Every now and then I find myself in this black hole of thinking about the church. I glance over the church website or I'll see pictures of friends I have who are still in the church and remember the days of when I was in the church. Slowly but surely I start to question everything about if it was really horrible as it seemed (I know it was, I just question).

Do you ever have thoughts like this or anything similar to this?

I'm not going back, just stuck in a black hole of indoctrination.

Yes, I still get our ward newsletter online. I look at the photos of old friends, and of their children, all grown up. For many years, their children played at our house. We cried and comforted each other when our parents died of old age. They confided in me, about their various marriage crises, problems with their kids, etc. I brought them dinners when they were sick. I accompanied them, when they performed in sacrament meeting.

Do me a favor, please. Ask yourself the question: "Why aren't these people in my life, now?"

These Mormon neighbors haven't spoken to me for 9 years, since I (peacefully, quietly, politely) resigned from their church. Why is that?

Why would I ever want to go back to those false friends, and allow them to lie to me and use me again?

More important, why would I ever allow myself and my children to be lied to again--the same lies--again and again and again. It had to stop.

I felt that way a little the last time I went back soon before I made up my mind to resign and was finally done with the whole lot of them.

After my parents deaths two months apart, and needing to leave where my children and I were currently attending at the time (the former RLDS, now Community of Christ,) we went back out of what best can be described as "nostalgia," for the life I once had when things seemed more secure, warm, and fuzzy than they were then.

Only I was so mistaken. Going back only reinforced why I'd left in the first place. By then I'd already read several of the earlier books on church history, so things started to fall into place and I was finally seeing it for the first time as a cult, in place of a church.

I attended the investigators classes instead of the regular Gospel Doctrine, for a change, since I'd been away for some years. When I had questions for those "teachers" and missionaries arranging the discussions, I was met with blank, glazed over stares. "All is not well in Zion," was echoing through my inner chambers. :)

It finally had sunk in I was inside a cult. Went a few more times after that. My last Sunday @ church, the last meeting I went to the RS president asked the women in the RS class that day did any of us ever entertain any doubts about the truth of the church, because she certainly had? For the longest pause up to a minute or longer, no one dared sigh or whisper an audible response to her question, and the room was filled with dread and antipathy.

Finally she broke the dreaded silence by saying, "Well, neither do I," and proceeded with her lesson.

Even I, who knew I had doubts and misgivings, couldn't bring myself to breaking that oppressive silence for fear of being outed as a dissident. So I too kept quiet. I felt ashamed, but as ashamed for everyone else in that room who probably felt a lot like me and that RS president teaching the lesson that day. That was the nail in the coffin for me at that point. So, after I left and was driving away, knew it would be the last time. I haven't been back since - no regrets. My chiefest regret was I didn't stay away the first time.

I left fifteen years ago and never looked back. I had no close friends, my callings were just busy work and I never fit in. when I am not working on weekends I love the idea of having a quiet day at home.

I liked that sense of community - in SOME ways - so I miss that SOMEtimes. I MUCH prefer not being tethered to any community 24/7, however.

Though I enjoyed the ward of my pre-college years, I had no close friends in my last ward. I only moved into it after college, there were basically no young adults in it, and I was already beginning my journey out of the church. Knowing what I know now, and knowing my own mind and beliefs, I simply can NOT be a part of the LDS community anymore.

I did not make any attempts to maintain church relationships, so I can't blame church members for being the same way. If you leave, church friends may feel rejected by YOU. You left THEM, after all.

To any who may want to salvage any of those church friendships, I feel like YOU should be the one to reach out to them a few times to assure them that you have not rejected them.
-- Wave at people you know - don't wait for them to wave to you first.
-- Send them a holiday card if you want. Don't wait to see if they send you one first.
-- Call them instead of waiting for them to call you
When you wait for them, they may also be waiting for YOU, and then it's going to die for sure if you don't reach out.

It still may not work out, because MOST church friendships are purely church-centered friendships, but if you had some friendships that you think were more than that, I wouldn't count them out unless you took the initiative first but were still rejected.

There is one couple from church that are still friends of ours. We like going out to plays or dinner together. They can talk of church things and we are fine with that and engage in the conversation about it. They know we don't believe in the church, but it seems to be okay. We don't live in Mormon country either, and they have other non-Mormon friends, so that helps.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/11/2016 11:41AM by seekyr.

A similar thing happened to me when I stopped drinking.

When I was a practicing alcoholic I visited my neighborhood bar at least three or four days a week, spending hours there each time. I shot pool and played the jukebox and met new "friends" and watched folks get married and have kids and I watched World Series and Super Bowl games etc. etc. It was a popular place and I was a popular "member"--I made dozens of "friends"--I even met my daughter's mother there.

But after devoting countless hours and dollars (and brain and liver cells) I finally came to my senses and stopped drinking, and stopped going to the bar. Once I was no longer drinking it made no sense to continue going.

Guess what? None of my old "friends" tried to contact me. Not one. Not once.

I missed some of them--just this morning I was listening to Miles Davis and recalled an old bar buddy who turned me on to jazz. For months after I cleaned up I was often lonely because I had no network of normal (non-alcoholic) friends. And every now and then I wanted to go back because I missed the "community"--even though I knew doing so ultimately would do me no good.

Finally I decided: either I live honestly, I live justly, I live according to my principles and to what I know is correct and good for me and others, or I don't. If others choose not to follow me, that's their problem.

For me, church = the neighborhood bar.

