I don't spend much time on here, but when I do, I find that there is a lot of good advice going around. So I thought I'd ask for some.

My 22 year old stepson (M) has been living with us for more than 3 years. He's not going to school, just working at a fast-food place. We gave him a very nice, reliable car. Over a year ago, hubby got him enrolled in the community college, paid his tuition, bought his books. He went to school for maybe 2 weeks and just stopped attending class. Had no qualms about wasting our money, apparently. Daddy didn't make him pay us back.

M seems to have zero ambition. When asked what he wants to do with his life, it varies depending on the day. Tattoo artist is mentioned a lot. If he's not at work he sits in his room playing Xbox, watching TV, drinking beer, eating fast food. He's up most of the night (in and out of the house), sneaking girls over to spend the night (one of my biggest pet peeves is strangers coming in and out), and sleeping most of the day, unless he's working. His room is filthy and reeks of rancid grease from his job.

M is not necessarily causing problems (other than the filthy room) and we do have enough room for him, but he's also not contributing around the house. He rarely interacts with anyone and is generally unpleasant. But my real concern is that we're enabling him. I've gone the rounds with my husband and he really doesn't understand why it bothers me. It would be one thing if M were in school and working towards something, but he's not. He's too comfortable right now and too lazy to do anything different unless he's forced to. What I foresee happening is that everyone just gets used to this arrangement (everyone but me) and he's still living here when he's 30.

Several months ago, once again, hubby and I went the rounds over this. M needs to learn how to take care of himself. If he doesn't want to go to school, fine. But he needs to learn how to live off what he earns and not with us.

Supposedly they talked and I was informed that M would be getting his own apartment, with a friend, by Memorial Day. Hubby agreed that I was right -- it's time for M to grow up. But here we are coming up on July, and there is no sign that anything's going to change. Once again, M tells his dad what he wants to hear and hubby tells me what I want to hear. It's a vicious cycle and I feel like I have to be the bitchy stepmom to get it to stop.

My husband takes any criticism of his son very personally and even mentioning the situation stresses him out. I try to frame my concerns around learning to be independent and growing up, but that still ends up offending. I hate hearing the front door open and close at 3:00 am or running into unfamiliar girls in the morning. And I can't stand the stench coming from his bedroom. And when will it end, if we don't put an end to it.

I should have a say in who lives here, under what circumstances they can stay, and for how long. Am I being unreasonable? Is it even worth fighting about? Should I just shut up and deal with it? Any advice for this very concerned stepmom?

I think you're right on track.
And that the kid needs to start taking care of himself.

I also think your husband feels bad about his previous divorce and what it may have done to the kid(s), and that may be one reason why he's reluctant to press the kid to get off his butt. He may feel like he's got the kid's affection now (after maybe losing it because of divorce in the past), and doesn't want to do anything to lose it. That's a guess, but it's an informed one (having been the child of divorced parents).

How to solve the problem...that's the tough part. I certainly get your concerns, and agree with them. But I also hope you can understand why (perhaps) your husband isn't pushing as hard on this as you are (if my guess above is right). Only suggestion I have is next time you want to discuss this, don't discuss it with hubby and then have him talk to M. Get all three of you together, and be open, honest, and understanding.

Good luck!

My husband actually raised him from the time he was a baby. I wasn't in the picture until jr. high age (worst timing ever!)and biological mom has never been in the picture. There could be some insecurity on M's part, having to share his dad -- I know that was an issue in the beginning.

He did move out right after high school because he was going to show us that he was an "adult", and then came home 1 year later, promising he was going to college. And here we are...

You're right -- all three of us need to sit down and talk about it.

Thanks for your input!

The son of a friend of ours was living in her home sans work sans help pay bills good at arriving for meals. One day she told him I am moving to a different house. So are you and it wont be the same house.
He found some place and angrily moved on.

who lives here. Sounds like your step-son's bedroom gets to be a lot like my son's bedroom does. My son lived out on his own for quite a while, but came home after his last breakup.

My therapist said I could try tough love. It didn't work because I won't put my son out on the street. I know I enable him. He is up all night, too, and sleeps a lot of the day. Only works part-time.

He was much worse when he broke up with his girlfriend. So I just keep loving him. He knows what he needs to do. Even my TBM aunt says he'll find his way, as do my 2 sisters, and I keep hoping. My boyfriend (who doesn't live here) says he'll find his way, too, and actually gave him his father's pickup when he died so my son would have a vehicle that was HIS. So we all enable him. My TBM daughter gets irritated, but she does it, too, when mom and dad aren't around.

My therapist said it is an epidemic, that this is happening all over.

Issues with your spouse's children are a losing war that you can't win. You don't want him to pick his son over you, which I MYSELF WOULD DO. I will always pick my son over my boyfriend and my daughter over my boyfriend, BUT I would expect him to do the same. I make sure he has plenty of time with his kids and I sacrifice for him to be able to do so.

This may be a situation where the son sets his dad up to see who his dad will choose. I doubt he does it consciously, but I don't think what you do or say is going to change things. I think it will only make things worse.

I have to add that my son does have OCD and has anxiety issues. I clean his room when I can't stand it any longer. He does work on cleaning his room, but he becomes obsessed with every little issue. He keeps it clean enough now that my job isn't as big. I leave it until I can't stand it any longer. I, myself, wouldn't have the discussion with the son and his father UNLESS it is in therapy TOGETHER. You need someone who is uninvolved emotionally in the situation to serve as a mediator.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2017 03:00PM by cl2.

