Dear friends here on RfM, my heart is absolutely shredded.

*sigh*

sorry to hear,
If it helps a lot of people are single/divorced? (myself included) Is she the kind that is vindictive and will cause all kind of made up legal problems, or expect alimony?

I am so sorry, Ed.

I think she'll be very sorry indeed.

Sorry bro. You should contact John Dehlin to tell your story.

Families can be together forever - until they go up like Bikini Atoll back in the 50s. Don't let anybody tell you cults are harmless.

If you're done with her can I have her? I wanted to jump into a wood chipper, but it's having mechanical problems.

Many of us here have been through divorce. It hurts like hell at first. Then comes the healing part. Then comes the part where you wonder what you ever saw in that woman, and you begin to fall in love with yourself all over again, and thank your lucky stars she gave you a new lease on life.

So sorry for what you're going through. It really is the hardest part of a breakup, when you're in the crux of it.

Remember you will get through it, and there will come a day when you'll be happy again.

Edzachery, I'm very sorry. ((((((BIG BRO HUGS)))))). Go forward, friend, I don't have words to tell you how much I care.

I'm so sorry, Edzachery. First thing Monday morning, call in sick to work and lawyer up. Get the best divorce lawyer in town. Let your wife get the second best.

The best thing was when the witch with a Capital B bought a broom and flew away. Yea for me.

Seriously -

Years ago I did some work for a man who had just gotten divorced and she took him to the cleaners with high alimony. He offered another man, a business partner, $50,000 in cash if the other man would marry her which would end the alimony he was paying. The other man agreed and took the woman out on a few dates. The plan was to marry her and then get it quickly annulled. Things were looking good until the other man told him, "I tried, I really tried, but that woman is pure evil and I can't do it".

I'm sorry to hear it.

I'm also in the been-there-done-that camp. It hurt like hell that she would choose a cult over me. Eventually it got better and now life is great.

The pain was significant at the time though. We are here for you.

I am very sorry to hear this. From everything that you have written here, it is probably for the best, and in the long run, you will probably be better off. That doesn't make it any less painful. Again, I am sorry.

Has she noticed the 'single' women and families in the church. They are hurting!!!!

Mostly 'mentally'!!!! Also, financially, etc. etc.

I gave my TBM wife the choice and she didn't have to think about it at all! I was totally ready to leave Mormonism far behind if she didn't change her attitude.

Actually, once we had this discussion out of the way, our relationship got nothing but better.

This is the first time we have had a more 'honest' relationship. Which is needed now we don't have kids at home to 'keep married' for.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/09/2016 08:40PM by spiritist.

I'm so very sorry, ed.

You can come hang out with me and have a beer or three anytime.

is she serious about that or is it just her way of periodically working you over emotionally to keep you in line?

IF you can stand to do it and you can put her off, then do everything you can to put her off. Then suck every dollar that can out of your marital assets, then take it out and bury it in several selected good places. When the courts ask where it went, just say "Iontohh". sure they will act all ticked off about it but there is nothing they can do about it because the fact of the matter is that while you are married your spouse can steal as much as possible from marital assets do what ever they want to it with it including burning cash in a big pile or blowing all of it on a blow out trip to the casino Which you can say that you just do not recall so well because you were very very drunk at the time. That action is completely legal, there is nothing they can do as long as the assets appear to be

irretrievably spent. How do I know to do that, because it is essentially what the .......well I can NOT accurately call her a whore because Whores get paid for sex and she was paying her message therapist for sex so what ever the opposite of a whore is, thing I was married to did with our marital assets.You think that sounds radical? you are going to lose it anyway IF you do not do it !!!

Im sorry.

I hate the way Mormonism shatters families.

I have only one piece of advice:

DON'T MOVE OUT
DON'T MOVE OUT
DON'T MOVE OUT

You can do better.
The Red Pill won't necessarily make you happier, it will just help you see things the way they really are.
Freedom beats the hell out of mental slavery all day.
Congrats on emancipating yourself.

Stay in your home!!!!!!!!
Call her bluff. Ask for the name of her attorney and hope you already have one

Copy all tax returns for five years, copy asset documents, 401k, IRA documents. Cash value in life insurance.

Find out remaining mortgage. No way does she get season tickets!!

Prepare for life with much less strife.

