I'm never-mo, but my sister's a convert and we grew up in Morridor. The NAZ-gul part. For all that she's a convert, Sis is pretty reasonable. Tailors her garmies, still has a sense of humor, uses most of her brain most of the time, which is more than I can say for some of my never-mo relatives. Sis and BIL are recently ex-Army but they aren't settling in Morridor, so I have hope they'll stay reasonable.

But thanks to her and going to high school in a 99% Mo town, I've been to hundreds of ward events -- wedding receptions, baptisms, funerals, testament, sacrament, youth activities, Mishie Come Home, Mishie Go Bye-bye, Ward-wide Family Home Evening (yeah, I didn't get that one, either)... because my best friend might explode if he has to sit through one more three hour session. (It's not like we could be heard snarking over the six screaming two year olds.)

And every time, every ward, in seven states and four countries... there's always

That One Guy.

No, not a physical resemblance. Those you get used to. That One Guy comes in a wide array of genetic, personal hygiene and socio-economic packages. He's single, an RM, and really tired of "singles" callings. That One Guy shamelessly flirts with any female between the ages of eleven and ninety. Marital status, kids, religious affiliation, missing teeth, missing limbs, husband in proximity -- it doesn't matter.

To BIC women, he's "just too sweet" and "so perfect" and "harmless" and "Awww..." Not to converts or their heathenish harlot heretic relations. We've seen this in bars at Last Call, but never a Stage IV case. That One Guy -- he's not flirting. He's dead serious. He wants to get married. Preferably three weeks ago, but tomorrow's okay. Today would be better. How 'bout right now?

She's Fourteen? Sure! I can drop her off at school on my way to work!
Seventeen kids in fifteen years? What ring size?
Still married? He'll wait for the divorce.
Still happily married? That can be fixed.
Never converting, not if you ram hot pokers through her eyes? He'll pray with you and it'll all work out.
Can't have kids? There's always miracles!
Won't have kids? Look at the pretty babies! Don't you want one now? How about now?
Met her six minutes ago? The Spirit is leading us.
She dresses like Lisbeth Salander? She'll clean up fine.
Clearly not heterosexual? Hasn't met the right man!
Widowed three hours ago? What's she waiting for??

(I have gotten or witnessed all of these responses and many more that make the last seem sensitive.)

Is That One Guy just part of the chapel furniture? He's like Waldo -- he's everywhere! Do copies get shipped to every new building in the package with the pictures of the GA and two tons of canned apples? Is he part of a "collect them all!" Easter-egg cyphered into the BoM? (If so, I need to trade "Owns Real (not MLM) Business" for "Bathes, Uses Deodorant.")

Sis is really starting to think he's a prop, a means of testing fidelity and patience. He's certainly not a recruiting tool...

I have nothing to add, other than that was hysterical.

That guy once said to me in the foyer, waiting for my husband, arms full of squirreling babies,

"It's too bad a woman doesn't have a real man, a man who is stalwart in the gospel would appreciate a woman like you. My wife, she hated how I loved the Lord...blah blah"

and did not stop until my husband came up and said, "And this is?"

I think of that guy like the snails in the aquarium tank. You can't get rid of them, but you don't want to think about what they are doing.

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