I think M does like to see who his dad will choose.

I do agree that your children should come before a boyfriend. But under most circumstances, I think a spouse comes first.

Adults living with parents does seem to be an epidemic! Does she have any suggestions other than just deal with it?

You're a much more patient woman than I!

Thanks for your input!

Don't make it like next week, but 30 days, 60 days. Then stick to that. If your husband can't stick to that, then it won't work.

I've tried everything and the only thing that has worked so far with my son is to just be supportive and love him.

Now that you've told us that his father raised him, this is a contest for his father's love and probably has been since the day you and his father started to date.

I'd suggest a therapist more than anything and maybe it just needs to be father and son who go to therapy or all 3 of you sometimes.

I'm not known for my patience, but I've had to be patient with a lot of people in my life. I now tend to just go along and do my thing and let them figure it out. All of them. I control the part of my life that I can control. My son has a huge heart and I can't hurt him like he has been hurt in his life. Like his father leaving us. He and his father have a good relationship now.

Oh, another thing, my son also feels the need to take care of me. It isn't something I've asked for. But his son also may feel that his father needs him there as they were a team long before you came into the picture. I definitely think this situation needs a therapist. There are actually some good ones out there. I just went to mine today to talk about my dear TBM daughter. I've been seeing him for 19 years, but only see him once or twice a year now. He literally has saved my life.

You are right. Dead right, to feel the way you do.

My parents told us kids that when education was done we needed to be out of the house. I have a relative in the same position as you. The kid's now 33 and a worthless sponge. Occasionally he will apply for a job he could never get, like a CEO of some company. Your stepson is headed that direction because your husband is okay with that. He is harming the kid by playing to the guys weakest points. A real parent challenges rather than coddles and plays doormat.

Yeah the kids are all living with their parents now. That doesn't make it right. When I was young and poor I lived with as many room mates as necessary and took any job I could get, gas station, government warehouse, loading semis, you name it. I went without a lot. It is supposed to be like that when you are young. I don't want to hear how difficult it is for the millennial because what they mean by difficult is they aren't being offered jobs that start at the top where they can do anything they want and still get a fat check. I personally know two recent college grads who turned down great job offers because they would not be allowed cell phone use at work and so they are living at home. Everyone wants to blame the job market but not me.

But so many of these millennials (Not saying they all are) are lazy and entitled. They want their technology and their cars and a place to recharge their phone by their free bed and they don't want to work for it.

Your resentment is going to grow and your marriage is going to suffer.

You are a household of three at this point. That means when there is talk about this right away that it includes you and you say how you feel and what you will accept. Step mom should not mean that your opinion has no weight.

I did it the hard way and it payed off big time. I can't stand mooches.

Yes! Thank you!

I worked and put myself thru school. Always had to have roommates and struggled to pay rent/utilities. I also had to buy my own car and before that I rode a bike. I used to sell plasma to buy groceries. I knew the day each grocery store processed checks, so I knew where I could buy something to eat if payday was a few days out. I bought used tires for my car when it needed them. I survived and am probably better for the struggles.

They can't grow if we make everything easy.

High five! Your life sounds like mine. It fosters independence.

Last time I lived at home was one summer I decided to stay with my parents so that I could save more from my summer job. Lasted two weeks. Could not stand to be living with parents-- just felt wrong to be back at my parents house and be the son again and in my old room. Ewww. Found a place in SLC and finished the summer there.

This gives me an idea. Why not drive M crazy? Ask him tons of questions and stick your nose in everything? Same for the girl friends. There's nothing more irritating than someone who's overly friendly, haha. Of course, I'm, joking . . . maybe. Sounds like something they would do on a sitcom and never works, or, could it?

I agree with cl2, it's a war you can't win, but you can win your space:


http://tinyhouseblog.com/pre-fab/shed-boy-mini-home/

Google it until you find something that suits your budget and needs. He can keep his mess and smell to himself, and you can keep your hubby.

S-son can have his own fridge, food, noise and smell.

Best to you.

This is a neat idea! For an in-law or someone who legitimately needs help.

I could give hubby an ultimatum. Buy M this, or send him on his way. There's no way he would buy it, so it might work...

Generations live working dairies , milkers and herdsmen rate own tiny cottages. Free hamburger for all ;)

Generations lived together in farm houses often scattering sons across fields even in the well house.but they all worked. Free farm chore hands, more kids grand kids more servants ... ever here if orphan trains

This is our ancestral culture. Often a child is selected for in home cna or chore errand duties as one aged, my father sent the least likely son through cna training after his third rehab and avoided rest home care. This was not, the most ambitious son, however it was, the most sympatico affinity among his kids.

I think of mothers living with sons families and I think of multi generational housing among many , neighbors on both sides from Mexico both own their homes clear...have two generations of adults in their homes.

Culture is everything.. you can only analyze or comprehend variables like values futures wishes security safety contentment connections through contextual understanding....

In the same boat...

We are fixing it by moving across town in a house with ONE LESS BEDROOM.

We just say life happens, and it's cheaper rent for us.

I'll let him figure it out.

I love it!

I've had all 3 of my adult kids move back home, but it was for no more than a summer, with the exception of my daughter. She'd gone through a very bad break up, and desperately needed to feel safe, secure, and loved.


They don't like living with us.When they moved in, they were also given a move out date unless they had a valid reason that they proposed to us. I told them if they didn't keep their rooms clean, I would clean them. They know from living with me as teenagers what that means, and it ain't pretty. Anything, and I mean anything that was dirty, thrown on the floor, stunk up the house, etc. went straight to the trash. I'd clean on garbage day so there was no rescuing it from the can.

