Despite all you know and dislike about it. Just to be around people that might pretend to talk to you. Stepping away is lonely as hell thats why I ask.

It can sometimes take several years to adjust to not having a mormon church community.

I hope you can be strong and weather this difficult time. It's your former church that set you up and pushed this situation on you. It isn't your fault.

Returning would probably be a mistake. Reach out to non-mormons and be patient. Enjoy what you couldn't when you were a mormon trying fulfill callings and attend meetings instead of making real friends. Mormon fake friends aren't the same. Join some clubs, take classes, get out and enjoy your hobbies and find new ones.

Post here. It might give you some of the sense of community you miss.

I went through the 'lonely stage'. Still visit it occasionally. I think it is part of being human. The trick is not letting yourself get stuck there.

Wanting to be part of a tribe is understandable. Also, it can cause a lot of stress. Living your life, pretending adherence to something you find distasteful and/or revolting will wear you out mentally, emotionally and, over time, physically.

Try to other avenues of interest. Letting go of one habit usually requires forking onto to other paths. What other things do you find interesting, inspiring, intriguing? Are there classes in the community/area that you could join to explore and learn. Maybe some volunteer work. Anything that would give you a sense of value.

A movie/documentary I recently watched on Netflix that really helped me is called "Inn Saei". It helped me gain insights about myself and find balance.

Good Luck. Would love to hear updates as you can.

Well, if it is church you are talking about strictly for a sense of community, I have found that other churches I have nominally attended were far friendlier than the LDS church and, more importantly, without all the usual BS and strings attached. Those with little to no experience outside the LDS church might be pleasantly surprised as to how different other churches are, different in a good way. Frankly, I have never been all that impressed with the alleged sense of community of the LDS church, and I am a returned missionary and BYU grad, for what it is worth... Far too much "class distinction" for lack of a better term.

I've always been afraid to test other churches because of being so disappointed with the lds I just figure I'm going to run into the fake community fake friends to my face bullshit again. But I know I got to fit along somewhere with people in life I dont think I'm supposed to be a loner for the rest of my life. Even though my closest friends have passed on doesn't mean I can't start over and gain some new friends even though getting new friends has been pretty darn hard for me to do so far.

I don't personally need people or social interaction. I have kids that do, so I force myself out there. Community, school and neighborhood (somewhat). As an absolute introvert. No, I do not recommend going back for the sake of loneliness..ever. Find peace with yourself. Be ok with silence and individual thought. Now, if you need some social time..hit a casino or race track. Sigh, then leave it all behind when needed..free advice. No charge my friend.

I thought I didn't need people or social interaction either but when months turns to years without the old interactions you once had it's not normal for a human to keep going like that if you can't socialize in the world its hard to survive.

I had two advantages. First, I knew people outside TSCC. Second, I began going elsewhere before leaving. As another post indicated, you will find people elsewhere who aren't forced to take "callings" but do what they want - like joining a choir if the church has one or study groups or whatever.

I found that I was more lonely sitting in church than out in the world, so I ended that experiment (of going back to visit.)

It mighta been the natural coldness of some of the more cliqueish / clannish members, but I think that sitting there just increases your focus on yourself and how different you are from others around you, thus magnifying the loneliness. When I'm out puttering around town here and there, otoh, there are enough distractions that you don't feel that loneliness so much.

I see I think I do understand that lonely feeling in a crowded building. I did feel that a lot when I was active I just thought something was wrong with me and I was emotionless and empty inside but I am sure the church caused that feeling not a lot of true heart and soul in the people there.

I recommend trying a Unitarian Universalist church. They don't mind whatever you believe there, even if you are an atheist. That may make it more comfortable for developing relationships.

Many years ago because of loneliness, I did return to LDS. I met my husband there, so I guess it wasn't bad in that way. But I again became deeply entrenched. A few years later, a dishonest Mormon mistreated us by lying, breaking rental agreements (we were the tenants and he left us in substandard conditions) and ripping us off. Not to mention rumoring at church that WE were the irresponsible and not very moral ones. So we went inactive for a long, long time. Then I went back because of loneliness and isolation--my husband had to work a lot, then was exhausted and slept most of the time. Again I got entrenched. If I had to do it over again, I would have tried going to other churches instead of back to LDS. Those entrenchments cost me a great deal psychologically. My husband and I are attending another church now, and my mental health has improved vastly.

Yes I'm afraid of entrenching and it costing me psychologically as well, is the Universalist church healthy for the mind do you think?

