Anon4this1 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Has anyone else been devastated by the death of an > ex? > > Remarried to the love of my life. > > Still, the news took me aback worse than I ever > anticipated. > > Has anyone else had this experience?
When my father died (making him my mother's ex), she grieved as well. Why? Because it wasn't always bad, and they did have 3 kids together, which was the most important thing to come out of their marriage. She, too, went on to marry her "sweetie". Her second marriage was absolutely wonderful. My stepfather was great!
What you are experiencing is very normal. Very human. Death stirs up all kinds of emotions.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2017 01:48PM by angela.
I don't know that there can be such a thing as a good or bad reaction to death.
For those who have done the work to detach from such things (attachment is suffering), good for them. But that's a lot of work, and everyone else should just cut themselves some slack.
Sounds perfectly normal to me. You had a portion of a shared life. That's just the facts. It doesn't take away from what you have now. Be easy on yourself. These things are hard!
I thought you meant "bad" as in "good riddance" or that you were happy. I am afraid that may be my reaction after all my ex has put me through. Evil diabolical person (TBM), but I feel guilty just thinking that I may react in this fashion. I think your reaction is very healthy and positive.
Not exes, but a couple of ex-lovers of mine have died in freak accidents and I was upset about those. They were friends as well, so take that into consideration.
Some exes I don't care if they live or die as long as they stay the hell away from me.
If you loved someone and still cared for them, I can imagine it would be difficult to process, even after moving on.
My ex died quite suddenly. We had been divorced over 20 years by then but had remained good friends and had 4 children and many grandchildren together. It was awful.
Now that I am retired, I am trying to put boxes of memories into scrapbooks. I find that I can only do this in small blocks of time because the emotions that are stirred up by all of it is too much sometimes.
My son put together a selection of songs on my ipod for me while I take my daily walk. Out of the blue, one of the songs just had me in tears right there on the fitness center track.
Grief is such a personal journey. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it.
There's no good or bad emotional reaction to a death. For an ex, some people might feel nothing, some people a great deal, some a twinge or a bit of nostalgia but then move on. All are normal.
A year ago, our TBM son showed up at his dad's, told him to go to hell forever, probably because his dad was one of us apostates--not worthy of respect nor kindness.
Our TBM son and his TBM wife and their passel of TBM kids tore out, leaving burn marks on his dad's driveway in the new Chevy Tahoe his Dad had given them.
I knew this was a death sentence for my ex. He lived another year.
It sounds like you had a connection to your ex, despite no longer being together. It's bound to cause you pain and regret. It's terrible what your son did to his dad. Zealous belief will do that to you. He may come to deeply regret it some day. That will also be painful.
As others have said, there is no right or wrong in this. And yes, grief is a very tough journey.
Be kind to yourself as you go. I hope you are surrounded by a lot of support from family and friends, or whoever is in your life. Try to get outside and smell the roses, or whatever, whenever you can. You may not feel like going out but it tends to help.
I have not lost an ex-, yet, that I know of. (Wife 1.0 disappeared a couple decades ago.)
I've lost enough others, however. I have no parents, grandparents, older brother, aunts or uncles. I have an older sister.
Others, gone, gone forever. It's a drag, death is, but what can you do? It's part of the part we play, dying is. Theirs and mine.
Memories are mostly overrated, IMO. They allow me to avoid living the stories of my present by rehashing the stories of my past. That's cheating, in a way. I don't want to sound cold but it's not the same river we're stepping in, that we stepped in before. The past exists as collections of chemicals in our cerebral cortexes. There are more interesting chemicals to be discovered.
We are emotional beings. We feel as well as think! It's a normal human reaction to feel strongly, especially around the death of someone that was close to us. Something hits us out of the blue and our emotions come to the surface. It happens to all of us.
I bought a cassette of Gospel Music by Elvis Presley at a yard sale, put it in the the recorder in the car to listen to it and when he began singing a song my grandfather used to sing, I had to pull over. I had no idea that would impact me so emotionally. I was surprised at my reaction!
I'm a believer in giving ourselves permission to feel the emotions and remember!
I had diner with my cousin this evening. Her ex died suddenly about a month ago. They had been apart for about two years. My cousin looked strained to me, and she stated she's had a hard time. Part of this is due to her concern about their young adult children, who are having a tough time. But she also had 25 years with her ex, and even though their relationship was done and over, and the memories of their life together, especially of the good years, have made it hard for her to cope.
I stopped having feelings for my ex during the majority of my 19-year marriage to her. Definitely have not had feelings concerning her (except for rejoice) in the 19 years since our divorce. I really don't see myself experiencing any emotions or feelings towards her ever again. The day she dies will just be another day to me.
I've never been in that situation yet, but if I found out my TBM ex-husband suddenly died, it would just be another day for me as I'd have no reaction at all. After all, I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce was finalized.
I "fell out of love" with my ex in about two seconds--the length of time it took him to tell me, over the phone, that he was leaving me AND THE CHILDREN. He "didn't want a family anymore." No contact for 20 years.
He almost died two years ago, and I was surprised at how sad I was, but it was mostly empathy for my adult children.
My first husband was a violent wife-beater--a Mormon con-man who lured me into a hasty marriage, for my money and earning ability. Recently I found out he had had a stroke, and was unable to walk. I was actually glad! That's what extreme abuse does to you.
It depends on what kind of spouse the person was. We all mourn for the past, sometimes. I remember some wonderful moments, when my children were babies. This does not mean we are sad now.
Your mourning your ex does not mean that you love your present spouse and present life any less. It just means you are temporarily emotional and empathetic. Strange...there's really no place for an ex at a funeral. It's all about the current spouse and the children. I won't be attending my ex's funeral.