. Other times were when she was sleeping with some guy and found out that he was dating an acquaintance so she told that person because she felt guilty... so sometimes I don't feel she was completely dishonest but she's had so many sketchy relationships that it feels almost like when I started reading about about church history and the stories got weirder and weirder. I've seriously gotten Mormon PTSD thinking about it.

If you really are head over heels in love with this girl, and you're willing to take a gamble, then you should continue to see her.

I sense what it is she sees in you is stability and a source of security. Nothing wrong with that. Many women do in a relationship.

From her past escapades I would still be leery because she fits the textbook definition of amoral.

You mention she isn't a citizen of these United States? Well if you get hitched she has an instant ticket. Back to that stability and security thing. You may be her best bet to becoming a citizen if she can just get you to commit.

If I were dating someone who had all those "trophies" under his belt, and was bragging or talking about them to me, especially the sordid sexuality she brings to the table ... it would be a deal breaker for me. She may simply be using you.

I know you don't want to hear that if your heart is invested in her. But what makes you so different from all those other men she's been in the sack with? Ask yourself that. She may have a hidden agenda with you, and you aren't able to see through her charade.

She doesn't sound like the settling down type, based on her history and what she doesn't seem to have a problem with. Nymphomania is another word to describe her, in addition to amoral.

With all the available women out there, I hope your next girlfriend is a better fit for you. You deserve to have someone who shares your values, not just your bed.

Oh, come on. No one from Canada is dating someone from the US to get citizenship here for "stability." People here are trying to get to Canada! I wouldn't worry about her going with you for a green card. Canada is just fine.

BS to that. When a Canadian marries an American they qualify for citizenship. It's that simple. Same as for any other foreigner.

She can only stay here six months out of the year without being an American. If loverboy were to marry her, problemo solved. Even after her and him split up for whatever reason.

Why would a Canadian want to be an American? The only reason it's an issue in this case is that the couple would like to be together. If they're together at the OP's house in the US, she can stay only a few months. My point is that it's highly doubtful in this situation that this girl's gunning for American citizenship and that's why she's seeing the OP--she hopes he'll marry her, she can dump him, et viola! She's an American citizen! America doesn't offer much to a Canadian.

MCR Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why would a Canadian want to be an American? The
> only reason it's an issue in this case is that the
> couple would like to be together. If they're
> together at the OP's house in the US, she can stay
> only a few months. My point is that it's highly
> doubtful in this situation that this girl's
> gunning for American citizenship and that's why
> she's seeing the OP--she hopes he'll marry her,
> she can dump him, et viola! She's an American
> citizen! America doesn't offer much to a Canadian.

Well, living on the border between America and Canada, we see it all the time here. Americans marry Canadians and become dual citizens. And vice versa, when a Canadian marries an American.

No doubt one would hope most marry for love and not ulterior motives. There's always exceptions. This girl who sleeps with anyone who drops their pants for her, does not sound like she really cares who she goes to bed with. So for her to say yes to marriage to this particular guy does sort of beg the question: what's her real motive if not love? Not saying she can't love him. It's just based on her history with men, her pattern is one of using them, not cohabitating.

The woman is clearly a "player" based on her history. If she has changed I doubt she'd still be on the swingers site where they met. She may be taking advantage of him, and getting her citizenship would be one more reason for her to do that. That's all I was suggesting. He's asking for advice, and that is a word of caution for him to take into consideration.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2016 01:11PM by Amyjo.

A non-Canadian doesn't acquire Canadian citizenship by marrying a Canadian.

The first step would be applying for and being granted permanent residence status in Canada. Being married to a Canadian prior to applying may help in the application, but that's not a guarantee. My sister in law is Filipina, and had to go through the same immigration process as any other foreigner, even though they were already married and my brother was sponsoring her. Once you are a permanent resident, you need to live here for at least four years before you can apply for citizenship.

Is that different than in the US?