They can be very political. If that suits you, no problem. If your politics doesn't mesh, you might not like it there.

Many Unitarians are in rligiously mixed marriages where one might have been Jewish and the other agnostic or some other combination. Many Unitarians have new age, humanistic, and environmental interests. They don't pressure anyone to join no matter how long they attend as visitors. They don't shun or harass if someone decides to leave and their are never home visits unless they have a sign-program asking for it in a local congregation. It's a very live and let live community and each one is different depending on local needs and opinions.

I want to stay away from political anything if I can.

I heartily second that opinion. I found all kinds of like-minded friends. I don't find them particularly political so much as just progressive. Unitarians take things like environmentalism and human rights very seriously. So understandably, there will be lots of emphasis on things like Martin Luther King day, contributions of women and people of color, LGBTQ rights, personal responsibility, etc. That was a welcome change for me, as was being welcomed in and talked to by people. And coffee. They got coffee. For special dinners they got wine and beer. At NormaRae's UU congregation, they had margarita night. This is understandably also more fun than Mormonism. Ask anybody.

And let me clarify, the margarita party was my donation to the church auction. I did fresh margaritas and tex-mex finger foods and people paid $75/seat to the party. It sold out fast and I raised $1500 for the church (my cost of about $300 was my donation). The reason it sold out is because the auctioneer said "you've never had a margarita until you've had ones made by a former mormon who went taquila crazy." So the pressure was on. I squeezed the limes fresh, made my own simple syrup and they were heavenly if I say so myself. So now I have a reputation. Paying your "tithing" with margaritas and good friends beats the hell outta the stupid secret envelope.

Very nice haha

I've developed good friends/relationships with others who attend Seattle Mennonite Church, it's. 'Religion Lite'

Are they only in Seattle?

"I would follow you around anywhere--out of a sense of morbid curiosity."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2017 05:34AM by steve benson.

Nice

I have never been that lonely since leaving TSCC, and hope to God I never will.

Even at my 'loneliest,' it doesn't occur to me I will find what I'm looking for in the pseudo friendships to be found at the pseudo religion of Moism.

My never Mo grandmother who spent the majority of her adulthood living in Utah put it like this, after Grandpa died: she traded companionship for freedom. After more than 40 years of marriage and taking care of her husband, children, her aunts and grandmother before that (grandma had been an orphan child,) she said for the first time she learned what true independence was like when she was on her own for the first time.

When she felt her most loneliest, she remembered how chained she was before to taking care of others, and made a conscious choice to enjoy her alone time. For her it was a trade-off.

A Mormon church stands on the corner on the same block from where my grandmother lived for years and years. Did she ever set foot inside it? I think not. She had friends, many friends in fact. They weren't Mormon. She made a way in the heart of the Morridor, where others maybe wouldn't see a path as easily. It didn't bother her she was surrounded by them.

She didn't let it bother her. She cultivated many interests, talents, friendships (and spirituality,) during the course of her lifetime - and yet there were still times she felt lonely. Just not lonely enough to trade her freedom for the life that came before.

Loneliness is something you need to deal with wherever you are. In a crowded room, or alone on a beach. It is something to be reckoned with, but you are its master.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2017 07:25AM by Amyjo.

Have you looked at meetup.com? It will help you find groups in your area that do activities you like to do. I met most of my friends through a local hiking club.

Was it through meetup.com? I only found one gathering in my area

Personally don't do church or religion anymore. I did attend a Nazarene church for a while. Maybe it was the specific congregation, but I found them to be some of the most genuine and loving people ever. So accepting and kind.

Try volunteering at an animal shelter. Now, there's some 'good' folks. For some of them it's a religion.

Never tried animal shelter but I'm deathly allergic to cats.

A good question, Adam. I have resisted returning but the pull of companionship is strong.

IMO as others have noted your best bet is to seek out non-Mormon groups. I fell into a couple of regular group projects that have nothing to do with the church and my mood improved a lot almost immediately.

Do you have any suggestions GBL as to Adam meeting a potential mate through a singles function at TSCC?

Reason why I ask is because your wife is TBM.

Did you two meet *before* or *after* your departure from all things LDS? As a single guy in between marriages or relationships before you and her met, did you meet at an LDS singles function by chance?

Might it be possible for Adam to meet his one and only at a singles function through LDS?