If they didn't buy their own food, they didn't eat at my house. Period. They weren't allowed to make any noise at all after 9pm or before 6am. That included running things like washers and dryers.

We didn't have problem with visitors because we lived out in the sticks. Nobody wanted to drive that far.

Believe it or not, I liked having my kids at home. I really like all of them. They all worked while they lived at home too. It was mostly between schools,jobs, long distance moves that they lived back home. They liked being home, but I think us living so far away from everything really discouraged them wanting to live at home. That, and there wasn't a whole lot of benefit.

Right after my daughter got back on her feet we sold that house and built another smaller home. There isn't a place for anyone to live here. We have a guest room, but it's tiny and is right in the middle of the house with almost no privacy if you're actually living in that room. It has a shared bathroom with my art studio. My kids would have to be in one dire situation to end up living there. We'd probably be more likely to help them out with rent closer to their jobs.

I will say that i've been lucky in this department. My kids have jobs that they like, and are proud of what they've accomplished. If they had bigger problems, it would be stressful for sure. I would never ever put one of my kids out on the street. I can't imagine doing that. When I hear about mormon parents throwing teenagers out to the streets because they're gay, I get furious.

My kids are all in their early 30's now. They all seem to be doing quite well. We had some rough times in their 20's, but I think that's pretty normal. I was single in my 20's and had some hard times myself. However, I couldn't stand my parents, and would have rather lived in my car or a tent than with them.

Each situation is different. So much baggage from childhood, religion, etc. Keep searching for answers, and hopefully you'll find the answer that works for everyone.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2017 07:57PM by janis.

I am experiencing first hand what you and the other posters are going through. My oldest (21) still lives at home and has had 2 part time jobs since graduating high school. He has being going to community college part time and has failed several classes.

My situation may be different as he was suicidal his senior year and came out that year as well. He has reasons behind his "failure to launch". But I am having a difficult time figuring out the best way to approach him about his need to move on with his life. I think that is what we, as parents, are trying to figure out the best approach: continue loving them and "supporting" them, or kick them out of the house into the street and hope they survive. What is the answer?

There are several things I have observed with the youth today that may explain this Epidemic of young people not growing up and moving on with their lives. One, they do not seem to have any fear of disappointing their parents or themselves in not moving on with getting an education, getting training for a trade, or finding ways to pay their own way. Secondly, we make living at home too enjoyable. I remember how I was at that age, and how I hated living at home and being with my parents. It seems that we are so concerned with how our kids think of us as parents and not making waves with our kids.

Mine is definitely too comfortable.

There are basically no expectations at home, other than picking up dog poop twice a week (which he has to be 'reminded' every time). If it were up to me, he'd be shoveling snow, mowing lawn, pulling weeds, and cleaning his own toilet (we have a cleaning service -- they skip his bedroom).

Why would he want to leave?

HE has a dog too? Oh hell to the NO. The dog's gotta go.

We have 2 dogs who have been around since M was a pre-teen. I make him clean up poop because someone has to do it and it's my way of making him do something around the house.

and also trying to find myself, I have some understanding of my own son's situation. My son has attempted suicide twice and I won't go there again.

My mother actually made it difficult for me to leave home as I was her helper. I did a lot of cleaning and I took care of my younger siblings. Every time I decided to move out, she'd have a meltdown. I did finally "find myself" when I got a secretarial job at Thiokol at age 20 and then I was on my way, but I stayed at home for another 2 years and then after a few years out, I moved back home for a year. I was in and out.

I've been extremely successful without much schooling. My son has my personality and there is now way in hell I'll ever put him out on the street. My dad, who was very tough, would never want me to do such a thing. My dad would come to me every time I was going to move out and say, "If it doesn't work out, you can always come home." I ALWAYS KNEW I could go home.

And I've taken in my niece and my brother when they needed a place to live.

Again, I'll say therapy. I'm afraid if you try to fix this without a therapist, it isn't going to be pretty.

Sounds like a lot of people have the same problem. Including my grown son and his wife. My daughter-in-law is an enabler. Her son is fully grown. I found a job for him at S&F, when I told her/him that they seem to have a large turnover, and do a lot of stocking of merchandise. He was happy with that,and has been every since. No need for more schooling (although he used to talk about driving a truck).

My son insists he takes care of his own room (a mess), and his own laundry, and pays a stipend for rm. and board. He was very awkward with himself and the world, but once he got a used car of his choice, he has enjoyed working on it (with my son's help, if asked).

He prefers working nights, as that way, he doesn't have to interact with the rest of the family.
-----

Any way....got to end now, as my AIR CONDITIONER son-in-law is here to get my AC working again. Ain't that wonderful?

Thanks, everyone! I don't know why it helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with this, but it does. :)

I do realize everyone is different and some of these "big kids" have various issues they are dealing with and parents need to tread lightly and their kids do need the extra support.

I think our M falls into a category of "spoiled, entitled, lazy, self-centered". He has had a great life, even with a single parent. He never lacked for love or attention from dad, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. He was/is spoiled by all of them.

He has never liked getting out of his comfort zone and if anything requires work, he's not interested. He is very social and has a big network of friends. He's very smart (school was easy, overall), but barely scraped by in high school because he didn't do any work (excellent ACT score).

