I think all love, with the possible exception of parental love, is conditional. I cannot continue loving someone who abuses me, for example. I might put up with an awful lot, but when that boundary is crossed, dealbreaker.
That said, I don't think "true" love includes dealbreakers like abuse. If you really loved someone, you wouldn't hurt them like that. (We all hurt people we love; I'm talking about intentional abuse.)
Is it a fantasy, a common reality, or only for the Few?
I don't know. I think everyone has their own unique definition of love. For some who aren't willing to work at relationship building, and on themselves, it might be a fantasy. Is it a common reality? No, I don't think so.
There's a thousand different kinds of love and no one is more valid or better than another. Some loves never die and some do, but that doesn't mean the love that dies wasn't real at some point.
I don't know, I think parental love is conditional as well. Someone whose partner abused them may leave them but still love them...Same way a parent with a child who mistreats them, steals from them, commits violence against them, etc., may love them in an abstract way but cut them out of their life.
Love continues to be the most mysterious force of all in this world, and perhaps the Universe.
Without it where would we be? With it, there is nothing we can't accomplish for the greater good.
One of my favorite biblical verses:
"8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears." (Cor13)
True love is an extension for me of agape love. You'll know it when you find it. Try to pin it down and it may elude you, like chasing after rainbows (and happiness.)
Love is the tapestry which connects everything and everyone. We live a society which has condition itself to undervalue the power of love. Love creates, love frees, and live makes life worthwhile.
It seems to me, that love can only exist between two people when both are committed to being givers, not takers. When apologizing comes easily. And when both people feel safe being their true selves. Both people need to be supported at equal levels.
I believe that my feelings toward my wife represent true, unconditional love.
The other day I was looking for her. I went downstairs into her studio--she alters clothes and cuts hair for a living--and found her curled up sleeping on the couch, hugging a faded old blanket. I stopped in my tracks, stood there, watched her for a few minutes. Her shoulders barely moving as she softly breathed. The late-afternoon gloam creeping around the curtains. I started to cry.
Every single day I say a silent prayer (To whom? To the machinations of the Universe, to cause-and-effect, to the vast uncontrollable inevitable future) that I will die before she does. Please.
getbusylivin Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Every single day I say a silent prayer (To whom? To the machinations of the Universe, to cause-and-effect, to the vast uncontrollable inevitable future) that I will die before she does. Please.
I hear you man.
I used to laugh at my sweetie when she would demand that I promise not to die before she did. She did not want to go on in a world without me. Then she passed away. I'm not laughing anymore.
Different in my marriage. I think I could manage widowhood better than my DW, in terms of emotional resilience and functioning. So I hope I survive her. Probably won't (big age difference), but I'd rather love her to her own peaceful demise, if possible.
Every marriage is individual, and there are somethings we just don't have control over, so I put it in God's hands.
I want to outlive my husband. That way, I'll know he was always taken care of, and always loved, and never bounced around among relatives or put in some *care* facility.
I don't think it's a binary thing at all. Society's conception of marriage has really changed in the past 100 years. Marriage used to be a business arrangement between families. Everyone knew their role. It's why SWK could say that marriage could work between two faithful mormons, because nothing else really mattered.
So I think there are different definitions of true love. I can love someone but not be able to live with them. I can love someone but realize the relationship is unhealthy or one sided.
And relationships (like people) change over time.
Society has a rom com version of what love is, but I think it's pretty complicated. Not everyone finds it. And it is exceptionally difficult to find if you marry after dating for 6 weeks or marry very young (IMO). You barely know yourself, much less the other person.
I don't think it's a question of "finding it" at all. I think it's a question of deciding to give it. That's all it is.
I decided, long ago, that I will always and forever unconditionally love my wife. There is *nothing* she could do (and I do mean nothing) that would cause me to not love her. With a spouse (or another adult or partner or whatever), making that decision takes trust -- that the other person probably won't ever do anything to seriously hurt you. The trick is continuing to stick with the decision when they DO something that seriously hurts you...it's not easy.
I decided when they were born that I will always and forever unconditionally love my children. There is nothing they could do that would cause me to not love them. Like with a spouse, that's not always easy. But it IS doable.
I think too many people think they'll "find it." That something magical will happen and it will just come to them. They don't get that it's a decision, not a discovery. That it takes work and trust and commitment and sometimes pain -- not that it'll just happen, and that they'll never have to decide to continue to love in spite of personal pain.
I make plenty of mistakes, I'm stupid sometimes, I don't always do what's "right" even though I try to. But no matter the pain, I'm committed to the unconditional love for my wife and kids. It's not always an easy thing to keep doing (though sometimes it is), but it's a decision I've made that is very much worth the work that goes into it.
(waiting so long for him to come back into my life) and I do love my ex as a friend, my love for my kids takes all. They are my heart. They are everything to me.
I was arguing with my daughter over her bailing on her wedding (figured out I was wrong) and she happened to be home for a week before she went to Alaska to work last spring. I wasn't going to see her, but I thought I better come home and at least see her. I took one look at her and KNEW they are my all, my twins. I gave everything for them and I will continue to do so until the day I die no matter how often we disagree.