Adam, be aware if you go, you'll likely be outnumbered vastly by women. Not sure that's what you want, but it may increase your odds of meeting someone who shares similar values and whom you may find mutually attractive.

Just a thought ... Pocatello must be brim full with singles. It may be worth a visit to see what they're like, then decide for yourself if you want to continue going. Without continuing going to services, etc.

Amy, we met when I was still active--I disengaged after we had married, been sealed in the temple etc.

We met one day after F&T meeting, chatted a bit, then again the next week, then I walked her home and one thing led to another :)

I think a singles group might be a good option for Adam. BUT Adam, if I were to do so I would make it very clear to anyone who seemed even a little interested that my participation was mainly social and that I was unlikely (at least at that time) to participate more fully in the church. I think you're right, Amy, about there being a lot of single gals there, but many of them may only be seeking TBMs.

On the other hand, there's my wife's example--she's never insisted that I do anything church-related that I didn't want to. So there are no doubt gals out and about who feel the same way.

Right I met girls that were interested in me in the past but once they realised I wasn't an RM and I had plans of leaving the church they didn't want anything to do with me so dating a mormon girl is a horrible idea for me.

The problem there is that if I went back to the Mormon Church due to loneliness, I'd be going back to a people that I no longer fit in with. Having the Church in common is what keeps those people together.

Without the Church, friendships tend to fall apart, which probably means that the only thing one had in common with them was the Church.

There are so many social groups out there, which don't require you to do all of the busy-work that they make you do, or expect you to hand over 10% of your gross income.

It's just a matter of doing the work to find them.

The few times I have gone to a Mormon gathering, like a funeral or maybe a birthday party involving old church friends, it really stands out how much I no longer fit there. All they seem to be able to talk about is the Church.

I noticed that in a previous conversation I had with one of them it's all church talk and he talked about the same damn thing from 8 months ago when I last talked to him like a broken record it was crazy.

Strike up friendships with people you see on a regular or semi-regular basis. That would be at work, school, in your building, in your neighborhood, or at other places you frequent. Once you have had several friendly conversations with someone, ask that person if they would like to get together with you sometime. If so, the next time you see them, issue a specific invitation. It could be to a movie, a sporting event, a walk in the park, or whatever.

People love invitations as it makes them feel special and important. They will never think badly of you for issuing an invitation whether or not the friendship ultimately works out.

I agree that you can also look for local clubs and interest groups on Meetup.com. I met one good friend through a special-interest message board. I knew that she lived reasonably close to me. When a special event came up in my area that I knew she would like, I invited her to go. We had a good conversation on the long drive there and back.

You can also look for local exmo meetups.

Put yourself out there. When you are an adult, you often have to make a concerted effort to develop new friendships. But the effort is worth it.

I tried meetup.com but there wasn't a lot happening in Pocatello which didn't surprise me so I might have to try something else maybe I'll try exmo meetup next.

badassadam Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I tried meetup.com but there wasn't a lot
> happening in Pocatello which didn't surprise me so
> I might have to try something else maybe I'll try
> exmo meetup next.


That sounds like a good idea. I'm sure there are Ex-Mormon groups in Idaho. If you don't mind traveling, I believe Utah has them as well. I know the annual Ex-Mormon conference is held somewhere in that state.

Are you on Facebook as well? Maybe you can check out Events and see what's going on near you.


I'm still kind of fresh out of Mormonism, so I look into local volunteer events just to get out. I'm a little shy about the socializing aspect since twelve years in TSCC with superficial, one-dimensional friendships left me feeling a tad socially inept.

I deleted Facebook 4 years ago and I don't think I should revive it. I'm pretty fresh out as well I see myself, about 8 months out but I left when I was a teenager in the past so it's my second time leaving I guess but I wouldn't mind checking out an ex-mormon gathering but I really don't know if I fit among ex-Mormons I know that sounds strange but finding a crowd that I belong in has been the hardest thing for me in life so I've always flown solo.

Same here. fly solo a lot, since I'm not sure where I fit. I did not really fit in the ward that I left. I did not fit in with the people at my last job. I didn't fit in with my TBM roommates. I don't even fit in with quite a few of the members of my family.

I just joined a writing group through Meetup.com, so I hope that will work. For now, I enjoy doing my volunteer work.

Yep right now I'm just trying to heal from foot surgery then I don't know what I'm going to do for a group I need atleast one friend I know that much.

