I'm very ashamed, hence the username.

Sundays tend to be tension-filled in our home since I left the church. My TBM husband (BYU, served mission, married in temple) has no less than three callings and his family is TBM. My husband is BIC and I am convert (now out of the church).

Doesn't really matter the details but I completely lost it on Sunday after a small argument escalated. It was like The Burning Bed or something, I was a raving lunatic, banshee. I didn't break anything or scream but I was SO ANGRY. Like years of blame reached critical mass and I exploded. All the times of 'you ruin church for me', 'you try to pull me out of the church; I've seen it a hundred times with other couples', 'f-ing b-', 'our kids will never know what's right without the church', 'you mock my beliefs every day', 'you always ruin things with my family', 'you ruin every special moment I ever have', etc.

It's like I'd ultimately had it with being blamed FOR EVERYTHING and I went off. My husband told me he hates me, never wants to see me again, wishes he never married me.

What I feel the worst about is our kids heard things they never should have heard. Three of our kids hate the church but keep going to maintain peace. Two kids are 'into it' but their social media accounts sure don't look LDS. My husband's family swears, watches all sorts of tv shows, for example. I don't care but I don't know if they really believe or are just in it for the community and social ranking.

Our oldest is 16 and he is very upset after all this. What can I do? I know I blew it big time. I don't know if people can totally understand what it's like to be blamed for years and just take it to keep the peace. Or you quietly start to believe it's you, that you have the evil power to 'ruin everything' and everything is your fault.

The kids say, 'it's fine, whatever' as preteens and teenagers do. But I know they were scared. No cops were called or anything but still. I'm worried about the kids. Is it better they see me be polite, respectful, 'whatever you feel is best, dear' to their dad or should I stand up for myself?

Can a woman who's been emotionally beat down ever legitimately break free and defend herself? Or do we all have to go the Mormon route and stuff it, go to RS president, go to temple, tell ourselves we are 'just too emotional' and 'disrespecting the priestholder in the home'? Is it ever okay to say, 'ENOUGH!' and demand our TBM husbands hear us? We will be called names. We will scare everyone around us. I don't want to upset my family!!! But how much can one person take, month after month when I'm judged by everyone to my face and behind my back? It makes me feel crazy. Oh, he calls me that, too. 'Crazy', 'Irrational', 'A baby'.

Again and again I've seen Mormonism take people where they never thought they'd go. I think that Mormonism is inhumane to a large portion of its own population.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel. Scared myself with my rage and because I didn't recognize myself and our kids didn't either.

The man can ALWAYS hold the priesthood over the women so I don't even have any credibility. My MIL told me once after a Mother's Day SM, 'You know, so many people think Mormons look down upon and treat women badly but in fact, women are held up and even have the priesthood! Many people don't know that!'

It's insane feeling like if I went to our Bishop or SP, they would never believe my husband speaks to me like this. They would think HF told the SP to appoint my husband to all these callings, it's divine revelation.

I woke up on Monday so humiliated. I wish I'd never said anything and then I also worry alot about my kids - what kind of future do they even have? Can they ever know how to have a healthy relationship?

Yes, I've lost it in front of my kids over Mormonism. I regret using the F word with such passion and intensity towards my father at that moment.

But I'm glad my kids could see me stand up for them, protecting them from the BS of the cult.

I think most of us have lost it at one time or another.

For me, I've found that if I resist my natural tendency to let go of small offenses and hold back comment, and instead politely but assertively insist that my feelings be respected, I'm treated better, and those hurt feelings don't build up and culminate in an explosive rage.

Knowing how, when and what to say can be tricky. I'm still working on it.

I lose it in my dreams frequently but haven't yet in real life. I feel for you. With me, fortunately, because my primary loyalty now needs to be to the family I've created and not the one into which I was born, the blowout I'll eventually have will be with my parents and siblings rather than with my spouse. It's harder for you. I can't offer any advice because it seems as though there's no right answer here.