Your Friend

Gatorman
8-4
7-2

Absolutely, Gatorman...I'm not going anywhere. I'm lawyering-up and gonna ride this out. Appreciate you, buddy.
Stay tuned.
-edzachery

Hang in there, Ed. Many of us have been down a road like yours (although yours is unique, as are they all).

I'm with our colleagues who urge you to stay in the house if possible.

You'll be good--you'll get through this. We've seen a bit of your heart in your posts; it speaks well of you. I have faith in you.

getbusylivin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> We've seen a bit of your heart in your posts; it speaks
> well of you. I have faith in you.

^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^

U (we) can bet tscc will back her, regardless of dishonesty, greed, or hatred; they did mine with All Those Included...

That is so tragic. I'm very sorry.
Sadly, since she sounds very resentful combined with having no job history, I fear that if she really intends to go through with it, you'd better get prepared. I'm sure you know that.
Change in religion is a big adjustment. Any chance she'd be willing to TRY to work through that adjustment with marriage counseling?

Don't let your guard down.

I have found in my 50 years of living that you get to see who people REALLY are when they go through a divorce. You probably already know in your guts how your soon-to-be-ex will behave. Trust your gut. Protect yourself. I am NOT saying to be a selfish asshole. I'm just saying that you will be going through a time where you are particularly vulnerable and a TBM woman (who has been conniving her whole life) will swoop in and take advantage of that. Take the high road and be fair but don't settle for something that is not fair to you.

I don't know you or the particulars of your case. All I'm saying is that you should protect yourself and make sure you can account for all of your community property and the needs and desires of your children if you have any.

Do what Smirkorama, Gatorman and Praydude advise--and do it immediately.

If you have children, you need control of the assets. You will be doing this for THEM, so don't feel guilty about it. Someone needs to be reasonable, and practical, here.

I went through an awful divorce, in which my then-husband completely abandoned me and the children, blindsiding us, the day after Christmas, over the phone. He said he was not going to pay alimony or child support, and that the kids and I would "be OK." I was a TBM SAHM with no job, and he had recently moved us 800 miles from home. I ran to the bank as soon as it opened, but it was too late. All the assets were gone, and hidden away. I hired an attorney, but got only the minimum child support, for the minimum amount of time--which he consistently didn't pay.

Anyway, the person you love, just might not love you back. The person you take care of, and entertain, and provide a life for, just might not appreciate you. A father just might suddenly abandon his sweet little children, and not even contact them again for many years, if at all.

You do not deserve to be rejected. My aunt, a psychologist, says that selfishness is the number one cause of divorce. When someone is as selfish and Narcissistic as your wife, it wouldn't matter how wonderful her husband is. A selfish person decides what they want, and then they get it, at any cost. My narcissistic ex-husband threw his children under the bus, and they absolutely did not deserve to be treated like that!!!! Neither do you.

You do what you have to do, and it will make you feel better, to be more in control. Time will pass, slowly, things will be resolved. Another man will emerge in your wife's life. 90% of the time, there is someone else.

Life was rough for me and my children--rougher than we thought we could endure--but at the same time we were happy and enjoying life and love and accomplishment. Never once, did I want my ex back. I fell out of love with him in an instant! All he had to say is, "I don't want a family, and I don't want kids. I don't care what happens to them."

Emotionally, my divorce was easier, because I didn't have the pain of love lost, or the longing to have my ex come back to me. I was glad to be rid of the jerk. 15 years later, he's still a jerk.

Someday--maybe even right now, maybe in a month or a year--you will be so happy to be rid of her! Trust me in this!

^^^^This^^^^^

This is an interesting thread. The first several posts were all advice to hide the assets, spend or hide the money, cut the wife off from any possible income whatsoever "'cause you're gonna lose it all anyway."

And then this post, from the wife's perspective, "Shit, I had no skills, no job, no work experience, and no way to feed the kids or pay the mortgage. My ex screwed us hard."

The rest of exmo: Yeah. Screw her. And your children. Let them starve! Fucking bitch deserves it!

Do any of you bitter divorcees have any empathy or concern for the innocents in these divorces at all -- the children? Geez, I have to wonder... WTF is wrong with some of you? So hateful. So willing to encourage someone to let his children just starve and suffer.

