The Gospel of Mormon Jesus Chapter 1

1 The book of the generation of Mormon Jesus, the son of Elohim, the son of someone else, who is his Heavenly Father. However, to show that Mormon Jesus should have been King of Israel, we will give his Step Father Joseph's genealogy.

 2 Abraham's wife, Sarah begat Isaac, however, because women are not that important, we will say that it was the men who begat their sons from here on, though that is actually physically impossible, but with God, all things are possible; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;

 3 And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram;

 4 And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon, which is not the fish, but his name;

 5 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;

 6 And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias; this is getting kind of monotonous...

 7 So anyways, skipping along here, a whole bunch of other guys begat sons for generations, etc.

8 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Mormon Jesus who is called Christ.

9 So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; (trust me on this) and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations. Like sands in the hour glass and all that.

10 Now the birth of Mormon Jesus was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of Elohim, who has had sex with her in the normal man that men and woman do. Only somehow, she was still a virgin because Elohim the great had said so, and who is going to argue with him on semantics. You deflower someone and she's still a virgin, if you have the power to blow any doubters to smithereens.

11 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and knowing he couldn't win in a fist fight with Elohim the Great God, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to break off the engagement/marriage without being a jerk about it.

12 But while he thought on these things and was starting to get mad, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. But Joseph was confused and asked? Who did the deed, was it the Holy Ghost or was it Elohim? But the angel answered not and said. You are the chump in this story who can't do it with your wife until this child is born he is so special, deal with it.

13 And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Mormon Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins after ALL they can do, and lots and lots of works and meetings and potlucks.

14 Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

15 Behold, a "virgin" shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Mormon Jesus, which being interpreted is, God help us.

16 Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:

17 And knew her not, yet he didn't practice any evil 'self-abuse' or mess with his little factory till she had brought forth her firstborn son, but not Joseph's: and he called his name Mormon Jesus.

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