How many of you have ever dipped out in the middle or church service to get off in the restroom or pissed off your MP, the ward bishop or someone else? Maybe one of the bishopric counselors punched the bishop? Share your funny stories!

I remember driving down PCH one day and seeing all these cops on the side of the road. Then I noticed the giant naked fat man they were trying to get off the steps of a store. It seemed nobody wanted to touch the guy, and he was just sitting there with his junk hanging out giving them a look of "make me get up". Then the light changed and we drove away.

Well, I think it's funny (and another "stopped at the light" story....

Driving down the street and stopped at a light, saw some nice guys in white shirts and ties on the side of the road inviting people to an event. Either I thought "Hey, this is interesting" or "Wow, they look kind of like us and maybe would be worth getting to know [and recruit] them." I honestly don't remember.

So I rolled down the window and said that I'm interested and I'd like a flyer. He ignored me. I tried again--heck, I'm just a few feet away--and gave a big smile, saying, "Really, I'm interested" and held out my hand.

Still ignored me.

Well, these guys were wearing bow ties and were members of the Nation of Islam. He must have thought we were kidding around, FBI, or who knows. I had absolutely no idea who they were or their political philosophies--I was 19, after all. I figured it out years later. LOL.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2017 02:48PM by txrancher.

I drive by NoI guys selling their newspaper, "Final Call." All strange cults fascinate me. I hold my dollar out the window, and ask to buy one, but they won't sell it to me, a simple white Christian heterosexual conservative! Once in a while, I find one in a trash bin, and I will look through it.

I was never a missionary but Elders rented an apartment across the hall from my brother and I.

There was an extremely cute missionary that I wanted to have sex with. I finally manipulated him into the apartment. I was sitting in his lap. He was a good boy and had his suit, tie, white shirt and garments on. I on the other hand had on "Daisy Duke" shorts, shirt that not only showed my bare tummy but my porn shoulders as well.

As I was sitting there playing with his hair, giving him a good look down the front of my shirt I leaned forward and whispered in his ear "let's go in my room, I'll give you a blow job."
He looked at me and said "What's that?"

Another time I was sexually active with a mishie. I had set my alarm for 4:00 a.m., brushed my teeth, went across the hallway in barely anything on, went in their apartment AND there sat both of them at their little dining table fully dressed. The mission president was sitting there too. What a scandal!

Oh to be a 20 year old again and only worry about a good time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/08/2017 05:11AM by pugsly.

The curious want to know...thinking vicariously of course.

Where were you on my mission???

See, this kind of stuff just pisses me off! You RMs got BJs and those of us who were unworthy to go just got "For Young Men Only" talks. Disgusting!

I wish I could remember the name of the street we lived on in Milano. The route into town changed names several times, but went straight into downtown Milano, going by the famous church of Santa Maria delle Grazie, where Da Vinci's "Last Supper" is. When we would ride our bikes into town, the road took us through a couple of really big piazzas where several roads converged, and when the light changed, we had to really hustle to get to the far end of the piazza before cars, buses, and trams would run us over. We'd stand on the pedals and get going really fast.

One time, when we got to the other side, I heard a commotion, and looked to see that my companion wasn't right behind me. I pedaled back, and he and another guy were rolling around on the ground, and a small crowd was forming around them. Turns out that when he came out the other end of the piazza, some old dude just stepped off the curb and into his path. Brett yelled, "Watch out, you maaathaaa!", but hit the guy anyway. It knocked the old guy down, and Brett went into the air, and came down crotch-first on the handlebar stalk, right onto his "private parts," we'll call them, doing some real damage. We had to go back. He was in pain and alarmed, and showed me His Male Member (yes, he really did), which was now very large and blue. I was so shocked that I took him straightaway to the doctor, who shook his head and mumbled advice, and gave him some pills and cream. We just stayed home a few days until he could walk.

In retrospect, it doesn't sound like that funny of a story. But there was a lot of laughing involved, even by him.

