I'm just curious how other parents handle it when your kids are invited to go to long distance events with people you don't know. A few times my kids have been invited to go with a friend & their parent to a place that's about an hour away, with someone that I completely don't know. So, I always say no. But there are always other parents that say yes, so my child is usually the only one with a parent that says no. It just doesn't seem like a good idea to let your child go somewhere with strangers, especially long distances away. Is this being overprotective?

How old are the kids? Are these friends that they regularly play with, and you just haven't met the parents?

They are all in middle school. I've heard him talking about this friend for the past 6 months. They mainly just see each other at school. I've never met the friend or parents.

In my experience, that happens (take someone else's kid along on vacation or just a day trip) when the families know each other well. I can't imagine my kid being friends with someone for six months and never having met her or him.

I'd recommend getting to know your kid's friends and their parents and then maybe you'd feel more at ease with allowing something like that -- IF it's a big deal to your kid.

Yes.

Stand your ground. You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone. Staying the night at a friend's house is one thing, you can chat w/ the parents and your child can call you to come get them at any time if they need you to. Out of town is different, even with people you do know. And not just with young kids - older kids can very easily be influenced and can get into plenty more trouble than a younger child can. Hearing "no" from you won't hurt your kids one bit.

It's up to you. You don't have to be like the other parents.

My "solution" when this arises is usually pretty simple:

I tell the kids I have to meet the parents first.
And I ask parents of the other kids I *do* know if THEY know them.
In other words, I check 'em out first. If they're OK, the kid can go. If not, the kid can't.

I don't think an hour is that far away, but then I live in the boonies, and it takes 30 minutes just to get to the closest real "town" with a grocery store, so...:)

But it's pretty harsh, when the other kid in question is your best friend, your parents have known her - AND her parents - for ages, yet they STILL won't let you go on that trip.

I've never forgiven my mother (long-deceased, now) for making me miss that Beatles concert.

Oh that is harsh. Missing a Beatles concert would be hard to get over!

My God daughter in high school talked her parents into letting her go away with her friend and her friend's mother. The mom left the kids alone on Saturday evening and the kids got into the mom's booze. The kids got drunk and roamed around the hotel. She was raped by a foreign hotel worker who fled the country before he was caught. She got genital herpes for the tape and while she is doing fine now she had long term PTSD from the rape. So no, I wouldn't let my daughter go with away a friend and a parent I did not know.

I say, "Would I trust strangers to take my wallet? No? Then why would I trust strangers with the most priceless thing that I have?"

I wouldn't let my kid go with anyone I didn't know even when he or she was older than the 1yr- 10mos. and 2yrs-8 mos. that they presently are. I hope I will make the effort to know the parents of my children's friends, though. Then I will be able to make an educated decision as to whether or not I should entrust my child to the person's care, as opposed to issuing a blanket "no" to every invitation. For a whole lot of overnight gigs, the answer will have to be no unless it's a highly trusted family friend or equally trusted relative, and even then I'll think twice.

A lot of this unfamiliarity with our children's friends' parents' is a bi-product of the cell-phone era. I didn't have a cell phone as a kid, nor did most of my friends, so my mother spoke frequently with parents of my friends. This led to parents eventually talking about things beyond their children's whereabouts, and allowed them to get to know one another. Now a parent must make a concerted effort to know his children's friends, but it's an effort worth making.

Do those parents ever invite other parents? Just curious. I'm imagining a bunch of middle-schoolers at an amusement park.

I put your shoes on, and I have many, many questions that can't be answered without knowing the inviters, and I don't mean just meeting them. I mean spending time with them, regularly.

I put their shoes on, and I have to admit that I'm a bit astonished. Would I invite the 12-13 year old of people I didn't know on a day trip? Probably not - I would understand that's a boundry violation for most parents, strike one. Will I and my spouse be able to chaperone, be responsible for the care and safety of a bunch of 12-13 year olds?

And that question really bugs me. I would have to assume that all of these kids will be responsible for any of their own special medical needs, allergies, etc., which I'm trusting the kids to advise, because I haven't even talked to or met the parents. I'm trusting that not one of the kids will bring or obtain booze, pot, or any other substance. I'm trusting that even if I manage to keep them corralled and I'm a reasonably aware parent, that nothing like an accident will happen, so don't need to know how to reach the other parents, times the total number of kids attending.

And that's a lot of strikes against these folks. I see them, at best, as happy-go-lucky kids in grown-up bodies. At next-to-worst, I see them as not really caring or feeling responsible, just taxi-drivers with a side dish of parental popularity. You already know the worst-case scenarios.

I like the wallet question. I wouldn't let strangers take my dog on a trip.

The parents who say "Yes" to their kids - I have to wonder about them, too. There's nothing wrong with setting limits for your youngsters whom still lack a clue. You're a parent, and that's a task that sometimes includes being unpopular with your tweens and teens. Now is the age where they are coming into their own, but you make it clear that your experience still trumps his or her disappointment with "No." You are teaching limits, boundaries and the price(s) of responsibility, and, of doing the unpopular, but "right" thing. Show 'em (again and again) how it's done, now that they are beginning to think that they know everything. Let their sermons begin. ;)

Tween and teens can make any rational parent feel a bit lost, out of touch. It's their gift. Come back any time for the doses of grown-up that every parent needs. Your love of them need not include caving to their attempted manipulations of your realities. Down is not the new up.

If I did not already know the parent well, I would say no. There is simply too much variation in what parents think is okay or acceptable.

You seem like a responsible parent, because you are raising this question.

I agree that you should say "No." Your child might argue with you, and people might put pressure on you, but you can deal with that. Maybe your child is old enough to understand that you really CARE about them. You might have to make up for it, by offering your child something more fun to do.

Having a set rule is less stressful than having to judge each parent individually.

I trusted the Mormon parents in our ward, thinking that I knew them. The truth was that they didn't care about my children at all. They didn't respect my children as people, either.

The Mormons were our neighbors and ward members, and I thought I knew them. My little girl was molested, at a ward campout, when she was asleep in her sleeping bag. She woke up and screamed, and several kids saw what was happening. The bishop was there, and he threatened the kids not to tell anyone, or there would be no more campouts, no more activities, no more fun--and it would be my little girl's fault for tattling. The perp was the bishop's creepy oldest son, a high school senior.

I allowed my daughter to drive an hour and spend the night at a cabin. The parents were another bishop and his wife. You would think that was safe, right? A week later, the bishop's daughter went to school with a LOADED GUN, and threatened suicide. Guns and amo were readily available at that cabin.

A Young Women's outing to St. George, with mothers in the neighborhood, that I knew, and other chaperones. On the way home, there was a car accident.

Can you trust a stranger's driving?

My daughter was in a different car, and was not in the accident. When they got home, at around 2:00 am, my daughter was covered with a red rash, and was having difficulty breathing. No one cared. She was dropped off last. We rushed her to the ER, and she was having an allergic reaction to red food coloring, from a red-licorice eating contest.

I like what Kathleen said.

I just asked my daughter about this: I was, I thought, very protective, yet she was molested at the home of someone I trusted, and more minor, watched stuff on TV that gave her nightmares for years at the home of someone I thought I knew.

OK: so here is what she said.

How old it the kid? Is there a way for the kid to contact you, and are you available?

And, is the kid "smart enough" to have good boundaries?

In my view, this last is extremely important.

There are a couple of books about kids and women--safety and boundaries which I HIGHLY recommend every parent read:

both by Gavin deBecker: The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. If you aren't an avid reader, I'd read Protecting the Gift first.