Hello all. It's been quite a while since I lasted visited this website but I found a lot of hope here when I first left Mormonism and I am looking for that hope again from the people here. Any feed back or advice is welcome.
I grew up in the heart of Utah County where about 85% or more of the population is Mormon, I was surrounded by it all my life. My life was this religion. However it never really stuck with me, I always knew is was bs, and when I was in my late teens I requested my name be removed from the records (which I learned to do from this site). It was a fairly smooth transition for me as I have always been strong willed and never let poleople even family get under my skin. I told my parents to either accept me or never hear from me again. I beat them to the ultimatum. They chose to live with it. I moved out of Utah to get my PH.D. in Astrophysics and became completely removed from the religion and the society, and been much happier for it. Until I visited my parents for the holidays back in Utah.
Every year when I was a kid we would go see the lights at Temple Square in SLC. So, when I visited my parents we went to Temple Square. Everything was fine for a while till the first hour passed. The lights and the grounds were beautiful but when we entered the visitor center I became overwhelmed. My parents wanted to watch a video by the Mormons and talk with an Elder. It was during the movie I began to become very nervous for some reason, then it turned into anxiety. I felt trapped there, helpless and scared. I figured it was claustrophobia but when I exited the center I didn't get better. I began remembering forgotten memories of being forced to go to church, to do my priesthood duty, and to live up to all the expectations. The terrible crushing feeling began to sweep over me till all I could think of was the horrors I went through as a kid: feeling of complete helplessness, I felt like a slave who had no freedoms but to obey the whims of those in charge, I felt I had no control over my life, and I felt a stong sense of guilt (not about anything specific I just felt like I had done something bad). To be clear I do not have panic attacks or deal with anxiety, this was something completely new. I sat on a bench for a while trying to get over it but it didn't help. I had to run. I had to get as far away from there as I possibly could. Once I left the walls that surround the Square I heard a man playing the guitar singing christmas songs. I stood to the side and as a 26 year man I sobbed on my knees in a croud of people.
After I left the square I felt peace, and freedom; I felt in control again. As I said, overall I had a fairly easy leave from the church, but It was still extremely difficult and emotional and I found comfort and solice in these forums then. So I come again to share my story and hope that someone can relate or have some kind or insightful words. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Or am I just crazy?

Some of us find it abhorrent as adults to be trapped in a nightmare from our youth.

It's like the reaction soldiers have when they wake up in a sweat thinking they're still on the battle field.

We were only vulnerable children when we were forced to pretend to believe mormon clap-trap and now that we're adults we don't want to have to go back to that trap.

You are NOT crazy. Feelings similar to claustrophobia, or others manifestations of panic, are very common when faced with sights, sounds, smells, or other triggers that remind us of past situations when control of own life was taken away to some degree.

I'm glad you felt peace once you left. I hope you feel that peace now.

you were revisiting suppressed emotional trauma - it is a completely normal and healthy response.

""The spontaneous nonverbal expression of emotion is related to immediate reductions in autonomic nervous system activity. Similar changes in specific autonomic channels occur when individuals are encouraged to verbally express their emotions. Indeed, these physiological changes are most likely to occur among individuals who are either verbally or nonverbally highly expressive. These data suggest that when individuals must actively inhibit emotional expression, they are at increased risk for a variety of health problems. Several experiments are summarized which indicate that verbally expressing traumatic experiences by writing or talking improves physical health, enhances immune function, and is associated with fewer medical visits. Although less research is available regarding nonverbal expression, it is also likely that the nonverbal expression of emotion bears some relation to health status. We propose that the effectiveness of many common expressive therapies (e.g., art, music, cathartic) would be enhanced if clients are encouraged to both express their feelings nonverbally and to put their experiences into words.""