In a similar story (in that it involved private parts) and in the same city, the district leader was in great pain when his scrotum suddenly and inexplicably got very large. He had me walk him (slowly) to the doctor. I heard screaming from the examination room, where he said that the doctor was stretching out his scrotum over a bright light, wondering if there was anything to see that might explain the unusual and painful swelling. In the end, the doctor couldn't explain it, only that the ol' sack was strangely full of fluid. He suggested a urologist, but I don't recall that we made it there. For several days he stayed home with bags of frozen vegetables on his crotch until the unexplained and weird swelling went away. (I'm happy that it did, because today I'm somewhat smarter, and I would suspect something grave, like testicular cancer.) Fortunately, back then we could listen to music and stuff, and the district leader had a reel-to-reel recorder that he played music on, mostly from musicals. And THAT, friends, is how I learned all the songs to "Paint Your Wagon!", with Lee Marvin singing, "I Wuz Born Under a Wandrin' Star."

Wheels are made for rollin',
Mules are made to pack,
I never seen a sight
That didn't look better lookin' back.

cludgie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> And THAT, friends,
> is how I learned all the songs to "Paint Your
> Wagon!", with Lee Marvin singing, "I Wuz Born
> Under a Wandrin' Star."

...with Lee Marvin singing (badly)... :)

I wish I had funny mission stories. Sadly, I don't.
It was mostly two years of mind-numbingly boring tracting, obedience, and desperately wishing for it to be over.

What made it almost tolerable was the setting (France!) and the people (French!). When "the work" got so bad I could hardly stand it any more, I'd knock off tracting, hit up a bakery for a fresh baguette, some rillettes, and an orangina, and make my comp sit with me in a park having a picnic and trying to regain some sense of normality.

The one "highlight" that comes to mind (though not that funny) was when I was in Caen, and the senior comp of the other pair in the house was less than a week from going home. He asked my comp (the DL) if he could swap companions for the day, and he agreed. We set out to tract, then he told me we weren't tracting -- we were going to ride out to the Normandy coast, visit the American D-Day cemetary (where one of his relatives was buried), and enjoy being in France for the day. And though he knew I was a "straight arrow," he also knew I wouldn't rat him out (his own comp would have).

It was a terrific day. But then he left, and that was the most "fun" I had in two years. And that's just sad.

I also remember teaching a lesson in a run-down home in Texas...during the middle of it one of the kids decides to feed the big boa constrictor in the middle of the living room floor.

This thing was seriously big. Like ten feet long or more. The kid had a rabbit in one hand and the snake's neck in the other, shoving both together and saying, "Eat! Eat!"

It never struck but wow that sure changed the atmosphere, lol!

That would've freaked me right out.

Plus, I hate snakes. :(

St. Vincent & The Grenadines.

Greeny elder is with us visiting a family in the ward when one of their cows gets out....cow has very big, wide horns. The four of us missionaries go out to help the dad round up the cow. We're circling, waving, yelling, trying to move him in the right direction. Greeny suddenly runs up, head on to the cow and grabs his horns with both hands. Cow flips his head and send the greeny flying through the air and crashing to the ground. None of knew why he did that, including the greeny.

One elder used to come over and drink all our kool aid. He never had kool aid for us to drink. He also could not tolerate hot pepper, including black pepper....too hot for him. One day when we knew he was coming over, we made kool aid and added habanero pepper sauce to it. He shows up and first thing asks "got any kool aid?"....sure we do, help yourself. He poured a huge glass and started chugging...got half way through and started feeling the heat. He sweated and sputtered and drank water and was fine.

Barbados

Standing on the street one evening getting some snacks off the food cart in front of our apartment. Beautiful local woman walks up wearing nothing but an open shirt, everything hanging out and showing. She gets up in my face and with a very nice and soft voice starts saying to me "you're so difficult" over and over, smiling all the time, getting closer and closer. I moved around, smiled, thanked her, whatever, and she walked away. Wished I could have invited her in.

