How do you do it?
How do you fill that gap that they left?

Look at the church and the social relationships in it like a literal net. When you cut a hole in the middle and remove several of the connected lines, the remaining lines start to fray and come apart too. When I look at the hole in the net that I created when I left, and also with the missing links caused by those that followed me, it's obvious to me that the church is coming apart at the seams.

I did it by default. I just chugged along. My body just kept going. Now, it's no longer pain, but it will always be a scar.

Luckily, I had lots of people to talk to, and was able to express a lot of my grief here on RfM.

Their opinion on the stuff that matters?

Can you tell us what happened?

If you listen to yourself you know what they would think. It is there in the depths of your mind.

I can hear both of my parents in my head when I really need them.

Yes. We can remember what we learned from them. We can write it down. Maybe you would benefit from writing a brief biography on each one of the loved ones you missed. Create a photo album.

I don't know exactly who you are thinking about, but as far as the Mormon neighbors and my former Mormon fake-friends, they don't have any wisdom--just bad advice and platitudes. "Read the Book of Mormon." "Spank your children." Their advice on parenting and on marriage and on how to live is a joke. Their children turned out bad. They are believers of lies and tellers of lies. There was very little joy, and laughter was frowned upon. Their voice was one of judgment, prejudice, and negativity.

I don't miss the Mormons at all. They were like the adamant boulders in our back yard. They encroached onto our property, and nothing would grow on them. Nothing but weeds and fungus would grow between them and around them. Nothing could live beneath their crushing weight--not like under the smaller rocks. I removed the boulders, one at a time, with pain and effort, selecting the few nicer ones, that would enhance our landscaping--and each removal left an empty hole. It would have been stupid and counterproductive to go out and find other boulders to fill the holes. Instead, I filled in the yard with rich topsoil, and then sod. Now, we have a lush green lawn to play on!

Don't try to "replace" that which is irrevocably lost, but move on to something new and better. When I left the cult, I created a new lifestyle, new hobbies and renewed old interests, healthy eating, learning, fun outdoor exercise, more time with my family, more money to spend on fun, different reading material, better music, a more positive outlook on life, more LOVE in my life.

Leaving the Mormons behind (they shunned me, anyway) was not a loss, but an improvement in the quality of my life.

Wow, Breeze. I am not that far yet. Bishop says not to talk to anybody- meaning other church members/ friends. They are all I know. I am very alone in this journey right now. I read and listen but.....................

that kind of bothers me sometimes, but gives me some perspective on life. I have a grandson now who looks exactly like I did in my baby pictures, so maybe there is eternal life, just not the way religions want to sell it.

Sometimes the gap can't be filled.
So you live with the gap.

My jack-mo grandmother taught me astronomy and photography. Never once joined in the family shaming and shunning when I left the church. Always told me she loved and supported me, and proved it. When she died (at 102), I knew that gap would remain for the rest of my life. Nobody would ever fill it. I don't think anybody ever should -- she was one of a kind. And still...the sun comes up every day, I have other people who love and support me, and I'll always remember and cherish the time I had with her. Let the gap be there, it's a reminder of her.

My apostate dad was my best friend. We laughed at the ridiculousness of the church together, we'd meet at the Parowan Cafe when I'd go to Utah for coffee and breakfast, we'd sit on his porch and have a beer and talk about how great life was. When he died in 2005, after several strokes, there was a huge gap. Nobody will ever fill it. And still...the sun comes up every day, I have other people who love and support me, and I'll always remember and cherish the time I had with him. Let the gap be there. It's a reminder of him.

I don't miss people as much as I miss my pets.

After Mr. Peabody was stolen, I was in therapy for a year!

It's a hurt that I thought would never end.

Someone told me that when it happens, a huge raggedy hole is torn through your heart. The hole never closes, but the edges of the wound heal, becomes a smooth scar.

I did't believe her, but she was mostly right. It depends on how deeply I go into the loss, the memories. It's not so much that the hole edges healed, but that the hole is still a hole, an abyss that would ruin my life if I visited it regularly, or stayed too long.

Thirteen years now, swirling around the edges of the abyss. I became a stronger swimmer, I guess, but I'm not sure if the one I lost would even recognize me now. There are parts that that black hole swallowed, likely gone forever.

Sometimes, when I cuddle my 10-year-old tortie-cat, I find myself thinking, "Please, don't die on me, Tiffy. I couldn't stand that."

But I remember that there have been other losses, horrible ones, and somehow, I have kept going. Both grandmothers (whom I adored); my father; innumerable furbabies. And probably the most horrible one, my best friend of 55 years. She died of MS two and a half years ago. Our friendship was probably the deepest, closest, and richest relationship of my life. (Don't get me wrong; I love my husband and my children. But what I had with my best friend was incomparable.)

If it turns out that there isn't an afterlife so we can get back together, I'm going to be seriously pissed. But then, I won't be aware that I'm pissed, will I??

We are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for, I think.

There's no way to replicate the past. We all have to live with what is and it gets easier with time.

There are good foods, music, art, travel, nature, other people, and hobbies to enjoy in the here and now.

Thank you all. I feel lifted, a bit. Of course you're right, life goes on and I will go on with it, until I don't and then it will be someone else's turn to miss me.

Be that person that people will miss!

I am guessing that you are somewhat young, and you have time to be like ificouldhietokolob's grandmother or his father or those people that you loved so much.

I have to think of my missing loved ones as asking me to pick up the baton and run wit it, but it was hard to even lift up my head up at first.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/06/2017 01:38PM by kathleen.

Reason is still here...and so is superstition. Don't worry, we will all make great pets when the computers take over.

For me, there were plenty of people at church that were nice, friendly, and kind. Did I ever want to spend much time with them? No.

There were also people who were weirdos. Definitely don't miss them.

Bottom line is that for me I don't miss any of them. I see them at the store and act like they are old friends (it's 20 seconds of my life, I can deal with that) and they inevitably are uncomfortable because I'm an apostate. I don't care--just shows me their true colors, and shows them that...well...I don't care, lol.