This is just my opinion. I've been married for over 40 years. 10 of those was to a nevermo, and religion didn't have a place in our marriage.

The other 30 is to a nevermo/convert/exmo. We left the church together.

Through all of these years, no matter who I was dating or married to I had one BIG rule. That rule was NO name calling. No matter what. No name calling. I taught my children the same rule.

I'm not claiming this fixes anything. I think you and hubby have some very serious problems. I have no idea if they can be fixed or not. BUT, I think at the very least you both need to consider an agreement to never call each other names. You also need to agree to not have serious fights in the presence of your kids. It changes who they are and causes them trauma.

I know for certain I caused my kids a lot of trauma by fighting in front of them. It's one of my biggest regrets. I've talked to them and even went to some counseling sessions with them because of this. My kids are now in their 30's and have their own kids. They know that fighting and name calling only makes matters worse.

If you can, I would suggest you go to a non mormon counselor.Go by yourself. Learn what you need to do for YOU. Until you know that, you're just spinning your wheels.

IDK what the answer is for you, but I do think you can learn some ways of coping that you don't currently have. Search out a counselor that can help you. When you know how to help yourself, then you can reach out to help those in your family. Heal yourself first.

I see no reason for you to be ashamed. A person can only be expected to take so much bullying before saying "enough." No one possesses unlimited patience. Your kids hate the way he treats you, and that is a major factor in their disgust with the church. Also, by claiming that the kids will never know what's right without the church, he is belittling them and denying their ability to make good choices on their own. Clearly, he doesn't think much of them either. They will remember.

Your husband, by berating and blaming and cursing you for years on end, is exercising what is known in the church as "unrighteous dominion." He is condemned by his own scriptures.

D&C 121:36-37
36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.
37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.


In time, when the kids have all turned their backs on the cult, your husband (or ex-husband) will be left to himself, wondering how it could have all gone so terribly wrong for him. And with a mind so narrow and small and pinched, he will likely never be able to figure it out.

This! Why should you be expected to take that kind of verbal abuse and NOT lose your shit over it?

As long as you weren't throwing dishes or waving guns, I think it's healthy for your kids to see you get mad when you are mistreated.

Let me tell you from my experience, that I have a tendency to not speak up and stuff negative feelings. Then they build up until there is a relationship-damaging or relationship-ending explosion. It's better to let off a little steam right when there is a problem so it doesn't build up in the first place.

So you stood up for yourself. You drew lines that said, NO MORE!

And you are ashamed for showing the kids that there are times when they too may need to stand up for themselves?

They already know their dad is an A$$. His words condemn HIMSELF more than they condemn you.

I would try and see how all this simply cleared the air a bit and not beat up on myself for maybe being passionate and emphatic.

When your husband points his finger at you and condemns you, Please note that he has three fingers pointing back himself.

There may be times he again tries to disrespect and degrade you but I will bet he starts to tread a bit more lightly around you. If not, you may have the opportunity to practice letting off steam a bit more.

Don't let this destroy your day or your love for yourself. See a non-LDS counselor if you can but I think you will simply get better at handling his attempts to dominate and control you.

He cannot destroy you without your caving in and accepting his outrage. I think that, though it can be disturbing to the kids right now, they benefit by seeing their mom stand up for herself and they, themselves, are less likely to allow themselves to get caught in destructive behaviors and relationships in their futures.

I admit I have lost it, but it was mostly because my TBM ex-husband pushed me to that point through his verbal abuse and I got to a point where I stood up for myself. I filed for divorce shortly after I got to that breaking point, because the alternatives were extremely scary as his abuse would have turned physical.

You are a human being, not a robot. You stood up for yourself (finally.) Granted, there are better ways to do it, but going off on your husband was completely understandable.

