I live in the Hartford, Connecticut metro area. I've been a church member for 47 years, having converted in my teens. I have been entirely inactive since about 1985. My inactivity came about, in part, because I am gay.

I moved into the boundaries of my current ward in about 1995. At some point, someone must have told the ward (or church HQ) where I was living, because I appeared on the ward roster. As a result, I've occasionally had home teachers (HTs) or the elders appear at the front door. They have always received a polite welcome from me. I invite them in and spend about 20-30 minutes exchanging pleasantries with them, but I have always made it clear that I have no plans to become active in the church.

You may recall that there was a (very) brief interlude in 2008-09 when it appeared that the church softening its stance towards gays and lesbians--this was right after TSM became Prez. (i.e. being gay was no longer grounds for excommunication if one is celibate, the Church put up a "Mormons and Gays" website, and TSM met with leaders of Affirmation, the LDS gay support organization.) As a result, I told a pair of HTs that I was gay and indicated that had a domestic partner in the home. That must have scared them off, because afterwards, I was left alone for about 4 years.

Another home teaching interval started in about 2012. They were coming regularly--say every other month for about 8 to 9 months. Again, I was very up front with them about my lifestyle. There is, of course, no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that my situation was reported back to the bishopric. After their fifth visit, I asked them frankly what their objectives were, again making it clear that I was not going to become active in the church. They never returned, although I got a few emails from them inviting me to ward activities or "just checking in to see if I was OK or needed anything from the ward."

After the US Supreme Court found in favor of gay marriage in 2015, my partner of 30 years and I were married. It was a low-key ceremony, there were no newspaper announcements, and it certainly wasn't published in any newspapers.

The interlude of softening ended abruptly in November 2015 with the new policy announcement on gay Mormons and their children. Suddenly, the fact that I had trusted in a softening church stance towards gays and lesbians turned into a liability with respect to my personal lifestyle. There were a few well-publicized stories of the church harassing or excommunicating gay members in the aftermath of the announcement.
Sorry for the long back story....

Then...out of the clear blue. In 2016, I got an email from the Bishopric inviting me to a "meeting" on a Sunday morning at the ward, and telling me that the meeting had been called by the Stake President. I asked about the purpose of the meeting or for a copy of the agenda. The reply said that they weren't at liberty to divulge any information about its purpose until the meeting itself. I was told that I wasn't the only person asked to attend, that other people from the ward would be there. I was told that they'd be providing some info that I'd "want to hear." I responded that I wouldn't be attending. I've heard nothing since and I still have no idea what this was about.

I have two theories:
1) Disciplinary process: the beginning of a church disciplinary process for gays--kind of a "we need to let you know where you stand." I will admit this is a little far-fetched. It seems highly unlikely (and very unwise) to do something like this in a group setting.
2) Reactivation effort: The email came about 6 months before the Open House for the Hartford Temple. I was at the open house and they clearly needed many, many warm bodies to man all of the battle stations for it. I wonder if they thought that getting an inactive member involved in the open house would be a good way to reactivate me.

I am posting this to ask if anyone has had a similar experience, or if anyone has any idea what the hell was going on.
Thanks!
Gordon Grant

Sounds like a ploy to get inactives to go to a reactivation activity.

As a teenager, I attended a few functions that were 'secret' to create a buzz about them. None of them ever turned out to be anything more than another meeting.

I am guessing you missed absolutely nothing.

Thanks!

Welcome to the board and congratulations on your marriage.

I am a nevermo so I certainly have no clue as to your question but your theories may be correct. I agree that theory number 1 does sound rather far-fetched, however ;)

Hi Gordon, congratulations on your marriage! I hope you and your husband have many joyous years and experiences together.

I doubt that the meeting is a reactivation attempt. The church leaders are playing a game--we know what's going on and you don't. My advice is not to play their game. The stake president gets involved for the excommunication of elders and high priests and has probably asked the bishop to be the front man for a disciplinary action.

I suggest that you email the leaders back and say that you are uncomfortable meeting with them without knowing why after so many years they have contacted you. You don't own them an explanation, they owe you the curtesy of answering your honest inquiry.