Let's take a deep breath, everybody. Sure, there are opposing viewpoints on this topic...some borne from bitter experiences. I appreciate getting all sides of the story.

I'm not about to "screw over" the soon-to-be-ex or my children, the youngest of which is almost 18...so that shouldn't be a problem. I realize I'm going to lose a large chunk of change due to her being so indoctrinated and brainwashed by the LD$ Corporation. It hurts that she has shown that her love for tscc eclipses anything we ever had in almost 23 years of marriage. At this point, I'm leaning heavily towards the attitude of: "I will always love you because you are the mother of my children. And our 20+ years of marriage resulted in approximately 10 of the best years of my life (yes, you read that right). ;) But, without arguing, again, any of the right versus wrong of LD$, Inc., I have to put logic, evidence, and truth to their test. I tried 23 years to live the Morg way purely on faith. What did that get me? "Doubt your doubts"??? WTF?? "Where will you go? What will you do?" Double-dog WTF????? More mindless drivel from the afossils, who want to blame everyone but themselves for tscc hemorrhaging membership."

So...I'm not going to be a class-A prick about this with my soon-to-be-exwife, but I am going to protect myself, as has been actively encouraged here. Also, I suspect that this divorce is going to hasten the emancipation of two of my >18 year old offspring still living at home. Thank you for your balanced approach to the suggestions offered here, Dogzilla. Rest assured, everyone, I would never let my children, even my adult children, starve or live in the street somewhere.

I have been a good husband; a good provider; a good father. I will not allow the hushed, whispered murmurings of the local LD$ membership to define what I will become in the future, nor minimize what I was in the past. I busted my ass so that my wife could stay home with our children for their entire lives...she has NEVER had to hold a job while we were married. It was worth the 18-hour work days to know that she was there for our children. And now? She wants to kick me to the curb because of truth. I wish her nothing but the best in her future.

And I will miss her.

Best regards, edzachery.

Sounds like a wise, sensible approach, ed.
And like others, I feel real empathy for your situation, and wish I could make things easier for you.
If you ever need a sympathetic ear, or just somebody to rant to, get in touch off the board.
Hang in there.

I went to the 6 best attorneys in town for their free hr, Initial visit. Once done she cannot use those lawyers. Conflict of interest.
In the end she got kirton..mckonkie ( church laywers)and they did a poor job.
If your in utah i have a name..she is a tiger

You have been handed an opportunity to have happier life.
Who the heck wants to stay with a woman, wants divorce?

I wish I could make this time easier for you.

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words of care and support.

On a related note: I'm watching the show "Leah Remini:Scientology and the Aftermath" on A&E, Episode 2, "Fair Game." Creepily familiar to the Morg. Mike Rinder, a former head of Scientology's Office of Special Affairs, has his personal story told in this episode. Apparently the Scientologists are big on shunning non-compliant family members and ripping families apart.

Stupid (cult) is as stupid (cult) does.

Okay, good, fine, but please tell us you've made the "free hour" appointments with the six best lawyers, as Milk toast suggested. You can trust yourself to be as kind, loving and generous as you like, but you cannot trust her TBM advisors to be/do the same. If you like, you can even send her "alimony" to which you are not legally obligated - but, it would be a choice, not a mandate.

Don't let the sadness and depression you are feeling keep you from protecting yourself!

*Holly hills gives edzachary a swift kick in the rear* Turn off the tube and get movin'!

Thanks, holly. This turd was dropped on my on a Friday evening, so there were no law offices open and offering advice at that time. I do fully intend to lawyer-up at first light Monday morning. The TV watching was merely a time-waster to try to pass some time.

This is a good thing.

You get to realize she loves the Church more than she loves you.
Which means you deserve better.

Chin(s) up, someone getting off the edzachery bus simply means there's room for somebody better to get on.

So sorry! Getting dumped by a TBM spouse hurts like hell. But once it's done, they have no more control over you and no more power to hold your emotions and your life hostage to a made-up religion.

What you're getting: freedom. Freedom is everything.

I feel for you that your wife chose Joseph Smith, Temples and Thomas S. Monson, yeah, even the prophet (sarcastic voice) over her husband. Clearly, she married them and not YOU!

This happened to me. My ex's true colors were in full display during our separation and during the last 8 years of divorce.