No, the process in the US is analogous. My wife's company brought her to the US for work, so she arrived with a visa. But marrying me did not confer citizenship on her automatically, or even a green card. First you apply for the latter, and then after some time you apply for citizenship. That's a way over simplification, and it takes time. It also costs a lot of money.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2016 02:34PM by nomonomo.

My children's father had a visa from Poland to attend university here when we met.

After our split, and two babies later, prior to our divorce the thing he kept out of our marriage was the original marriage license.

Sure enough, I learned afterwards that the summer we were married was the same summer he became a citizen. He used our marriage to be able to do that.

He withheld that very vital information from me, his wife, during our marriage. He became a citizen without telling me at all! It was the marriage license that enabled him to do so.

Did he have an ulterior motive? By his actions, I would say he did. Hindsight being 20/20. It happens all the time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2016 03:02PM by Amyjo.

She seems to lack a moral compass, and by that I don't mean having previous sex partners. I mean cheating on her boyfriends and picking off the boyfriends of her so-called friends. If she cheated on previous partners, what makes you think she won't cheat on you?

I don't think she's a good match for you. It's perfectly normal for an adult nevermo to have had a previous partner or partners, but this girl seems to have gone completely off the rails. And in all honesty, she also sounds like a walking petri dish.

Your best bet would be a woman who has a history of no more than a few previous stable relationships.

You're most likely asking for drama and trouble. That seems to be her thing. If you're willing to put in some time and energy to see if she's made changes that is up to you. I'd be guarded though. She may need therapy to explore why her past was self destructive. Otherwise her past may be the future
y also the

Lace up your Nikes and run like the wind.

You might also consider that if she's telling you about her various escapades, she will tell future partners about her time with you.

To be honest, she sounds a bit Cluster B to me. You should trust your gut.

Several years ago, I had a girlfriend like that. She had been excommunicated twice at the time I met her, and was excommunicated a third time at the end of our relationship. When I met her, I told myself that crap about how if god can forgive her, then so should I. She ended up having sex with several people in my social group behind my back. I ended up filing a paternity suit myself to find out if I was a father after she suddenly dusted me off and married a former friend. I actually had another friend come to me months later, told me that he had been with her (I had no clue before that), and apologize to me. After the blood tests came back, both he (her new husband) and I were excluded as biological fathers.

Here in retrospect is my advice. Don't judge her for her sexual relationships. Judge her based on her level of integrity with anyone and everyone she has been involved with in the past. The church creates people with dual moral values and that flip-flop between them. When she gets tired of being good, who will she be then? Don't let the church rules dictate what you want. Just understand clearly what you'll get with her. If you want an open marriage and if you can trust her, it could work. Based on what you say though, she looks like trouble, not because of her sexual past, but because she is not honest and she appears to betray friendships routinely. The one I found wanted to find a mormon guy (any guy will do), get pregnant and the guy forced in to a loveless marriage, than divorce the guy and collect child support from him while starting the process over with the next guy. The pretense of love and friendship was just a tool for her in that process.

Don't get emotionally involved with her unless you are prepared to be treated like her former boyfriends were treated. For me, the worst part wasn't the thousands of dollars I spent on more than one lawsuit. It wasn't the damages done to my social network, or my decision to leave the church when its leaders turned against me that caused the most damage. The worst damages were from my not being able to forgive myself for seeing the pattern and not listening to my own common sense when I should have.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 08:16AM by azsteve.

She's likely to revert back to these behaviors eventually and treat you the same way she treated others.

Another thing for you to take note of if you haven't already is your girlfriend is in serious need of some intensive psychotherapy to help her understand what made her develop into this self-destructive thing she's become.

Likewise, you should see a therapist to understand your attraction to her and explore what keeps you in this relationship. Based on her past pattern of behavior, unless she gets some serious help for her disorder, I don't see her getting any better just because she's hooked up with you.

I wouldn't worry about SEX in the PAST...nothing you can do about that.

I would be worried about TRUST in the FUTURE...you can do something about that, unless you do nothing and let it become the past. She shows a pattern...don't ignore that!

