I wouldn't go back to church even if they offered Chardonnay wine instead of water for the sacrament.

I wouldn't go back to church even if the three hour block was changed to 5 minutes.

I wouldn't go back to church even if my dog could burp bubbles and sing Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree in Pig Latin.

Even if they played heavy metal through sacrament.

dodo Wrote:
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> I wouldn't go back to church even if my dog could
> burp bubbles and sing Popcorn Popping on the
> Apricot Tree in Pig Latin.

I wouldn't because of that either...but I *would* like to see that! :)

I wouldn't go back to church even if it were all true. Because even then, there would still be the narcissistic asshats to deal with.

But it's OK, none of it is "true." :)

Julianne Hough did a lap dance.

I'd go back for that.
I'd bear my fake testimony and swear hay-soos found my car keys if she'd grind on my lap.

...God and Jesus Christ showed up, in person.

I'd like to have a word with them, but on MY turf. They owe me an explanation--and no more BS.

If they're so freakin' smart they know where they can find me.

...Even if it were true.

I'm not a fan of eternal pregnancy while my husband has a dozen more wives and runs his own world. It's like when they describe the lower kingdoms I just want to ask how I sign up for those ones.

It was once a year and you didn't have to dress up and wear fake smiles.

There were no more callings and all the temples (and talk of them) disappeared.

There was a welcome sign the door - for everyone - with information, that was true and there was no more weird of wiseass, or wow.

There was no more fast and fart your testicles slow meeting and everyone had the leasthood.

Missionary work was done and everyone could play again.

Sacrament wasn't brought around to you and you could go to it, like in a (normal) [real] church.

Tithing wasn't taken, but rather given, as well as a full accounting on past, present and future good works and operations, and ALL members had an input and were considered equal.

Home and visitor preaching was done away with and members listened instead of talked all the time.

The scriptures were burned, and forgotten, and Henry David Thoreau was the preacher (and didn't (have to) prepare a 'talk'), and spoke, naturally, and the topic was civil disobedience.

Well, maybe, on that last one, as long as all the previous ones, and hundreds of others (I've no time, or inclination, to elaborate on, but you get the picture - worth thousands of words) were also true.