Mission mom saw a rat in the kitchen at the mission home while we we're all there for dinner (I was giving hair cuts too). We all go in looking for the rat, a little freaked it will jump out snarling. Mission mom see's the tail sticking out under the cabinet in front of the sink. We sneak in with a plan to grab the tail, pull it out and kill it. As I'm reaching for the tail, considerably jittery, I realize it is a a gray covered electrical wire bundle, coming out below the cabinet door and going into the floor below. We all laughed and were ultimately glad we didn't find the real rat.....it realy did look like a tail though.

Jamaica

Girl in the ward had the hots for me, and me for her ;). Ended up with a few minutes alone on 2 or 3 occasions and thoroughly enjoyed making out. Felt a tad guilty, never confessed to the mission president or anyone else...nice memory.

Speaking of rats....kept coming home to find our bread eaten, cereal boxes gnawed through, etc. Came home one day and saw a huge rat tunneling into a loaf of bread. he scampered away before we could react. Bought a nice trap and set it by the hole it had made in the kitchen floor. Caught the rat, tossed it out back and the yard chickens ate it.

Another fun story. I was new in an area, and was taken to meet a recent convert. We were sitting in this ladies living room, her youngest kid is on the floor playing with some toys. He wasn't really making much noise, just keeping busy with the toys. All of a sudden the lady yells, "that's it! GET THE MEDICINE!". We were a bit confused, then the kid starts crying "I don't wanna go to sleep". The older kid came back with a prescription bottle of some kind and gave something to the youngest. I couldn't believe it. After that all I could do was watch the kid as he fought off the sleep for as long as possible. That is still a disturbing memory to this day. I guess it's not so funny.

I babysat once for a jack Mormon, and learned she put her infant son to sleep at will by booze. She'd drink it and then nurse him so it went from her bloodstream to his.

I found that very disturbing.

They were a strange family. Her husband sleepwalked through the house in the middle of the night, streaking around in the buff in the dark, thinking he was Peter Pan, lol. She told me he wouldn't remember doing that the next morning.

Aside of all that, they were I suppose a loving if not dysfunctional family. Although feeding her baby booze to put him to sleep constitutes child abuse.

I don't think that's how it works.

Not according to the experts. From the Mayo Clinic:

"Breast-feeding and alcohol don't mix well. There's no level of alcohol in breast milk that's considered safe for a baby to drink.

When you drink alcohol, it passes into your breast milk at concentrations similar to those found in your bloodstream. Although a breast-fed baby is exposed to just a fraction of the alcohol his or her mother drinks, a newborn eliminates alcohol from his or her body at only half the rate of an adult.

Research suggests that breast-fed babies who are exposed to one drink a day might have impaired motor development and that alcohol can cause changes in sleep patterns. Also, while folklore says that drinking alcohol improves milk production, studies show that alcohol actually decreases milk production and that the presence of alcohol in breast milk causes babies to drink about 20 percent less breast milk.

If you choose to drink, avoid breast-feeding until alcohol has completely cleared your breast milk. This typically takes two to three hours for 12 ounces (355 milliliters) of 5 percent beer, 5 ounces (148 milliliters) of 11 percent wine or 1.5 ounces (44 milliliters) of 40 percent liquor, depending on your body weight. If you plan to drink alcohol, consider having a drink just after breast-feeding so that the alcohol begins to clear your breast milk during the natural interval between breast-feeding sessions.

Pumping and dumping breast milk doesn't speed the elimination of alcohol from your body. However, if you'll be missing a breast-feeding session, pumping and dumping will help you maintain your milk supply and avoid engorgement.

Remember, breast-feeding is the optimal way to feed a newborn and is recommended until a baby is at least age 1. If you choose to drink, plan carefully to avoid exposing your baby to alcohol."

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/expert-answers/breast-feeding-and-alcohol/faq-20057985

"The same amount of alcohol that makes it into your bloodstream makes it into your breast milk. ... During the four hours after a breastfeeding mother consumes an alcoholic beverage such as 4 ounces of wine, one mixed drink, or one can of beer – babies who nurse consume about 20 percent less milk."