As someone mentioned above....very likely chance you'll be another man from her past and she'll be telling someone else about you.

You just need to decide how much of her past you want to be.

I would also take into account that you are getting the justified, self-rationalized versions of the stories, the versions she can accept. At minimum, very minimum, I would insist on couples counseling to try to ascertain if there are underlying issues or childhood traumas with which you are willing to cope for many years to come.

It's not just how honest has she been with others, it's how honest has she been with herself? It's very similar to the fog of Mormonism. Has she mentioned why she became such a wild child? Has she received counseling for the root causes?

The behavior you describe is often the result of having been abused as a child. It's an acting out of buried pain; it's self abuse. Of course I can't know her motivations, but does she?

If she was abused, and has had no counseling, even she cannot tell you "who she is." If it is the case that she was victimized, all judgement of her goes out the window, but a trainload of unresolved issues come in.

I was abused as a child, and am not trying to project, was not that wild, but recognize self-harming behaviors when I see them. It's that aspect for which I would need answers.

The only thing I can add is....it does seem like she is being very open and honest with you now. Although she may not have been open with others in the past, she is now being with you now. That seems like an important thing to me.

IMO a part of her problem (beyond the previous cheating, boyfriend stealing, sex w/ married men, etc.) is that she is being *too* open. The most that she should be saying is that, yes, she has had some previous relationships that did not work out for her. That's all anyone needs to know.

The fact that she doesn't have an internal censor tells me that she still lacks the maturity for a close relationship. Partners do not need blow-by-blow accounts of one's previous relationships. To me it shows respect for others to keep the details to yourself.

I disagree with this to some extent. Her honesty may be what saves this boyfriend from ending up in the trash bin of her disposed lovers.

She hasn't had healthy sexual behaviors, or relationships. What she has described to him was having sex with all the guys on the football team, behind the stadium, one right after another.

This woman is a self-described nymphomaniac, in other words, without a moral compass that what she's doing is both dangerous and self-destructive to herself and others. She could easily be a pariah IMO.

I'm just wondering what it is he sees in her (long distance now,) in addition to what he considers a "healthy" sex life with her? She is hardly healthy in her sex libido, and is obsessed with sex rather than emotionally intimate with her partner/s. Somewhere she's had a disconnect between sex, love, and a one-on-one relationship. I doubt very much she is monogamous as present boyfriend dates her. Fact she's still on the swingers online account says volumes, where they met.

I'd be taking Aquarius' advice and running like the wind from her. Starting fresh would be a blessing for theviking. This woman is broken. He isn't going to fix her.

You're right in that "normal" people wouldn't be discussing their sexual exploits in detail such as she has with him. But she isn't normal. He needs to take the hint now instead of the emotional fallout that will come the longer he waits to break it off with her.

Yeah, she's pretty much shouting from the rooftops, "I can't do this." The over-sharing is just the latest symptom.

But why is he asking so often?

She seems like the type that gets bored w/ relationships after a few years. There are people like that. Very doubtful that she would be in it with you for the long haul. In other words not long-term relationship material.

The OP makes me kind of sad. This is why I don't discuss my sexual history. As a result of having been abused and that abuse not dealt with properly, I could tell some stories that would make your hair curl. I acted just like how you described your girl's behavior because in my twisted, abused mind sex = love, so if someone was willing to have sex with me, that was all the love I could get and I'd take it. And then I grew up and matured and finally understood that 95% of the men I'd had sex with didn't love me at all and I had to learn to love myself. Which I never really have, and that's why I'm pushing 50 and single. That and judgey assholes who think I am less of a person somehow because I had some shit to work out with respect to my sexuality. So this thread makes me think I should probably lie to any future potential mate (IF, big if, that is even possible at this point in my life; I think that ship has sailed and I'll die single).

Because I know a lot of people out there think like the OP, that sexuality = morality. You already think poorly of her and I can see that respect is ebbing away every time she tells a new story.