Please remember that the leaders have absolutely no authority or power over you. They create their own fucked-up procedures to hurt and shame people. The simplest thing to do is to resign by sending a letter to the church membership department. Once they receive the letter, you are out, period. Any other steps are procedures that the Morg has created for its own amusement. I'll copy another thread on how to remove your name if you so desire.

Very best wishes, and again, congratulations! The Boner



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/14/2017 02:25AM by BYU Boner.

Strongly seconded! How dare they not tell you. It's like a children's game.

Most Mormons are SO clumsy in their interpersonal dealings -- even with people very much like themselves. It's like it's a church for the socially inept.

First off: welcome to the board and congratulations on your marriage!

I'm going to assume the LDS Church knows you are gay and married and your name is still on their records. Your name on their roles gives them the assumed authority to contact you and do whatever they want.

I'm curious about what a Sunday a.m. meeting "with other people there" including the bishop and state president would be about. I highly suspect the "other people" could very well be their high council which is part of a disciplinary council. But a couple of things about it don't fit what I know to be the usual policy.

Everything I know about disciplinary courts is they start with a letter stating their purpose and they are held on a week night, not a Sunday.

This appears, at first glance, to be some other kind of meeting.

The easiest way to get the LDS folks out of your life is to resign your membership so they have no reason to contact you.

Now you have me very curious! What are they up to? Let us know what you decide to do and what you find out.

I had a Sunday court!

I thought the new rules made it easier for gays though perhaps hard on their kids

Congratulations on seeing through the stupidity of this whole charade.

This is so amazing to me --- that adults, hopefully intelligent adults, will allow themselves to be controlled and manipulated so thoroughly that anyone, anyone at all, ever would attend a meeting without being told clearly and in advance, what the purpose of the meeting would be.

And the arrogance of the "leaders" who issue and pass along this kind of nonsense is stunning.

It's like saying, "I have no personal worth or dignity. I am only allowed to do what the leaders decree. They are all-knowing and I, a fool, must follow their every command."

How do people not comprehend that they are being treated like very backwards toddlers with tyrants for parents?

Hello, Gordon! Welcome to the board, and congratulations on your marriage.

I agree with SusieQ that excommunication efforts usually start with a letter. So who knows on this one? I would go ahead and resign using the "remove" link that the Boner posted above.

Keep posting if you wish. We are glad to have you!

It always amazes me that Mormons think it's acceptable to summon someone to an interview or meeting, and not even tell them what it's about. It shows they think that they have some kind of authority over you, which they don't.

It's even weirder in your case, because you weren't even attending the ward. And (unlike most Mormons) you specifically asked what it was about and they wouldn't tell you.

My guess was that it was some kind of disciplinary meeting. But who knows. You made the right call to skip it, because at best it would have been super boring meeting and a waste of your time. And at worst, it might have been extremely awkward interview or disciplinary council.

I totally get why you are curious what you missed, though.

I would never, ever go to a meeting where they won't give me any info what it's about. Never. I feel it's childish and disrespectful to demand someone meets with you, but no info about what's going on. It's an old Amyway trick that people didn't appreciate.

My husband enjoys those little games. He will ask if he can meet them at the local bar. Um, no. He then asks if he can bring his new girlfriend along.If so, they'll have to meet at the strip club where she works, but it's ok there's some back room they can meet in. Immmmmmm,NO!

They tell him it has to be at the church. Well, ok, but he leaves for work at 3am. is 3:05am a good time. No.

Well i'm fresh out of ideas. I tell ya what, you tell me about the content, and i'll tell you if i'll come or not.

It's been over 7 years since they called.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/14/2017 02:11AM by janis.

Don't worry that you might be missing something. The motive is guaranteed to be ulterior and any relationship you have with the church will be toxic. It's their tea party, their stuffed animals.

I mean, not to make the church sound bad, it's just the nature of the beast. It would be nice if it weren't, but it is what it is.

BYU Boner, have you formally resigned? I know your wife is active.