http://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/288640



""Abstract
A cross-sectional study of 437 ambulance officers in a large state of Australia examined the long-term effects of suppressing emotion reactions to exposure to trauma. Results indicate that the use of emotion-suppressing defenses (e.g., withdrawal or acting out) have a highly significant positive relationship with physical and psychological stress symptoms. Alexithymia scores were also positively associated with stress symptoms. In addition, there was a positive association between years of ambulance service and stress symptoms. Implications of the findings are discussed for recovery from exposure to trauma of emergency services personnel and more generally to the experience of survivors of trauma.""
http://journals.lww.com/jonmd/Abstract/2002/12000/EXPOSURE_TO_TRAUMA__THE_LONG_TERM_EFFECTS_OF.6.aspx

Not crazy but normal and (strangely) healthy response to trauma of being raised mormon.

A very emotional story, Dr. beaverphant. I have also found that the good people in this forum can help bring peace and solace into your life. May you continue your journey of recovery. Most sincerely, your friend...edzachery.

Suppressing the difficult emotions of having been imprisoned in a life of fantasy during your developmental years is not the same as working through those toxic effects (healing). A latency period is not uncommon.

You are describing a stimulus (trigger), or a series of them, that caused some of those emotions you held in check during childhood (a survival skill) to be heard. The anguish you experienced that day was the anguish that child beaverphant had buried for many years.

I was gobsmacked when it happened to me. Once separated from the abuse, I felt free, happy, like I had escaped, seldom thought about it, except to occasionally wonder why I didn't think about it. Years later, uncontrollable, difficult emotions were triggered, and in addition to the [meltdowns], there was the utter shock of losing the control in which I had always believed was a component of "my strength." I had never been a "crier," but a tiny part of me was aware that it was because I was in a long-term emotional shut-down. I didn't pay attention to that "tiny part," but just "enjoyed" being emotionally invulnerable.

After many years of now being a "normally" emotional person, I've come to regard the much more rare triggers as an opportunity to purge toxic emotions. At first, the system (me) was overloaded with this [waste material] and once that valve was opened, the pressure was too great, and to try to close that valve would have broken it. Now that most of that material has been offloaded, the valve mostly funtions as a normal release.

Emotions are not smart or dumb, good or bad, they just happen. The "purging" events (trigger opening the valve) will occur as your subconscious mind (childhood programming/abuse) deems the now-adult you able to process the emotions.

If you think logically about it, it would be impossible for a child smart enough to become a "rocket scientist" to have suffered through cult indoctrination with zero emotional effects. You describe childhood emotional trauma, though your very smart "inner you" insulated you from acting out a rebellion that might have landed you in an even worse "jail," possibly, even a real-world jail (survival skills).

Let the tears purge you of that trauma. Know that it will not always be so intense or difficult, and learn that the purging is a cleansing of the system. Triggers may not be a single thing (driving past a temple), but a series of them. All of the preparation, entering a church building with your parents, smelling, hearing, sights, again suppressing your disbelief, were powerful enough to open the valve. It's a good thing. Offload that toxic waste, brace for the wonderful life where you are truly free to express what you think and feel.

It is the difference between telling your parents that you will visit and automatically submitting to attend church events, and telling them that you will visit, but will reject any further indoctrination sessions.

Such pain, but such beauty in your story. There is such an honesty there. I felt happy for you reading it because as frightening as the experience was for you, I believe you have released something that still had hold of you and your strength comes through.

Visiting the scene of the crime is often overwhelming for victims. Hurt and betrayal that you feel you have dealt with but only buried suddenly surface in a ferocious manner. I'm sure in that moment you realized the depth of the scars from having lived in a cult, and realized subconsciously that your family who is steeped in that cult see you through their Mormon eyes even as they somehow accept you. That is what bothers me the most about being the only one to see the light in my family.


I do relate to what happened. I had a major panic attack right after a severe betrayal many many years ago when I was a couple years younger than you. I happened to be driving when it struck. I started hyper-ventilating and my left arm even started to go numb. I could see sparkly bits before my eyes. I had no idea what a panic attack was or what hyperventilating was. I was numb and terrified at the same time. I tried to drive to my apartment but got lost in my own neighborhood and finally pulled over and sobbed for a half hour.