I'm sitting here thinking that is a profound analogy you've given us.

Thanks, doc!

Wow - that is the best description of the church I've read yet. What a great analogy - if only TBMs could wake up to the destruction that's being done to their spirits as you did with the alcohol, just imagine! Great post!

We often remember an old job or home with fondness in spite of knowing we were wise to chuck it.

It's the same with mormonism which has some comforting aspects to it although overall, it's a false authoritarian cult that held us back socially and emotionally. Indoctrination is another factor we have to surmount. We were trained to feel badly about leaving, thinking we're in jeopardy of losing whatever we hold dear.

Remind yourself that the truth matters to you and it doesn't matter to them. You can't soar like an eagle if you're stuck with a bunch of turkeys.

Love it!

Being a member of TSCC is like being in an abusive relationship. After you leave, you might occasionally miss the abuser or recall the good times. You might wonder if things were really as bad as you felt and thought they were. You might miss the social circle you had with the abuser and his/her family. You might doubt your decision to leave the toxic, harmful relationship. You might even mourn the relationship, such as it was, or mourn the relationship you wanted and thought you were going to have (but never did).

In both cases, the same activities help:
Recognize and mourn the relationship
Find new social circles and activities you enjoy
Use some of your newfound freedom, time, and money to do things you always wanted to do but never could
Allow yourself to feel what you feel, without judging or suppressing your emotions -- anger, betrayal, regret, sadness, frustration, confusion... whatever
Realize that a huge part of your identity is gone; it'll take a while to rediscover and redefine yourself, and that's OK
Learn to relax and enjoy the fact that you have taken back your life and nobody can dictate your choices or thoughts or define your identity and experience ever again
Start digging into that black hole of indoctrination one fake belief at a time and replace them with new ideas that make sense to you

Sometimes it takes years to move on, but that's ok. This is a great place to go through the process with people who've been there too.

I was actually in an abusive relationship for a few months so this really hits home. Thank you.

Dear Savagestarlight, what you're feeling is very normal and it's probably heightened by the holiday season. I, too, look back at some fond memories at times at BYU, my early years as a husband and Dad. My very complicated Mom often told me--with memories, you'll generally remember the best of times.

So, I'd encourage you to remember the good times you had in the church. Who we are (myself included) has been shaped by Mormonism. Embrace the good stuff and let go without guilt and shame the judgmental, stupid parts of Mormonism.

I'm long beyond wishing I could go back, but I do remember some good times and friends. I just wish that those good friends didn't drop me like a hot potato when I left. Very best wishes, The Boner.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/11/2016 07:36PM by BYU Boner.

I always remember the great things about growing up in TSCC. My baptism, scout trips, etc.
When I was able to acknowledge that no person or organization is perfect, it's pretty amazing.
Some people are downright wrong with their beliefs, and that is a fact. It's what makes my opinion powerful.
It may sound cliché, however remembering the good is a good thing.
Evolution.

Ummmm, no. Can't say I have. But it is nice once in awhile to have an excuse to attend mormon services to be reminded of how much I don't miss it and how awful they are. I honestly can't think of anything I've ever missed.

There were things I really did enjoy about the church.
Road shows, basketball games, stake dances, etc. etc.

I missed those things when I left, and I missed them for good reasons -- they were largely doctrine-free social events with people I often liked. After leaving, I no longer had an organization arranging social events for me. I had to make an effort to find some on my own, or arrange my own.

Missing the few decent parts, though, doesn't mean the church was "true," or even worthwhile. On balance, the oppressive, culty "bad" outweighed the "good" by a huge margin.

Keep that in mind :)

Exactly how I felt.

I was totally brainwashed having been born and raised in TSCC (i.e. RM, Temple, HP) BUT I hated the church and felt so smothered by it all the time. It's so ingrained that one has to suffer in order to be in the C-kingdom w/ your children though. I never questioned for the first four decades. I hated the time consuming boring activities, the weirdness of the members, the way I was viewed by my business associates, etc. For me, no way. I do not miss it at all. Life is so much better w/o that nonsense. I do often dream about the church though - being stuck in meetings, giving talks and lessons where I have to wing it.

I'm new here...resigned a couple of months ago. It's been a difficult adjustment. I don't know what I believe anymore and feel like my circle of acquaintances has decreased significantly. There's not a good reason to go back but I do feel lost. I also feel angry and afraid. I have nightmares about confrontations with family and friends. Anyone have any tips? I've told one family member but don't know how to tell the rest.

In the present thread your questions are kind of buried.

Many good and helpful people on this board!

Those thoughts are not stupid. The church is a tribe and we all need a tribe to be healthy. After I left, it was difficult to not have a community. When you heal yourself abandonment is all in your face. Find one person or a few good people to hang out with. FORCE yourself to get out. Get into the moment, find something happy with those people. It will help. The post hypnotic messages of the church are cast out and you can't be a person unless in the church. You are abandoned. Z

.


try jesus OPie


https://youtu.be/HMzZYkEGywI?t=4

If you want to restore your testimony, buy another bottle of Uncle Joe's Special Blend Turd Polish.

When that happens to me, I pour myself a stiff drink and the feeling quickly goes away. "Drinking spirits chases away the holy spirit." That's what my grandmother use to say. On the contrary, I find it relaxes the body and lets the mind ponderize smoothly.

Missing?

Only what I know-love.

I don't know tscc.

Tscc is having stupid thoughts of missing you OPie.