Alcohol and breastfeeding | BabyCenter
https://www.babycenter.com/0_alcohol-and-breastfeeding_3547.bc

No turning the other cheek here!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx1B2yfgHzA


What gets me is that the kid kept at it. His companion is going to have to deal with his cowardice, now eternally memorialized on the internet, until he graduates to the Celestial Kingdom.

Not a story but funny nonetheless. When I was in Rome the style for men at the time was to free ball with high crotched pants. Beyond looking very uncomfortable it was also impossible to not look.

In my first area, a city in Abruzzo called Teramo, we were walking through an orange and lemon orchard and my companion was telling me how great the lemons were. He picked one off of a tree and we were immediately pelleted with rotten oranges and lemons by a group of children that were following us. They were just protecting the orchard from thieving Mormon missionaries.

When I was an office elder my responsibility was the physical assets. Cars, furniture, apartments, and so forth. I rented a new apartment in Terni and my companion and I went with the APs in the mission van to help the elders move. We ran into a massive traffic jam so my companion and I climbed out of the van to explore the countryside. We got about half a mile away and we saw that the traffic was starting to clear. The Vigili made the APs drive off without us. We had to hitch a ride to the next town and called the missionaries in Terni to let them know where we were at.

I once had the pleasure of a single transfer from Oristano to Battipaglia. So I tried real tiramisu for the first time.

All super lame I get it but still missionaries need to embrace the simple pleasures of life.

I have 2 stories, both with the same companion in Mesa AZ. My companion and I were both converts and graduated in Marketing. So we knew the sales techniques are were pretty successful. There was one ward that we could not even get a teaching appt and it was tracted out. The District Leaders had the same problem in one of their wards so we met with them to trade wards. We sat in the middle of the floor with all of our wards on pieces of paper and took turns drawing wards at random out of a dish and then began to work in our new wards. The leadership were very confused and evidently called the MP. The MP had to come to the area and put things back as they were-he was not happy.

The second story has to do with Mesa First ward which we called the "green dragon" because of the color. We were having quite a few baptisms in this area but in a part of town the MP told us not to go (many very poor and minorities). The Bishop approached us one Sunday and requested we not have anymore people in that area baptized,and he stated "do you understand what I am getting at sisters?" smiling. My companion said of course we understood and could he do something for us? The Bishop smiled and said "anything." My companion said, "since you have the Priesthood could you please pray and ask the Lord to confirm we are not to bring the people in that area to His church." He walked away and we were let go of that ward the next day. My daughter is named after her.

I have one that was relayed to me by my husband when he served in the Northern area of the East Coast in about 1960.

They were visiting a family when they were greeted at the door by the parents and a young son carrying a cat. They asked to come in for a visit and the little boy insisted that my husband's companion kiss his cat. The Elder came up with all kinds of reasons why he could not kiss the cat, but the young boy did not give in! My husband would double over in laughter every time he told that story, even decades later!

This isn't funny, but was faith affirming to my brother while on his mission to Paris, France.

He wrecked two mopeds while there, totaled them. Thankfully that was all that was hurt, because he walked away from both of them with nary a bruise.

On one of his trips preceding the accident, he was on his way home from market with all the food he had to live on for the coming week. He was living on a spartan budget and every penny counted.

When his bike lay sprawled in the middle of the Paris roadway, all his groceries had hit the ground, including his dozen eggs that had rolled out of their container onto the pavement.

He felt it was a miracle at the time that not only were any of them broken, not a one of them was cracked.

:)

My sister and I were in the MTC at the same time. One night I needed to talk to her so I went to the front desk to call her room. The worker didn't believe me at first that she really was my sister. After contacting her I went outside to wait by her building. There were more than a few Elders talking/flirting with sister missionaries who were talking/flirting from their windows or had found their way outside. It seemed more like the dorms than the MTC.