I would never kick him out on the street. He does work full-time as a shift manager, so it's more than minimum wage. He should have thousands of dollars saved (but I'm sure he doesn't). We live in a major suburban metropolis, so there's no shortage of apartments or rooms for rent, but they are expensive (will need roommates, maybe 2 jobs). I want him to live on his own so he understands the real cost of things. So far the "move out deadline" hasn't worked, so there's not much I can do, I guess, if my husband isn't going to follow-thru.

Family pow-wow, therapy, more patience... All of these are good suggestions! Thanks for validating my concerns and good luck to all of you who are also going thru this!

In my opinion, M needs a big push to leave the safety of his comfortable nest so he can learn how to fly. We can't really learn if we never leave the comfort zone.

First, get your husband on board with this -- no more overnight guests. That should provide sufficient motivation for him to move out.

Then, investigate the going rate for a share in (say a 3-bedroom) apartment. Add in what he would pay for a share of heat, electricity, cable, etc. Start charging him that each month. If you want, put half the money into savings for him against the day he moves out. He will need money for first and last month's rent, a damage deposit, etc. even if it's just a share. If he's working full time, with no plans for school, it's high time that he gets intimately acquainted with the actual costs of supporting himself.

Set a move-out date and help him investigate roommate situations. Back in my day, you looked under "Roommates wanted" in the newspaper classifieds or on a college bulletin board. Nowadays it's Craigslist or another online source. You interview with prospective roommates to find a decent fit of lifestyles. College kids are usually your best bet. Give him all the help that he needs to get on his feet.

Sooner or later when he is living on his own he may get to the point where he figures out that he needs more money. At that point, perhaps you can help him to further his education or training.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2017 07:48PM by summer.

Everything Summer said. Plus, the dog has got to go. Especially if son refuses to do the very basic maintenance required. His dog gets sick? Don't you dare pick up the tab.

This kid/adult needs to suffer the consequences of his non action.

No more sex, drugs, drinking, or pets at home. No more free ride.

If he refuses, start looking for a new place that has no room/bathroom for him and is way out in the country. We live on an island in the San Juan islands. Yeah kinda hard on the gas bill if you want to party with your friends.

Either that or a very nice condo for two with a great view that doesn't allow anyone under 50 to live there. My MIL lives in a nice neighborhood in AZ. that doesn't allow anyone under 50 to live there. She lives in a 3 bedroom house with her 55 yo single daughter. Daughter has always been a hard worker and held her own. She now lives with her 85 yo mother to help with her. She's most certainly not freeloading off of her mother.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2017 08:15PM by janis.

I used to live in Seattle, and have visited the San Juan Islands several times. I would LOVE to live on Orcas Island. I'd move there in a heartbeat, if I could afford to.

DH (who is from High Desert Country, where we live) got to visit there once, when we were on vacation. We stayed at a pricey little B & B on Orcas when we were there. It was at about this time in the summer, but it was still pretty chilly up there.

I don't like being cold, but I love everything else about the area - the lush greenery, the ocean, the sea gulls - oh, my!!

What about day-to-day errands, like grocery shopping? It's been ages since I was up that way, so I have no idea how near stores and such are.

If there is a Heaven, I imagine it looking like those islands.

Hello anon321,

I read your problem and the answers with a great deal of concern. What I say will sound blunt, it is, but please understand it is coming from a place of concern and caring.

I appreciate all you are going through and some of the suggestions here are really good, but somewhere in the mix of circles of abuse the REAL problems are being lost.

From my point of view there are two major basic problems, first the son is a layabout and perfectly comfortable, and he is being encouraged and enabled to live that ENTITLED life and show NO concern or consideration for the others in his life and his home, you and his father.

Secondly, while I KNOW this needs to be handled delicately, I also feel that deep down you may be afraid to confront the fact that your husband would back him over you and that is very painful for you.

I wonder if you and your husband have considered that what is happening your lives and home is ABUSE of this young man? To be enabled to live the life he is living is NOT healthy and is, in fact, abusive. He has all the privileges of life, with NONE of the responsibilities and he thinks this is what life is, it ISN'T!!! I ask myself what happens next, does
he get a girl pregnant (with all these overnight stays) or indeed simply want to live with someone full time, and you end up with 2 or maybe even three (a baby) in that filthy room. Any girl who would go into a smelly, dirty room to have sex with a young man who has no job or prospects is not responsible and has very low self esteem, and the chances are you would end up with the responsibility of a tiny person. Is that what you and your husband want?

The situation with the security of the house is really frightening. Given the situation, I would not be at all surprised if drugs were involved in this case, we know booze is, and people on drugs are DANGEROUS at times. I would be SO scared in your shoes. The security of the house is your responsibility, for your safety, and he MUST be told to stop violating it or find somewhere else to live.

I can understand why people say they would choose their children over their boyfriends/girlfriends, but you are married and have a say, and TOTAL rights over what happens there in your home. I feel that once children are adults that parents are mistaken in choosing children, they have their own lives to live, and so do their parents. Old loyalties must be replaced with new, more mature ones, and live goes on for all in a healthier fashion.

I am so sorry that you feel your husband is not supporting you, and yet I feel that you also have rights that are being TOTALLY ignored. YOu have a right to security in your home, security in your relationship with your husband and not to be disrespected and abused by your step son (or by your husband ignoring your needs over his). A resolution to this is paramount in my view, to the continuation, long term, or your relationship. I definately feel that if this situation continues, your resentment will reach a point where you will explode and leave (I KNOW I WOULD) and what's more you have that right. Your wishes are being put second or third to that of others in the home, and whilst I am a great beleiver in compromise, there is NONE appearing here, except you being forced to put up and shut up.