On Sundays, your husband is throwing the equivalent of a temper tantrum. I would treat it as such. I would tell him, "It is okay for you to feel unhappy that I don't go to church with you. It is not okay for you to take it out on me. When you are ready to talk about it in a calm tone of voice, and without name-calling, we can do that. Until then, I am going to go and do such-and-such." Just refuse to listen to him until he is willing to talk about what is bothering him in a respectful manner.

I agree with Janis that counseling would be a good idea -- either couples counseling, or by yourself if he refuses to go. See a non-LDS counselor.

My second husband called me names, and kept saying "You're crazy." When I asked him to go to counseling with me, he said, "Why should I? I'm happy the way things are. YOU are the one with the problems."

Blaming the victim is classic Narcissim, and my second husband was a textbook sociopath.

Whatever the argument (about his staying out until 3:00 am, his hanging out in bars, my getting tired of the in-laws blaming ME for my husband leaving the cult, when it was his idea) and my knowing that he did not love me and our children), I was the bad guy.

I wonder if your husband is pulling those same Narcissistic tricks on you. WHY do you feel so guilty? It seems like your husband should be the one to feel guilty, by constantly bullying you for years and years!

>>>>All the times of 'you ruin church for me', 'you try to pull me out of the church; I've seen it a hundred times with other couples', 'f-ing b-', 'our kids will never know what's right without the church', 'you mock my beliefs every day', 'you always ruin things with my family', 'you ruin every special moment I ever have', etc.<<<<<

>>>>It's like I'd ultimately had it with being blamed FOR EVERYTHING and I went off. My husband told me he hates me, never wants to see me again, wishes he never married me.<<<<<

My second husband abandoned me and our children, to live with one of his women. Throughout our entire marriage, he had been cheating on me. His Bishop brother had multiple affairs, too. When my SIL and I were both pregnant, the brothers had us sign some papers, similar to a pre-nup. The bishop brother covered for my husband, and lied that they were playing golf together, or at a late business meeting the turned into a poker game with the guys. Bishop/brother also instructed my husband that:

"The best defense is an offense!"

Is your husband doing this to you? Some men want the wife to initiate the divorce, and try to drive her to it. These men are cowards, plus they want to look good. These men are READY for a divorce, meaning, they have all the bank accounts drained and their assets hidden. My husband sold some of his property to his brother, so he wouldn't own them anymore, and he had hidden accounts. He knew that eventually I would find out about the affairs, so he was prepared. Men usually already have a "soft place to land" meaning, a lover to help the coward through the divorce.

Hire a detective! Find out what's really going on with your husband. A good husband does not treat his wife like dirt. Look into your own heart, too. How much can you tolerate?

I was afraid my children would blame me, but only the oldest son did. He was the one who found out about some of the affairs. Once he knew the truth, he didn't blame me, anymore.

The very first line of your post was so creepily familiar that I could have written it. My ex was a CLASSIC verbal abuser. I told him once, point-blank, that if he thought so little of me, why not get a divorce? He was adamantly against it, yet he had a girlfriend on the side (who eventually moved in with us. . . 'nother whole story). I finally left him and got divorced.

I was NOT interested in ever marrying again, but I found this wonderful guy who is still wonderful after 25 years. He is a keeper.

Nobody deserves to be treated like last week's garbage. There was a movie made years ago - starring a beautiful blonde who has passed away since, I think - maybe Farrah Fawcett. Not sure. But she was married to a horrible man, and had to go to extreme lengths to get away and rebuild a life for herself.

Another great story about a woman who escapes from a verbal AND physical abuser is "Black and Blue," by Anna Quindlen. (Not sure if the last name is spelled correctly, but it's close.)

Survival comes first. Several others have written good posts on how to do it. You deserve better.

I lost it once, lol. I was in a bishopric meeting and some 20ish guy (must have been the secretary) was in there with us. We had just got done praying about some calling and there was this stench of fart.