Make her pay by liquidating all assets. I wish I had demanded we sell the house. I got other properties that were supposedly equal in value, but selling the residence would have changed her life dramatically and she would have felt at least some change other than "my apostate husband is no longer living with me."

Do as a good friend of mine told me many times during the Separation..."Put your D**k on and protect yourself first financially and your children." Many men have a tendency to go soft on their wife in hopes of getting back together again. She wants to cut off contact and divorce you - then you do the same and dump all thoughts and actions of co-dependency. Had I done all these things, I would be much better off now with my children and financially and emotionally. I'm in a good place now, but I was absolutely crushed and wanted more than anything else to be with my wife and kids. Divorce is war and in war, you play to win. You use every weapon and tactic to win. She will. You can count on it. My ex did and I paid way more than I should have in money, time, emotion, effort, tears and much more.

You are stronger than you realize. You have the truth. She has a fairy tale. Go win for yourself and for your children.

EdZ- We've written. I am here for you. My phone is open to you if you want. Trust me on this. Truly. It's dark right now. I know. Questioning everything. It's hard to realize that a cult has more value than your love. Damn, I feel your space. Promise though, that you can get through this. Life is changing, but you will eventually look back and admit this change is worth the present pain. Be well my friend.

It is a hard row to hoe, but many of us have done it successfully.
I agree with the others: do not leave your home, lawyer up quickly. My piece of advice is to secure half of the assets in the bank NOW before she has a chance to empty the account.

Nobody should settle for someone who doesn't want them. My SIL lawyer gave her this sign to put on the bathroom mirror and told her to recite it every time she went in there:
HE DOESNT WANT ME. ONE DAY THIS WONT HURT. F_<K YOU BRIAN.

Pretty soon it was true.

I know it hurts; but you can handle it.

I agree with everyone who said don't let her empty your account.
My brother had a check bounce for the first time in his life. That's how he discovered his soon to be exwife had cleaned out the account. In that and several other ways he underestimated what she was capable of. (And no not for the children. They had no children.)

I'm so sorry, Ed.

Don't be the one to move out.

Peace be with you!

My wife took me out on the deck and told me she thought we should get divorced. I said fine, you can leave, because I'm not. And lets go in the house and you can tell the kids why you're tearing the family apart.

She sat outside for a while and then told me perhaps we could work things out.

She was really worried about her image and what the kids would think of her. Couldn't handle taking any blame for anything.

We're still together, but I have no illusions about marriage. Mostly a practical arrangement which benefits both. Takes a while to accept that marriage is a scam.

I haven't followed your story, but together you should both sit down with the kids and she can explain why she wants to destroy your family. Without you there, who knows what she'll tell them, which might affect your future relationship.

I have been right where you are.

I can PROMISE you there is a light at the end of the tunnel..and it's not an oncoming train.

THIS sucks. Its painful. You already got a lot of good advice,but I want to add a few more things to think about.

*If you have kids, do what ever it takes to split amicably as possible. ALWAYS be there for your kids and never speak poorly about their other parent. Kids are smart. They will figure stuff out as they get older.

*Keep good records. Document all your assets, what can be liquidated, important dates, etc. Keep it all in one secure place.

*Tell your lawyer your idea fair outcome. Lawyers are not emotional counselors. They will walk you thru the legal process, not the emotional one.

*Get into a support group. There are several online, but there are several meeting places in the real world too.

*Be kind to yourself and do things for yourself. Once the dust settles..do something for yourself you were never permitted/comfortable doing in your marriage. (Provided its possible, legal, healthy and safe! :)

*Seek out dear friends that are a good support, but also let people know you might shy away.

This is a lot to go thru...you will be ok.

RMM

I am so sorry to hear that.

Another thing... when you meet new people or go out with friends don't be THAT guy who does nothing but talk about divorce/ex.

When I first separated and started on divorce, I did that. I went out with a group and ended up talking peoples ears off about it.

My friend had tell me to stop... I was also getting tired of hearing myself talk about it.

I know its the biggest thing in your life now,,, but allow new stuff to come in.