I do think that counselling for all three of you is VERY necessary, and while I can see that tough love would work here, it needs to be done with love, and the young man assured that this is for his sake. He will NOT agree now, but may do so in a few years. But if he doesn't that is really rough, he STILL has no right to abuse you and your husband as he is.

I wish you all the very best, I will be thinking of you.

Thank you so much, fluhist! I agree with everything you've said.

One more thing that makes the issue of safety such a big deal is that we also have a 7-yr-old. While I'm sure that M would never intentionally put his sibling in danger, it could obviously happen.

Hubby has always been kind of a pushover where M is concerned and I think he's just having a hard time putting his foot down and following thru. Whenever I bring it up, I just hear how he's so busy and stressed and forgets. Blah blah blah... While he is very busy and I realize this is a stressful situation, it's a very old excuse.

I've tried to be patient and my husband is a really really great guy. But, yeah, in this case, he has been putting his adult son before me and our younger child. I told him tonight that I'm tired of him just blowing off my concerns and I'm really upset that after all this time and all the arguments, nothing has changed. This is seriously the only thing we ever fight about! And he has made very little effort to address it. And now he's upstairs in bed and I'm downstairs on the computer, venting to strangers.

I might have to give him an ultimatum: You can live with me (& 7 yr old) or you can live with M, but not both of us. Your choice. I just don't know how else to get him to realize what a big deal it is to me. It's damaging our relationship and it's limiting M's chances to grow up and experience life.

Thanks again for your input!

If you have a seven-year-old child, it's not good for him or her to see strange women coming and going. It's not safe, either. You just can't trust people.

Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be the bad guy. Maybe he's waiting for you to lay down the law and take the blame for it.

I totally agree with you FNLI. If something doesn't change and very soon, this story will not have a good ending. The situation with total strangers going in and out of your home at all hours of the day and night without your previous knowledge, really makes me frightened for you. I will tell you straight up, if you have any medications, jewelry,guns, anything of small monetary value, you need to get them into a BIG unmoveable safe, or better yet, completely out of your house. This situation alone would cause me to be looking for an attorney. What is your husband thinking????

The point about a girl and a baby being the next people to move in isn't that far out there. Who knows. He's irresponsible. Most likely in every area of his life. This could happen tomorrow. Then what will you do???

If it were me, and it's not, I would be laying down some ultimatums to hubby. It would be either I go or he goes. You most likely will be on the losing end of that. If you go to that place, I think you should have an attorney already lined up.

IDK for sure, but I think counseling will be totally useless in this situation. The exception to that would be counseling for yourself to help you stand up for yourself. Your husband is putting both of you in a situation that is physically, emotionally, and financially unsafe.

I'm not you, so IDK how you feel about removing yourself from this situation. Myself, I would get out , and the sooner the better. I'm guessing that if you divorce, your husband and stepson will stay and live in squalor until something really bad and unacceptable happens. I could be wrong. I don't have a crystal ball. Its just that i've seen situations like this over and over. The enabler and the user will stick together until it implodes and brings everyone involved down with them.

I think that counseling will help you to extricate yourself in the way that's best for you, whatever that is.

"Any girl who would go into a smelly, dirty room to have sex with a young man who has no job or prospects"

There's no need to even finish that sentence. I was just thinking along these lines. I dated a guy, ONCE, who was 30 and lived in his mother's basement. He was diabetic and seemed to refuse to take care of himself properly so he lived with his aging momma, "just temporarily." One night, I asked him how long he'd lived there, observing a thick coat of dust that was all over, and he told me like six years. WTF? We didn't last long, even though I was only 22 and not all that responsible myself. I dumped that guy and moved to another state, where I had a roommate and pressure to feed and house myself.

So I can't understand how he's getting laid. Actually, I can because a hookup with a dude living in his mom's house is not the same thing as a relationship with a dude living in his mom's house. Sooner or later he's going to meet someone he really wants to have a relationship with and I hope she doesn't respect him at all until he gets his shit together. I hope it's a relationship dealbreaker because that might be the wake up call he needs. I would never agree to partner up with a guy who cannot even feed and house himself and relies on mommy and daddy to do everything for him. Because when you get with a guy like that, guess who is expected to fill the role of parent? Yep. Girlfriend. Erm, no. I will not finish raising someone else's son for them.

I just don't get it. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents' house. Of course, they expected me to pay rent after 18 (yet still live by their house rules), and would not pay for college or any of my expenses. The reason I couldn't wait to get out is because my parents are abusive assholes. The gravy train has to stop. He should be contributing rent and some money toward utilities, Wifi, groceries, and I hope to hell he's doing his own laundry.

So the only thing you can do, I think, is actively work at becoming the bad-guy-stepmom. I don't think you want to do that and you certainly don't want to alienate your husband. So what you really have on your hands is a husband problem, not a stepson problem. You and your husband are not on the same page and you are not unified when you are presenting house rules to his son. He clearly undermines you. That should be a dealbreaker to YOU. You might want to think about moving out for a little while. Yes, it's shitty to drop an ultimatum on your spouse, but to whom is is loyalty? And adult son who should be well capable of taking care of himself by now or his wife, to whom he made a lifetime commitment? I think your DH should be thinking about what's really the most important right now and if it's not you, well, then, you know what to do.