Frankly, I think you are too uptight for her. You seem to think that having sex with different people makes her a bad person. I would not want to be partnered with someone who thinks I am less of a person because I enjoy sex. I think you should do her a huge favor and dump her. You are only going to continue looking down on her and she will continue to feel like a complete piece of shit. I can't even understand WHY you are asking about her exes and her experiences. How is that even relevant? More importantly, why do you think it's any of your business? Bless her heart for trying to be honest. She should lie.

Aside from my past conquests and relationships teaching me a few things about myself, none of those things have much effect on current relationships. I grew up and grew. I got therapy. My behavior in my 20s looks absolutely nothing like my behavior now. Once a slut ≠ always a slut. And I hate using that word in this context because it's so perjorative and judgey.

All relationships require mutual trust, mutual respect, and honest, two-way communication -- and both parties must be committed to working on those three things when one or more starts to fall apart or the relationship will dissolve. Based on reading your OP, I'd say trust and respect are going right out the window for you. And I'd also suggest that the two of you are not equally yoked. And long-distance relationships are bullshit anyway -- it's fake intimacy. You fall in love with the idea of the relationship; you haven't actually spent enough 1:1 time to really understand one another. There's no there there.

Be kind and move on. This is not the relationship you're looking for.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 09:52AM by dogzilla.

I don't think he's looking down at her. I think he is looking down the road.

Way to go dogzilla....I love this response. Amazing how fast exmos pull out the old puritanical Mormon "immorality" standards.

;o)

What is that elusive perfect number of partners a woman is allowed to have before her past becomes a burden?

You either get people complaining how their wives are prudes or the exes are harlots, so what is the acceptable amount of people a woman can sleep with and not be thought of as damaged goods or amoral?

Other than a reasonable concern (easily mitigated by testing) about STDs, I personally wouldn't worry about the # of her past sex partners. As David Gates says, how many came before it really doesn't matter, just as long as you're the last :)

IMHO, the "justifiable" concern is the cheating. From what you've said, she hasn't got a clue how to commit to a relationship. That should indeed concern you, and if it looks like that's going to be a continuing thing, you need to decide if you can or want to live with that -- knowing she's likely to sleep with somebody she meets & likes (or gets drunk with) while she's with you. If you're OK with that, go right ahead. I'm betting you're not OK with that, though...?

I dunno, Joseph Smith's past isn't too much for Mormons. How much honesty is too much? Would you rather be lied to? I think the question to ask is "would she be good for you"? Love is always the easy part. Assume she's going to have some "oops, I did it again" moments. Can you live with that?

The main purpose of Tinder is hooking up for sex with strangers. The fact you met her there says something about you, too. It's just that you're way down in the minor leagues while she's a big league veteran.

That said, I dated a woman for a while (having met the old fashioned way without computer assistance) who from her teens to her early thirties was deeply involved in swinging and the alternative sex scene. Hundreds and hundreds of partners of all kinds. But she stopped enjoying that stuff, burned out on it. She wanted a relationship. We got along pretty well, and because of her past she had no sexual inhibitions and was fun in bed. But other incompatibilities caused conflict, so it didn't work out.

It's possible your girlfriend has changed her ways, or could. We all like to think we are the special one someone would love so much that they would change their life to please us. It's great for our egos. But I think that kind of change is very rare.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 01:29PM by Stray Mutt.

How long ago was said behavior?

People can change. If she has changed or moved on be thankful for the honesty. Because of her experience she may be more fun and be able to teach you a few things :)

Long distance she can get away with being duplicitous so spend some time with her, see how she is now, not how she was years ago. Then make the best decison based on your needs and hers. Its not like you have to settle down forever but she may be the ONE for you. It would suck to let her go based on moral standards from a church you no longer belong to.