Wow, I can't think of anything more tempting than a meeting where
they won't tell me the agenda or who else will be there. ;) If this
was an activation effort they really have no clue, do they.

Welcome to the best board ever! Congrats and best wishes for your marriage.
With that mtg., you missed nothing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/14/2017 03:58AM by aquarius123.

SusieQ#1 wrote, "Everything I know about disciplinary courts is they start with a letter stating their purpose and they are held on a week night, not a Sunday."

Well, SusieQ#1, what you understood about disciplinary courts (starting with a letter stating their purpose", and "held on a week night, not a Sunday", sure doesn't describe my case.

However, I readily admit, my experience was highly unusual.

My invitation to meet with the Stake President came from a phone call in my Bishop's office (in the middle of a ward Sacrament mtg.). That was when Packer called, and told my Stake President to meet with me just a couple of hours after Packer had talked to him on the phone.

Silly me, I thought they were going to call me for a stake position (as they asked for my husband to come with me). (You know, a woman's husband must be present, as he is responsible for approving any calling for his wife---well, maybe you didn't know that, especially if your wife was never called for a ward or stake position.)

At any rate, you-all are right about the way church authorities are told to keep things secret (for their advantage, and your disadvantage--whether it is for a calling, or a scolding).

In my case, it was because Packer had directed my Stake President to excommunicate me.

But that's another story (except to say that Elder Packer didn't get his way--even though he tried several times that same year).

pollythinks

Notice I said "everything I know" --- !! :-) Just goes to show that I don't know everything!
Yes, I know there are exceptions to their general policy! :-)

And then there is Packer who seemed to be living in some special world of his own.
What is the old saying: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!

Sorry you had to deal with all that nonsense.

I guess we all learn something from these bizarre disciplinary courts. I know I did. (Another story for another time!)


One thing I know for sure is that the LDS Church and it's members engage in some of the most rude, discourteous, shaming, guilting, crazy-making nonsense.
In my case, getting out of my adopted tribe was a "horse of a different color" as the old saying goes.
Not nice. But I'm bigger and better and not bitter as I don't give those bozos that much credit.

I do know they are manipulative and don't have your best interests at heart. In your situation, I'd resign officially and tell them to stay away from my door.

It's locals who determine how they should pursue inactives. Every time there's a power change, the policies might evolve. It's typical that someone will be left alone for years and then be targeted with visits and calls, only to be left in the dust again for a few more years.

If you don't want this to continue, tell them and turn in a letter of resignation to SLC.

Dear Mormons at Member Records SLC,

I've quit your church. Don't call me or come to my door ever again.

Sincerely, Mr. Grant

"Then...out of the clear blue. In 2016, I got an email from the Bishopric inviting me to a "meeting" on a Sunday morning at the ward, and telling me that the meeting had been called by the Stake President. I asked about the purpose of the meeting or for a copy of the agenda. The reply said that they weren't at liberty to divulge any information about its purpose until the meeting itself."

Isn't this how they get drug addicts to an intervention?

They want you to meet w/them, but won't give you any details?? That's BS. Your time is valuable...even if your sitting in a bean-bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos...(ala Ron White)

I think it is a Court of Love thang...which you really don't need to be there for that. I'd tell them to get bent.

Go to the meeting and take your video camera (hire one if you need to) to blog your daily activities - tell them it will go down a treat on your religion news/gay rights awareness blog. I'd wager you'd never ever hear from them again.

Or, imagine the look on their faces when you turn up with a fake reality show film crew for your online show (recruit a friend to use the camera) - that would be worth the expense, imo. Sorry, feeling mischievous today.

If someone wanted to crowd fund anonuk's fake reality show response to this I'd contribute

Wow...you are good at this!

Note to self...stay on Anonuk's good side! ;-)

Seriously, it IS fun to identify the weaknesses of an opponent and then use the weaknesses to turn the momentum of a bully on itself.

If you were living in New York City and got this kind of invitation, after the short meeting you'd likely end up in the East River with concrete galoshes.

Good choice in not going.

Just popping in to say, "mazel tov"!