So I have been openly (as in open to my TBM family) 'living in sin' with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. Since I am in my 40s now, left TSCC 20 years ago, have been married and divorced, they don't say anything to me about it. In fact we have been welcomed as a couple into my siblings homes (most of them) and my parents and even allowed to stay overnight (in the same bed/bedroom) and my parents even had invited us to stay overnight and share a room. Something totally unheard of in my family not many years ago. So I was in shock on that one. But declined the parent's invite, opted for the sister's as that would have been a lot more awkward for us at the parents.

Anyway my sister's girl, aged 9 currently, after our visit 2 years ago and after meeting my partner.. said to my sister (her mom), 'I think blank (me) and blank (my BF) are married.' And my sister (thankfully) told her 'no they aren't married.' And she 'No I think they are.' And my sister maintained the truth in the face of her denial. She thought it a funny story and shared it with me.

But not so funny to me, as I can clearly see why she is distressed by our not being married. She adores me and always has, I am her favorite Auntie and I also dearly love her. But of course she has been taught that living together unmarried is sinful and she should never ever do that. But here is her favorite aunt living in sin. It's something she can't reconcile and so she's rather believe in something not true, that we are in fact married and not sinning. Otherwise she can't make sense of it. (I feel very badly for her going through that kind of distress, which shouldn't have to be dealing with.)

I'm glad my sister didn't go along with the lie. But I wonder what else they say to her. Esp. if she questions my not going to church and why. Or anything else I do not in line with what they are teaching her. They probably try not to say much, or just say, well that's not what we want for you. Or that's not the way to be fully happy. No matter what they say it still passes as a judgement against me, no matter how much they try to soften that judgement because I know my sister cares for me and we get along pretty well (as long as we don't talk about religion!.. so still very limiting, considering the huge role it plays in her life).

I know my siblings fear for their children getting too close to me and being a 'bad influence.' I used to get shit for that from my evil older brother when his girls loved to play with me and he had to deal with their questions about me not going to church, etc. He used to really lay into me about it. And actually one of those girls, now grown, has left the cult. And likely they blame me. But I'll take that blame. I am proud to help out in anyway I can, to set what I consider a good example to my nieces and nephews, of an alternative way to live, freely, happily unencumbered by cult brainwashing!

Here's a thought (but something bound to never happen inside TSCC, just another example of why it's a cult), what if you told your kids that there are many ways to live and be happy and when they were older they would get to choose which way to live. They didn't have to stay in the church if they decided it wasn't for them. They would still be loved unconditionally no matter what. But for now they were to go to church with the family because that's what the parents believed and wanted for them (don't love this last part, but at least if you told them it din't have to be forever and it was something that they could chose when they got older.. personally I'd favor the kids choosing when they were young too, but this would be better than just saying you have to go no matter what and letting them understand they'd not be accepted in the family if they stopped attending, or rather not be PART of the family (i.e. forever) if they left etc.)..

Hmmm..

I doubt many (if any) TBMs would say what you suggested they say. Because they flat-out don't believe it. They believe there is only *one* way to "live and be happy," and you aren't doing either.

But look at it this way:
You've planted some cognitive dissonance in your niece.
Right now she's probably too young to deal with it.
But in the future...just think what she might say to herself:

"Gee, the church says there's only one way to live and be happy.
But here's my favorite aunt, living unmarried with someone, and she's terrific and happy. Does that mean the church is wrong?"

And maybe there's another one out.
Hope springs eternal :)

yes that's right. I like the think I can be helpful in planting cognitive dissonance seeds in my family members. :)

I've had similar encounters with my young grandkids. They are just getting to the age where they are figuring out family relationships. My kids usually just change the subject when the kiddies start to inquire about their grandma and her living arrangement with SO.

I did have kind of a funny conversation with an extended family member on my divorced and now deceased ex husband's side of the family. I had not seen or talked to her in years and she obviously had not been kept in the loop about me. She asked me if I was remarried. I told her I had a domestic partner. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. I'm not even sure she knows I left the church years ago. She did not say another word.

Love it! :)

Actually my aunt really paved the way for me in my family by living in sin before me, for several years with a younger man. Mine is also younger. So she helped me out on both counts. Esp. since my mom really loves her and has had to accept her leaving TSCC and then doing that. So it made it much easier on me after my mom was forced to 'get over it' and decide if she wanted her sister in her life or not. Since she did, she had to deal.

My aunt has had to be really harsh with my mom a few times when my mom wouldn't stop testifying at her. She finally told her not only did she not believe in TSCC, she did not believe in god or jesus either. So it made my mom cry apparently and was hard for my aunt to face that but she stood her ground and my mom has stopped her testifying. :)

Like I said I was lucky to have her pave the way for me. Still we both know we are judged nonetheless no matter what kinds of displays of accepting us they make. They still fear for our damned souls.

Little kids are very concrete thinkers. Nuance is often lost on them. In another year or so, your niece may be able to reconcile the fact that you are not married but still an okay individual. :)

Very true Summer. That's why all cults know it's best to indoctrinate as young as possible when they already think in black and white. :)

You know what's really living in sin? Thinking there's something wrong with people who reject your lame religion.