I was baptized into TSCC when I was 9. I married my wife, a TBM, in 2003. In 2011, I was excommunicated on the personal insistence of Elder Bednar and others at COB. Bednar almost kicked my a$$ at stake conference for checking my iPhone and then sleeping while Elder Eyring, a Seventy, spoke. And yes, if Bednar had touched me, I would have called the cops and pressed charges. But I digress.

Now, I was perfectly happy to let things be the way they were. When the bishop and his butt buddy showed up to "serve" me with the "summons," I ripped it up and tossed it on the ground, hitting the bishop's shoe.

Anyway, my wife threw guilt trip after guilt trip, and against every fiber of my being, I did the song and dance to be rebaptized. I now regret it.

I do not believe in the messed up crap they teach. But sometimes, you take one for the team.

Now the problem: for legal reasons, I can't divorce my wife. And I can't escape TSCC at the risk of making her cry and whatever other guilt trips she has.

So, then, how do I solve the problem? I've been contemplating suicide. Like seriously considering suicide by cop or overdosing. I am bipolar, schizophrenic (as is my wife, which is why I can't divorce her in NY) and epileptic.

I have nothing ahead of me but seizures and mental problems. Suicide would solve several problems at once. Yes, I
am probably cycling, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

I'm going to stop taking my mental and seizure meds so I'm nice and incoherent, clean off my bitch slapper and get down to business.

The people in my branch are nice enough and I put on an act, but the reality is that I want to run fast and run far, just like I want to run away from mortal life.

Thoughts?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2017 10:37PM by Thomas S Monson's Pepsi Can.

My thought is that I hope you don't resort to suicide. Perhaps talking about it might help? The phone number for the Suicide Hotline is on the main message page here. These people are trained to help with those who are dealing with the same terrifying thoughts that you must be experiencing now. Please reach out to them. I wish you the best to find a way to recover from what you are going through right now and to see a 'light at the end of the tunnel'.

Edit to add:

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE NUMBER 1-800-273-TALK (8255)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2017 11:11PM by cinda.

I really like your screen name. It is awesome. Funny on so many levels.

Thanks, I heard about his massive shipments of pallets of Pepsi to his house. Had to do it.

That's either a very good parody of a very serious situation.

If the latter, I suggest calling 911 and get your local first responders, first.

Oh I am serious. I've already been put through New York state's mental hygiene system, locked up in the rubber room for three days. Now I know if I do this, I better get it right the first time, or I'm in there for a month or more. F*(* that. They don't even have cable or wiffy. Whatever wiffy is.

Calling 911 would likely result in a "suicide by cop".

The police have little patience for people who threaten suicide - they just take care of the "problem" with a couple of bullets.

I would advise against calling 911...ever.

Actually, suicide by cop is how I'm doing this. I have a fake gun that, in the dark, looks real. Call 911, say "some guy" has a gun. Aim the "gun" at the cops and bada-bing-bada-boom it's done.

I actually thought this scenario out when I was younger thats whats crazy about this I'm like reading the words of my seventeen year old self right here but if I were to die these days I'd do things way different.

Don't despair, there are many reasons to live. Reach out for help, people care about you.

As for the church, it doesn't own you unless you let it. It sounds like you don't let it, you are stronger than any strange beliefs.

Thomas S Monson's Pepsi Can Wrote:
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>...And I can't escape TSCC at the
> risk of making her cry...


> ...I've been contemplating suicide.
> Thoughts?

Don't you think killing yourself would also make her cry?

Please call the hotline my friend and talk it out.

It sounds to me like you're suffering a lot from church idiocy and your wife.

Maybe some boundaries would help?

You have the right to choose your own religion. You're not responsible for your wife's feelings. She is.

I would stay away from the church for your own sanity if you can, and seek a level of calm neutrality with your wife. Heal yourself, and let her do the same.

Sometimes, you're not the problem - other people are. Just worry about yourself and hang out with animals and nature when you can. Let other people solve their own issues.

Do you have social services available to you? Would you feel better if you had an advocate? How about letting the Mormon stuff go and leave it alone? Would that help how you feel?
There are people trained to talk to you. Give it a try. OK?

so wait, why does Bednar have any authority over you, and why the fuck would he be on your iPhone. this is a LDSINC not a fucking highschool, let alone you don't get a paycheck from these fuckers, so why the fuck is Bednar on your phone. That's your business not this damn ass hole's business

I feel your pain although I'm not as suicidal as you are now, but I used to be until I got diagnosed right with PTSD and got the right help for once and things have calmed down and walking away from the church mentally and physically helped too. I know the church is at the root of your suicidal thoughts because that's the way it was with me so if you completely separate for a while you may notice a change, watching conference may have triggered you as well as it would have me had I watched more than just a second of it. But if you are bi-polar I suggest you get medicated I don't think its something to take a chance with. And I believe your story about Bednar I saw him up close and personal as well, pure dickhead.

The idea that you can't divorce -- did this come from an attorney specializing in divorce/family law? And if you can't divorce your wife, why can't you live separately anyway? If church makes you unhappy, I would definitely stop going. You have enough to deal with.

It sounds like you are not that old. The one thing I can tell you is that life has a lot of twists and turns. Just when things seem to be at their worst, they start to get better. Medical advances can happen quickly.

It sounds like you are not thinking clearly right now. Don't rely on a muddled brain to make important decisions for you. Call the Suicide Hotline if necessary.

Thomas S Monson's Pepsi Can Wrote:
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> ...for legal reasons, I can't divorce my wife.

Huh? You live someplace where it's illegal to divorce? Or do you mean you'd get screwed in the settlement?

Think about the repercussions.

#1 If a cop shoots you, imagine what he will be put through - intense interrogation, media attention, death threats, perhaps loss of his position, lifelong PTSD for him. Damage to his family.

#2 Making your wife cry if you leave the church? Maybe. If you take your own life, she'll be crying and having nightmares for the rest of her life.

Once you consider suicide, think of all the options that are less dramatic and permanent: Move to Australia, take up glass-blowing, join a monastery, volunteer at an animal shelter, run for office, buy a sail boat and sail around the world, go be homeless for a while and live in a cardboard box under the freeway.

Your permanent solution to a temporary problem will result in lifelong problems for everyone connected to you.

You didn't make as serious a mistake as it sounds.

You can walk away from the church, refuse all contact from anyone from the church, file stalking complaints if they keep trying. It's your life, and they have no right to make it a hell on earth for you. You don't owe them - or anyone - a single word of explanation.

Your wife - the same really goes for her. If she won't shut up about her unreasonable expectations that she "gets" to choose your religion for you (instead of you), you can walk away, or tell her to shut up. She has no right to emotionally abuse or control you. It's no wonder that you want to escape her "padded cell."

And you can. The only locks on the doors, right now, are in your mind. You owe these people nothing. You can be as free of them as you want to be. They can only make you feel trapped if you let them.

There are a lot of options. You don't have to divorce her to move away from her. If you are under house arrest (from the courts) or something, find another "house" so you can comply, no divorce required.

There are a lot of doors from which to choose. You could even go to a different church for help - they are not all cults, not traps, not prison-like.

The mistake you made was only a choice. Try choices that are actually good for you, before making the one that can't be fixed.

I hope you take it. Move out. You don't have to live with her even if you don't divorce her. Then quit going to church. It's not your job to take care of her.

I hope we hear that you are okay soon.