My brother already got off to rough start on his mission to begin with. He was adopted from Russia, still struggles with English, and was called to South America. He almost quit multiple times because he couldn't learn Spanish, but my parents were like "don't you dare come home."

So, now he's in a hot, impoverished area. He already has some anxiety/depression issues that he's struggled with since he joined our family as a teenager and I'm sure his situation isn't helping. But, in his emails, he's always happy and talking about how good the food is and how the members did this or that.

I'm not trying to rain on the parade, but I don't think he's being honest. When I directly asked him how he's doing in my personal emails to him (not the branch/locales/food, but how HE'S doing personally), he ignored the questions. I tried again last week and I finally got an interesting response. He said, "Trying to hold myself together. It's been hard."

I get the feeling that he's completely miserable and wants to come home, but my parents would make his life even worse if he quits now. I can't get him to talk about it with me, so I'm forced to read these fake emails where he acts like everything is great and my parents flaunt his pictures and stories to the ward without realizing that he's suffering.

Is there any way to do something? Would the mission president listen?

My twin brother is on his mission right now, also in South America, and it sounds hard enough for him even though he already had taken 5 years of Spanish classes. His emails feel insincere and full of forced positivity. As far as I'm aware (and I'd be very glad to be wrong) I don't think there's anything you can do. One of my old roommates from BYU was incredibly suicidal on her mission and she spoke to the mission president about it, but they still didn't send her home.

I have a son on a mission right now. His emails are full of miracles, blessings, etc. I wade through them, reading between the lines--no converts, lots of tracting , and contacts missing and cancelling appointments. As both his outgoing mail and my incoming mail go through LDS.org--we both know that other eyes are reading our correspondence.

Yes, I want to call bullshit on the emails, but my relationship with my son is more important than the fucking church.

In my return emails, I tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, and that I know he's following his heart. I'm a broken record.

Love your brother and put up with his emails. Give him a couple of weeks after he gets home and then you'll find out what really happened. I'm close to my older RM kids because I never put them down when they were younger and more idealistic. One is even starting to question a little. I'm very gentle with them.

Best wishes, The Boner.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2017 10:27PM by BYU Boner.

I hear you on this one. We were all idealistic TBMs once. There is no need for accusations (not that anyone is doing that here) or casting blame. Just love. Pure, unconditional love. That is what mormons lack and that is what we can give here. We can love better than Jesus - not just because Jesus never existed, but because we can love truly unconditionally.

HEY! There was a story I think I read several years ago about kids from Russia abused by their adoptive American parents, and the Kremlin got mad and put a stop to that.

At what age was your brother adopted? Has he been fully indoctrinated?

I'm so sorry that your brother is suffering. It sounds like he's had a tough enough time adapting to an English-speaking culture before being ripped away from it to South America. I empathize with his language issues. I am trying to teach myself Russian at present. Just trying to sound out the letters and words is so hard. I imagine that the reverse is also extremely difficult. Your brother deserves a lot of credit. It has been very brave of him to try to adapt to two new cultures.

The only advice I can give is to be as supportive and loving as you can be. I would tell him that you know that his mission is hard, but that it is very brave of him to keep trying. Tell him that you love him no matter what. Make your emails newsy and cheerful. Tell him funny stories about things that happen to you.

Some missions are supportive of getting the missionaries mental health counseling if needed. Perhaps you can suggest this to him.

Don't know why they still send missionaries to hell holes anymore .He should of been sent to an English speaking country, here, Canada, Ireland, Great Britain, New Zealand, Australia.
There's plenty of countries right there. If these missions were really " inspired", they'd send him somewhere where he can continue his new language, or even Germany or a country with an easier to learn language.
I love the Russian accent, think it would attract English speakers , even if they don't want to go to or join thevhurvh or even take the lessons, they would at least probably like to hear his accent, even just for a short time.

His Emails are checked by somebody, if not every time, but quite possibly. I am not sure who is checking though.
Missionaries and what they are doing are watched all the time. He is not supposed to say ANYTHING negative about his mission. So, your prediction is 100% correct. They are practicing, "fake it till make it!"
My son's emails were All positive and happy. After he came home, I had to listen to his sad stories day after day after day.

The Mission is hard, but for the ones shipped to the foreign countries, the beginning is even harder. I think he is learning to cope with it now. Admitting the hardship makes him feel like quitting. So, he is advised to avoid it.
Some Mission, like my son's, is so hard that it crashes every bit of self esteem or ego sometimes. Despite the hardships, some comes home stronger, but some cannot endure. As Summer mentioned, jokes are helpful. I hope he is making a progress. After all, that is all he must do, making a progress.

Poor kid. He has been adopted from Russia which was probably a situation full of horrible experiences. He has already lost his biological parent(s). Now, he is forced into another horrible experience by his adoptive parents, who care so much more about their status in the ward than for the child they adopted.

If he can't struggle through this mission, he faces rejection from his adoptive parents, who well know how much loss he has already been through. From where I am sitting, it doesn't sound like his adoptive parents really love him. I am guessing that he will figure that out, if he hasn't already.

This^.

I know from personal experience that being adopted is extremely difficult. My parents adopted my sister when I was 12. My sister has had tremendous emotional difficulties. She is 46 years old now and finally seems to have settled in and adjusted to the situation and her life.

I've also had experience moving to and living in a foreign country where I struggled to learn the language.

Taking all of this into account, it's hard for me to imagine how difficult it is for your brother. He's still trying to learn English and somebody somewhere thinks it's a good idea to make him struggle with a new language. If any young man should have had the opportunity to remain in the states or serve an English-speaking mission, it's your brother. That shows how much "inspiration" there is in mission calls.

