On a couple of threads lately I've been disrespectful and downright mean. I want to apologize and also explain.

Several days ago I learned that my youngest stepdaughter, who is 13 years old, was raped three times in September of last year. She is now seven months pregnant. Out of intense shame she had hid this from us with clothes etc. but a teacher at her school caught on and alerted us.

The rapist is her 17-year-old cousin. I feel especially bad because I invited him to spend his school vacation with us last year. I should have known better; his own home is a nest of drugs, alcohol, violence, and almost nonexistent parenting. I thought maybe some time around a "normal" family would help him. By doing so I put my stepdaughter at risk.

She seems to be doing remarkably well, considering. My wife (who is also broken up about this) is leading the charge with the police, hospitals, psychiatrists etc. We have a good family; we'll get through this.

Anyway, again, I am sorry for the folks that I have offended with my recent posts. I've been tempted to hate the world for several days now but the world deserves better.

That is terrible. Best wishes for your family. Apology accepted.

Thank you very much.

getbusyliving, perhaps her 17-year old cousin has been hurt in the past by someone. Maybe even felt rejected. I know he hurt your stepdaughter, but it is wise to forgive him. Your stepdaughter didn't do anything wrong. He didn't hate her either. It wasn't personal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/26/2017 11:15PM by canary21.

I know. My wife and I have an ongoing discussion about this because, as this is all within the family, it will not simply go away. I actually like the kid but he's obviously got big issues. Right now I'm just trying to control my emotions because my anger is off the charts, and I keep pushing it down...

At the least he needs help and needs to be kept from hurting other girls.The age difference is enough that he is probably guilty of statuatory rape even if she consented or at least allowed it. Forgiveness is good for you and for him, but it is hard.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/26/2017 11:44PM by bona dea.

I agree. A real silver lining in this is that several members of our family have jobs in family services and other offices that can help us. But, yes, you're absolutely right that he may do this again and we have to be assertive and get him help but get him off the street, too. And the age of consent here is 14 so a charge of statutory rape is a likelihood.

Since he is underage too, maybe they will take it into account, but four years is a big age difference when dealing with a 13 year old. She is barely out of elementary school and he is almost old enough to graduate.

No worries mate...sorry you and your family are going through that. Hope all works out in the end.

Thank you, Ex.

You have nothing to apologize for! You are hurt because your family is hurt. We understand.

You are one the most gracious posters here!




I'd forgive ....... but not yet!

Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you very much, kathleen.

Thank you very much, kathleen.

John Cleese couldn't have done it better.

I haven't seen much of John Cleese lately, which is a pity. Fortunately we have YouTube...

how awful. I don't blame you for feeling angry. I can see you were trying to help the boy, and he is certainly responsible for his actions. I feel very badly for your stepdaughter- so young! And she carried the burden of secrecy for a long time. Good luck to all of you. Somehow you will all get through it. Hugs to your wife too. IMO- a baby is always an innocent blessing when all is said and done. You really are a voice of calm and loving reason on this board and I have been grateful for that.

You didn't say anything to me that requires an apology.

However, I can accept that people on the board that are hurting, can/should say 'almost anything they want' if it makes them feel better!

A lot of my posts seem to 'scare' people (I have been told) and so I get some 'flack' quite often. If it makes them feel better ----- I say go for it!

If I didn't have the 'experiences' I have had I would not be making such statements. I believe I interpreted them correctly but I never will say I 'know' because 'experiences' just help confirm my 'beliefs'.

Rape is a hard thing to get through, but it can be done. It takes time. Many of us have gone through it.
Your step daughter will make it. Especially with the support of a good family.

I don't think you've been mean.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this awful ordeal. (((())))

I'm so sorry!

All the best to you, your stepdaughter and wife and entire family.

I hadn't noticed, GBL, but that just shows how dumb I am.

Very sorry to hear of this painful situation. Wishing you and your family all the best as you struggle through this.