Couple counselling would be warranted if it gets more serious like marriage or cohabitation. But for now see where it goes

it is something that can dog you for a long time, though. my wife wasn't nearly that sexually active before we were married. she supposedly told me everything, but didn't, and I keep learning new things years later. withholding stuff makes me very angry. a couple of the things that happened would have turned me away from marrying her but it's too late. so be careful. think about how it could affect you in future if you learn something entirely new.

Apparently her past is too much for you.

I dated a nonmormon at age 20 and one of the reasons I chose not to marry him is because of his sexual past. He was 24. And I was a mormon prude. (And I had to have the TM.)

When we reconnected almost 12 years ago, some of the past came back to haunt me and I also asked about the women. He had told me in the 1970s that he had had sex with 18 women. I'm sure it is many more than that. We were long-distance for about 7 years. At one time, the sister of one of his past girlfriends contacted him and, although she was married, she was obviously making a play for him and he was totally oblivious. She was a long distance away from him. I finally just told him that he either stopped talking to her or he would be not talking to me. And that was the end of that.

I talked to my LONG-TIME therapist about these things. I can't remember all he said. He is also an exmo and so was able to deal with my attitudes. Not like I didn't have issues with my gay ex's past sexual partners either. I just loved running into them in stores ALL THE TIME.

One thing, I wish I had never known the histories of either of them, my gay ex and my boyfriend. What's the point? My boyfriend has chosen me and we have a good relationship, and have made it work for us for 12 years, but it was my therapist that helped me deal with it all. I don't give a shit who he had sex with before now, for many reasons. I've gone on long enough. I'd go talk to a therapist if I were you. You don't really know how your mormon background is effecting how you see this relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 05:01PM by cl2.

Some women with this kind of history have had some serious trauma early in life, like being molested or otherwise mistreated. Has she ever mentioned anything like that? The cheating is probably still going on and will not stop because for her, it is how it works. Not being able to deal with this does not make you a prude. Be cautious and do not get too involved in something you may very much regret.

I don't know if you know this person well enough to make a determination about her past and about her present, even.

What does she think of her sexual history? What does she want in the present? What kind of future does she see for herself?

You haven't had the kind of time together to build real trust. It's not that either of you are or are not trustworthy, it's just that it's too soon to know either way.

"If the past doesn't matter, neither will the future"© M@t (from this bored)

Thought-quote from another avid reader, trailblazer, and occasional ("righter, especially since I lefter") writer & inventor.

Listen to U2, the original (and best teacher) ssv.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2016 06:54PM by readwrite.

When you cannot empathize or be nostalgic in your old age for those (shared culture) of "good old daze" both your bodies a re too old for as you hobble into hospice unbent by a life fairly well spent

Not something moralists say sadly happened to you you need to repent

A gain I refocus & I'll restate it more clearly: when is someone's past too much (for you) - when it's not something you can relate to,
Find virtue in or celebrate a (shared) journey in or through/ rejoicing in your own voice or part in it

She told you she is a snake. Don't be surprised when she acts like a snake.

If your goal is to be a snake handler, it might work. However, you'll likely get bitten eventually.

Just don't go into it thinking she will change into a lamb.

Dealing with her past might balance her having to deal with your Mormon past.
I went there once and it was the worst nightmare of my life.

Wow, can't believe the shaming on here. If you are worried about STDs, get tested. That's each person's responsibility. I'd never enter into a relationship without getting tested and requiring it of my partner if they've previously been sexually active. It only takes one partner to get one.

If you can't deal with it, that is on you and she deserves someone who will fully accept her.

My husband had a lot of insecurities. When he was single and finding himself, he slept with a LOT of women and cheated on his ex. I also slept with many people, though not nearly as many. I would never dream of cheating on him and neither would he, on me. Discuss your feelings with her. What are her feelings about your past? About hers? Maybe spend less time discussing the sex and more time discussing what she wants now, with you. If my husband had judged me, I wouldn't have considered him good enough for me.

Also, watch Chasing Amy.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2016 12:40PM by Loyalexmo.