None of us are immune. Emotional trauma is very real. What I found here at RFM is that I had decades worth of buried hurt. I found I had not let all the Mormon oppression go, but only buried it all the way to China.

Stick around. I am a firm believer that you can talk things to death. That is why I barely mention the things I want to keep sacred.

I feel similar things every time I feel the need to go to church for family reasons.

It has really taken me by surprise.

I started getting panic attacks about 7-8 years ago. I had had some very tough years teaching, but one particular group of unruly kids sent me over the edge. I don't think it's surprising that you had a panic attack. You might look into strategies should it happen again. I do deep, slow breathing. I try to visualize a calm, quiet, peaceful place such as a deserted beach.

It happened to me a year and a half ago. I, like you, have been so removed from the Utah mormon life and did not realize it could affect me that way. It wasn't anything as traumatic as yours, but I went to SLC for my wonderful nephew's wedding. I was excited to see my neices and nephews and really had no problem with waiting outside. I knew what I wasn't missing. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the grounds and there were tons of people waiting outside for couples to come out.

But when I first got there and was looking for everyone, one of the mishies directed me to the waiting room which was just off the temple entrance. I walked in there and immediately had a real creepy feeling of anxiety. I even felt nauseous. Then I looked around and saw that the people working in there were dressed in all white and there was a glass wall where you could see all the little sheepies going into the temple and to the ticket-checking desk. I could feel the shakes coming on and felt like I couldn't catch my breath. As you said, it was a feeling of suffocation and it was like 45 years of mind control was pouring down on me.

I knew I couldn't stay in there so I walked back outside, found some of my other family and sat at a nice table in the shade and was fine the rest of the day. And I'm glad I went and truly enjoyed myself. After the couple emerged from the temple tunnel, it was by far the nicest temple wedding day I've ever seen.

(((Beaverphant))) Here are some hugs for you.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your feelings and behavior were appropriate for the situation. You are so introspective, you can so work through this.
Thanks a lot stupid Mormon church.'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2016 01:50PM by aquarius123.

PTSD- that is what you suffered. It is suffocating and frightening. Once you acknowledge the trigger and why it happened you will be fine.

No, you are not crazy, in fact, if you think about it, it would be crazy if you did not have some squashed emotions connected with being programmed and drilled by a cult who teaches members to cap their questions, their very own thoughts, and their own emotions which the cult labels as wrong and inappropriate.

The MormonCult teaches that anger and strong emotional reaction is wrong and that you are letting the devil have control over you. As members we were taught to stop such reactions; not to let the devil in. I also was taught this at home which was a double whammy. When no one wants to hear what you have to say, tells you to be quiet, you soon do just that and stuff your real feelings. I walked around with a plastic smile on my face and knew that I was neither seen nor heard.

When you break free of the MormonCult, you do not automatically unlearn all that they compelled you to learn. It usually takes time and practice to unlearn these behaviors.

In working with a counselor, the counselor could tell I was acting with impatience and wanted things to be better yesterday. She told me this was natural because I had had to be, for my own safety and survival, in denial for a long,long time, and now I just wanted to get better fast. She also gave me kudos for being a survivor which meant the world to me as it was some praise I was badly in need of.

So I pass this on to you. Congrats for having the courage to be a survivor....to think for yourself....to go against the grain because you knew the grain was wrong. Know that healing is happening.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2016 10:26PM by presleynfactsrock.

We need something akin to Geiger counters to warn us when we're approaching locations that contain Mormons and/or Mormon paraphernalia. Walk into a grocery store and suddenly-tick! tick! tick!--what could it be? Missionaries? Our former bishop? RS members stocking up on potatoes for funerals?