Backstory: Apparently the hot wife he was married to had some kind of syndrome where she uncontrollably farted and it stank BADLY (my ex at the time was in young women with her and shared the ugly details with me--you know how LDS like to share private things) and either it was contagious or he just got used to the stench to the point that he didn't think twice about letting one rip.

I don't know if I was aware of this at the time or not, but it pissed me off. I looked around the room at the five of us and said, "Who farted?! It stinks!" and with an very angry look on my face. I knew who it was...this little hobbit-looking idiot. The only millennial little fuck up in the room. Nobody said anything but holy hell I guess I just cracked and had to take out my frustration of these stupid meetings on someone.

I'm forced to be in these endless meetings and this little fool decides to release his stench on all of us. I was released not long after (after asking) and divorced a year later (another story.)

I just lost it a few minutes ago in the bathroom yelling at an invisible God that doesn't exist for not being able to heal my pain that I'm sick of dealing with and dont know the answer for. I feel you it will come out one way or another.

Priesthood guys are allowed to speak out and all mormons are allowed to speak against anyone who is not living up to mormon expectations. Other than these exceptions, mormons expect everyone to absorb and never complain about being berated or insulted. Mormon women must be especially careful to never speak out against anything that might upset those in the range of hearing.

It's far better to deal with problems when they're small than to let them build past the breaking point.

I'm so sorry you were put into this unlivable situation. I hope you can start speaking up for yourself in small ways to avoid the next big blowup.

It isn't your fault that you don't like being insulted and blamed for everything. Your husband has been fed false information (brainwashing.) Mormons think they deserve every happiness if they remain devoted to their church. That's unrealistic and illogical. It's impossible to wear down their brainwashing when they're still drowning in it. But it's impossible to absorb their insults forever and never explode.

Counseling might help or reading books on how to deal with mind controlled loved ones. Meditation might also be helpful and practicing little phrases of self defense. "I'm not to blame for that." "That's not my responsibility." "I can't change mormon policy on that."

Then walk out of the room or change the subject.

Good luck on all of this and try not to beat yourself up for being human.

Take care.

What you describe sounds as though you've been on the receiving end of emotional abuse for a really long time.

The things he's saying to you would wear any woman down and destroy the love you may have felt for him once.

You're in a very toxic relationship. That isn't healthy for you or your children. They're watching you being abused every day by their father. What longterm messages are the both of you sending them by such discord?

You may honestly want to consider a legal separation for the sake of your children and yourself. You deserve to be treated better and with respect as a wife and mother by the father of your children. If he doesn't get that, it may be time for you to get out with what's left of your dignity, so you can pick up the pieces and make a new start for yourself and those kids.

There is a book by Melody Beatty called Codependent No More.
It talks about dysfunctional relationships and abuse. Abuse is not always physical, and (lightbulb moment for me) religion can be a form of abuse.

It will be an eye opener,and it gives a lot of ways that you can help yourself. I highly recommend it. I know it helped me tremendously.

Hey don't be hard on yourself. You are human. We have all lost our temper in front of our kids in way or another. We all say things we don't mean at the time. It's okay. Your reaction was perfectly normal after being emotionally abused by your husband. What you consider "losing it" was more a boundary setting session (which he probably didn't get the first time around). Mormons spouses today simply cannot expect a spouse to believe in such an mindf'ing cult anymore. There is to much out now about horny Joe, etc. It's an extremely unreasonable expectation.

My advice, try to set him down and talk to him. See if he will go to counseling (non-Mormon counselor). Let him explain to the therapist why he continues to say these abusive things to you. In front of the therapist, recall all of the f-'up tenets of the cult, and say, "how can he expect me to believe in this stuff...and say the things he does." Let the therapist reinforce how emotionally hurtful his comments are over time.

Silver lining - your kids saw you stand up for yourself.

Also, do NOT shoulder all the "blame" because you stood up to your abusive husband.

You did nothing wrong. It was hurtful of him to say those things to you he said.

