I've been out three years now...

I joined at age 25, left at 52, married, raised a family, divorced, left the church.

I've spent a lot of time in the last three years in bars with friends, talking over coffee (two of the joys I've discovered since leaving), and have wondered how an intelligent, educated man like me could get caught up in all the nonsense of Mormonism.

I think I've found my answers, and in finding them I've found a measure of peace with my past.

Without going into too much detail, the family I grew up in was chaotic. There were no rules, and no boundaries. My father (now dead), was a good provider, but he was cold, distant, drank too much, and never had clear rules and expectations. Everything was vague. There was almost no physical affection, and the situation was a powder keg for the sexual abuse to set in.

The abuse happened repeatedly, at the hands of an older brother, who may have been molested by my maternal grandfather, although I have no direct knowledge of it happening, only circumstantial evidence.

In any case, this situation of chaos led me to seek solace in religion, ending up after a few years in Mormonism, with its promise of 'eternal families' and functional homes.

I ate the elephant, as my (new) wife says, and bought into it hook, line, and sinker. After a few years, I realized it was a hoax, but I stayed in for 25 more years before the marriage I was in collapsed under the weight of dysfunctionality and years of sexual and emotional alienation.

When my father finally died nearly three years ago, I had left the church and re-married. His death led to my disclosure of the years of sexual abuse. Predictably, the family I grew up in circled the wagons, and painted me as delusional. I had been absent by my own choice (and that of my ex-wife) from their lives for nearly 30 years, so I was an easy scapegoat. I'm frankly glad I don't talk to them. Some of them know the truth, and run from it. That family has imploded after the disclosure.

So, the net result of all this reflection has been a profound healing in my life.

I've addressed my issues with men in therapy, and am largely past it all. I've named and faced my demons, and they no longer control me in the way they used to. Even my dreams are telling of this healing.

I'm no longer religious. I was for time a practicing Christian, but I am deeply suspicious of religious claims, and although I'm not an atheist, I am highly suspect of religious people, and religions in general. For me, it is a system of self-absolution from responsibility, an irrational view of the universe, and a way for a small group of men (mostly) to exercise control over the minds and lives of others. Mormonism is an extreme example of this, but is no more fundamentally guilty of this than other religions. They're all BS, it's just that Mormonism is recent BS, and more easily disprovable.

So, on with life.

The lessons I learned in the last 30 years:

Name your demons. Face them, and gain power over them.

To quote William Wallace: "Freedom!"

You luck with your recovery. I'm glad you had the courage to leave mormonism and end up here.

Thank you for sharing you life's journey in, through and out of the Church. I am glad that you have found peace and stability in your life.

Your "Reflecting on why I joined the church" is an almost constant subject of curiosity to me too. Me and my friends (almost none of them were Mormons when I was growing up) often ask, "Ken, why in the world did you join the Mormon church in college?" I'm speechless most of the time, and left shaking my head in disbelief.

I was lucky and had a stable, good, wonderful upbringing on a small family farm in Washington state. I was happy, fairly well adjusted as one can be while enduring puberty, adolescence and junior high school. I had a lot of friends, played sports and loved life.

I got to college and then in my sophomore year, got "moved" by a friend to join the Mormon church after learning about it.

I have a lots of speculative but tentative thoughts as to why I decided to join. Though I was happy, I was pretty insecure when it came to God-related issues - afraid of eternal damnation? I may have loved the immersion in "wow I'm special!" feelings that occur when investigating. I may have just loved all the potential for positive strokes. I don't know.

I still honestly am not sure.

It doesn't keep me up at night. But I think about it from time to time and do not consider the subject buttoned up and resolved.

Thanks for posting this and letting me add my two cents.

I too came from an alcoholic, chaotic, and abusive family. I joined the Mormon church at 16, thinking that the "true" church would certainly help me to resolve my problems. That did not happen, and I often suffered emotional and financial abuse at the hands of other Mormons.
I have been out for two years, after engaging in deep research on the internet. I am grieving the many lost years wasted in the UNTRUE church, but I haven't given up on Jesus Christ. I am a lot like Grant Palmer, in that I have developed a close relationship with the One who matters most.

There are many small and modest churches that don't try to control you, but only care about your relationship with Jesus. They may ask for financial help in order to keep their doors open, but are not rich and do not have the grappling sense you see with the high profile media preachers. There are also some good and humble home(house) churches.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2017 07:19PM by brigidbarnes.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. What incredible journeys you have traveled. My heart aches to hear them so thank you so much for giving me and others courage to move forward with life and be true to ourselves.