Roger that, JVN087. I'm already drawing up some plans for the future, and it involves me on a big motorcycle cruising some of the backroads up-and-down the Mid-Atlantic region of our beautiful country. I want new stuff: adventures, friends, challenges, rewards, etc. -edz

I'm IN! Regional craft beers, loud laughing with friends, and cussing--now that's life! Seriously, EDZ, your above post on divorcing with dignity was very powerful. I had eight wonderful years before things started crumbling and know exactly what you meant. You are a man with integrity. The Boner.

Sounds good, Boner! Listen, man...you have no idea how your words of kindness have touched me. I appreciate everybody on this board more than I could ever convey with words. Thank you all, so much. It seems that I have gotten something in my eye all of the sudden.
-edzachery

I hate this so much. Seeing an evil money-grubbing cult destroy families. I didn't divorce directly because of the church. I married an asshole because of the stupid church teachings I was raised with. Divorce was inevitable. My kids had no problem with my leaving the church.

So it is hard for me to put myself in the situation of people who have to pretend to believe, or at least go along silently, or lose their families. I want to say to people, "oh do whatever you have to do to keep your family in tact," especially if they have a good marital relationship. And I've seen some people who have been able to do it, but it works because they are able to compromise.

But the ones who have to totally fake it, take leadership positions, go to the temple, while being far past the possibility of ever believing again, just to keep their family in tact are the ones I really feel for. My hat goes off to them, but I don't know how they do it.

You were put in a hard spot, my friend. And it sounds like you are going to try to make the best of it. Good luck to you. Keep lines of communication open with your children and just let them know constantly that you are there for them. I know a lot of people who have very good communication with their ex. I'm certainly not one of them, but having a ton of divorced friends, I've seen some very good situations. There is no reason yours can't be one of them.

Eventually, your children will come to despise the LDS church as much as you do.

So sorry to hear this. You've done everything to make this work in spite of differences.

I've seen this happen so many times, but I've also seen the exmo spouse come out on the other side happier (eventually).

You are a good man. You deserve to be happy and accepted and loved for who you are. And this woman is not capable of that. She has been blinded and manipulated by this cult so that she doesn't even know how to recognize how good you are, or love you unconditionally. She is trapped by the church. But now you can be truly free to move on.

I wish you the best.

So...the bad news is you are looking at 10+ years of spousal support.

The good news is since she is TBM, she won't be able to have sex without marrying first...and thus ending your spousal support commitment.

So there's that.

Good luck man. I've been there too.

I shed a tear or two for you. I apologize that your soon to be ex wife refuses to see the true edzachery. Her god is the image she wants for all her peers to see. The image that she was force fed all her life.


Please remember that she manufactured her own victim-hood. You didn't create this. The church told her to victimize herself.

Your situation right now has been my worst nightmare materialized. That is why I started posting here more than a year ago with the moniker scaredhusband.

I have offered several times before, there will always be room at my table for you.

You have handled your situation with honor and integrity. You can walk with your chin up and chest out because there is nothing that you could have done better. I would happily associate myself with you and I would wear it like a badge of honor.

Please keep up updated, your friend, scaredhusband.

Thank you, scaredhusband. I am humbled by your kindness. Your friend, edzachery.

praydude is right about one thing. She may re-marry quite fast.

Mine did (thank-effing god!) Three months dating then married.
Yeah Baby, Yeah!

None of my kids like the guy, three of them are TBM, two are not.

I was the empathetic dad in the divorce proceedings. I know what it feels like edzachery. Sucks biggest of the big time. I was notified by mail while she was visiting family (guess where?).

I should have contacted a lawyer sooner than I did. The guy did next to nothing for me. I did in fact get screwed as I had it checked only too late to change.

You can have empathy but not so much as to be dinner for a wolf.

BTW. Life is a thousand times better now. Incredible really.
I have more of everything and since I control my money way more of that.

OH, mine was a church divorce. Non-belief ya know.

"We don't shun" The eff you say Holland!

I had 12 years of marriage flushed down the toilet when i stopped being a tbm. I stopped going to church and she threatened to leave me if i didn't start going again. Well she chose the cult over me. Didn't matter that we had kids or that my behavior didbt change.

Expect her to marry fast or start sleeping away. I have seen both from tbm who divorce their apostate husbands. Expect her to say how wonderful and large the new guy is. Expect your kids to be brainwashed. Only a cult produces this level of end it all and fast when you fall away and learn the truth.