Your children are perceptive. They will internalize both yours and your husband's attitudes if you are not mindful to distance yourself from this abusive relationship.

Someone suggests marital counseling. That only works when both spouses agree to it. Counseling for yourself would be beneficial if he isn't willing to go with you.

Still, if this abuse has been ongoing for years ... it isn't too late for you to take a different approach. Set boundaries. Define what you're willing to tolerate. You stood up for yourself at last. Will it always be this way when you stand up to him?

Is it worth it for your sake or your kids to stay in such a marriage? I would say it's not. No marriage or man is worth that.

Mormonism teaches you that you aren't allowed to be angry or show anger. My therapist told me long ago that it is okay to do so. I've had MANY reasons in my life to lose it and I have lost it MANY TIMES, not just once.

Even my kids would tell you I had MANY reasons to lose it.

I take a lot less bullshit from other people now. But I'd say I lose it about once a year on average.

My sisters scream and yell daily. Even my niece told my kids how lucky they are.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Like someone else said, get a non-LDS therapist FOR YOURSELF. Go alone. He is emotionally abusing you.

No, the bishop and the SP will side with him more than likely. My gay ex was cheating on me and left me and I'm STILL the bad guy in mormonism's eyes because I didn't save him. He left over 20 years ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/08/2017 09:17AM by cl2.

I read your post and the responses and was left with a fear for your safety. Your husband may or may not have been taken back by it but when he said ...I wish I had never married you... he meant it. Do these things immediately:
1. Survey your work and life skills. What can you do and what is available to support yourself.
2. What is the status of current cash value life insurance, 401/403/IRA accounts. Willing to bet he has kept this from you or has accounts you are unaware of
3. Walk away from any discussion, argument or confrontation that becomes verbally demeaning.
4. Start now keeping a journal including his name calling, date and approx time and who heard it besides you. Go back as far as your memory will allow. This could be powerful at an appropriate time
5. Speak individually to your kids-you will know what to say for each age/gender.Let them know, see and hear your love for them. If an age that can comprehend discuss not preach why you left the church. This may be powerful for your seminary age children.
6. Finally, calmly, and insist on no interruption, lay out to your spouse why you left, why you will not return AND if he ever physically or verbally abused you again or any of your children you will call police, family and children services, bishop and work supervisor immediately and in that order.
7. Keep reading here

Gatorman
Seen far too much of this shit in years of church membership



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/08/2017 09:50AM by gatorman.

Sending you much love and a big hug.

Lots of excellent advice on starting to heal from the emotional and verbal abuse you've been soaking up like a sponge. Being a receptacle for the negativity of your spouse's personality disorder - whatever might be on top of the delusional thinking of the church - is not your job.

Your primary concern seems to be the effects of your "banshee" moment (I like that!) on your kids. Short version: They will hang onto it only as long as you do.

IOW, if you go around apologizing repeatedly, acting morose and ashamed, those behaviors will be the signals for their emotional responses. OTOH, if you take responsibilty, identify and "own" your share of the "fault," and state some ways in which you might prevent said banshee moments, you will remain the "mom" you would like to be to them.

I'm not saying this is exactly correct or anything, but something along these lines (and adjusted for their ages):

"I'm sorry if my anger scared you last week, and I'd like to talk about that for a moment. It was not entirely appropriate for me to lose control like that, and it's partly my fault for holding back my real feelings for so long. It's not healthy to deny ourselves how we feel, so I'm going to find ways to work on that. I also realize that I've been setting a poor example of bottling up feelings for you."

"For now, I'm going to work on expressing my anger in healthier, less explosive ways. I now understand that holding it all in for long periods is unhealthy."

"If you have any feelings you'd like to share, I want you to know that I'm always here to listen to how you're feeling - about anything, anytime."


Then, your actions must follow your words, or they are just empty, meaningless words. Being true to the healthy lives you want for your children can save your own mind, health and even your life. Live the kind of life you want for them, show them how to find that path.

