Posted by:
london
(
)
Date: April 22, 2017 10:46AM
Let's see. Lost my 17 year marriage over it. Dated another girl for three years, lost her over it. Ironically, she left the Church about a year after we broke up.
Two years ago, I met a woman who seemed very liberal and open minded. I explained in detail my position with the Church and she stayed. We had a passion, beyond passion for each other. Intamacy was healing and spiritual. She struggled severally with LDS sex guilt over covenants made. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. She had a couple blessing that told her she would be healed if she stayed. I think this is where she got off then fence and made a more serious commitment to the Church, through we were still being intimate. I stayed to help her through her cancer for 6 months. Once she was out of the woods, the hard part, we decided to go on a trip together to Saint George. About an hour into the drive, I brought up that I had been listening to Zelph on the Shelf and wanted to talk through some Church shit with her, as I was feeling the angst again. She turned the car around on a trip together that we both desperately needed. I knew that was a signal that was the end. I loved this women more than any other, I loved her kids as my own. I really don't think she understood how much the Church played into my anxiety about the relationship, that her Church and her God would eventually win out in the end and I would be left to pick up the pieces of my life's greatest love.
It's so crazy, because she really picks and chooses what she wants. She's a feminist, hates the idea of inequity between men and women everywhere, except within the Church. She doesn't wear garments at night because they are uncomfortable, apparently she can somewhat justify sex outside of marriage. It would have been impossible for us not to due to the level of intimacy we shared. We could spend hours exploring each other's bodies. She said she will never regret any of what we had it, which goes against conditions of repentance, so I'm not sure how she will make that work.
So, yes. I hate the Church with every part of my being. It has my four kids, it has the woman I loved more than any love I have ever experienced, and it's taken her kids from me as well. I have lost more than one family to it, and now I sit here unnecessarily alone in Morridor, at age 47.
I'm sure I'll be asked why I get involved with LDS women. Something is broken in me that way, that is what feels comfortable for me? There is a lot of polarity here in Utah between Church and non-church people. The non-church seem to engage more heavily in drinking, tatoos and the bar scene here in Utah. I don't know that there is anyone for me who's still got a set of internal morals, lives a clean life, but doesn't want anything to do with the Church. Anyway, I'm a good man. I loved those people with all my heart and now I feel fucked over again by that org. It's sinister what it does to people. I'm sure the fact that she needs the meta-physical promises of a return to health from an aggressive breast cancer played heavily into what was going on behind the scenes toward the end of our relationship. A believe who is given a blessing to return to health, especially a single mother with kids to raise, it not going to risk nullifying a blessing that of course came with the caveat of "according to your faith." So, here I am not having slept for 2 months straight, suffering extreme levels of sorrow.
To top it off, the bishop got work I was moving out of the ward, came over and asked if he could give a blessing. He blessed me if I read the Book of Mormon she and that family would be restored to me, so of course, feeling like I do about her, the Church mind fucked me again! I hate the Church!!!