Try counseling. With you and your husband. Try to get him to see the enabling behavior is actually crippling his own son. He's not doing him any favors. He's just creating a spoiled, selfish, entitled, lazy adult who won't ever be capable of being a good partner in an adult relationship. He's just going to be some woman's problem later.

Ha I'm 34 and still live at home, I have 2 pretty good jobs and contribute Alot around here so maybe my mom wouldn't write a post like this never know:)

Well, Rolled Tacos, a lot can be said for contributing around the house! :) Your mom might love having you there to help!

If our son ever did anything like offer to pick stuff up at the store, offer to take his sibling to the park, voluntarily shovel the driveway after a snowstorm, make dinner once in a while, just be a generally pleasant and happy person, and have respect for rules like "no sleepovers by strangers", I might feel a little differently.

I think every situation is unique.

Define "a lot." Are you taking the trash out once a month and you think that's "a lot," or are you contributing your fair share of chores and money toward shared household expenses?

I don't have any issues with an adult living with their parents as long as everyone is contributing to the best of their capability. There are a lot of valid reasons to live with your folks as an adult -- often it helps out the parents. So if you're living the same as you would with a roommate or a SO, splitting chores and expenses fairly, then I have no problem with that.

I think at the very least "M" should be required to pay rent. He may not make much money but he is an adult and should be contributing something to the household. Even if the house is paid for he is still using resources like water and electricity.

You have every right to insist on a minimum standard of cleanliness for his room, and he has no right to be disturbing your sleep by having guests in at 3:00 AM.

Wish me luck
I was in the same situation with my 20 year old son.
I put him out on the street a year ago. He stayed in a shelter for a couple months. We hoped that the tough love approach would open his eyes and we took him back in.
It just got worse. No ambition, part time job, weed every day and totally ignoring the family.
He stayed isolated. He wants to be a rapper...
I took it slowly and we did the move away thing.
Bought a house far away and told him he needed to find his own place.
I asked him to hand over his keys today.
He did. He found a roommate and I'm so happy that he'll get to experience life by being responsible for himself.
Wish us luck. I'm not so confident it'll work out for him...

Best of luck to all of you!!

It's a sad fact of life that not everyone wants to do what it takes to put a roof over their own head and wear clean clothes, and feed themselves nourishing food. For some, it seems like too much effort and they're rather get by another way. How much are you willing to continue to do it for them and for how long? How much of the responsibility is really on you? At what point is it no longer your responsibility?

Reading your post gave me deja vu! I was in a similar position with my partners 23yo step kid two years ago. So I am like the "step step" wicked witch of the west.

She lived in our spare room, never interacted with anyone or contributed to the house, up only at night(on speed), had people in and out of the house while we were sleeping, including her psychotic addict mother, whom we have a restraining order against. She was also robbing us blind, anything that wasn't nailed down. Raided our cash fund on a regular basis, ate all our food with her friends at night, and we're not well off. We found that we were feeding her and not ourselves.
My partner is quite an enabler, and also very sensitive about the step kids, so at the time, I couldn't even start a constructive sentence with her name in it without him getting aggressive or defensive, though he talked constantly about how he wanted her out of his house. I felt like she was the reason we could never leave town.

I was making plans on moving back to my own place and away from it all when she came home one night and left the yard gate open, and our aged dog wandered out and was missing. I confronted her about it in tears, she denied it, refused to help me look for the dog and slammed her bedroom door in my face.
I gave my partner an ultimatum then, he finally saw that his apathy about the situation was only making her unsustainable habits worse. He kicked her out and I changed all the locks. She moved in with her mom, got a job to escape that hell, cleaned up and got healthy, and then moved into her own place.

SO the tough love worked for the three of us.
Now only if it would work on my partner's 24yo little brother that still lives in the corner of his mother's bedroom in her tiny apartment. He has a job, but does not contribute at all. Mommy pays all bills and buys food with her small SS funds. He has no intention of leaving and feels like it's normal to be a 24 yro man sharing a bed with Mommy.

Thanks for all the responses!

I have started taking some more drastic measures with my husband, other than just talking about all my concerns around the situation with M. I feel like I have talked until I'm blue in the face, and nothing has changed. I hear how things are going to change, but in the end, it never does. My patience is gone.

Our most recent conversation was a couple nights ago.

Me: When is M moving out?
DH: I don't know. (looks exasperated)
Me: When we talked 4 months ago about this, you said he would be out by Memorial Day.
DH: I know.
Me: It's almost July. When is he moving?
DH: I don't know.
Me: He had a girl spend the night the other day.
DH: I know.
Me: I've told him several times that it's not OK. I don't want strangers in my house at night.
DH: I've told him that, too.
Me: Well, he's apparently going to do whatever he wants.
DH: (throwing hands up in the air). What am I supposed to do?!
Me: Kick him out.
DH: (nothing. Staring at phone. Maybe texting M?)

Nothing after that. It was silent for 10 min. so I got up and left. We haven't been in the same room since then. I'm so furious!

Hubby really does have a hard time with any kind of disagreements, whether with me or M. He's a peacemaker. And a procrastinator. He wants to be a good dad & husband, and he almost always is. I've told him he's done a great job of supporting and encouraging and helping M along the way. Now it's time to back off and let him be an adult. Hubby views this whole issue as a personal failure on his part.

M does pay his share of cell bill, car insurance, and a little rent. But it took me over a year to even get that to happen. He isn't a thief, but is most definitely a liar. I haven't washed his laundry in years. He rarely washes it, either. All of his clothes reek of rancid grease and cigarettes. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I don't know how he gets girls to share a bed. And, yes, that does say a lot about the quality of his girls and other friends. He rarely eats with us at home. He just lives on fast food.