As for remaining silent about ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, call it what it is, and let him know that you're drawing a line that he is not to cross. Being as strong (and sometimes nasty) as I am about my own lines, I'd probably take the tack of enjoying how much power he gives me to make him "so miserable."

Him: "You [always] ruin [everything]."

Me: "That's because godesses have that power over priesthoods." (with a smile)

or


Me: "Nice to know I'm in charge." (with a smile)


Things like that. Try it. It will feel good to free yourself.


He has been holding you responsible for his choices and feelings, and it's up to you to disentangle emotionally from those childish and unhealthy behaviors. His attempts to shift responsibility for his choices and feelings can carry no weight, no power. That is *your* choice, and your responsibility to and for yourself, and for your kids. Show them how weak bullies really are.

In the unlikely event that he becomes open to owning his own responsibilities, you can both have an honest, healthy discussion about feelings and choices. The words "you," "always" and "never" are not invited. They play no part in healing.

Live honestly, honestly live.

Mega dittos on this one...

Gatorman
Wishes he could write like this

I don't think you blew it at all. Everyone has a limit and when you have your buttons being pushed non-stop, you are going to hit your melting point eventually.

Your children saw a part of life that was good for them to see even if it was painful. Explain it to them at a calm moment. A sixteen year old is old enough to hear the plain fact that Mom and Dad have completely different views on life. It could happen to that kid later.

The opposite of being sheltering is teaching, education, explanation, and examination. Including your children is good.

Do not apologize. Do not accept the blame as the sole cause of any blowups. It is not your job to take all the needling and your children should know that.

Don't apologize, don't blame, just explain.

And yes I know what it feels like to get your buttons pushed that hard. And yes I did get angry and I did push back. And yes I did get told I was over reacting and once even told I had lost my sense of humor because it was only a joke which it wasn't. A non LDS counselor could be a very good thing. However, priesthood holders usually consider themselves above it and would only go to get you "fixed."


Ladyfarrier recommended Co-dependant No More. That book completely changed my life. Read it.

You have been playing on some one else's home court for too long. Almost always the advantage is to the home team--the Mormon half of the couple and double that if it happens to be the priesthood holder.

You need to find a cool, calm, well thought out way to level the playing field. Do not doubt yourself.

Some of us know how hard this is for you. I wish you all the best.

I think that you have put up with too much for too long. It is unfortunate that it came out in a way that you found "uncontrolled." But at least it came out.

What you tolerate, you encourage.

Now is a good time to stop accepting the abuse. Some examples up above were given how to respond to certain insults. I personally like, "That is not an acceptable way to talk to me or acceptable thing to say to me."

Your husband has told you that your ruin everything and that he wished he never married you, and you are upset with whatever you said. He has already gone further into insults than I think is acceptable in a marriage.

I would encourage counseling. If he is not interested, I would encourage seeing a divorce attorney and doing the things listed above that gatorman suggested.

Humbly, thank you all. I'm sorry I was long to reply. I had to get to my safe computer. I so appreciate all the support and practical 'how to's' for what is next. If I have the nerve as obviously my history is to be NICER and give MORE in the hopes that some kind of justice is realized. I read verses and hope that HF has my back and rewards me for my kindness and generosity. I read tons of 'marriage help' articles, listen to Youtubes, podcasts, go to blogs, vlgos, anything to help me decide if this is abusive? I've taken so many online quizzes. You all have given me confirmation and affirmation. Thank you so much.

I truly do not recognize myself these days. I feel like I'm losing my mind and it's this weird sensation like I know I'm on the edge but then I recite scriptures and hope I can calm down. Then I go into fantasies of talking to my inlaws and telling them all the things he's said, all the things he's broken, how our kids yell, 'Stop blaming mom!' Do you think I can tell my inlaws?