No doubt your brother also fears that, having been abandoned by his birth parents, unless he completely obeys your parents, he'll be abandoned again. Oh the destruction parents wreak on their children.

I think, as others have suggested, the very best thing you can do for your brother is love him unconditionally -- and make sure you tell him that continually. That will not be censored and will, I think be a great source of comfort to him. Parents age and die. Then, it becomes the responsibility of siblings to care for one another. That is what's happened to us. Dad has passed on and mom is in a care center. My sister and I now must care for each other and for mom. I find that the best thing I do for my sister is to love her -- freely, unconditionally and non-judgmentally. We get along well now, and I'm grateful for her in my life.

Unconditional love is not something TSCC teaches and, given your parents insistence on a mission for your brother, is not something you've been raised with. But, I encourage you to express your love to him regularly.

Lying for the Lord begins with mission emails.

Is there any way you can get him a pre-paid phone card or cell phone or reverse charge phone call? Let him know you will listen to him any time he needs to talk.

There has to be a way to communicate with him where he will not be screened. I don't know what is available when in a foreign country, but I would certainly find out if it was my Bro.

I second this idea as an emergency hotline.

Here's the problem though. While some mishies are able to ignore the guilt of "unauthorized communication;" a clearly enforced missionary rule. He may get ratted out by his companion or other mishies. That's what got me in trouble. I was too naive to understand that the same companion that acted as though he liked you was really a tiger waiting to pounce when you weren't looking.

Is it possible that he thinks you won't be receptive to hearing how hard it is for him? Maybe instead of asking him how he is, let him know that you know missions and being away from home can be hard, and that he is struggling with the language, and that you are always there to listen?

He was in a great place, a place many people would love to go on their mission. Didn't have to learn a language. Didn't have to suffer through heat, poverty, all that stuff. His parents are wealthy and sent him the money he needed.

He came home early about a month ago. He started having problems within a month of being out and wanted to come home, but his parents forced him to stay. He had been out for about 15 months I believe when the SP and the MP called and said that he was coming home the next day, that a nonmormon psychiatrist told them HE HAD TO GO HOME.

Things are starting to surface now. When he was struggling like he was, they put him in the mission home so the MP could watch him. One of his jobs was to watch the fb pages of the missionaries. I believe the parents keep the fb pages. My neighbors did. They'd put the updates in every week that they got from their son and daughter.

This missionary was really shocked by the tactics used by the leaders and is really struggling now that he is home.

If you want some idea of what goes on in a South American mission, get the book "Heaven Up Here" by John. What is John's last name? I know him as runtu. He used to post here. You can buy it on Amazon. It is not pro or anti mormon. He just tells his story. I just checked. It is by John Williams. Excellent book. Great writing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 10:05AM by cl2.

How long does he have left on this mission? Still can't believe he got sent there. Since he was adapted later in life and is still getting used to our country, this being apart mission can ruin any bond your parents could be making with him. I'm glad he still has you and knows that he can depend and trust you and you're not them and are on his side.
A lot of people here know what he's going through.

Your brother feels this is a test he has to pass no matter what. I would guess he feels that his whole life depends on it. I would agree with NeverMoJohn's take on the situation.

It isn't that he is being dishonest in his letters, it is that he is in survival mode and giving the "proper" TBM answers is part of the test. That is at the heart of the mission. Don't forget that in Mormonism the facade is everything. It doesn't really matter what God thinks, it matters what the rest of the ward thinks. That is the way the parents see it. His mission is useful to them for their "front." On top of that your brother has not been able to develop the negotiation skills that we did as BIC TBMs. He is a stranger in a strange land in more ways than one.

It has been a long long time since my mission, and I don't know what they allow you to send now, but I will tell you that getting really fun and funny letters from friends made my day more than anything else. Don't try to get him to tell you anything, just be the one he know's he could tell if he needed to. Really work on some entertaining letters about things that would interest him, pop culture, crazy goings on, a little fun gossip or whatever. Some good jokes. Give him something to look forward to when he gets home. Show him the light at the end of the tunnel.

You are good to care sincerely. He will know that somehow.

He's struggling with his mission and is dishonest in his emails? I'd say that's an accurate description of roughly 80% of LDS missionaries.

"don't you dare come home."

So much for agency.

When my stepson was on his mission, he told us that they were not allowed to write anything home that was negative.

He was lucky that his father set down some conditions before he let him go on a mission. He told the church that he was going to call his son every 90 days and talk to him for 1/2 hour. He told them that he wanted the address where his son was actually living, not just the address of the mission home. He also insisted on a call on Fathers Day, Christmas, and his sons birthday.

They really wanted this kid on a mission. He's intelligent, and a hard worker. He is a lot more TBM than his father ever was.

Having his address where he lived made it possible for us to write letters back and forth without being monitored by the MP. It also allowed us to send things to him. He had a bank account that we would transfer money into that had nothing to do with the church. We often sent him money for clothes and food. We also bought him a new bike when his was stolen. These were all things that were against the so-called rules. Especially the money. We were told that missionaries were expected to live on what they were given, period. We ignored that. There was no way he had enough money for food.

I think a lot of parents have no clue what their kids are dealing with. They never get told because the kids are afraid to break rules. Especially when the parents are hard asses.

If my stepson had wanted to come home, he would have been on the first plane out of there. He knew he had that option. Nobody should be on a mission if they don't want to be. I don't care if they've been there two days and change their mind.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2017 08:16PM by janis.