Posted by:
Anonymous for this
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Date: December 05, 2016 02:47AM
Sometimes we beat ourselves up for being on a downer--and that makes us even more unhappy. Please be kind to yourself. A lot of people have a rough time at Christmas--even without a death or a break-up.
Other people's expectations from you--that Christmas joy, gift-giving, entertaining and socializing at Christmas parties, etc. etc.--make you feel like you are a disappointment to everyone. Perhaps you are not really disappointing your boyfriend that much. Most men I know don't really like Christmas parties, don't like to Christmas shop, or bake cookies, or wrap presents, or sing Christmas songs. Exactly what is your boyfriend expecting from you? You could talk about it.
It doesn't have to be "all-or-nothing." I know families that go skiing on Christmas, go to a midnight religious service, or go to a movie, or just hang out, quietly at home. Christmas can be about quiet reflection. Remembering Christ, along with the Santa Claus hype. It can be about working through your grief, if that's what you want to do.
I like that idea of giving yourself a present!
I have had sorrows, too, and abuse. I have PTSD, and one of the symptoms is to retreat from others, but I life around that. I'm an introvert, but I do love to visit and party with my family. I get so involved in their stories and jokes and the singing (we're a musical family) and the antics of the little kids, that I forget myself. Forgetting yourself for a few hours is a great escape! The next day, I balance this out by retrenching with a good book, or laundry and chores, alone, at home, in silence. I need to do this. Maybe you're just a normal, balanced person, and you need a break from your boyfriend, for just a few days, now and then. He might be too clingy, or he might be trying to dominate you--I don't know--but something else might be going on, unrelated to Christmas.
Learn to say "no" to the parts of Christmas that bother you the most. I actually enjoyed NOT going to the ward Christmas party, and NOT watching the First Presidency Devotional. Ugh! I also am not going to the party my TBM ex-inlaws are giving. My children are going, but my ex doesn't even speak to them, and all that is water under the bridge. I avoid situations that might cause "flashbacks."
Accept yourself, and don't force it or fake it, if that makes you feel worse. Sometimes the best way out, is straight through the middle. What I mean is, go ahead and cry (but not for days and days) if you need to. Everything in moderation. Spend an evening alone with your pet, sipping cocoa and watching movies (that have nothing to do with Christmas), once in a while--but you don't need to eat yourself into a carb hangover. Having PTSD, doing something low-key, and alone, is comforting to me. Here are some things I do, and my friends do, when we have the Holiday Blues:
Put wreaths on the graves of your special loved ones. I go alone, and scrape the snow and leaves off the graves, and trim the grass back.
Sign up for "Sub For Santa", and shop for gifts and food, wrap everything, and deliver them on Christmas Day. Our Fire Department does "Toys for Tots", and Shriner's Hospital has bins for toys at grocery stores. Donate or help at the food bank.
A widow friend bakes cinnamon rolls and delivers them hot for Christmas breakfast. She doesn't come in or stay, because she has a lot of deliveries to make. She is busy and occupied all of Christmas morning.
Some people bring home homeless pets, for those few days.
I play the piano at a Senior care center, and people can sing along, or not. Singing is therapeutic, much like yoga-breathing is, only more so.
Anyway, what these activities have in common is that you don't have to "fake it". You don't even have to talk, if you don't want to. You are going through motions and having thoughts that will make you feel better.
Sorry you have had so many set-backs. Enjoy your kids, and don't rush things with your boyfriend. You need to let that relationship evolve slowly, because you are too vulnerable right now. Maybe later!