This is good topic Adam, because it applies to just about everyone, whether you've been mormon or not. For my family, we were shunned and treated like crap from the get go when we first moved into this "ward" that we are still presently living in. When we left the church (haven't resigned yet,but we're seriously considering it), lonesome feelings were not new. What was new though, was when the friends that we did have stopped socializing or talking with us. I would rather have friends outside of the mormon church,that are good friends instead of the superficial,fake jerks that we thought were friends. I feel very fortunate that my family has each other, but I would agree with other posters here that there are a lot of different groups to meet people, like animal shelters,book clubs,volunteering in hospitals or clinics, or so many different things. Im' very glad to have found this RfM board; it's been very helpful for me. ?You don't need superficial, fake friendships.

Yea I know but sometimes a fake outgoing friend is better than no friend at all and thats what goes through my head sometimes.

Not me. The "church" is a lot lonlier than I. It wants me (I have the truth - that's a lot more than it'll ever have).

> "Just to be around people that might pretend to talk to you. >

No thanks! I don't like pretensions. I want wise, intelligent, altruistic people around me, so I become that way myself and attract that in others. Besides, I'd rather no one be around than talk to dummies. I can do that in a modeling store, a car test factory, or go online (or to an lds church).

> "Stepping away is lonely as hell... " >

I'm not sure hell is lonely (even though you only use it as a figure of speech). I can talk to myself/ meditate if I feel lonely.

Take up a craft or art. Get involved in community. Volunteer. Join another church. Become that person people want to be around. Sometime it must involve changes. Do anything but go backwards/ (re)become lds.

You can do anything you want. It's like checkers. It's better to move ahead.

You said, in part,


"Just to be around people that might pretend to talk to you."

I don't understand why this would be desirable to you. Why would you want to be around people who only "pretend to talk to you"? Then, do you continue pretending that you're having an actual conversation with them?

Well rather than talking to the sky I would practice conversating with a fake person it's better in my mind then being alone in your head.

I wouldn't recommend going to single activities. I'm a mid-single. The activities made me feel even worse, if that's possible. The married people chaperone the dances and other activities and make you feel like you don't know how to be an adult. As a divorced person and single parent, I felt like I certainly knew more about the real world than many of them. It also tends to bring out some of the more hard-core Mormons. If you're that old and not married yet, you're probably inactive, at least in my area.

I agree I've been to one of those mid-singles dances it was horrible.

I don't think I could do the bar scene I've never done well in that scene

I hated singles activities as a young single adult. But then, I was female, not male.

Males have the distinct advantage of being outnumbered by 10:1. (Guessing, but it's a pretty good guess, all things considered.)

My dad hated it as an older mid-life divorcee - from the unwanted attention he got from lots of older women who hung on his shirt sleeves the couple of times he went. It wasn't for him.

He preferred the bar scene to that. He met some real doozies though at the bars. The one he ended up marrying worked out, and she was really good for him (another jack Mormon like my dad.)

I was never outnumbered our ward was backwards

https://www.volunteermatch.org/

If you stop making "getting out" about what you will GET out of it, and turn it into what you'll PUT into it, you might be surprised at how much you'll GET out of it...including new friends. :)

That is basically how LDS keeps people in their unmentionable secret handshake social club aka the MORmON church, so that is great quesstion. ............what? you did not think that people stayed in for more of the stupid secret handshakes did you ?

I thought about it many times! Not worth it.

You know the struggle, I keep saying to myself if I can keep it strictly social and cut out the rest but there is no cutting out the rest is there.

As a sort of "vaccination," I got rid of all my pantyhose, and all skirts and dresses except for one black suit with a severe-looking white blouse that I have owned for over 20 years (and yes, I can still get into it) which is reserved for funerals.

Ooooooooooh nice

Why not try a MeetUp group with exmos like yourself? Look for one in your area.

I think that many people who have fallen away from the church have gone through the loneliness that follows. Many of the church members I have known through the years were like family to me. Some of them are open minded and still accepting of me while others are not. I often miss that feeling of belonging and I can relate with how difficult it can be to feel that same since of community anywhere else. However for me it just became too difficult for me to pretend to believe in things that I completely disagreed with and once I realized the church was a lie, there was no going back. I don't think I can personally ever go back to pretending to be someone that I'm not and why would I want to. I understand the struggle though of being lonely and wishing I belonged somewhere. I have a handful of really good friends and a few close family members but I do really miss having a sense of community. I think I will always miss it to some extent, but not enough to ever go back. I agree with everyone else that it is best to look in other places. Find others that have similar interests. Get to know people who live in your neighborhood or that you work with. There are many people who are in a similar situation.