M was a nightmare teenager! Now, I admit, he's much improved, but still acts like a kid. I've told hubby that M is a teenager with adult privileges, and that's a bad combination.

I've started sleeping in the guest room with the door wide open. It's right in between 7-yr-old and M. I want to know who is coming in the house during the night. I'll be sleeping there until M moves out. If anyone comes in with him at night, I will kick them out and change the locks on the doors the next day. Will this motivate hubby? Who knows. Hard to say after 2 nights.

If hubby ever decides he's ready to talk about anything, I'm planning to let him know that I'm done talking about M. He already knows exactly how I feel and why. If it's too hard to choose between his wife and his adult son, we have something much more important to discuss.

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I just feel very disrespected by both of them and I'm drawing the line right here.

So sorry to all of you who are dealing with something similar! I guess there is no right answer for every situation. I hope we all can figure out what's right for us! :)

What's your back up plan if hubby does the same thing he's always done and ignores the problems? Like I said before, it sounds like he wants you to take care of the problem and take the blame for it too.

If you pay for half of the mortgage, bills and even th sons stuff plus you and hubby take care of half needs at home (cleaning, cooking, etc) then you have a 100% say on this.

Because she was the youngest, and (according to both bio parents) she was an "accident," my stepdaughter was never held to the same standards as her older siblings. Consequently, as a young teen, she went wildly rebellious, snuck out at night, had sex with everything that would hold still long enough, (thank goodness she never got pregnant or a disease that couldn't be cured with antibiotics), and went through a brief, inglorious period of shoplifting. She got caught, and was stunned when we told the cops to throw the book at her. It was ruled a misdemeanor, but frightened her so badly she gave up that particular endeavor.

She tried being married for a while, as she did not want to work or go to school, but she didn't like being a wife, either, and resented that he husband expected her to at least keep house and prepare meals. She slept or read or played on the computer all day, so that didn't last.

She left him and announced that she would support herself by being a server in an upscale restaurant. She did pretty well, but since many people in food service have drug habits, she picked this up as well, so between the high cost of pot, rent, phone and utilities, she couldn't make it on her own.

She begged to come home. We have what was intended to be a "mother-in-law" apt on our property, and she lives in that. She pays no rent. She has developed and operates a small business of her own. She pays the rent and utilities on the building herself (most of the time) while attending college. She never wanted to go to college, and has done a very half-assed job of it (though she is bright and could do much better if she applied herself) and should graduate by the end of the year. The degree is fairly worthless. To make it pay off, you need to get a Master's, and there is no way she has the discipline to do this.

In the meantime, she is doing a decent job of building her business. She has no intention of ever working a regular 40 hour week or taking orders from supervisors. (She has shown repeatedly that if criticized by a supervisor, she flies into a rage, tells them to go to hell, and quits on the spot.) Self-employment is clearly the only way for her.

As far as I know, she still has about a $500/month weed habit. She admits that it would be nice to free up that money for other expenses, but does not believe she can kick the habit.

If either DH or I die, the other will have enough insurance to pay off the house, so the apt. will still be there for DSD to use. But if we ever sell the house, I'm not sure she will ever be able to support herself. The other sibs are grown up and self-supporting.

Even while the kids were growing up, they used to fuss at their father for letting the youngest get away with stuff the older ones would have been skinned alive for. Now we are paying for it. I didn't dare step in because I was only the step-parent, and they don't have the same kind of authority.

Just one more baby bird that can't/won't leave the nest. Now, her story is that regardless of which of us - DH or I - croaks first, she will be around to "take care" of the surviving one.

Right.

Ask your husband what interest he has in allowing this French fry smelling loser to keep hanging around .It is one thing to have an adult child living with parents if they are going to college, working and help around the house . This guy is a bum who will never have the motivation to change. He has it WAY too easy and goodness what kind of young ladies would want to be with a guy like this ? Oh ya other lazy bums who live off their folks .Kick his arse out . Pronto.

Oh and by the way your husband sounds like an overprotective Wussy for not booting his lazy butt out .My crytal ball sees divorce in your future unless you can stand up to the wimp and the freeloader.

Kick him out. Period! He has 30 days left. PERIOD! Hit him with the truth about his life and lay down the law. PLACE YOUR BOUNDARIES. Forget the therapist. He needs TOUGH LOVE, NOT more mooch time. Give him the first month's rent and deposit if necessary. And HE CAN'T MOVE BACK IN - EVER!

I wish you a very good outcome from this situation. But it's obviously up to you to end it. Subconsciously, this is what your husband wants you to do also.

He's OUT!

One more thing....

No more screwing girls in YOUR HOME! Change the locks when he's gone and fumigate his room. Then fill his room with all of your junk.

In a month or so, invite him to dinner. Fried Weenies would be PERFECT.

Good luck!

OP, moving out of your bedroom is not okay. It seems like adaptation to abuse and manipulation. DH's lack of action/reaction is passive-aggressive at its base.

-Moves that DSS seemed to have learned well.

The adult "child" is, in fact, not a child, and is not only impeding a pleasant home life for you, but also placing an actual child at risk and setting a very poor example for her.

And, so sorry about this, but so is your "temporary"(?) solution.

Where is HER dad? Why has he shown so little concern for her? What about her "peaceful" childhood?

The adult child shows no concern for the welfare or childhood of his sister, and that is also a page from his dad's book - "Me First, How To Get What You Want Without Open Conflict - A Study in Passive-Aggressive Behavior".