If people shunned me because of my past (multiple failed relationships, drug and alcohol addiction, stealing to support my habit, myriad diseases [including STDs], two current incurable types of cancer, two failed businesses, crappy financial planning resulting in my "golden years" being fool's good, etc.) I'd have the whole planet to myself.

Which wouldn't be so bad. I bet I'd find a lot of snacks people had abandoned in their haste to get away from me.

The problem is my wife. She loves me unconditionally and accepts me as I am, warts (literal and figurative) and all. She won't go away. So I'd have to share the snacks.

So very well

Lots of good responses above, and lots of good reasons to run. I want to address this from a little different angle than I've seen above though.

This really isn't about her. It's about you.

You are clearly bothered by her "history." This is a sort of natural, primal, instinctive response. To some extent it would be up to your level of personal sophistication to be able to rise above these thoughts and be able to deal with it.

You wouldn't be here asking these questions if you weren't already concerned.

I was in a very similar situation many years ago. And, unfortunately, I followed through and married the girl. At that time, she was the Christian equivalent of Molly-Mo: she was at church every time the doors were open, baking cookies and food for potlucks, teaching Sunday School, tending the nursery. You name it, she was there doing it. My point is not that she was "good," but that she had "changed."

But... she had previously had much more sexual experience than me. Of course, I enjoyed doing it with her, but I was bothered that so many others had too.

So, we dated for a couple years, and then were married for a couple of years.

But, here's the thing. Even though she had "changed," and we were the cute little church couple, and everybody loved us, yada yada yada, I would be eaten alive inside at times by her past:

-If she wasn't in the mood (heaven forbid), I'd starting thinking things like, "Oh, so I'm the only guy you've ever said 'no' to" (as if her past meant she was never allowed to "say no").

-Any time another guy said hello to her, or acknowledged her, I'd be wondering, "have you slept with him?"

-She was pretty friendly with a cousin of mine, and I started to suspect that they were fooling around (found out years later that my cousin was gay).

My point is, all your GF's issues and history aside, and even whether she's capable of changing her ways, will you truly be able to deal with it? Even if she "changes?" Even two, three or four years down the road, will you be able to put your concern about her past behind you?

Again, these are primitive, instinctive emotions. In fact, one reason why the Morg and other controlling religions are able to succeed is because they tap into and control people using these very emotions. "Sanctifying" and "legitimizing" the primitive emotions people feel.

I'm going to be honest with you. I thought I could deal with her past, but it ate me alive at times. Not to be graphic, but are gonna be able to lay in bed, horny because she "won't do it with you," thinking about the guys she had threesomes with, or wondering if she's not in the mood because she did it with your best friend or boss earlier in the day? Those are the kind of thoughts that will run through your mind.

In my case, obviously, we ended up splitting up, not because of this directly, but it perhaps contributed indirectly. That's not really the point, and neither is what I'm about to say, but when she decided to go she reverted to form. She cheated on me with at least one other guy (and, yes, a guy from church). I had a job that took me away for periods of time, and she wound up pregnant with some other guy.

So, in addition to all the other good reasons to run listed above, if you aren't absolutely sure that you can put these concerns behind you, you'd better cut her loose, because your concerns will come back to haunt you when you least expect it, I promise you that.

By the way, I'm not condemning your GF. This is about you, and your perception of things, not her, or who she is (or was). I agree with the others above, though, that she seems to have some serious issues, and there are a whole lot of good reasons to bail on this relationship. But the biggest one is you, and your own emotions and sanity.

If you think love conquers all, just be aware that there's a lot to conquer, and I suspect the biggest, deepest, darkest thing you'll have to conquer is your own feelings.

Anon4this4sure Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Lots of good responses above, and lots of good
> reasons to run. I want to address this from a
> little different angle than I've seen above
> though.
>
> This really isn't about her. It's about you.

> (the balance omitted for bandwith)



Wow.

Talk about somebody who has "done the work." You have described the root issue so very well. The OP is responsible to insight for only himself, and can move forward (or not) without trying to predict her future behavior.