Yours is a story of young love lost and refund. Do you have a story in the Biography Board? A version with an emphasis on the emotional arc, focusing more on family but not excluding the religious issues, could be easily worked by a writer who is practiced in the Romance genre.
On second thought, you're very articulate, yourself with a good sensibility. There's a lot of material, online and in bookstores, about the fiction craft. You might consider giving it a go yourself. A well-plotted story with compelling characters can be an excellent device to illustrate other themes and issues, such as problems in LDS culture. I suggest you write, or rewrite, your exit testimony, then make notes to yourself about enhancing the story's dramatic arc. The heroine would be BASED on yourself, not necessarily your very self (which would make it a memoir).
"And when you stop and think about it You won't believe it's true That all the love you've been giving Has all been meant for you"
I think unconditional love is something you grow into, kind of a skill you acquire. If you're stuck in a cult that preaches conditional love and stunts your emotional development, you won't develop that skill. You won't be able to unconditionally love yourself or others.
Normal mature people can love deeply no matter who they're with because that's them. Or, if they're actively making themselves as little children, they can love shallowly.
I think that anyone who is honest with themselves is capable of loving almslost anyone they choose to love. True love is about doing what you can do to support and sustain another person's happiness. What you get back in return is a different issue than your choice to love the other person. In the best case, that love is returned and that allows you to continue to have something to give the other person, yet again. In the worst case, you can love someone and have to set up boundaries to protect yourself or the other person. Even if you have to set up those boundaries, you can still love that person. About six months after I got home from my mission, my dad told me that I had to either start paying him rent or to live somewhere else. He even said I could stay without paying rent if I was in college fulltime. He didn't need the money, and I learned to support myself. If I understood less about life, I could have told myself that he was greedy and didn't love me, when quite the opposite was true.
Tough love in a situation of romantic love can be especially difficult because you want to see the other person as your equal. But you can still be forced to exercise tough love with anyone, without stopping to have love for them. Love can be a burden that you carry with great difficulty over even a whole lifetime when someone lets you down. But if you know who you are well enough, you can love anyone, even if you no longer want them in your life. Why would you choose to do that? I don't know that it is a choice. If you decide at some point that you love someone, I don't know that you can just turn that off out of convenience and still believe to your own self that your love for the other person was ever real to begin with. If you take it back, then you have nothing to offer the next person you decide to love. Despite the burden (however great), it can actually be easier to recall whether or not you ever really loved them to begin with. If you did, then you can reaffirm that to yourself first, then respect their boundaries, set your own boundaries, and move forward with your own life, without them if necessary. It's about your gift to them, not about what you get back. When the love works out for the better, eventually few if any boundaries are needed, and you get to see the results of the happiness that you have helped to create in the other person. The joy in seeing that is your payment.
When you put it that way, I'd say it's fantasy. I do believe in soul mates, but I don't believe there's only one. But even if you find your soul mate, you have to work at it and you have can screw it up. (speak from experience on that)
> As in never-ending, unconditional love[.] In your opinion, is it a fantasy, a common reality, or a reality for only a few? >
I believe some "find" it and others make it, or try to. Still others look for it their whole lives, while remaining hopeful, nonetheless. Most love is conditional. That may be part of the problem.
Some might be luckier than others, if luckier is the word. Others may not work hard enough at making it happen or "find - or be found by - the right person".
Love is a strange bedfellow, and sometimes, the harder you look, the more elusive it is. I always heard you FALL in love. I believe, however, you SPRING - or climb - in love though. I also believe it is about timing, hard work, luck, devotion, fate, craziness, etc.
Love comes in many forms and loving yourself can be the hardest of all. I love life. I love some people too, even though I don't always like them. I love good writing and poetry and beautiful stories too - but they don't treat me bad either.
Remaining open to possibilities is a big factor. Always keep hope! Become who you are. Be nice to others. Be nice to yourself. Diversify. Grow deep (roots). Stay fertile. Get plenty of sunshine and water. Love will grow on-in you and you will attract your beloved match... and start a great, glorious fire.
From what I can tell, there are probably as many definitions of love as there are people on earth.
To be honest, I do not believe in unconditional love. If I had a son/daughter that turned out to be the next Hitler that commanded millions be sent to their death and was spiteful in all their dealings, I doubt I would continue to love them. I would have too much empathy for all those that suffered.
In short, if someone I loved turned into an 100% evil person, I would no longer love them as I do not love evil people.
People can and do change for a lot of different reasons, personality wise, they can change into totally different people. I've seem it happen. If their personality changes to something unrecognizable as the person you first loved, why continue to love them. Without the personality defining the person you are loving a bunch of chemicals worth about $4.80
Happy Valentine's Day (red hearts, sweet candy, flowers, chocolate, vanilla, good deeds, sex, etc...) everyone... and Happy (regular) Day to all those who don't believe, or care, one way or another, that it's made up, and you can love/ be nice to your beloved/ friends/ family, strangers, etc., any day, any time, for no special reason.