A warning mechanism could help us steel ourselves for the ensuing wave of stress. A little prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Don't be alarmed by the overwhelming feelings you might have in temple square. Those buildings were designed and constructed with a purpose...to make you feel something out side of yourself. Much like the Roman Pantheon or the French Notre Dame the Mormon Temple square was designed to tell a story and make the mormons see the eternal plan from the mormon view. They were designed to make one feel small and insignificant...to be a cog in the vast mormon machine to control the universe.

Want proof? Look at the building that has the Cosmic Jesus in temple square. So much effort and money was spent to get the public to understand what exactly? A giant Jesus that floats about the cosmos spawning mormonism. If you look closely at the sculpture you will find that the feet of the jesus statue are much larger than they should be. The intention of that was to create a sense of forced-perspective and make the actual statue appear larger than it is. It is all very manipulative. To a mormon all of this imagery would be life-affirming and help them feel better about being a cog in the machine. To an ex-mo these art installments are repulsive.

Don't feel bad about having a reaction to the stuff in Temple square. The whole place was built to create a reaction in the first place.

The large hands and feet on any statue mean that it was meant to be viewed from a distance -- not close up. Michelangelo's "David" is a good example of this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_%28Michelangelo%29

I learned in art school that people tend to draw hands and feet smaller than the actual size. Trained artists are aware of this and may compensate in the other direction.

OH, how I feel for you and with you! Such episodes strike me at the most unexpected moments--I didn't realize how suppressed and deeply unhappy I was as a devout Mormon. I converted at age 17 and finally came to my senses 10 years ago at age 45! I find these episodes come with less frequency over time.

Best to you.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience in Mormonism, and recently, with your flashback.

No, you are not crazy, but normal, just like the other posters told you. Congratulations on your success in earning your PhD!

You probably learned something from your recent emotional breakdown, and from now on, you will be aware of your emotions.

You will be able to identify your personal "triggers." We do actually have a built-in trigger-dector, and you will learn which situations and places to avoid in the future.

I had to be diagnosed with PTSD by a psychiatrist, before I even knew I had these residual feelings of fear and trauma. (I was abused as a child and by my Mormon wife-beater ex-husband). I buried my feelings for about 20 years! I felt perfectly normal, except for a recurring nightmare.


There's nothing wrong with running away! I could not move out of Utah, but I avoid going into Mormon church buildings. I avoid the local grocery store, so that I won't see the Mormon neighbors who are shunning me.

Some triggers, I had to face, such as driving alone across the Nevada desert. The first time was Hell, but after remembering what had happened to me there, and learning how to deal with anxiety attacks, I was able to drive across many times, with no bad effects at all. Just learn how to handle your emotions, and how to talk to yourself. Love yourself! Don't think you are "crazy." ((hugs to you))

Thank you for sharing your experience. I've never been a Mormon, but I admire your strength and how you handled leaving the church. It is very manly.

that you were describing just when you entered the visitor's center. I hated that place even as an active mormon.

I've had reactions like that when dealing with mormon leaders or when I have to go to a funeral. I prepare myself now.

I've gone to see the lights on TS with my daughter several times. She hasn't asked me in recent years. Thank goodness. There is something extremely oppressive about our experiences.

I felt suicidal when the bishop e-mailed me bearing his testimony. I had sent him an e-mail (got it from my TBM daughter) asking him to NOT send a home teacher. I found it ironic that when I was active mormon, he'd be mowing his lawn while I was walking to church and now he was preaching to me??? My long-time therapist told me I have PTSD from my experiences.

You never know when these reactions will happen. I prefer to stay away from downtown SLC. I don't think we can really comprehend what our lives in mormonism did to us.

Bless your heart young man! I'm so glad this place have brought you peace and comfort. This place is comforting indeed. I have experienced exactly what you are describing. It is not uncommon for you to have reoccurring episodes such as this if you are to re-visit or see something that would trigger your past. You need to recognize those triggers as one poster said previously. Meditate often and find strength in yourself. You're not a prisoner anymore you are free.