I still want to hear what is going on and I find this site to be more helpful in fulfilling that need. Some of you still attend and report, others have long experience and share similar stories. It all helps me to move on.

Check out the meeting times for Temple Emanuel in Pocatello. From what I can tell on their Facebook page, they meet the 2nd Fridays of each month.

Also, Portneuf Valley Interfaith Fellowship

They describe their mission, as,

"We are a diverse group of faith communities working together in Pocatello, Idaho to better the community for the common good, both locally and globally. We recognize our diversity and encourage interfaith dialogue and respect. We accomplish this by facilitating communication, providing education, honoring and celebrating what we share and reaching out together to those in need. When possible we speak as a united voice but recognize the right of individual groups to support a different view.

Location: 911 North 7th Ave., Pocatello, Idaho, USA

http://www.portneufinterfaith.org/
https://www.facebook.com/PortneufInterfaith";

https://www.charterforcompassion.org/portneuf-valley-interfaith-fellowship

ETA: Temple Emanuel welcomes visitors and will treat you like family. That includes current and former LDS. Because they're situated in the heart of Pocatello, they've made themselves an integral part of the community there by being "inclusive." Mormons could learn a lot from that example, if they only would.

*They won't seek to convert you, and proselytizing is forbidden. You'll be fine there.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2017 06:28PM by Amyjo.

Are you being shunned?

That can really make you crazy, and lonely. Shunning can make you doubt yourself, and even blame yourself. Mormons shun apostates, because it is effective. Yes, I do know some people who have returned, superficially, because they couldn't bear the isolation of being shunned from family and friends.

I'm being shunned, but I realize that my bouts of loneliness are directly related to what the Mormons do. I should probably move away. For example, I didn't feel lonely on Valentine's Day, though I'm divorced and single, because I gave little gifts to all my grandchildren, and that kept me busy. However, the next day my TBM daughter went to a party that her TBM high school friends gave. I taught those girls in Sunday school, and they came to our birthday parties, and they chased after my sons, and they played at our house. In high school, they became more like "frenemies" to my daughter. Now, some of them have gotten married and have moved back into our ward. Their mothers are shunning me. It turns out it was a mother-daughter party, and I was the only mother not invited. Later the same day, I ran into one of the TBM mothers at the grocery store, and she quickly looked away, though I know she saw me. I said "Hello", but she did not speak to me.

Sorry to ramble, but that image has haunted me for several days, now, and that is why I came onto this thread about "loneliness."

Why would I ever go back? I would never want this woman as my friend, anyway. She's a weird fanatic, who has 12 children, has never had a job, barely graduated high school--meaning we would have nothing to talk about, really, our lives were so different. Her husband is a wealthy SP. He's also one of the men who came into my house and tried to drag my son to an activity, after my son and I had told him "No" several times over the phone.

To the point: Do you really want Mormons as friends? You have already tried, before, and ended up with only fake friends. From reading RFM, you can assume that all wards are equally unfriendly.

xxxMMMooo has a good solution to loneliness. It's what I do. When I get out and about on errands, I exchange a few good words with the grocery checker, and thank the bagger, and say something nice to salespeople or people who open the door for me at the mall. I have had more meaningful words with these people, than with people at church.

Be reverent! No visiting in the foyer--it disturbs the other meetings. No talking in the chapel. Do not sit with your friends, sit with your family. If you have no family there, sit with the singles in the back. Vacate the room quickly, so the next group can use it. Mormons are discouraged from talking with each other.

Compare that with the Christian churches that have mingles and coffee-time after church. They have sign-up sheets for all kinds of charity and community service, every week.

Instead of joining another church and looking for another so-called "spiritual" connection, find someone who shares a common interest. I have friends that I only play tennis with. They're married, and their children are older than mine, but we're friends while we're playing tennis. Others, share an interest in the symphony and the opera. Book club is like that, too. I'm gun-shy, from too much Mormon harassment, and have become an introvert. It's fun to exchange ideas with the women in book club, or with people in the classes I sometimes take at the university--but I have no desire to bring someone home, and become BFF's. Can I count as "friends" the neighbors I see walking our dogs? The dogs love to greet each other, and I say "Hello", and they smile, make eye contact, and say "Hello" back! Even that is so much MORE than I ever got at the Mormon church.