Then, in secret, I listen to 'Not Ready to Make Nice' by Dixie Chicks and Sinead O'Connor's, 'No Man's Woman'. I love those songs! I envy these women who not only wrote these lyrics, they wrote them and put them OUT THERE and continue to take sh*t for their bold selves. How far I am from that.

I also secretly watch scenes from, Thelma and Louise. My favorites are, 1. blowing up the trucker's rig, 2. talking to Darryl on the phone and 3. dealing with the police officer. PLEASE understand: I have nothing but respect for officers and respect all laws. But I love that scene as Thelma (finally) comes into her own and tells the cop (about his own family), 'You do? Well, you're lucky! You be sweet to them! My husband wasn't sweet to me and look how I turned out!' I love that so much. I know these characters had no children and all that and I would not leave my babies. It's nearly impossible to parent from jail. I just want to NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. One thing I said over and over in my 'lost it' was, 'I didn't do anything wrong! It's not fair! I did nothing wrong!'

Gatorman, thank you. 'Seen far too much of this shit in years of church membership'. How I wish all women would just quit this bs and LEAVE! Including me! The placcid (flaccid!) faces every week in SM and the garbage I sit through in RS. Stupid RS acting like the poor man's Kiwani's with the layer of 'the men are SO good to us' on top. Hate it, hate it. I don't know what my boys are taught in EQ. I don't know what is happening at BScouts Camp. I don't know what my girls are learning in Primary. Hate it, hate it. I'm a nervous wreck with Bishop interviews (of the kids) and every single time an elder takes one of my sons into a room alone and even if it's five minutes, I feel like I'm mama bear on steroids.

I agree about finding a non-Mormon or ex-Mormon therapist (who takes my insurance). I remember my pre-Mormon days. I was fooled like so many are who end up converting. Many therapists don't understand that Mormon isn't 'Christianity' and from the therapists' websites and biz cards I've collected, lots of 'inter-faith' boasting. I am too broken to be unheard again. If I had to convince a therapist of the damage I've suffered in Mormonism and the warpedness of my husband's mind, I don't know if I could leave the marriage.

always never: thank you.

To everyone who has replied - thank you!!

Open this article and have a read. Go through the checklist on pg. 54 and then see if your husband can have and open an honest discussion about your circumstances. I hope that this helps. It was written by mental health professionals and will be better for you than any advice found on an internet forum.

Cheers,

Kevin

http://www.applemag-digital.com/applemag/winter_2017_?pg=54#

Please don't ever let your children see you be a target of his abuse again. I hope they haven't seen this long enough to believe that is normal behavior for adults. Your sons could become abusers themselves, your daughters could fall into the submissiveness expected for mormon wives. Please don't let that happen to them.

My feeling is that you should consider getting out of this marriage if he continues to be so controlling.

Many decades ago I had just been discharged from a three year hitch in the military. I had recentlty been wounded in my hand and was still recovering.

I was eager to go on a mission and was scheduled to meet with the stake president that afternoon.

After sacrament meeting I was standing in the foyer with a group of like aged friends. The missionaries wanted to star an institue class. The senior companion pointed to each of the girls and invited them first. Then he pointed to the guys and skipped over me.

I asked if I was invited as well and he said no I wasn't worthy because I had been in the military instead of on a mission and I probably killed some innocent people and was going to outer darkness.

So I grabbed him by the lapels. Swung him around and slammed him against the wall. I put my forearm across his throat and shoved my bandaged hand in his face. I told him what I thought if him and how he'd never last a day overseas.

I finaly let him go. As he slumped to the ground in his soiled suit pants, I turned around and saw that between me and a rather interested crowd stood three men. All combat veterans staring down the companion and anyone else who may have thought to interfere.

One asked me if I was done. I said yes and they walked me out of the building.

At my stake president interview he thanked me for my service and said my military time exempted from missionary service. (I think he knew what had happened earlier)

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