Move her dad into the spare room, reclaim your bedroom. Let him snore through the goings-on that his daughter is learning at the knee of her brother, including sleeping around with a loser bf still living off his dad, smoking (whatever), drinking, lack of hygene, etc.

Yeah, her brother has the ticket, all right.

Get a lawyer (hired balls, since DH seems to have misplaced his). Serve DSS with an eviction notice. Let DH know that if he can't wear the pants, you will. For your daughter. If you have to "be the dad," then do it. She needs a dad.

If DH wants to continue to send support payments to his adult child, so be it, at least he's away from you and your daughter, and your DH can fritter away his daughter's future in other ways.

I have informed M that he needs to move out by Aug. 1. No exceptions.

I have also warned him that, in the meantime, if I find out that anyone else has been in our house during the night, it will be the last night he spends here.

I will follow thru, even if it means hiring someone to come in and move all his stuff to the front lawn or to Goodwill.

He should have plenty of $ saved up already and all the furniture in his room is his to take. If he can't find something here, he has the reliable vehicle we gave him, and he can move somewhere more affordable (like WY or ID) and still be near relatives and fast-food jobs. And cheaper schools.

Thank you all for your suggestions, insight and personal experiences! It has solidified my resolve and makes me confident that this is the right thing to do for our whole household.

Ask a lawyer or google if he has tenant (resident) rights in your locality. You may need to serve him, or police may allow him to stay. You could be sued for putting him out improperly.

I agree. Consult a lawyer. It will be money well spent. Since your stepson is paying "a little rent" he may have some rights under law. It's best to find that out before the fact rather than after the fact.

Ok. If he isn't paying rent, charge him roughly the amount to share an apt w/someone, then every 6mos, bump the rent up. Along with that rules/chores that have to be done. Eventually the risk/reward will be such that he will want to be away from you, your "high" rent, and your rules..

CONGRATULATIONS, "anon321"!!! So glad to read your resolve!

Yes, he needs to leave. May peace be in your home now.

Good on YOU!!!

Thank you!

There is no peace, so far. :( Both hubby and son are very mad at me. Hubby claims he was dealing with it and that I was too mean. I was straight-forward with M -- he's 22, not 12.

My deadline might be irrelevant.

I don't know where things will go from here, but I'll deal with it one step at a time. This really is the only thing we ever argue about. Hoping he'll come to his senses soon...

Once a client was angry with me over a petty, irrational issue. My boss said, "She'll get over it." And she did. Hopefully your DH will be able to move on eventually as well.

The son will probably try to manipulate his Father into over-riding your demands. Be prepared with a list of damn good reasons the son needs to leave and be firm. Hubby knows you're right already. He just wants to be the "good guy", so let him assume that role for now. But the kid is OUT! Be prepared to reinforce the reasons to both of them when needed.

SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

Start charging him rent. Make the rent high enough that he might just as well get his own apartment for the same amount of money he is paying you. Be prepared to call the police if necessary to get him out if he doesn't keep up on the rent. But let him stay for free as long as he is in college. This sounds cold and cruel but it isn't. He will have to succeed at something or he will end up on the streets. College is relatively an easy out if he chooses to take that path.

This was the deal my dad gave me, although I respected him way too much to make him call the police on me and he respected me way too much to make such a threat to me. We both knew I would go if he said so. The rent was so high that I eventually did get my own place. I struggled and sacrificed a lot to pay my bills at first, even before I left my parent's home. I could have gone to college as an easy-out, but didn't go to college until age 34. I supported myself and got student loans on my own to do it too.

To let a young adult waste away in his parents home well in to his adult years out of an unwillingness to require him to become a real adult is cruel and abusive. Kick him out if he refuses to transition to full adulthood and all that comes with it, including self-sufficiency. I later thanked my dad for requiring me to pay him rent. He certainly didn't need the money. He did it for me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2017 12:57PM by azsteve.

There is no easy answer to your dilemma. The biggest problem you are facing is not now, it's 10 years from now. I've seen friends (and family) go through this and when the kid hits 30, game over. You now have a dysfunctional child who will never be able to support himself. No job skills, no coping skills and no social skills.

I think that you are being the adult. It's difficult to tell if you are dealing with a parent and a child, or two children.

Tips on communicating with them:

http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm

"Too mean" sounds childish to me. All you want is a clean and safe environment for you and your daughter, and hubby has deemed neither of you worthy of that, or, both your and your daughter's needs secondary to whatever his "real" son wants. And, yes, that was harsh, but IMnotsoHO, it's how he is behaving. His son is the favored child, even above you.

Never ignore what a person reveals about their "true" feelings or nature. I no longer think you have a step-son problem. You have a husband and father-of-your-daughter problem.

Does he plan on letting his daughter's boyfriends spend the night? He's modeling that it's fine by him, and it will be way too late by time she's 16. Sneaking will be done. I don't think your husband is stupid; he's made his priorities clear.

I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like your husband is making you and your daughter the interlopers in your own home. Make an appointment with a lawyer, for your own sake. Go in ready to tell the whole, sordid truth. She or he can advise options to help regain your peace. I'm not talking the big "D," but lawyers have seen much, and know other options, and have the tools amd resources to help structure family situations.

And I still think the tiny-home-shed is a reasonable compromise that mostly satisfies all. It's possible that your husband knows history about his son that you don't, reasons that might cause him to be over-protective, but those reasons, if they exist, need to he shared with you.

I wish you well.