Tom in Paris

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I am SO sorry mate. You and your family are REALLY having a terrible time. My thoughts are with you ALL the way. I hope it helps, and I will be thinking of you often!

There is NO apology needed!

I remember you said that you were dealing with something big. That's a lot to deal with. I do understand.

My condolences.

Just as it is not your step-daughter's fault, it is not your fault either, though you cannot help but feel responsible. He f***ed you too when he abused your trust - how could you, or anyone else, know he was deviant in a sexual manner? Many people grow up in adverse conditions and do not resort to abusing younger children.

I believe there is a difference between forgiving someone and being forgiving towards them - not sure if anyone else would understand what I mean or agree. To try to explain, the second option is more about allowing someone the chance to address a problem then prove they have changed rather than 'forgiving and forgetting' as was drummed into us as youngsters.

I wish you and yours well during this unbelievably difficult ordeal.

My heart goes out to you and your family, getbusylivin. Hang in there, buddy.

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter but she is fortunate to have her mom and you. My best wishes to your family. I always enjoy reading your posts, and reminisces of SF and the Bay Area.

No need to apologize. But thanks for doing so anyway.

Hang in there, pal.

No need to apologize. You're going through an awful ordeal. I hope it helps even just a little, to know that you have many friends on this board and in your life who care.

What a horrible thing you and your family, especially your step-daughter, are going through. I'm glad you know now as I can't imagine what your step-daughter has been going through all these months trying to hide this.

Good luck and warm wishes to you and you family.

Hey, even the best of us...and you are one of them...sometimes react poorly when they receive the proverbial punch to the gut. I had not noticed that any of your posts were out of line, so you probably weren't as offensive as you perceived yourself to be. No need to apologize. Hang in there.

Thank you so much to you all for your kind wishes--I'm crying as I type this.

My wife--our girl's mom--is a force of nature (I call her my "pitbull with lipstick"). She will get the best for our girl, and the family as a whole.

And our new granddaughter. We got the first echo done on Friday--it's a girl.

Oh, poor child! I'm so glad that she has you and her mother to take care of her through this.

And the new granddaughter will also be very fortunate to have the loving family that she does.

Best wishes!

This life can be so painful at times. Your stepdaughter is fortunate to have you and your wife to be there for her. I realize this must have been difficult to share. I thank you for doing so and hope that our words of caring will help. Your sharing also is a help to me as often I get caught in my own web and need to be reminded that we all need each other and can be a support for each other.

Please give an extra warm hug to your daughter and tell her that a grandmother in another country is sending it, cares about her, and wishes her health and strength. I adore children and teens, their enthusiasm and zest for life.

By the way, I very much enjoy your posts. They are thoughtful, caring, insightful, clever, and often humorous.

Big HUGS!!!!

GBL, your posts so often bring wisdom in humor, but that does not obligate you to maintain any particular "standard" of behavior.

FWIW, the family of rape survivors are secondary survivors. You and other loved oned famnot help but being harmed.

I realize that you may have some affection for the perpetrator, and as difficult as this is to type, it will be more difficult for you to read. Perps balance the risk/reward, like anyone else. One of the reasons perps choose family members to victimize are the mixed feelings that you are experiencing. A stranger to the perp would not be conflicted, and this helps to dimimish his risks. Whatever his struggles, he was smart enough to choose his victim wisely, or so he thinks. Your family must show him that he shat where he eats.

It's a guilt that does not belong to you, your granddaughter, or any other member of your household.

Loving hugs to you and yours,

-a survivor

Thank you very much, survivor.

I realized yesterday who the perpetrator reminds me of: Eddie Haskell, in "Leave It To Beaver." Remember that guy? Always charming the adults, but dissing them behind their backs.

We're all doing pretty well, considering. My stepdaughter's three older sisters have really stepped up--each has gone out of her way to reach out to their baby sister. They range in age from 19 to 28, so there's no small amount of sisterly wisdom involved. It's been great to see. But we've got a long road ahead.